These Are The Daze Of Our Lives

Great Mysteries Of The Universe

2008-08-25T07:10:00.001-07:00

There are many great mysteries in this big wide world. Some will be explained by science, some by faith, and some well some will never be explained.

The Great Pyramids
What really killed the dinosaurs.
Why anyone even cares what's going on with Brittney.

And then we have DOOL.

Someday some archaeological team will dig up video of DOOL and try to analyze it.
They of course, will not understand, as we do, that it isn't SUPPOSED to make sense. They will try to explain it, make it logical. They will have questions like:

If Kayla is a doctor capable of transplanting a kidney, why can't she do the simplest physical exam or diagnose a common cold?

How DOES Stefano keep coming back from the dead?

Phillip got an entirely new face yet even people who haven't seen him for years recognize him on sight.

The "miracle cure" serum Marlena injected herself with to wake up, was designed for an entirely different type of gas poisoning. So how did it work?

Be in a plane crash and almost die, and you're out of the hospital in 24 hrs. Fall and scrape your knee and you're in for a month.

John has a drug induced conversation with himself and a dead guy and now suddenly he LOVES Marlena again.

*An oldie but a goodie* No one EVER goes to work, yet everyone is filthy rich.

People are always "suddenly remember" they have degrees in law or are a math genius or had a baby, yet it never seems strange to anyone.

They can test for bizarre exotic unknown diseases and poisons and get the results in 15 min, yet x-rays and MRI's take days.

The most lucrative job in Salem has to be wedding planner. With funeral director running a close second.

No matter how long someone vegetates in a hospital bed, and no matter how serious their injuries, their hair and make up are always perfect.

*Another oldie but goodie* No matter where in the world someone needs to go, there's always a non-stop flight leaving Salem Airport for that exact destination in an hour. And there are always available seats.

No wonder everyone in Salem is thin. No one ever eats. At restaurants they just pick at their food, and then end up leaving it. No one ever goes grocery shopping. And when is the last time someone actually cooked? Or even made themselves a sandwich.

Which leads us to the next observation . . . no one EVER has to go to the bathroom. Well of course, they never eat.

Everyone must have an unlimited supply of new clothing. When is the last time you saw someone wear the same outfit twice. Unless they're stranded on a desert island or somewhere, and even then their clothes are always in perfect shape and totally clean.

How does EVERYONE have cell reception EVERYWHERE, EXCEPT when they really need cell reception, and then they NEVER have it. And by the same token, everyone has a cell phone, EXCEPT, they never think to use it during power failures or when they're trapped somewhere. *the entire hospital floor was sealed off, yet no one thought to use their cells to call out and let emergency services know what was going on*

Every one's house is always tastefully decorated, completely clean, and totally uncluttered. No unmade beds or dishes left lying around, except when they are clues to infidelity or that someone has broken in.

During phone conversations: no one ever says hello or goodbye, they nod and the person on the other end "hears" it, and no one ever calls just to chat or has a call from a wrong number.

And the biggest mystery of all.............................

Why does the Prevuze feed always seem to screw up right when the SL actually starts to get interesting????

Meanwhile Back On The Boat

2008-07-28T07:34:00.000-07:00

Belle Black-Kiriakis-Brady sits in a beach chair on a sun drenched dock. Next to her the Fancy Face IX is tied up. She is deep in thought.

Shawn walks up with a totally normal look on his face (dazed and confused)

"Belle, I have a problem" he says

"I know Shawn, but we talked about this" Bell answeres "They just haven't invented a brain transplant yet."

"No, that's not what I'm talking about" Shawn says "I want to know where we are."

Belle looked at Shawn, got up and walkes over to him. She takes his face in her hands and looks deeply into his eyes.

"Shawn, listen carefully, we talked about this," Belle says quietly "We . . . are . . . on . . . the . . . dock"

"I . . know . . .that. . " Shawn imitates her "but . . .where . . .is . . .the . . dock?"

Belle takes a deep breath "Shawn the dock is here."

"I know" Shawn says "the dock is here, but where are we "

"Here, with the boat, there" Belle says

"I know the boat is there, but where is here?" Shawn looks confused.

"Here is the dock" Belle says

"And there is the boat" Shawn answers

"Right" Belle agrees

"What's right?" Shawn says

"That's right" Belle says

"That? What's that? The boat?" Shawn says

"Yes, there" Belle says

"But where is here?" Shawn insists

"Dad!" Claire interrupts them "We're in Australia"

Shawn looks up to see a college aged Claire step off the boat and on to the dock.
"Finally, someone who speaks English!" Shawn says

"It's okay Mom," Claire says to Belle "there are times I have a hard time figuring out what he's asking."

"What was he asking?" Belle says

Claire looks at her mother, sighs and smiles.

"I got the navigational computer fixed." Claire says "Dad, now for the last time, it's CALLED a computer, but you can't play World Of Warcraft on it."

"But I saw maps, and there were little dots on the maps." Shawn explains "I thought it was the beginning of a new quest. It let me log on, and I could see towns. But it wouldn't let me go to any of them, no matter how many of them I clicked on!"

"Okay dad." Claire tries to be patient "Every time you clicked on a town, the computer plotted a new course to go there. You had like 149 course changes in one day. The computer tried to calculate the speed the boat would need to go to make that many ports and well, let's just say we would have been giving Santa a run for his money in the air/land speed department."

"SANTA?' Belle perks up at the name "You didn't say Santa was coming! I have to get my list ready and put up my stocking and...and...and...COOKIES we need COOKIES!!"

Before Claire could stop her Belle was on the boat in a single bound and dashing into the cabin, babbling excitedly about presents and candy.

Claire sighs and looks over at Shawn, waiting for him to start in.

Shawn smiles and shakes his head. "Silly goose, everyone knows you have to have a fireplace to hang your stockings on. And boats do not have fireplaces. Right sweetie?"

"Yes daddy," Claire answers and pats Shawn on the head "And remember the last time you got confused and thought we had a fireplace?"

"Yes!" Shawn says excitedly "I remember we got to have fun using the fire putter outer things!"

"Yes daddy," Claire says "And you did a really good job on the dishes while we waited for a new dishwasher to be installed. I still remember trying to explain to the delivery man how the last one caught fire and melted. I don't think he completely bought the bad wiring excuse."

"I'm still sorry about that honey." Shawn says "I've been doing really good lately though, no fires on the boat for 2 weeks now!"

"Yes, daddy, you are doing really good." Claire smiles "Now here's some money, I want you to run into town and get some presents while I put up the Christmas tree and lights."

"But it's not really Christmas' Shawn says "Is it? Oh dear I didn't hit my head and forget who I was for 6 months again did I?"

"No you didn't," Claire explains "But it's easier just to let mom think it is than to tell her the truth and have her sulk in bed for a week because she thinks we are 'big poopy headed meanies who don't want her to have any fun'." Claire does a squeaky little kid voice and makes air quotes.

Shawn jumps up and runs down the dock at top speed, only to make it to the end stop, look both ways, then turn back to Claire with a questioning look on his face

"Presents dad!' Claire yells down the dock "Town, that way."

Shawn does an "oh yeah" face, then gives Claire a thumbs up and dashes off in the opposite direction that Claire had just pointed.

Claire starts to call him back then shakes her head and lets him go. "He'll figure it out eventually" She says to herself "Or he won't and he'll call me from New Zealand."

Claire steps onto the boat and heads for the aft storage area. Inside the cabin she can hear Belle singing, ". . . twelve eggs a hatching, 'leven pipes a smoking, nine cans of tuna, six nieces playing, FIVE ONION RINGS!!!, four falling birds, three French toast, two purple bugs...and Keith Partridge in a treeeeeeee."

Claire closes her eyes and says her version of the serenity prayers under her breath quickly.
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the parents I cannot change, the courage to not just kill them in their sleep, and the wisdom to dump their bodies at sea and have a good alibi ready when I finally do."
____________________________________________________________________

I am happy to have the chance to entertain everyone who read my little blog, and thank you for your continued support.

As none of your probably know I am a big fan of another NBC show, The Office.
I participate in a fun fansite for the show where the fans of The Office get to have fun pretending we actually work at Dunder Mifflin. We belong to local branches and make friends, do tasks and earn fake money.

Anyway, while the show has been on summer break we haven't been doing much, but this last week we were given a task that involves a touch of reality.

Each branch chose a charity supported by the United Way, and we are to raise funds for that charity by asking our friends online and off to make a real money donation to our charity.
Our branch chose, St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. A very worthy cause IMO, because they help children who are fighting cancer without regard to their ability to pay.

I would like to ask everyone who reads and enjoys my little trips into the insane world of DOOL to make a contribution to St. Jude's.

Click on the United Way logo below if you would like to make a donation. Thanks in advance.

Dear Abby - Summer Edition

2008-07-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Abby:
I have been involved with this guy for a while now, I'll call him "Bill" but to be honest it was going nowhere. I'm just coming out of a divorce and was hoping "Bill" would be the one.

My problem is a few days ago something happened that made me wonder if I've been making a mistake. I was in this elevator with Bill's brother, I'll call him "Lou". The elevator got stuck and well, long story short, we took a big ol' page from Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" , if you get my drift.

I'm just so confused now. I really like Lou, but wonder if it was me that got him hot or the elevator. Also I have some really weird rash on my backside and some really nasty rug burns on my knees. Could those be from the carpet in the elevator?

Signed
UPset and DOWNhearted

Dear Up and Down:

Next time take the stairs.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby:

I am in a real dilemma. I divorced my husband to marry the son of my family's arch enemy. At the wedding my now ex-husband shot my new husband and went to prison.
Since he's been gone I started to fall for my new husband and finally decided to sleep with him. Well wouldn't you know it, as soon as I did, lo and behold my ex got released from prison and walked in on us.
Now I'm really confused about who I should be with? I love my ex, but he's such a jerk sometimes I want to kill him. I got an annulment from my new husband so I could back to my ex, but now I realize I really do have feelings for my new husband.
The three of us are living in the same house, and all we do is fight. What do I do?

Signed
Three's Not Company

Dear Three:
Next time lock the door.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby:

I run security for a hotel and a few days ago we got some footage on our security cams of these people in two of our elevators who were. . . well let's just say maintenance is fit to be tied, as they had just cleaned those carpets.

Anyway it was some pretty hot stuff. Usually we save the best stuff we catch on our security cams for our Christmas party, but no one can agree on which couple was the hottest. How do we decide which one to use?

Signed
Ernie from Security

Dear Ernie:

Put them both on You Tube and let everyone vote. And don't forget to send me a link. I like a good laugh.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby:

I've written to you several times about this, and I don't think you are taking me seriously. I'm the lady who's husband was thought to be dead, but then came back with no memory and a totally new personality.

I found a disc that I believe has his old personality and his memories on it, but he not only refuses to use it, he destroyed the only equipment that could play the disc.

Now I find out he's been seeing this other woman. I don't know what to do! I am getting desperate! He's my husband, I want him back the way he was NOW!
I mean RIGHT NOW! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

Signed
I Swear I'm Not Psychotic

Dear Not Psychotic:

1. Prozac helps.
2. Get it through your head, he's just not that into you.
3. Build a bridge, get over it.

A 4th of July Tribute to Love

2008-07-03T23:04:00.000-07:00

I thought about posting some lengthy blog, poking fun at DOOL.
But then I decided that was too easy, and quite frankly a waste
of a perfectly good legal holiday.

So instead for you 4th of July enjoyment,
I present a salute to the dysfunctional couples of Salem.

Enjoy, and have a happy and safe 4th!

Wimbledumb Fun

2008-07-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

It takes motivation and practice to make it to Wimbledumb.
So with that in mind, I present:

DOOL MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS!!

Heard It Through The Grapevine

2008-06-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

I found this rumor on a spoiler site today:

Dena Higly is planning for a shocking revelation that will rock Salem to the core. Dean Robbins(Rosco Born) is Max's biological father but he also has 2 other children; Ford Decker(Matthew Florida) is one of them. Ford was adopted when he was a baby, look for Ford to rise from the dead this summer where he unleashes revenge against his biological brother Max and the sisters of Alpha Chi Theta.

Also look for Max and Stephanie to go on an adventure to France to look for his long lost sister, Melanie. Max does not want his father or Ford anywhere near his 17 year old sister, so he sets out to find Melanie so he can protect her from becoming like his brother and father.

By the end of Summer, there will be a huge confrontation between Max and Ford. It will be up to Max with a little help from Daniel Jonas to save the girls important in their lives. Also look for Max's sister Melanie to develop a crush on Daniel, which does not set well with Max nor Chelsea; look for Chelsea and Melanie to become enemys fighting over the same guy.

That's all well and good, EXCEPT:

Back in 1988, Frankie confessed to Jen that he and Max weren't brothers. Frankie had saved Max from an abusive father, Trent. Now Trent wanted Max back. So Frankie and Max ran away to Ohio. Eventually Frankie called Jen and she went to get them. Unfortunately Trent followed her and there was a big deal with Trent demanding Max come with him. Eventually Frankie and Jen were able to convince him Max was better off with the Bradys. Trent left and Frankie, Max and Jen came back to Salem.

Not that it would make any difference to DOOL with their penchant for changing the past whenever the mood suits them.

So let's have some fun changing things up a bit shall we?

EJ is really John's son, like everyone thought in the beginning. Another of Stefano's lies. He manipulated the weak minded Susan and played on her love of Elvis to convince her he was her baby's father.

Sami is really Stefano's daughter. Since Sami is on the fast track to becoming the new Marlena, why not have some real fun with it. Eric is still Roman's child, but it will come out Marlena was drugged or kidnapped around the same time and impregnated by Stefano (artificially or naturally it doesn't matter).

Steve is really Victor's son. Hey, Vic went slumming with Caroline, back in the day. So who's to say he didn't cruise on down a little further across the tracks and jump Jo's bones?

It will be revealed that Morgan is actually the REAL Georgia Brady! Paul Hollinsworth will get shot down on the docks and with his last breath will reveal that his wife gave birth to a still born daughter the same day Billie had Georgia. He switched the babies because he didn't want his wife to have a nervous breakdown (she had a hard time getting pregnant and this was her last chance). The Benson's were Chelsea's REAL parents all along!

Jan Spears will come out of her coma and announce she and Lucas were secretly married and still are! She'll produce a marriage license and wedding video to prove her case. She'll then move into the mansion with the rest of the "Brady Bunch" and demand Lucas honor their vows.

Kayla will admit to Steve that Stephanie isn't really Stephanie. Not long after Steve "died" she moved to California and Stephanie was killed in a tragic accident. A devastated Kayla turned to friend and fellow doctor (who just happened to be working at the same hospital) Mike Horton.
She had a brief affair with him and got pregnant. Stephanie is that child.

Julie confesses to Hope that she's not her half-sister, but in reality, her mother. Back in the day, Doug had a tryst with the teenage Julie. He didn't know she was Addie's daughter, and by the time he found out it was too late. He was already married to Addie and Julie was in a home for unwed mothers having Hope. Addie put 2 and 4 together and figured things out, and agreed to not press charges or divorce Doug if Julie gave up baby Hope for them to raise as their own.

Kate will reveal to Lucas that she's not his mother! A long time ago when she was working as a cocktail waitress in a local strip club, Bill Horton used to come in all the time. He was sleeping with one of the dancers and she got pregnant. She had baby Lucas and abandoned him in the dressing room of the strip club where Kate found him one night as she was leaving work.
Bill refused to help so Kate raised Lucas on her own. And the mysterious ex-stripper who gave birth to Lucas? Maggie Horton! She was stripping on the sly and hooking up with Bill behind Mickey's back.

Now go on and tell me ANY or ALL of these possible situations aren't too far fetched for DOOL!
Is ANYTHING too far fetched for DOOL??

The DOOL Summer Book Club

2008-05-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ah Summer! Time to relax on the beach with a cool drink and a good book.

And let's face it if anyone needs a good self help book, it's the people who live in the capitol of dysfunction, yep, dear old Salem.

So here are my suggestions for books and who should be reading them.

Although there are some couples in Salem who seem to be hitting the sheets every chance they get lately , there are those who could stand to turn the heat up a might. So for Maggie and Mickey, John and Marlena, Abe and Lexi, and Bo and Hope -

Ah the kids of Salem. Most of whom wouldn't recognized their parents if they had to pick them out of a police line up, we feel your pain. So for Ciara, Johnny, Ali, Claire, Theo and the newest member of the "Moppets Without Moms & Dads" Club, Lil Joe -

Dr. Laura. Love her or hate her (there's no in-between it seems) you have to admit she tells it like it is. You may not want to hear what she has to say, and hate the way she says it, but sometimes the truth hurts. So for Chloe, Sami, Nicole, Stephanie, and Chelsea -

There are times when I truly believe the entire population of Salem could use this book, but I'll stick to the ones who need it the most. For Sami, Nick, Chelsea, Max, Stephanie, Lexi, Chloe, Nicole, Ava, and Lucas -

Then there are those who, no matter how hard they try, end up spending Valentine's day alone and miserable. Sometimes through their own fault, sometimes not. So for Nick, Victor, Ava, Chloe, Nicole and EJ -

If you don't know who needs this book, you either don't watch DOOL enough or you don't get it. For Kayla, Hope, Maggie, Marlena, Kate, Lexi and Sami -

What would we do without the Salem Psychos? As boring as DOOL can be, just think how much more boring it would be if we didn't have the stalkers, the freaks, and the obsessive! So for Ava, Chloe, Nicole, Sami and Chelsea -

There are times when I think the people of Salem wouldn't be happy if they weren't messing up their lives. So for pretty much EVERYONE in Salem -

LIES! Lies and deceit! Something tells me they are part of the Salem Charter. Although most of the population wouldn't know the truth if it slapped them up side the head, there are those who have turned it into an art form. So for the unfortunate people who end up involved with these masters of mendacity, specifically Roman, Abe, Nick, Kayla, Bo and Lucas, we recommend -

If you wanted to get rich you'd start an Anger Management class in Salem. It would be overflowing for every meeting! Even so, there are those who are worse than others in the short fuse department. For Lucas, John, Kate, Ava, Bo, Nicole and Abe -

What would DOOL be without feuds, vendettas, grudges, bones to pick, jealousies, and just plain old hard feelings. Some people handle it better than others, some never learn. For Sami, Nicole, Kate, Lucas, Chelsea and Anna -

Some girls get it when a guy doesn't call. Some girls don't And then there are the girls of Salem who take not getting it to a whole new level. For Chelsea, Nicole, Ava, Kate and Stephanie -

Even though we all danced our way through the 80's to "Addicted To Love" some of the Salem crowd took the song to heart a little too much. For Ava, Kate, Marlena, John, Sami, EJ, Lucas, Chelsea, Nicole and Chloe -

As much as men claim to be mystified as to why women always seem to fall for the "bad boys", we women are just as confused as to why the nastiest mean girls always ends up with the super nice guys. And the worst part is, they walk all over them, stomp on their hearts, dump them and leave them ruined for the rest of us. Although there is a noticeable lack of good girls in Salem, there are a few and I am sure they would love to read this book and get some answers.
For Kayla, Abby, Jennifer and Stephanie -

And last but not least. You've heard about it, you've joked about it, but until now, you never really believed it existed.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you,
THE GUY MANUAL -

The Day After - DOOL Needs To Give Me A Job.

2008-05-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

It's the next day. Sami stands in the living room of the mansion looking worried.She finally picks up her purse and turns to walk out of the room and runs face first into EJ, who is walking in.

EJ: Going somewhere?

Sami: Um..yes. I have to go out, and do some shopping. I need to get some things for Ali and Johnny.

EJ: Wonderful! Give me a few moments and I'll join you. We can drop the twins off at the pub and have lunch before we head out.

Sami: NO! I mean, no thank you, I just..I mean....I can do it myself.

EJ looks at her skeptically.

EJ: Samantha as talented a liar as you are, I can still tell when you're attempting to hide something from me. Now where are you going?

Sami: (getting irritated) I don't have to answer to you. I can go wherever I want, I don't need your permission. And I don't have to tell you everywhere I go.

Sami pushes past EJ and gets to the door. Before she can open it, EJ is behind her and puts his hand on the door holding it closed.

EJ: You're going to see Lucas aren't you?

Sami: No. I mean...I thought about it...but....

EJ: Darling, if you need to see Lucas, I am not going to try to stop you. I can hardly expect you to forget about the man. You have two children with him, you were married to him. You don't need to explain your reasons, I trust you.

Sami: (shocked) You TRUST me? Look EJ, I don't know what you were expecting after last night, but it was a mistake. I don't know what I was thinking, or why I let you get to me, but it didn't mean anything.

EJ cuts her off by taking her into his arms and kissing her. Sami starts to resist but it's no use.

Sami: (breathless) EJ, please, let me go. This is all just happening so fast, I need more time.

EJ: Take all the time you need darling. But you can't deny how you feel about me. And I refuse to pretend I don't care about you any longer. Now you go do what you have to do, and when you return we will continue this discussion.

EJ lets Sami go so quickly she almost falls. She stares after him and flashes back to the previous night. The two of them in bed. She shivers and walks out the door.

The scene changes to the visitation room of Salem's prison. Sami is waiting at the metal table as Lucas enters. The guard uncuffs him and leaves.

Sami stands and starts to hold her arms out, but Lucas ignores her and just sits down. Sami is baffled but sits anyway.

Lucas: Why are you here? I told you I didn't want to see you.

Sami: I know, Lucas, but...

Lucas: (interrupting her) And yet here you are. Sami don't you get it? I didn't want to see you because it hurts too bad. I just can't do it.

Sami: (getting angry) YOU can't do it. It's all about you isn't it? You don't think all this is hard on me? Raising two babies alone.

Lucas: (interrupting) Oh but you aren't alone are you? How is your loving HUSBAND? Are the two of you getting ready to move into your own little cottage with a white picket fence?

Sami: Stop it. I didn't come here to fight with you about EJ. In fact I came to tell you he's found a way to help you.

Lucas: Help me? How? Is he going to turn back time? Is he going to change the past. Sorry Sami, I don't think even the great EJ Dimera can do that.

Sami: Lucas, EJ is a lawyer. He's working for Mickey Horton now and he's found a way he can have your conviction overturned. You'll be able to come home.

Lucas: HOME? Home to what? To you living across the hall with EJ? To me having to sit in our old apartment waiting for you to decide to let me see my daughter?

Sami: We aren't living in EJ's apartment. We're living in the Dimera mansion with John and Marlena.

Lucas stands up knocking over the chair he's sitting on, and pounds his fist into the table.

Lucas: YOU HAVE MY DAUGHTER LIVING UNDER STEFANO'S ROOF?? MY GOD SAMI HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

The guard raps on the door and gives Lucas a stern look. Lucas picks up the chair and sits back down.

Sami: It's not Stefano's home anymore, Lucas. John has control over everything that was Stefano's and he's taken the mansion. EJ and I moved in with the twins so we could save money..

Lucas: (sarcastically) SAVE MONEY?? What happened to all of EJ's money. His famous trust fund? I thought he was the rich playboy.

Sami: John ended EJ's trust fund payments when he took over Stefano's estate. And until Mickey hired him, we weren't even sure how we were going to pay the rent. But none of that matters Lucas, don't you understand? You can get out of here you can come home!

Lucas: I don't want EJ Dimera's help. I'll stay here for the rest of my life before I let him help me.

Sami: (shocked) But how can you say that? How can you not want to get out of here and come home? What about Ali? She needs her father. What about Will? He can't live with Carrie and Austin forever.

Lucas: I notice you there's one person you didn't mention Sami. You. Aren't you going to tell me how much you need me? Or is it that you don't need me?

Sami: Of course I need you Lucas. I love you.

Lucas: (interrupting) Do you Sami? Do you love me? Or is this just another one of your schemes? Another elaborate plan to somehow make everything right. To save your family, and defeat the evil Dimeras forever. Is that what this is Sami? Tell me now because if it is, then count me out.

Sami: (eyes welling with tears) How can you say that? I need you Lucas, I've always needed you,

Lucas (angry again) STOP LYING SAMI! You never needed me. I was just another in a long line of men you had to have. And you didn't care who you stepped on or hurt along the way. As long as you got your man. And then what? Once you had him, you weren't happy. You just kept him around long enough to destroy his spirit and then you just moved on to the next.

OH Sami, I should have figured you out long ago. But NO, not me. Not stupid, dumb old Lucas. Yeah I played right into your greedy little hands didn't I? Every time Austin rejected you, there I was. Just like your little lap dog. Waiting for the scraps you tossed me.

But this last time, oh this last time you really had me. I thought you'd changed. I bought your "new Sami" routine hook line and sinker.
I really thought it was going to be forever. What a FOOL I was. And what a good laugh you and EJ must have had at my expense. But not anymore Sami.
I'm done. It's over. We're over.

Sami listens to him, sobbing. She breaks down and puts her hands over her ears like a child.

Sami: No no no no no! I won't hear this. I won't listen to you.

Lucas grabs her arms and pulls her hands away from her ears. He stares into her eyes and gets eerily calm.

Lucas: (quietly) Yes Sami, you will hear this. You need to hear the truth for once. You can't play with people's lives and not expect to pay the consequences. You can't lie and scheme your way out of a situation just because you don't want to deal with it. Sami, you can't always get your way.

Sami stops mid sob and stares at Lucas. She pulls away and turns her back on him. Lucas waits a few seconds, then goes to her, and puts his hand on her shoulder.

Lucas: Sami. Look at me.

Lucas turns her around, and lifts her chin with two fingers. Sami stares at him not speaking.

Lucas: Sami look me in the eye and tell me, honestly. If I take EJ's help. Get out of prison, and come home. Would you be willing to give up everything, and leave with me? Leave Salem forever and not look back? To start an entirely new life. You, me, Will and Ali.

Sami: And Johnny....

Lucas: No Sami. You have to understand what I'm saying here. You'd have to leave Johnny with EJ. He's his father. And I won't live the rest of my life with EJ in the picture.

Sami: But he's MY son Lucas. You expect me to choose between you and my son?

Lucas: Yes Sami. I do. You can't have it both ways. It's me or EJ. And if it's me, then there can be no more EJ. And if his son is part of our family then we'll never be free of him. So decide Sami. Right here, right now.

Sami stares at Lucas and flashes back to Ali and Johnny's birth. How happy Lucas was with both of them. Then she flashes forward to the apartment, and Lucas never wanting to hold Johnny. Long nights of him holding Ali while she tended to Johnny. She turns away from Lucas and her mind moves ahead again. This time to EJ. Sitting up with Ali long into the night as she struggled with the croup. Of EJ playing with both babies. Showing them the same amount of attention and love. Then again. To the night before. Of her, lying in EJ's arms. His hands in her hair, his lips on hers. His fingers almost burning her skin with his touch. His voice saying her name over and over...Samantha....Samantha....Sami...

Lucas: Sami? Are you listening to me?

Sami turns around realizing Lucas has been saying her name. She stares at him for a second.

Sami: No Lucas. I won't choose between you and my son. I can't do it. And you have no right to ask me to. So if that's the only way we can be together then you're right. I don't love you. I could never love someone who would ask me to make that choice.

Lucas: (sarcastically) Oh of course not. Tell me Sami, does this mean you'll finally stop saying EJ raped you and just admit you're a cheating slut?

Sami gasps and slaps Lucas across the face.

Lucas: Good bye Sami.

Lucas turns and knocks on the door behind him. A guard opens it and he walks out without looking back. Sami stares after him for a few seconds when the door behind her opens and she looks up to see EJ standing in the doorway waiting. She dissolves into his arms sobbing.

Sami: Take me home EJ, please. Just take me home.

EJ: Yes darling, let's go home.

Proof: I should be writing DOOL

2008-05-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sami comes down the stairs, holding a bottle and a baby monitor. She collapses on the sofa. EJ comes in from the kitchen.

EJ: Ali again?

Sami (screaming) WHY IS IT ALWAYS ALI? LIKE YOUR BRAT NEVER CRIES!

EJ is shocked. He sighs and goes to the desk, picks up his briefcase and starts to work.

Sami: What? Now you're ignoring me?

EJ: My dear, I have learned when you are in one of these moods, to just let you go rave until you get it out of your system.

Sami: Oh now I'm a raving shrew!

Sami freaks and throws the bottle at EJ narrowly missing his head, but landing on the papers he's working on. Milk goes everywhere, soaking the papers and EJ.

Sami (freaking) OH my God! EJ, I am so sorry I didn't mean that to happen really.

EJ gets up and shakes the milk off his clothing. He turns to look at Sami with a look that would kill. Sami's eyes widen, and she keeps apologizing.

Sami: I'll get a towel, maybe we can just blot the papers, and they will be okay. Oh EJ I'm really sorry, I just didn't think...

EJ: (through gritted teeth) No Sami, you DON'T think. You don't think anyone has feelings except you. You don't think anyone matters except you.
You don't think anything you do is wrong. You don't think about the pain and chaos you cause when you manipulate people's lives.

Sami: (shocked) I....I...You can't say that to me! I haven't done anything to you! I've tried to help you. If it wasn't for me you'd be on a slow boat back to jolly old England right now.

EJ: (sarcastically) Oh yes, the famous immigration excuse. Let me tell you darling, you may be beautiful and you may be exciting, but your excuses are wearing thin.
I know you think you are doing this great and wonderful selfless thing. But at this point, I'm not so sure England would be that bad.

Sami: (irritated) Yeah that's right, leave. Why not. I knew you didn't mean all that garbage you've been spewing about wanting to stay for Johnny and wanting to be a father.

EJ: (trying to control his rage) Now look Samantha, I have taken just about all I intend to take from you. I love my son. And I fully intend to be a father to him, no matter what you say or do. And until Lucas comes back from prison I intend to be a father to Ali as well.

Sami: (sarcastically) Don't do us any favors. We'll get along just fine without you. Probably better in fact. So just go ahead and leave. Chase after Nicole, sleep with her for all I care. You two are meant for each other. And Nicole would love it. She's already got a Kiriakis notch in her belt, why not add a Dimera

EJ stands silently staring at Sami. He walks around her towards the kitchen not saying a word.

Sami: (baiting) What? No snappy come back? What's wrong that famous British wit of yours finally run out? Yeah, go on walk away.

Sami crosses over to the desk to look at the papers EJ was working on. She picks them up, dripping with milk and starts to read. As she does her jaw drops.

Sami: (as she reads) What? Oh my God. (she picks up more soggy papers) What is he doing?

EJ enters from the kitchen holding a towel. He watches as Sami reads through the paperwork.

EJ: What's wrong Samantha? You look as if you've seen a ghost.

Sami: (snapping around to face him) What are you doing? What are these papers?

EJ: (leans against the doorway) What, you mean after all the times you've been in court you can't read legal jargon?

Sami: What? YES I can read it. But I don't understand. You're filing an appeal to have Lucas's conviction overturned? You're trying to get him out of prison?

EJ: Well I would have thought the idea would make you happy. After all he's the love of your life isn't he? The man you REALLY want to be with.

Sami: (stammering) Well.. yes.. but...I mean...well....he shot you.....and .....your problems with immigration.....I mean how will it look if he comes back?

EJ: I shouldn't think that would be any great inconvenience to you. I'd just go back to London and you and Lucas and Ali could live happily ever after.

Sami stares at him for a moment then it sinks in what he just said.

Sami: (horrified) Are you telling me you think you'd just take off to Europe and take my son...

EJ: (interrupting) MY SON SAMANTHA! Mine! And while I admire your feigned outrage at the idea, I should think you would be glad to be rid of the last vestige of, as you so frequently put it, the WORST night of your life. The night I raped you? Just think, you could finally put it behind you and life a happy life, never to be reminded of me ever again.

Sami is shaking with rage. She hyperventilates and looks around wildly for something to throw. She grabs a large decanter off the bar table and hurls it at EJ. Missing him by a mile and smashing all over the wall.

Sami: HOW DARE YOU! IF YOU THINK I WOULD ALLOW YOU TO STEP ON INCH OUT OF THIS HOUSE WITH JOHNNY YOU ARE INSANE!!! IT WOULD BE OVER MY DEAD BODY!

EJ: Well, that could be arranged couldn't it. After all, I am a Dimera. As is my son. And I would think you'd be happy to no longer be linked to a family you claim to hold in such contempt.

Sami: (screaming) I HATE YOU!! I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU!

EJ: (sarcastically) Oh now darling, such venomous words aren't necessary. I should think the idea of not having to see me every day would appeal to you.

Sami: (still breathing hard) You don't know anything about me. You don't know what I want. You kept telling me how much you loved me, how much you wanted me. And you didn't care that I loved Lucas. That I was happy, that I had finally managed to put my life and family back together. You just took what you wanted and you didn't care who you hurt or who you destroyed to get it.

You keep telling everyone you've changed. That's a laugh! You haven't changed! You'll NEVER change! You're Stefano's son. The son of the most EVIL man who ever walked the earth. And you're just like him!!

He was obsessed with my mother, and he took her away from me for years. He didn't care how much her family needed her, or how much we all loved her. He wanted her for himself, and that's all that mattered. And now you're trying to do the same thing to me.

Well it's not going to work. You can't have me! You'll never have me!
I'll never love you EVER!

EJ pauses for a second, then crosses the distance between them in three strides.
He grabs Sami by the shoulders and stares into her eyes. She stares up at him, glaring. He pulls her close to him, and speaks very quietly.

EJ: No, Samantha, you are not Marlena. And I'm not my father. I don't need to kidnap you and keep you a prisoner like he did her.

You don't know this but I remember a time when my father held your mother captive. He had her drugged so she wouldn't fight, caged so she couldn't escape. I never understood, why would he want her that way? He kept her like a trophy. She wasn't able to respond to him.

He claimed it was because he loved her, but even as young as I was I knew, that was not love, it was obsession. A sick twisted obsession. And no matter how much he tried to convince himself she was his soul mate, his Queen of the Night, it would never be real.

He would never know how it felt to hold her in his arms. To have her give herself to him of her own free will. To feel the touch of her hands on him, to feel her breath on his lips. To look into her eyes and see love. To feel her heart, beating against his own in a single rhythm. To hear her call his name in the depths of her passion. To know how it felt to have her truly love him.

EJ pulls Sami to him and their lips touch. At first she hesitates, then her arms come up to encircle his neck. They kiss passionately.
Sami, pulls back and looks into his eyes.

Sami: EJ, I...I..can't breathe...I can't think....

EJ: Samantha, I love you. I have always loved you. I never asked that you change, or that you be anyone but who you are. I love you when you lie. I love you when you scheme and plot and manipulate people's lives. You never had to apologize to me for anything you've ever done.

Nothing you could do, nothing you could say, could ever make me stop loving you. I don't care about your past. I don't care how many horrible, deceitful, things you've done to survive.

Lucas puts conditions on his love. He makes you feel that if you stumble and fall he will withhold that love. That if you don't live your life by his standards and his dogma, he'll leave you. He refuses to listen when you try to tell him you had no choice, or that you were only trying to protect your family. He'd have you abandon your family. He has no loyalty. He doesn't understand what it means to have to sell your soul so your family will be safe.

We know, Samantha. Our families have been at war for decades. But in spite of everything we've done in the name of loyalty, we never forgot even for a moment, who we were, or why we had to do what we did. We belong together Samantha.
Our fate was decided before we were born. Our souls sought each other out, and now they bind us

EJ kisses her again. This time there is no hesitation on Sami's part. She clings to him as they kiss. EJ picks her up and carries her up the stairs to a large bedroom. They continue to kiss passionately. Clothes melt away, sheets entangle bodies. Passion overtakes them both.
EJ pulls away and looks into Sami's eyes.

EJ: Say it Samantha. I want to hear it from your lips. I want to see it in your eyes and know it's real. Say it.

Sami: I love you EJ. God forgive me, but yes, I love you.

Passion and hot monkey sex ensues.

Some Fun Pics For Thursday

2008-05-01T09:24:00.001-07:00

Just some random thoughts I have when I read Prevuze

Tony meets Barney, who is in charge of the production.

Barney gets a call.

Martino listens as Earl begs for his life. "I got a problem, Earl," says Martino, "I like you. I think everybody deserves a second chance."

Anna reads the script aloud. Barney asks her to read it again. He asks her if she's ever done any acting. Anna reels off her high school acting experience. Barney says he wants her in the shoot. Anna asks, "What? You want me to be in Kate's commercial?"

And one more, sorry, if anyone gets offended, but I just couldn't resist:

Theme Songs

2008-04-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

Everyone should have a good theme song. The song that should be playing every time you enter a room.
Today, I'd like to share, the theme songs of our DOOL folk.

*Note* Some of you "youngens" may have to Google some of these songs or download them from I-tunes (great way to use up those Pepsi codes!), since they came out before you were born. Sorry about that, but I'm a Baby Boomer / Pop Culture Diva.

Hope - "Heard It Through The Grapevine" Marvin Gaye

Bo - "Glory Days" Bruce Springsteen

Steve - "Bad To The Bone" George Thorogood & The Destroyers

Kayla - "I Need A Hero" Bonnie Tyler

Sami - "Complicated" Avril Lavigne

EJ - "Would I Lie To You?" Eurythmics

John Black - "A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action" Elvis

Marlena - "My Guy" Mary Wells

Chelsea - "Oops I Did It Again" Britney Spears

Nicole - "The Bitch Is Back" Elton John

Stephanie - "Don't Cha?" Pussycat Dolls

Max - "Smooth Operator" Sade

Ava - "Crazy Bitch" Buckcherry

Phillip - "Half The Man I Used To Be" Stone Temple Pilots

Shawn Jr. - "If I Only Had A Brain" from The Wizard Of Oz

Belle - "Barbie Girl" Aqua

Nick - "All Out Of Love" Air Supply

Chloe - "You're So Vain" Linda Ronstat

Morgan "My Humps" Black Eyed Peas

Roman - "Love Stinks" J Geils Band

Abe - "Theme From Shaft" Issac Hayes

Lexi - "One More Chance" The Jackson 5

Daniel - "Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me" Mac Davis

Tony & Anna (shared) "Why Can't We Be Friends?" War

And of course, the theme song for ALL DOOL fans EVERYWHERE.....

"We're Not Gonna Take It" Twisted Sister.

The Girl Guide

2008-04-24T04:46:00.000-07:00

The Girl Guide - The monthly magazine the women of Salem can't live without.

This month's feature articles:

Page 13 - He Cheated, Now What?

Getting even is so last season. First seduce his best friend, then his brother, his father, his son and his attorney (helps to get rid of that pesky pre-nup), and when you're finished fall sobbing into his arms and claim your broken heart made you do it.

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Page 26 - You Cheated - So What?

First claim innocence, then bring up every lie and half truth he ever told you, right back to the time in 9th grade when he backed out of taking you to the dance because he claimed his grandmother died.

Accuse him of being just like his father, then your father.
Blame him for the whole thing.

He pushed you too far, he should have paid more attention to you.
Start listing his faults, (be careful not to let him talk during this as he will try to counter with yours, as if you have any).

Finally break down sobbing and tell him a) He's the love of your life b) If he leaves you'll kill yourself c) You're pregnant (remember you don't actually have to BE pregnant to use this one)

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Page 101 - Excuses, excuses. - Never leave home without em.

"I forgot I was married"

"I was dead"

"It wasn't me it was my evil twin"

"If I tell you I did it, you'll just get mad and blame me for it."

"I wanted to tell you, but I never got the chance, even though you asked me repeatedly, the opportunity never came up."

"I did it for us!"

"I was only trying to protect my family"

"Stefano (fill in blank)"

"(fill in blank) was going to tell you everything! And I knew it would destroy (you, us, our marriage, our family)

"I had/have amnesia"

"I really wanted to be with you the whole time."

"I know I've lied about everything up until now, but NOW I'm telling you the truth."

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Page 119 - The Best Advice My Mom Ever Gave Me

The pass word for the hospital computer is 1234

All Salem cell phones have the same voice mail pass code - 0000

The blank DNA forms are in the LEFT file cabinet in the lab.

Joe in central booking at Salem PD takes the BEST mug shots.

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Page 124 - Can't Tell Him The Truth? - 5 questions to shut him up while you think.

"Shut up! Just shut up! Why don't you answer me?"

"Are you telling me the truth? Or is this just another one of your lies?"

"Are you really you? Or are you someone else?"

"Tell me you love me. I don't care if you have to lie, just tell me."

"Why do you force me to make you insist I do these things?"

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Page 168 - Retail and Services Guide

Tell Maxine at the bridal store "Sami sent you". She'll understand

For an extra $20, Bobby the valet at Che Rouge will say he never saw you.

Wednesdays are "Roots? What roots? I'm a natural blonde" Days at Esther's house of beauty.

Handguns and Handbags on 3rd and Lexington has a great special right now. Buy a Colt revolver and a Chanel tote, and get a matching bullet organizer FREE!

Slip Eddie at Salem Car Wash a quick $50 and tell him you want the "No Questions Asked" full detail.

Dear Abby Retires

2008-04-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

*Dear Abby had decided the problems of the good folk of Salem are just too much for her to deal with. So she has turned in her resignation and retired to sail around the world with this lovely young couple who invited her to go with them and their daughter.

For her replacement, the staff and crew of Daze has hired the only person in Salem with any common sense. . . . . okay so we couldn't find anyone so we decided to go with guest stars.

This week: Dear Dr. Phil
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

My husband is a lawyer. To be honest I didn't even know he was a lawyer when we got married, but that's not important right now.
Things have been difficult but we were working through our problems until recently, when he took on a client that I absolutely can't stand.

She's a loud, mouthy, obnoxious, , manipulative, lying bitch, who does nothing but cause trouble everywhere she goes.
She broke my brother's heart and stole my husband. She made my life a living hell from the moment I met her, and I thought I was rid of her until she came back to town to suck her last husband dry.

I mean how am I supposed to take care of my kids and have a normal life when I know she's out there plotting against me. I know she is going to try and steal my husband, even though it's really a marriage of convenience, but that's not the point. He's MY husband! And contrary to what everyone seems to think, I am NOT jealous. I just don't want her to go anywhere near my husband.

I gave him an ultimatum. Her or me, and the kids of course, but mostly NOT her. And I am not jealous, really.

Not Jealous Wife

Dear Not Jealous,
So ya married a guy you claim you don't love and now your panties are in a bunch because he's got a hot blonde for a client?

How's that workin' for ya? It's not is it? Didn't think so. Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you. Think about it.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

My dad was really sick recently and needed a transplant. Lucky me, I was the only one who was a match, so naturally I freaked out and ran away. Eventually they found me and I felt so guilty about everything, I gave in and gave my dad part of my pancreas.

The doctor who did the operation is this major league hottie, who I just can't stop thinking about. He's so smart and cool. I can't stop thinking about him.
Okay, so I have a boyfriend who is like all devoted to me but he's just so, well normal and boring. Dr. Hottie just makes me want to rip his clothes off and ...well you get the idea. It's like the difference between milk and a shot of tequila. What do I do?

Bewildered Bimbo

Dear Bimbo,
Congrats on picking a great name there honey, because that's pretty much what you are, among other things. Just remember the most you get is what you ask for. You might end up with this doctor, but is he what you really want?
It's time to get real. Pick a side and play ball.
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

I wrote to Dear Abby, but she was no help with all her common sense answers and such.

My husband was kidnapped by an evil genius who erased his memory. I thought he was dead, but my daughter's husband betrayed his family and told us my husband was alive.

Now all I want is my old husband back. Okay so this new guy is all rich and gives me diamonds and is way funnier and cooler than my husband ever was, but I don't want that. I want the man I married. The man who kissed my ass constantly and rolled over and played dead or whatever else I told him to .
This guy thinks too much. That's not working for me.

What do I do about this? Hook up with my husband who is not my husband? Or leave my husband, and get someone else?

Married To A Stranger

Dear Married,
Life is a marathon, it's not a sprint. Remember that. What are you in such an all fired hurry for? He's your husband, he's just not your door mat anymore.
And you can't handle that can you?
Remember the quickest way from A to B is not always at the most feverish pace. Deal with it.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

I am so mad at my boyfriend. He left me at the alter a couple years ago, and I have been tracking him down ever since.

I find him only to find out he has this other wife and she's all pregnant and saying he loves her and not me. I know this isn't true. I am so much hotter than her, and younger too. But he won't listen to me. He says he was brainwashed when we were together, and he never really loved me. How can he say that? I know it's not true, he loved me then and he still loves me. He just forgot.

I kidnapped his wife so he would come after her and then see me and remember how much he loves me more than he could ever ever ever love her.
He does love me, I know he does. He has to. I'll kill myself, NO I'll kill him if he doesn't say he loves me. That will show him. I'm not someone he can just use and toss aside!!! Yeah that lady in Fatal Attraction had it right! She just wussed out and couldn't kill the wife. I'm not making that mistake. The voices in my head know what they are talking about. They wouldn't lie to me!!! Not like HE did!
If I can't have him, NO WOMAN CAN!!!!!

But I'm Not Bitter

Dear Bitter,

You're right in the middle of downtown meltdown here. You're only lonely if you aren't there for you. And it seems like you are almost too there for you, if you catch my drift.

And now you're going to kill him because you can't have him. Well all I have to say about that, is just remember you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater if the septic tank is full.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

My marriage is in real trouble and I need your help. My husband came up with this hair brained idea of sailing around the world so we could re-connect as a couple. My first clue this was a stupid idea was, we didn't even have a boat!
So I talked my dad into giving us one, and we left. Well things have just gone from bad to catastrophic!

My moron husband can't sail. He can't even sail a toy boat in a bathtub without sinking it! What was I thinking? How did I get myself into this mess?
All we do is fight. He does something stupid, I yell at him for it, he says I'm being nit picky, I say he's acting like an idiot, he tells me if I don't like it why don't I just go back to Phillip (my ex), I tell him I would if we weren't out here in the middle of nowhere on the Titanic, he says that shows what I know, the Titanic sank in the Atlantic ocean and he's pretty sure we aren't in the Atlantic ocean, and he'll tell me for sure when he finds those big letters they show on the map that say Atlantic Ocean.

What do I do! He's driving me insane out here.

Shanghaied And Hating It

Dear Shanghaied,

It's like I always say: Instead of asking whether they way you are living, behaving or thinking is "right" I want you to ask if the way you are living, behaving and thinking is working or not working.

You have to name it before you can claim it. Get clear about what you want, and take your turn. You either get it or you don't. Be one of those who gets it.

DOOL Dictonary

2008-04-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone has heard the term: "He/She's the dictionary definition of...." or "Look in the dictionary under ______ and you'll find his/her picture.

Well we decided to look up certain frequently used words when talking about DOOL
And lo and behold, look what we found!

Ali and Johnny Meet The Gang

2008-04-10T05:27:00.000-07:00

Ali holds a small piece of paper as she and Johnny walk along a dark alleyway in the "bad" part of Salem.

"Are you sure this is where we're supposed to meet them?" Johnny asks

"Yes, for the millionth time." Ali replies "It says Water St. behind the Dimera Warehouse. This is Water St. and THAT is the Dimera Warehouse."

"So where are they?" Johnny asks.

Before Ali can say anything a bright light suddenly blinds the pair. A voice comes out of the darkness behind the light.

"Who sent you?"

"Ciara" Ali answers trying to see who is behind the light.

The light shuts off and Theo Carver walks up to Ali and Johnny.

"Sorry about that, just procedure" Theo says "Hi, I'm Theo Carver. You must be Ali."

"Yeah, I am." Ali answers

"And you!" Theo grabs Johnny and hugs him "Cousin Johnny! Glad to finally meet you."

Ali giggles as Johnny awkwardly accepts the hug from Theo.

"Come on you two, everyone is waiting." Theo goes to an unmarked door and knocks twice. The door opens and he shows them inside.

Ali and Johnny are shocked to be escorted into a huge room filled with video screens and computers. The screens are filled with images of various spots around Salem. The dining room of Che Rouge, the interior of the Salem PD, the Java Cafe, several views of the hallways in University Hospital, and one of the Brady Pub. On the computer monitors there are shots of Philip's office in Titan, Tony and Anna's offices, and Roman's office.

"Do you have the entire town under surveillance?" Johnny laughs

"Actually, yes we do" Theo answers. He goes to another computer and hits a few buttons. Suddenly the interior of Bo and Hope's house, the Dimera mansion, and Victor's house appear.

"Oh wow, I was kidding." Johnny says shocked.

"We aren't' Theo replies "You two need to understand, there's not a conversation in this town we don't hear. And there's not a meeting we don't know about."

"Wow" Ali says "How did you get cameras into some of those places?"

"Easy," Theo replies "Think about it. People take their kids everywhere because they don't think we understand what's going on. That's the beauty of it."

"And that is why we are so excited to have you two with us." Ciara joins them "You two are still small enough to get into places we haven't been able to."

"And with you living in the Dimera mansion now," Theo says "Well let's just say we have been trying to get more cameras in that place for years."

"I've been meaning to ask you," Ciara says "HOW did you ever manage to get your parents to move in there? I mean when we last met and I gave you the assignment of getting just one more camera in there. . . well let's just say when you called and told us you were moving in, that was just about the happiest day ever around here!"

"It wasn't hard." Ali explains "We knew if we started throwing all kind of fits at bedtime and refused to nap at the same time, eventually mom and EJ would realize they needed to be together all the time."

"And then my idea of calling Immigration and reporting their marriage as fake" Johnny says "Well I knew the US Government would jump at the chance to deport a Dimera. Any Dimera. And I wasn't wrong."

"Yep, it was all downhill from there." Ali smiles "We knew mom and EJ would run to Grandma Marlena, and whine they needed a bigger place."

"And we knew Grandma Marlena would run straight to Uncle John," Johnny says "The only down side was now she's going to be all giggling and flirting with him."

A collective "Ewwwwwww" runs through the four of them.

"Dude! Thanks for the visual" Theo shudders "It's bad enough I have to watch my parents hang all over each other. At least I'm used to that."

"Okay, enough of the gross stuff." Ciara declares "We have work to do."

Ciara goes to a large cabinet and comes back with several boxes. She opens one and shows Johnny and Ali a tiny camera and transmitter.

"Now these are the cameras we want you to plant around the mansion." Ciara explains "They are wireless and once activated will pick up everything that goes on in whatever room you place them in. Each has it's own microphone sensitive enough to pick up the softest whisper."

"Wow," Ali says "So we just find out of the way places to put these and then the transmitters will send everything to you guys?"

"Pretty much" Ciara says "We'll give you a laptop with all the software pre-downloaded and set up for each camera and mic set up. They'll act like little web cams and record everything."

"But what about someone doing a security sweep?" asks Ali "Won't they pick up the signal?"

"Nope." Ciara says "These use 3G technology that connects to the cam by dialing through your cell phone. Anyone doing a sweep would only detect cell phone activity. Which of course they would disregard."

"Okay, anything else?" Johnny asks

"Glad you asked that." Claire enters the room and joins the group

"CLAIRE!" Ali runs to her cousin and hugs her "I am so glad to see you! When did you get back?"

"Not long ago" Claire smiles "Remind me to tell you the whole story when we get done here, it's pretty good."

"I'll bet!" Johnny says "I only spent a few hours with Aunt Belle. I have no idea how you managed to survive being her kid!"

"Don't remind me." Claire says "Okay, now let's get back on track here. We need to get you two back home ASAP to set up this stuff."

"Yes, there will be time for family reunions later." Ciara says "Clarie show these two what you have."

Claire pulls out a pen and puts it into Johnny's hand. "THIS, will be the most important part of your mission."

"A pen?" Johnny laughs "What? Is it a SPY CAM!"

"Yes actually, it is." Clarie replies

Johnny's eyes get wide when he realizes she's not kidding. "NO WAY! That is SO COOL!"

"Okay calm down little brother." Ali says "Let Claire explain how this works."

"Thank you Ali" Claire says "Now Johnny, if you can curb your excitement for a few minutes, I will tell you about the pen."

Johnny tries to tear himself away from marveling at the pen, but Ali ends up having to take it from him to get him to listen.

"Okay, pay attention" Claire says "This is a fully functioning, normal looking pen with a completely inconspicuous built in wireless camera. It has a solar charger and a built in Li-ion battery. When the cap is twisted it starts a wireless transmission that can be picked up by the receiver at a range of 10-20 meters. We have designed it to look like the pens that John normally uses. You simply swap it out every morning, and back every night so you can download the information."

"I have GOT to get one of these." Johnny says and grabs the pen back

"Forgive my brother," Ali smiles and wrenches the pen back out of his hands "He IS a guy, and you know how they are about gadgets."

Ciara sighs "Yes, we do. There was a time when the ISA considered only using us girls as agents since we don't get all caught up in the technology. But in the end we couldn't risk the security breaches, so we brought the guys in. But as you may have already figured out, all IT and technology is assigned to girl agents."

"Thank goodness for that." Ali says. She turns to say something to Johnny but finds he is gone. She looks around and sees him off in a corner of the room with Theo. The two of them are having the time of their lives playing with a cabinet full of various spy gadgetry.

"Okay, I see he'll be occupied for a while." Ali says "Go ahead and fill me in on all this and I'll catch my goofy brother up later."

Claire, Ciara and Ali discuss where the cameras will be placed, and make arrangements for the next meeting, as Theo and Johnny play laser tag with rifle sites.

Unbeknownst to them, back at the mansion, Sami wonders why the twins are being so quiet and decides to go check on them. As she starts up the stairs she trips a silent alarm that sounds at the KISA (Kid's ISA) headquarters.
Or rather it WOULD HAVE sounded, had one of the boys not bumped into the keyboard tied into the "parental alarm" system and muted the audible signal.

A red light starts flashing on the computer screen, but neither the girls nor the boys notice it. Meanwhile Sami reaches the door of the twins' room and listens before she reaches for the knob.

Dear Abby

2008-04-09T05:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Abby,

I'm in love with a wonderful girl. She's smart, beautiful and so far out of my league I never in a million years thought I'd ever get a girl like her.

The problem is she seems to have forgotten I even exist lately.
She had to have an operation and now she's hanging all over this really handsome charming doctor guy.

I'm not jealous or anything, it's just that this guy is everything a girl would ever want. Handsome, rich, charming, totally ripped, eyes you could get lost in, a smile that lights up a room, and so smart! I mean this guy just did a surgery so complicated only a handful of doctors in the world have ever attempted it. And he just stepped in and did it. It was so amazing, I just get all sweaty and nervous whenever I think about his strong hands hold that scalpel. His voice, so calming and sure, telling me everything will be okay. Um I mean when he tells his patients every thing will be okay.

Like I said, I'm not jealous, but what do I do about this guy. Going after my girl I mean.

Really Confused

Dear Confused,
I think your signature says it all. And if you can't figure out what THAT means, there's this river in Egypt you need to look up.
I think maybe your girlfriend isn't the one interested in this "Dr Hottie".

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,

I have written to you before about the situation with my neighbors and how I think they are neglecting their daughter, but things have gotten much much worse and I really don't know what to do.

I am hesitant to turn them in as they are both police officers in my town. Or at least that's what they say they are. I never see either one of them doing any "official" police work.

Every day they leave for work or whatever, and neither one of them has the child.
So that means she's alone in the house. I try to peep into the windows to see if I can see her in there, and I think I hear voices once in a while, but I never see anything.

Now both parents have been gone for over 3 weeks and I am really starting to get worried. I know someone is in there, because I see lights on at night and the TV on during the day. But no one ever comes or goes. It's really strange.
Can this little girl be living there all alone? How could that happen?

Do I call CPS? Do I go over there and knock on the door? Or do I just keep minding my own business? I don't want to be nosy or anything.

Not-nosy Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

It's been 3 weeks and you are just NOW STARTING to get worried?

Nice try. I know a fake letter when I see one, and this one isn't even a good one. A child alone for 3 weeks, yeah right.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,

I am having a real problem with my husband. We've been married for over 30 years and I love him dearly. But lately he has changed. So much so that he's just not the man I married.

He was gone for a while working on a case for his law firm. Now he's back and it's weird, but I almost don't recognize him anymore.

He swears he didn't have any "work" done while he was gone, but so much about him has changed. The worst is this new toupee' he has. Abby I swear the man skinned a poodle and glued it on top of his head. It's just awful. I mean like train wreck awful. I can't not stare at it.

And speaking of staring; he has this George Hamilton "man tan" as well. If feel like my husband left and this geriatric Ken doll has taken his place. Frankly it's creeping me out. What do I do?

PS: I am sending along a picture of the two of us so you can see what I mean.
Here we are:

Mrs. Tan Poodleman

Dear Mrs. Poodleman,

Umm sorry but, Pot meet Kettle.
Okay, I see what you mean about the rug, eww.
You can call your husband a "geriatric Ken doll" all you want, but the truth is you're looking a lot like "Botox Barbie". Stop worrying about it and concentrate on keeping you both out of direct sunlight.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,

I have a horrible problem and really need your help.

My boyfriend disappeared a year or so ago and I just now managed to track him down. The problem is he is claiming he was under some kind of mind control and had amnesia the entire time we were together. He says he has this wife and kid he forgot all about, and now he's back with her and they are having another kid!

I know he loves me, I just know it. He has to! He told me! He wouldn't lie to me. I know he wouldn't. It's his so called wife. She's keeping us apart. She is poisoning his mind against me. I know he loves me. He wants me back I am sure of it. The voices in my head tell me all the time how much he loves me. And they wouldn't lie.

I have kidnapped his wife and just need to figure out what to do with her. He can't love her as much as he loves me. He's just pretending to love her. He really loves ME! I can tell by the way he looks at me when I hold a gun to his head.

My only real problem is the voices in my head can't agree on how I should kill this broad. One says "Just shoot her", another says "Poison her" and still another says "Stab her". Then there are the ones who just sit there and laugh. They are making the ones who sit there and cry really angry. It's just so hard to concentrate when they all argue like that.

My question is: If I buy the Prada bag, will it go with my new Gucci shoes? Or maybe I should just leave the purple cat alone with the black dog. The dog does keep saying KILL KILL KILL KILL, but how do I know he's talking about Krispy Kreme Donuts? And what color is the number 5?

Queen Anastasia

Dear Queen,
Listen very carefully dear. Take the BLUE pill. Two of the Orange will not help.

I also need you to write back with your real return address so I can send a birthday card to the black dog. Some friends of mine in white jackets will be delivering it. Watch for them. Don't worry about the ambulance they drive up in. They will be coming right from work and won't have time to pick up their normal car. Oh and my friends are quite the merry pranksters! You may have to go out and search the ambulance for the card, they love hiding things like that.
Be sure to climb all the way in and look for it really well.
____________________________________________________________________

Lost In Space

2008-04-07T05:05:00.000-07:00

On board the alien space ship; Lt. Ga stands outside the Captain's quarters, trying to decide what to say. He paces back and forth, trying several approaches.
"Captain Za, before I start I just want you to know, it was not my fault." (Starting out with an apology is never good, Ga thinks.)

"Good morning Captain! Wow have you lost weight?" (Sucking up? Can you say fast track to the worst job on the ship? Watching DOOL and explaining the episodes to the Captain in a way that makes them sound interesting. Ga had heard horror stories about past unfortunates who had to be committed to insane asylums after only a few weeks.)

"Captain Za, you're going to laugh when you hear this, remember the two earth creatures we picked up a while back?" (Why would he laugh? It's not funny.)

"Now see here Captain Za, I have done the best I could in this situation, so don't go blaming me!" (Directly to the offensive? Never good.)

Ga began to bang his head slowly on the wall, when suddenly the intercom outside the Captain's door popped on.

"Ga, I know you are out there, I've been watching for the past hour. Just give up and get in here. I know all about it." Za's voice was measured and careful.

Ga swallowed hard and stepped into the Captain's office. Za was sitting behind a floating desk with hundreds of monitor screens floating behind him. Each screen was alive with activity. Some shots of earth, some showing the various parts of the ship, and one permanently set to Cartoon Network, (Za had a thing for the Venture Brothers and Robot Chicken)

"Before you start with excuses, I want you to know I am fully aware of the situation with the Earthlings." Za began

"ALL of them sir?" Ga asks

"Yes ALL of them" Za replies mocking Ga "What I want to know is, has ANYONE come up with a plan to get RID of them?"

"Well sir, a few of the crew would like to keep the one called Belle, just to see what she'll do next." Ga says "Kind of like a pet."

"Even after she crashed the navigation system because she wanted the 'Christmas lights' to stop blinking? " Za asks "Or do they think her incessant whining in that high pitched voice of hers will eventually stop making crew members' heads explode?"

Ga says nothing just looks around the room nervously.

"Let's run down a few more of the 'dynamic duo's' exploits shall we?" Za waves his hand and one of the computer screens moves forward, and expands to the size of a 60 inch flat panel TV. "I've even recorded them in HD for your viewing pleasure" Za says sarcastically. He waves his hand again and video of Belle and Shawn starts to play.

"Here's their first day here" Za says "Notice how Shawn keeps trying to beat up the crew who are trying to attach a translation device so he can understand us when we talk. And look, here's the first time Belle's voice makes one of the crew's head explode. Notice the look of confusion on his face right before his head turns into a glob of goo, oozing down the wall."

Ga wants to turn away from the screen but he can't. It's like an episode of DOOL, you want to stop watching but you just can't!

"Oh look, Shawn is going to try to drive the ship." Za continues "Oops, how did he know a giant asteroid the size of Neptune would hurt the ship if he crashed into it? But then again we hadn't had to use the abandon ship alarm in so long. And isn't it nice to know the escape pods really work."

"Sir for the record, I want you to know it was NOT my turn at the helm that day, so I am NOT the one who gave him permission." Ga says

"Noted" Za says "Oh oh, here's my favorite! Belle running around the ship looking for 'Claire'. That of course was before we figured out 'Claire' was her offspring and to be fair she didn't know in our language, claire means a male sexual organ. Look look, she's about to say it...'Claire! I need Claire! Please just give me Claire! I'll do ANYTHING, please!' Oh my I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard."

Za waves his hand and the video screen goes blank, and shrinks back to normal size before returning to it's place on the wall.

"Now, what is so important that you felt you had to stand outside my door and rehearse what to say for so long." Za asks

Ga sighs "Captain, we have just discovered Belle and Shawn have escaped. Now that in and of itself might not be a bad thing, except they found the matter transporter and have transported themselves to our home planet."

Za stares at Ga in disbelief "AND? Oh God do I really want to know?"

"Well that depends" Ga says "Oh the upside our planet is still there..."

"JUST SPIT IT OUT! Za shouts

"Sir, please remember, no one could have foreseen this disaster." Ga says "Our King was sure he had planned for every possible type of attack. At least every LOGICAL one."

Za closes his eyes and pinches between them as if he has suddenly developed a migraine. "Go on."

"Well Belle and Shawn managed to transport themselves into the medical facility in our capitol city. Once there, Shawn grabbed what he assumed was a weapon out of one of the labs." Ga says

"Do I want to know what it was?" Za asks "Keep going."

"The thing Shawn grabbed was in reality a DNA transference device." Ga explains "Even if he had known what it was, he wouldn't have understood it's purpose. On Earth they still reproduce sexually. We of course did away with that method centuries ago since it often led to unplanned reproduction and inferior DNA matches. I believe it was your ancestor who first separated reproduction and sex wasn't it sir?"

"Yes, about 10 generations back, on my mother's side." Za says "She was so disappointed when I chose exploring other worlds over becoming a doctor or a research scientist. But I just couldn't handle all those guys in college who called me 'the grandson of sex'. The separation of sex and reproduction was the best thing that ever happened to our civilization. It made us superior. Okay, stop trying to distract me, keep going with your report."

"Well, Shawn didn't know how to use the DNA extractor at first, but never underestimate the power of stupidity." Ga says "He not only figured it out, he turned the setting to FULL. As in no DNA filters, bad traits as well as good would be transferred."

"OH GOD NO" Za's eyes grew wide "He didn't figure out how to . . . "

"Yes, sir" Ga says "I am afraid he figured out how to shoot it. And in the process with each shot, transferring his DNA into any fertile female of our species rendering her instantly pregnant."

"How, how how" Za can barely speak "How many?"

"Our best estimate is just over 100." Ga says "There was some sort of concert going on in the convention center across the street from the hospital. And Shawn somehow ended up on stage..."

All Za can do at this point is moan.

"Shawn got the device stuck on constant auto-fire" Ga continues "And it took several minutes before security was able to subdue him and turn the device off. The center was locked down quickly, and all women inside are undergoing pregnancy tests as we speak."

"And Belle?" Za asks "Go ahead, I can take anything at this point."

"Well that's the bright side to this, if you can call it that." Ga says "Security was able to distract her with some shiny things, and lure her into a personality re-programming module. Once inside technicians managed to access the few working brain cells she has and increase their capacity to store information. It took some doing, but they think with a few more sessions Belle could be retrained to be a productive member of our society."

Captain Za heaves a heavy sigh, and goes to a small panel in the wall of his quarters. He pushes a few buttons, some lights flash and a glass appears in his hand. He downs the contents in one gulp and repeats the process.

"So within the next year we will be up to your elbows in half human moron babies correct?" Za asks

"Our scientists are working right now to adapt the personality re-programmer for pre-natal use." Ga says "They are hopeful at least some of the babies will be born normal. With a reasonable amount of intelligence. But they aren't sure they can eliminate the anger issues."

"So we'll be surrounded by babies who need anger management classes" Za says "I am not sure that's much better."

"Well the King had an idea, but it would depend on your being willing to help." Ga says

"What can I do?" Za asks "Take the babies back to earth?"

Ga is quiet.

"You aren't serious! Where would we take them?" Za asks

"The King thinks we could take them all back to Salem. We would have to use the time travel device, but we could take the babies and re-locate them one at a time at various points in Salem history. If we did 1 or 2 a year, no one would notice." Ga explains

"But what about the gene pool? Won't that play havoc with it?" Za asks

"Well from what we can tell," Ga says "the people of Salem aren't exactly equipped with a full set of chromosomes as it is. Everyone is already related to everyone, so it won't be that big of a deal."

"Well then," Za sighs "I guess that's the plan. Of course the King will issue a decree that forbids any further exploration of Earth, I am sure."

"Already drafted and signed." Ga says

"Okay then, I guess the only thing left to do is wait for the babies to be born." Za says "We'll have to retro-fit the ship with cribs and hire some babysitters."

"I have the plans on the ship's computer, and will start interviewing babysitters next week." Ga says "Anything else before I go?"

"Yes," Za says "Once this is all over, you will NEVER EVER let me hear the names Shawn and Belle again. Correct?"

"No idea who you're talking about sir." Ga replies

Ali and Johnny Are Recruited

2008-04-04T05:43:00.000-07:00

Upstairs in the former Dimera mansion, Sami peeks one more time at the sleeping twins before closing the bedroom door and going downstairs.

Inside the twins' bedroom Ali listens at the door. As soon as she is sure Sami is downstairs she gives the all clear.

"I thought she'd never leave." Johnny says hoping out of his crib

"Yeah well you COULD be a little less into the breast feeding thing you know." Ali rolls her eyes.

"Hey, I can't help it." Johnny grins "I'm Italian after all."

"Yeah in your dreams," Ali says "You're about as Italian as Pizza Hut."

Suddenly a panel in the wall opens and Ciara Brady steps out.

"Who are you!" Ali gasps "And what are you doing coming out of the wall?"

"Should I get mom?" Johnny asks "I can try crying, but she doesn't always pay attention to that. I could knock something over, maybe Uncle John would come to see what we broke this time."

"Calm down you two." Ciara says "I'm family. Well sort of family. We're cousins I guess. I'm Ciara and my dad's your Uncle Bo."

Ali takes a long look at Ciara and whispers to Johnny, "I've heard of her. But very few people have ever actually seen her."

"How can we be sure it's actually her then?" Johnny asks

"Well, I figure she has to be who she says she is" Ali explains "Who else would claim to have Bo and Hope as parents if it weren't true?"

Johnny nods in agreement and the twins turn their attention back to Ciara.

"Well are you done deciding if I'm for real or not?" Ciara asks

"We believe you," Ali says "But that still doesn't explain what you are doing here."

"I'm here to recruit you." Ciara gets right to the point. "To be an operative in the ISA."

Again Ali and Johnny exchange looks. "The ISA? REALLY?" Johnny is excited "But we are just kids, what can we do?"

"For years the ISA has used the kids of Salem as undercover agents." Ciara explains "They can listen in on conversations and not be suspected, they can move freely in areas where an adult would be arrested or at the least suspected of spying. And above all else, they are, on the whole, much more intelligent than any of the adults"

The twins nod as each point is explained.

"Right now, we have several operations going, and we are down one very important agent. Your cousin Claire. She had to leave with her dimwit parents to avoid any suspicion. And although she has escaped them, she can't re-surface until it is time to let the rest of Salem know they are missing at sea."

"Belle and Shawn are missing?" Johnny says "Well that's going to send mom into one of her classic whining fits."

"Not to mention how freaked out Grandma Marlena is going to be." Ali agrees

"Uncle John will be ticked they lost his boat already." Johnny grins "But at least he was smart enough to get a butt load of insurance on it before they left, so that will ease his pain, so to speak."

"See now that's the kind of information we're talking about!" Ciara says "I bet there aren't many adults who know John insured Belle and Shawn's boat for a lot of money."

"I don't think anyone else knows." Ali says "Didn't he have you down in his office with him that day you wouldn't take a nap? Mom was upstairs with me and asked him to watch you while she gave me a bath."

"Yeah, he had me on his lap and was showing me all these papers, telling me what they all were and explaining how this deal was going to make him this much money, and that deal was going to bring down this company." Johnny says

"Now you get it." Ciara says "Adults don't think us kids can even begin to understand what they are talking about when they show us things like bank statements and office papers. They just think we like to hear them talk, but we don't know what they are saying. When in reality we do."

"So you want us to join you and the ISA and help spy on the grown ups?" Ali says "What's in it for us?"

"Pretty much everything." Ciara says "You get to travel around the world, have unlimited expense accounts, and best of all you get to find out just how stupid the grown ups really are. You will be amazed at how much you can get away with just by being 'a good kid'. Parents figure if a kid is behaved they can ignore them. And they do."

"But what about cookies?" Johnny says "I heard stories about Claire getting unlimited cookies. Is that true?"

"Of course not Johnny!" Ali says "No one gets unlimited cookies."

Ciara smiles "IF you join us, you wil."

The twins' eyes grow wide at this.

"You mean it's true?" Ali gasps "We can have all the cookies we want?"

"And crackers!" Johnny says excitedly "Please tell me we get crackers too!"

"Cookies, crackers, candy, ice cream, chips. Whatever you want, you get it. And more." Ciara smiles "And the best part, if you play your cards right, they leave you with Doug and Julie. And when you're with them, the sky's the limit. Toys until you fall asleep standing up, snacks any time, and no one ever ever ever tells you no!"

"And all we have to do is keep our eyes and ears open and report back the things we hear the grown ups talk about?" Ali says

"At first yes." Ciara says "Then later you'll be gathering information other ways. Like taking pictures of documents, checking computers for information and sending that to us, getting copies of discs, things like that. You won't be asked to do anything really complicated until you go through your training."

"Wow," Johnny says "It all sounds really cool. What do you say Ali? Are we in?"

Ali sits quietly for a few minutes, thinking.

"So how long can we do this? I mean, at what age do we stop?" Ali asks

"Usually around 12 or so" Ciara says "About the time your mind gets over run with hormones and you start acting stupid. You know like an adult."

"But there have to be some of you who last into adulthood. Otherwise there wouldn't be any grown up agents." Johnny says

"There are, there are." Ciara says "And I'm not saying you guys won't be among the few who do make it. But you have to understand, if you become useless to us, we will erase your memory of your time with us and you'll never know the difference."

"So is erasing our memory dangerous?" Ali asks

"Well I won't lie, we have had our failures." Ciara says "Hope, Kayla, Bo...and of course our worst ever, Shawn and Belle."

"Shawn and Belle were kid agents?" Johnny gasps "What happened?"

"There was an unfortunate incident with the memory erasing process." Ciara says "Too much was removed, and well, lets just say the agent responsible was punished."

"Who was it?" Ali whispers

"Steve Johnson" Ciara says "His punishment was he had to come back from his faked death and live with your Aunt Kayla again. Needless to say, he was not happy about it. But you can't mess up as bad as he did and not expect to pay the price."

"Wow" the twins say together.

"Okay, now the time has come, are you guys in?" Ciara asks.

"YES!" Ali and Johnny don't hesitate with their answer.

"Great, now let's get you started on your first assignment." Ciara says

All About Nicole

2008-04-03T04:44:00.000-07:00

Nicole walks into the Dimera mansion and tosses her fur, and the dog, onto the sofa. She walks over and pours herself a drink. John comes in and gives her one of his patented "new John" looks.

"Making yourself at home?" John asks

"Well I need to feel welcome somewhere" Nicole snaps back "My re-entry into Victor's life went over like Stefano at a Brady family reunion."

"Ahh I expected as much." John smiles "So Victor was not happy to see you."

"Not happy would have been an improvement, trust me." Nicole says "And what is up with Diva Barbie? When did Phillip hook up with her?"

"It's a long story, and one I don't care to get in to right now." John says "Besides I'm supposed to have lost my memory remember?"

"Yeah, I heard something about that." Nicole says "So why exactly did the ISA want me to come back here? It can't be just to mess with ol' Vic."

"Well that's part of it," John says "But you're right there is more to it."

"Well I'm all ears" Nicole sits on the sofa "Tell me why the big brave ISA needed little ol' me to fix their problem."

"We don't need you to fix anything, as much as we need you to distract Victor." John says "You see the Kiriakis ships have been unloading, or rather trying to unload containers for the past week. I have been stopping those containers. And up until now, I haven't had any problems, but then Victor got wind of it and frankly I just don't want to have to deal with the old man."

"Scared are you?" Nichole grins

"No, more like just not wanting to put that much time and energy into fighting him." John pours himself another drink "You see Phillip has been in charge down at the docks for the past few months, and getting around him was fairly easy. But now I guess Jr. can't handle things and has gone whining to his daddy. I need those containers stopped, and I can't do it if Victor gets involved."

"So what's in the containers?" Nicole asks

John stops mid drink and turns away, "That is none of your concern."

"Oh REALLY?" Nichole says "I'm curious now. It must be something big or you wouldn't have had to get me involved."

"I don't have the authority to give out that information" John says "Let's just say it is something that the town of Salem doesn't need in it."

"Okay now I HAVE to know." Nichole says "You can't just expect me to waltz back into Victor's life and wreak havoc without a really juicy reason."

"Why not?" John smirks "Wreaking havoc seems to be your specialty. It is, what you DO."

"True." Nicole says "But if I'm distracted by not knowing what's in those containers I may not do the best job. I could, just get bored. And if that happens you never know. I might even talk Victor INTO getting more involved with his shipping line. THEN where would you be?"

"Are you threatening me?" John frowns

"No darling" Nicole laughs "I'm just making sure I have an Ace up my sleeve. When all this blows up I want to make sure no one has any reason to suspect I had ANYTHING to do with it. And I sure YOU don't want everyone to know you've been faking your little brainwash thing all this time."

"They told me not to underestimate you." John smiles "And they were right."

"So are you going to tell me or not?" Nicole asks

John takes another sip of his drink and stares into space. He turns to Nicole and give her one of his "looks", then sits on the sofa

"I assume you remember the Paris Hilton video that surfaced a few years ago" John begins

"Of course" Nicole rolls her eyes "What about it?"

"And of course the infamous Tommy Lee and Pamela video?" John continues

"Oh LORD!" Nicole rolls her eyes again "You know I met Pamela when I was in Hollywood. I swear I don't know what the big deal is with her. It's no wonder she quit doing Baywatch. She's so plastic she'd melt if she stayed in direct sunlight for longer than 5 minutes."

"Well while those videos may have given those involved an extra 15 minutes of fame, what with all the media attention they got" John explains "There's another side of the story that no one talks about. Did you know the price of Hilton stock fell 20 points after the release of Paris' video?"

"Okay, sex video bad, I got it. But you still aren't telling me what's in those containers." Nicole said

"Well I am in a way." John says "You see, the ISA has discovered that Stefano has been secretly taping all the..uh...liaisons between Salem couples over the years, and now he's put them on DVDs that he plans to release all over the country."

"But I heard Stefano was in an irreversible coma" Nicole says

"That's what he wants everyone to think." John explains "Two weeks ago one of our agents discovered Rolf woke Stefano up not long after he supposedly went into his coma. Stefano has been pretending ever since. He replaced all the workers at the home he's in with his men. And he's been running his operation from his hospital bed ever since."

Nicole stands up and looks at John. You can almost see the wheels turning in her head as she processes this information and mentally goes through her past hook ups.

"But if he wanted to ruin everyone in Salem, why would he have the containers unloaded IN Salem?" Nicole asks "Why not New York or LA?"

"Because he knows if some of those affairs came to light it would cause chaos in Salem." John explains "There would be divorces, custody battles, paternity would be questioned. Stefano knows that. So what more perfect place for the DVDs to be released first than right here in Salem?"

"OH - MY - GOD!" Nicole gasps "John we have to stop those containers!"

"Exactly" John says "Now are you in?"

"All the way." Nicole says "Just tell me what you want me to do."

Claire Explains It All

2008-04-02T04:55:00.000-07:00

MEMORANDUM

To: Shane Donovan - ISA Director
From: Ciara Brady - Senior Agent
Re: De-Briefing of Agent Claire Kiriakis on Mission Fancy Face IV
____________________________________________________________________

The following is a transcript of the oral de-briefing session regarding the events that occurred during the final weeks of the Fancy Face IV investigation.

Agent Kiriakas:

Testing..is this on?
My name is Claire Kiriakis and I am a senior agent working for the ISA.
During the months of March 2008 through August 2008 I was a passenger on the vessel Fancy Face IV.
My mission was to monitor the events that happened on the vessel and insure the subjects Belle and Shawn Brady (hereafter referred to as BB and SB) did not become involved in any international incidents that might cause a breach in our nation's security.

The voyage began uneventfully, with BB spending the bulk of her day on deck sunning herself and painting her toenails, while SB pretended to know what he was doing with regard to the navigation of the journey.

The second day out, SB dropped the batteries for the GPS system overboard and since he neglected to purchase back up batteries, attempted to navigate without it.
I tried to give hints on how to use the ocean charts and maps provided by the Coast Guard when the vessel left Salem Harbor, however SB disregarded all suggestions.
I felt any further attempts would jeopardize my cover.

After being forced to witness BB and SB engage in what only can be described as high school make-out sessions for hours at a time, while allowing the vessel to drift aimlessly, I came to the conclusion if the situation were allowed to continue we would all be dead within a week.

Every night after BB and SB would go to sleep I would spend several hours correcting SB navigational mistakes and plotting a new course for the next day. While under normal circumstances this plan would have worked, I underestimated the power of complete ignorance and SB's sheer stupidity. Every morning SB would take the vessel off its charted course and sail in the opposite direction. The result being we were traveling in a circle with a radius of approximately 100 miles. Since we were only 50 miles outside the confines of Salem Harbor I decided to let it continue and hoped eventually we would eventually end up back in Salem. I was incorrect in my assumption.

By the end of the second month BB had started drinking heavily. I discovered a bottle of the medication Xanax in her bag and determined her behavior although altered, was no where near as dangerous as SB's.

The following is an abbreviated list of what can only be described cataclysmicly ignorant acts.

1. Used all but a few gallons of the vessel's fresh water supply to fill an inflatable swimming pool. SB's reasoning was that we were surrounded by all the water we could ever need (referring to the ocean) but he didn't like swimming in it because it "tasted nasty".

2. Couldn't figure out how to turn on the vessel's on-board navigational computer.

3. Turned off the vessel's radio because it "gave him a headache".

4. Spent hours each day randomly turning the wheel and singing Popeye the Sailor, Sea Cruise, and the theme from Gilligan's Island. At the end of the latter he would spin the wheel several times to simulate the shows credits.

5. Had to be stopped several times from trying to re-create the "riding a knife down the sail" scene from old pirate movies.

6. Chipped 2 teeth diving off the side of the vessel with a knife clenched in his teeth. Again trying to re-create a scene from a pirate movie.

7. Built a fire directly on the deck because he wanted to make 'smores by a real campfire.

After months of enduring this behavior, along with BB's daily bouts of catatonia from drinking her "mommy juice", I decided to break character and risk blowing my cover by contacting headquarters for help. I had just made contact using my cell phone, when BB walked in on me. She was easy enough to get rid of, but after this incident I could not find my phone anywhere. I attempted to persuade BB to help me find it, only to find out she had hidden it until I could learn how to "take my nap nap like I am supposed to instead of playing on my toy phone".

During the final 2-3 weeks BB began to make a series of attempts to kill SB by pushing him overboard. Each time he was able to re-board the vessel, but something told me it was just a matter of time.

On the final night a small storm had blown in and we were below deck waiting for it to pass. After one particularly brilliant lightening strike followed by an enormous thunder clap, BB lost it completely. She began babbling over and over, "all boat and no land make Belle kill Shawn". After close to an hour of this, she came out of the galley with a large knife and lunged at SB. He got away from her and ran up to the deck.
Through the window I could see them fighting but lost sight of them after the lightening stopped.

I waited until morning to go out on deck and found it empty. I searched for them for several hours then contacted the Coast Guard via the radio.

I can only surmise the two of them fell overboard during their struggle and are either lost at sea or dead.

The opinion of this agent is Belle and Shawn Brady were both together and singularly a waste of space on this planet and we are all better off without them.

One final note: As the Coast Guard prepared to tow the Fancy Face IV back to Salem Harbor I could have sworn I saw a large cigar shaped object with brightly colored lights around it, dip down in the area where SB and BB went overboard then rise back up quickly and disappear into the sky. I attribute this sighting to lack of sleep and fatigue.

I hereby swear the account of this incident is true to the best of my recollection.

Claire Kiriakis
Sr. ISA Agent.

The Diary of Belle

2008-04-01T05:14:00.001-07:00

Max and Nick's Heinous Escapade Part III

2008-03-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

The guys got downstairs only to find the car had not returned.

They followed the girls to Carol's house and were escorted into her rec room.
After an hour or so of listening to music and talking Max decided to take a shot with Julie, to see if he could talk her out of stealing the fur piece.

They went outside and sat on the front steps. Max thought he'd have to do a lot of talking to steer Julie into talking about stealing but she jumped right into it on her own.

"Did you see that fur stole at Bartlett's? I have been wanting that for soooo long and my square parents won't buy it for me. So tomorrow I'm going to go steal it." Julie says

"Aren't you afraid you'll get in trouble?" Max asks "You know arrested?"

"What do I care? Besides I'm too cool to get caught." Julie brags

"Yeah, but you never know." Max insists "And you'd have to go to jail and have a record and all..."

"Pffft." Julie dismisses him with a wave of her hand "Even if I get caught, my Uncle Mickey is a really good lawyer and he'd never let them put me in jail."

Max had to stifle a cough when she says "really good lawyer".

"I don't get why a pretty girl like you needs to resort to breaking the law to get attention. And don't deny it, you don't want that fur, you really want attention." Max says

"Who are you? My father? Oh no wait, you can't be you're paying attention to me." Julie snaps.

Max sighs "Look, I just don't want you to ruin your life because you think your parents are umm square."

Julie draws a square in the air and rolls her eyes. "Man you are really bringing me down."

"Uh yeah" Max says "But let me tell you a story about this girl I know who is a lot like you. Her name's Chelsea.."

"Chelsea?" Julie asks "That's a weird name."

"Yeah, well anyway, she was a lot like you." Max continues "Her parents were split up and she didn't think either one of them cared about her. She did all kinds of stuff to get them to notice her. She got drunk, she stole stuff, she threw big tantrums."

Julie screws her face up and purses her lips "She doesn't sound so bad. Her parents are the ones that made her do all that."

"Well she kept doing stuff until one night she conned her dad into letting her drive when she wasn't supposed to, and she hit her little brother and killed him."
Max says

Julie's eyes get big at this "Wow really? She killed her own brother?"

"Yep" Max says "And she got attention, but it wasn't the kind she wanted. She had to go to court and almost spent a very long time in jail."

"How did she get out of it?" Julie asks

"She turned herself around" Max whitewashes the truth a bit "She proved to her parents that she could get her life under control and be good. She's in college right now and doing really good."

"But no one understands me!" Julie whines "They all just treat me like a baby, and I'm not! I'm old enough to know what I want, and make my own decisions."

"Oh mature ones, like stealing a fur piece to get attention." Max says "If you want your parents to notice you why not show them you really are grown up and either get a job or go to school."

Julie rolls her eyes again, "BOR-ING! As soon as I can I am going to run away and move to Chicago."

"Run away to Chicago. Well yeah, that's an idea. A stupid one, but an idea." Max says.

"Are you calling me stupid?" Julie pouts

"Well you can't tell me you actually think that's a smart idea can you?" Max asks
"What will you do for money? Where will you live?"

"I'll get a job" Julie says

"Doing what? With no education and no skills." Max says

"Well what do you do?" Julie asks

Max opens his mouth to say he tends bar and works on the docks, but takes the high road and lies. "I own my own garage. I went to school to learn how to fix cars, then worked in a garage until I had enough money to open my own."

"Blah blah blah" Julie flaps her hand and Max resists the urge to slap her silly.

Suddenly Julie freezes. Max looks at her for a second and waves his hand in front of her face, nothing.

"Not going well?" George Carlin suddenly appears

"Yeah, you could say that." Max says

"Max! uhhh Matt" Nick comes out of the house "You gotta see this...oh I guess you have."

"Yeah, I have." Max says "Are the other two frozen?"

"Like statues. What gives?" Nick asks

"Ask our cruise director here," Max gestures to George "I'm as in the dark as you."

"I kind of thought you might have some problems, especially with these brain surgeons." Carlin said

"So what do we do?" Max asks "This one wants to run away to Chicago."

"And the two inside are convinced all they have to do to become movie stars is move to Hollywood and sit in some place called Schwabs, until they get noticed." Nick says "I tried to tell them the only person who'd notice them would be some guy with $20 and 15 minutes to kill. They didn't get it."

"I'm not surprised." Carlin explains "The sixties were a different time. Young girls didn't have all the options they do now. And parents just dealt with their kids by not dealing with them at all. The old, ignore it and it will go away approach."

"Sounds like what Julie was describing." Max says "So what will we do?"

"I brought these" Carlin hands each of the guys, what appears to be a small silver flashlight. "I assume both of you have seen Men in Black.."

Before he can finish, our heroes have flashed each other.

Carlin grabs their hands before they can do it again. "Yeah I figured that would happen, be careful with those."

"Whoa where did these come from!" Nick holds his up again, but Carlin manages to pull it away from him before he can push the button.

"Just flash each of the girls, and tell them to forget you were here." Carlin explains "With Julie, tell her she is happy with her life and she loves her parents."

"And that will work?" Nick asks

"It's a last resort, but it's all we have." Carlin says "I've been listening to Max try to talk to Julie and he's getting nowhere fast."

"She's pretty stubborn." Max says "And I thought Chelsea was bad."

"Well now get back inside Nick, and as soon as I unfreeze them, flash them. You do the same Max." Carlin explains

"Okay. Then we can hopefully get back home?" Max asks

"I am sure of it." Carlin promises.

"Hey, before you go George," Nick says "Can I keep this thing? You know in case I need it back in our time?"

"No." Carlin answers quickly "Trust me, once you get home you'll find out you won't need it."

Carlin disappears and the guys get back into position, and the girls unfreeze.

Max quickly flashes Julie. "You are happy with your life, your parents understand you, you want to finish high school, go to college and be a successful whatever. Oh and The Stones are way cooler than the Beatles."

Max had barely finished when he glanced over and saw the Mustang sitting at the curb.

He got Julie back into the house without her seeing and went back into the rec room where Carol and Diane were all over Nick.
Max quickly flashed all three again and looked at Nick, who shrugged and grinned.

They told the girls to forget the guys were ever there, and slipped out before they came to.

"Do you think things will have changed a lot back in our time?" Nick asks

"Let's hope." Max answers and they take off.

They program the GPS with the return code and drive out of town. As soon as Salem comes back into view, the guys know they are home, but something is different.

They decide to go to the Cheatin Heart first and when they pull up, they are shocked to see a thriving, crowded bar, instead of the seedy hole in the wall it had been.

As they walk up to the door a large bouncer smiles and lets them in "Mr. Brady, Mr. Fallion, your usual table is ready."

Nick and Max exchange looks and go inside. Chelsea and Stephanie dash up to them, and the change in them both is evident.

"You two are late!" Stephanie says "Max you know we can't stay out late tonight, we have to leave for Talladega in the morning."

"Talladega?" Nick asks "Oh, um, yeah, because we are....driving...in...it?"

"Duh silly!" Stephanie laughs "You act like you haven't been talking about this non-stop for months."

"And you!" Chelsea pokes Nick "You have that big presentation to the hospital board of directors. Now that you have your grant, they are going to want to hear all about your breakthrough last week."

"My breakthrough?" Nick asks

"What is with you two?" Chelsea says "Yes Nick, the alternate fuel you've had your lab working on night and day for the last year! I swear if I worked for you, I'd have quit long ago. But those lab techs you have are so devoted it's scary."

"MY lab, yeah, well, we do need our sleep for that presentation I guess." Nick looks over at Max and shrugs.

Max just smiles and shrugs back as if to say "hey, go with it."

"My mom and dad want us to come over for dinner next week" Chelsea says "And I have to go to Belle's baby shower, I really hope Phillip gets the boy he wants this time, I mean after 2 girls it's about time. Oh and I have finals coming up. And an interview with the head of emergency medicine. I really hope I get to do my internship there."

"Speaking of parents," Max says "How are yours Steph?"

"Why don't you ask them," She answers, "There's Dad tending bar, and mom will be here as soon as she finishes her shift at the hospital."

Max looks over and is shocked to see Steve, WITHOUT his trademark patch, smiling and pouring drinks.

Everyone around them seemed happier somehow. Like they had no worries.

Over in the corner Max notices someone waving, he nudges Nick and nods in that direction. The guys raise their drinks and give a silent toast to George Carlin who does the same, then blinks away.

For the little town of Salem, having no "hope" is a good thing.

Max and Nick's Heinous Escapade Part II

2008-03-28T05:38:00.000-07:00

"If you guys are ready, I'd like to ask one favor before I send you off." Carlin says

"Okay what?" Max asks

Carlin thinks for a minute, whispers something in each of their ears, then stands back.

The guys look at each other, shrug their shoulder and Max steps forward.

"Excellent!" Max says with a big grin

"Bogus" Nick follows slightly scowling

"Yeah, it's not the same. Okay, outside you will find a car, get in and drive out of town just until you can't see it in the rear view. Then program this code into the GPS and drive back into town."

"Do we have to hit 88 miles per hour?" Nick asks

"Huh? No, wrong movie.." Carlin says "When you've set things right, the car will re-appear and you do the same thing to get back home."

"So the car will know when we've done everything we are supposed to do? Kind of like Quantum Leap?" Max asks

"Yeah sort of. What is it with you two and all these TV and Movie references?" Carlin asks

"I don't know, it kind of feels like a movie, but I can't remember which one." Max answers.

"Yeah, whatever. Here are the keys now get going." Carlin hands them car keys and a piece of paper.

The guys turn around and suddenly they are standing in the Java Cafe mens room again.

"But what if..." Max starts to ask Carlin a question but he's gone. The guys walk out of the cafe and there outside is a mint 1977 Trans-Am. Black with the gold firebird painted on the hood.

"SWEET! The Bandit car!" Max exclaims. Runs over and jumps in.

"This is SO COOL! I wonder if we get to keep it when this is all over."

"Max, hold on a minute, are you sure we should be doing this?" Nick asks "After all we are going to be making someone disappear. Changing so many lives."

"Yeah but for the better!" Max says "Come on, it's Hope. Think about it, no great loss dude." Max says

"I guess you're right." Nick sighs "But we need to make sure we are very careful not to change anyone else's lives."

"Yeah, yeah, careful, I got it. Come on, I can't wait to drive this thing." Max says

Nick gets in the car, and the guys take off down the road. They drive a few miles outside of town until Salem completely disappears over the horizon. Max turns the car around and Nick pulls out the paper. He turns on the GPS and is greeted with a cheery computer voice, asking for "the code". Nick enter it and pauses a moment before pushing enter.

"Ready?" Nick turns to see that Max has put on a cowboy hat and is chewing on a toothpick.

"10-4 good buddy! The Bandit is East bound and down." Max grins

"Okay now cut that out!" Nick scolds "We have to be serious here."

Max takes off the hat and grumbles a bit "Yeah I'm ready"

Nick pushes enter on the GPS and Max starts to drive. The sky seems to turn a peculiar shade of green right after they take off, then back to normal. Salem appears on the horizon and it doesn't take long before the guys notice it has changed. Many of the houses are gone and the road has narrowed. As they pass a totally different "Welcome To Salem" sign a loud POP sounds and the guys find themselves now sitting in a mint 1964 1/2 Mustang convertible.

"Man I am LOVING this job!" Max practically squeals with delight.

"Check it out! Our clothes have changed." Nick says

The guys are dressed in typical 1965 guy fashions. Nick is even wearing Buddy Holly glasses.

"Oh come on! They had contacts in 1965, this sucks." Nick says

"Hey it's not forever, now what was the name of that store we were supposed to find Julie in?" Max says looking around.

"Bartlett's," Nick answers "There it is, pull over."

Max and Nick park in front of the store and go in. At first they can't take their eyes off all the things they've only seen in old pictures until now. The clothes, the gadgets, the people. Each new discovery send them into states of wide eyed wonder. Suddenly Nick stops and looks at Max with a shocked expression.

"Holy American Graffiti, Max I just realized, we have no idea what Julie looks like at this age. How are we doing to figure out who she is?" Nick says

"Oh," Max says "Damn I didn't think of that. Well we know she gets arrested for stealing ....what was it again?"

"A fur?" Nick says "I guess they wear them in 1965. So where would we find furs?"

"Fourth floor, right next to Women's better shoes." A stuffy sales woman says to them.

"Better shoes?" Max asks "Better than what?"

"Thank you!" Nick says and grabs Max by the arm dragging him towards the elevator.

"Stop clowning, we're supposed to fit in, in this time." Nick hisses under his breath

"Yeah but what the hell are 'better' shoes?" Max asks again

"I look like I should know? Just keep walking." Nick answers

The elevator ride complete with an elevator operator calling out what is on each floor brings a new string of giggled jokes from Max. Each one brings stern looks from Nick and admonishments to quit.

They reach the 4th floor and walk out into a sea of racks filled with 60's fashions.
After a few confusing moments the guys locate the fur department. It doesn't take long before a group of teen age girls arrive and start browsing.
Nick and Max follow them, just close enough to hear their conversation.

"I am going to show you how easy it is, then after that you'll see, we can have whatever we want and not pay for it." One girl says

"Wow Julie, you are so brave." raves another

"It's not about being brave Carol," Julie says "It's about being cool. And if you want to be cool you have to have the latest. You now the absolute newest coolest stuff."

"I don't know Julie. Aren't you afraid of getting caught?" asks the third girl

"Diane, if you think you're going to get caught, you will. You just have to think positive." Julie answer.

Max whispers to Nick "That's Julie, that's Carol, and that's Diane."

"DUH!" Nick gives Max a look.

"Well come on, we have to stop her, she's getting ready to do it." Max says

"What do we do?" Nick asks

"Let me think," Max says "Okay I got it, follow my lead."

"Max wait! What are you going to do?" Nick tries to stop him, but he's too late.

Max puts on his best lady killer smile and walks up to the girls.

"Hey, groovy chicks. You're all hep in far out ways." Max leers

"Ummm, sure, okay" The girls look at him like he's an alien and slowly back away.

Nick comes up and drags him back by the arm. "That's the BEST you could come up with?"

"It was the only 60's thing I could think of to say." Max explains

"A line from the Brady Bunch movie? And that was the 70's" Nick says

"Oh like you were coming up with a better plan." Max replies

"Well it didn't work for Greg Brady and it's not working for you." Nick says "Besides I don't see you trying at all."

"Okay okay, give me a minute." Nick says "I have something, now just don't SAY anything this time. Just wait until I ask you a question."

Nick straightens his glasses and casually wanders over to where the girls are standing looking at fur pieces in a display case.

"Hey, I think I know you guys." Nick begins "Didn't our team play yours in the big game last year? And aren't you three cheerleaders?"

"What big game would that have been?" Diane asks

Nick, gets a deer in the headlight look and takes a shot "Uhhh football?"

Diane rolls her eyes and turns her back to Nick and goes back to looking in the display case.

"That was it?" Max says "THAT was your big opening line? Tell me Nick have you EVER asked a girl out? A REAL girl?"

"Well YOU didn't do any better. Mr. 'hey there groovy chicks' who says that? Who EVER said that?"

The guys are arguing so much they don't even notice Diane had walked up to them.

"Um, hi there." Diane looks at Max "My friend says to tell you she thinks you're kind of cute and you look like Paul and you," Diane turns to Nick "look kind of like Ringo but with glasses." Behind her Julie and Carol are giggling

"Well, I don't know who Paul is, but hi, I'm Ma..." Nick kicks him before he can finish his name "Matthew. Matthew Perry. And this is my friend Chandler Bing."

Nick scowls at Max "Uh hi"

Diane frowns "You don't know who Paul is? Paul, you know, Paul McCartney."

"OH the Beatles guy! Yeah, okay, he's okay I guess." Max says

Diane gets the "what planet are you from" look on her face again and walks back to Carol and Julie.

"Thanks dude, Chandler Bing? What were you thinking?" Nick says

"Well you kicked me for trying to tell her my real name, and it was the only thing I could come up with." Max says

"And what was with the 'he's okay' thing about Paul McCartney, don't you know anything about pop culture history? The Beatles were HUGE in 1965!" Nick says

"What do I know about the Beatles? John Lennon died before I was born, before either of us was born. George Harrison died a few years back, and Paul McCartney married some gold digger with one leg." Max says "It's not like you're some kind of expert."

"Okay I admit it. Other than hearing their songs on the oldies station, I don't know much about them." Nick says "She said I look like Ringo? All I know about him is he was Mr. Conductor on Shining Time Station. You remember Thomas The Tank engine? I used to watch it when I was a kid."

"I LOVED that show!" Max says "My favorite was Diesel, oh and the helicopter, what was his name?"

"Harold!" Nick grins "I liked him too. And the mayor guy Sir Topemhat? I laughed every time they said his name."

"Me too!" Max agrees

"Damn! Look, Julie's moving in on that fur piece on the display! Quick go stop her." Nick exclaims

Max darts over to Julie and says the first thing he can think of to say "Paul McCartney huh? So do you have many of his....I mean their.....uhh many Beatles CDs... uhh records?"

Julie hesitates then says "Yeah, I have all of them, why? You don't even know who Paul is."

"Oh I was just kidding!" Max says "I love the Beatles."

"You do?" Julie is still a little suspicious "Well we're going to go over to Carols and listen to records. I guess you two can come if you want."

"Great! Let's go now." Max grabs Julie's arm and steers her away from the stole.

"Umm okay" Julie allows Max to pull her from the display case "I'll go tell Carol and Diane and we'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes. We have something to do first."

"Hey whatever it is, can't it wait? I'd love to hear some Beatles right now." Max insists

"Uhh okay, I guess it can wait till tomorrow." Julie says

"Groovy! Hey Chandler come on we're going to go with these guys and listen to some records." Max calls Nick over.

As the five head for the elevator Nick pulls Max to the side. "I don't know how you did it but I'm glad you did. Now hopefully the car will be sitting outside when we get downstairs and we can go home." Nick says

"Me too." Max agrees "I'll be glad to get back home."

"I still can't believe you made me be Chandler dude. Why not Joey?" Nick asks

"Hey, even I'M not that cool." Max grins

*And before you start begging, yes there will be a part III tomorrow.*

Max and Nick's Heinous Escapade

2008-03-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

Max sits at the Java Cafe' and downs his third decaf triple venti nonfat 3 splenda extra hot stirred no foam caramel macchiato with whip cream and extra caramel, (the girls behind the counter have started calling it a "mini-Max" because with all that sugary stuff what's the point of the splenda and non fat?).

Nick comes in looking tired. "You could have ordered me one" He says to Max "You insisted I come here at this un-Godly hour, when you knew I've been up all night working on my proposal. You could at least have a coffee waiting for me."

"Geez, if I'd wanted to listen to someone whine I'd have called Stephanine" Max rolls his eyes and gets up to get Nick a coffee. "What do you want?"

"Coffee." Nick looks confused by the question

"Yeah I know coffee but what kind?" Max asks

"Umm the hot kind? Made with water and coffee beans? What are you talking about?" Nick answers

"But what do you want IN it?" Max asks

"Two sugars? I have no idea what you are asking. Forget it, I'll get it myself." Nick stands up and goes to the counter. He comes back with a small cup and proceeds to put two sugar packets into it.

Max watches in horror. "What IS that?

"Coffee?" Nick offers Max a taste. He takes one and gags

"That tastes like battery acid! Where's the foam? And the caramel, the mocha, the whipped cream? And does that have caffeine in it? I feel a little buzzy!" Max freaks out.

Nick stares at him like he's examining some sort of new species. Max gets over his hissy fit and takes a few sips of his own "drink" to get the taste out of his mouth.

"Are you finished? Nick asks "Can we get to the reason I'm here?"

"I don't know myself." Max says "I got this strange note in the mail yesterday saying both of us were supposed to be here at 7AM. It said the fate of everyone in Salem depended on it."

"What does that mean?" Nick asks

"I think I can answer that, gentlemen" George Carlin suddenly appears next to their table.

Max and Nick look confused, nothing out of the ordinary.

"I see you're confused" George says "Shall we retire to my office and I'll explain?"
Carlin gestures towards the men's room door.

Max and Nick exchange looks but follow him into the room.

As soon as they step inside the room changes. It becomes a huge white space with no doors or windows.

"Whoa, where are we?" Max asks

"We are nowhere." George explains "Which is where the world will be if you two don't accept this mission. There are forces at work in Salem, that if are allowed to continue, will eventually destroy the world and everyone in it."

"How do we do that?" Max asks

"With this" Carlin tosses them a large unbound manuscript. Across the front it written Days Of Our Lives Episode 1.

"I don't understand. How will this help?" Nick says

"It's simple" George explains "You two are going to go back to where it all began. Salem, November 8th 1965. You two have to stop Julie from stealing a fur in Bartlett's Department store. Her arrest sends her down a path that eventually will lead to all the insanity that goes on in Salem right now."

"My cousin Julie is the reason Salem is . . . well what it is?" Nick asks

"Well not Julie personally," George explains "But . . . well I really can't say much more without running the risk of telling you too much and possibly messing up the present."

"Well, too bad!" Max says "We aren't going anywhere until we know what's really going on here? How does one little incident in Julie's life change everything?"

Carlin sighs and waves his hand. A chair appears and he sits down. He thinks for a few minutes, then waves his hand and two more chairs materialize. "Sit down guys. Now remember what I tell you has to stay a secret. If it got out I told you this, well I don't want to think about what the consequences would be."

Max and Nick take their seats and look at Carlin. He sits a few minutes longer and then starts to speak.

"Julie, isn't a bad girl. But she's a typical SALEM girl. She wants attention and doesn't care how she gets it."

"Kind of like Chelsea" Nick whispers to Max

"EXACTLY like Chelsea!" George says "In fact you'll notice a great deal of similarities between the young Julie and your Chelsea. Both are misunderstood, and just want someone to love them. They just seem to go about it all wrong.
That's why it has to be you two. You both dated Chelsea, so you'll understand Julie."

Max and Nick let this soak in for a few minutes.

"Okay, now when Julie gets arrested, she gets taken away from her parents, Ben and Addie and sent to live with her grandparents Tom and Alice.
Because of this Ben gives up on her and takes a job in Paris that leads to Addie going with him, but she resents him for making her leave her home and family. All the stress of that job eventually kills him, and later Addie marries Doug. And if that happens it will give life to the most evil force known to man. The thing that has toppled governments, destroyed entire civilizations, and made men miserable from the beginning of time."

"What's that?" Nick asks "War? Greed? The desire for power?"

"NO!" Carlin answers "More insidious than all those put together. . . Gossip. And you two are the only ones who can stop the worst source of that poison."

"Maggie Horton?" Max and Nick ask together

"Worse. Hope Brady." Carlin says. "Hope Brady has destroyed more lives with her inability to keep even the smallest bit of information to herself. If her birth is stopped, Bo will never have to choose between her and Billie. They will stay together and raise Chelsea. Chelsea will never kill Zach or Ford Decker. And best of all Shawn Brady will never be born.

Max looks at Nick "Wow, that means Chelsea would be normal. Like not crazy, needy, whiney, normal. And you guys might actually have a real relationship."

"And without Chelsea being a freak you might still be a race car driver and you'd be able to hang on to Stephanie so she wouldn't have run off and turned into a ...a...well you know." Nick says

"And without Shawn, Belle would just marry Phillip and he wouldn't be all bitter and trying to get revenge .....WE'LL DO IT!" Max says

"Excellent!" George smiles. "Okay boys, get ready to change your lives..."

*If I get enough requests I'll continue this story tomorrow. It's up to you guys.*

Laverne and Shirley: 2008

2008-03-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8
Schlemeele, Schlamazo
Hasenphep Incorporated....... You know the rest.

It's morning, and as usual Chelsea Feeney and Stephanie DeFazio are late for work.

"Steph! Come on! If you hadn't stayed out so late last night with that sailor you'd be able to wake up on time!" Chelsea complains

"Put a sock in it, Chels! Not all of us have the perfect boyfriend"Stephanie rips a strip of tape off her bangs and pulls on a shirt with a big S on the chest.

"Oh Nick's not that perfect." Chelsea sighs "I really wish that dreamy Dr. Daniel would ask me out."

"There you go again Chels. What is it with you and marrying a docotor?" Stephanie says

"You know I've always wanted to marry a doctor!" Chelsea says "Just because I have dreams, don't make fun of me."

"Well I live in the real world." Stephanie snaps

"You mean the real smut world" Chelsea replies

"Hey, at least I don't still sleep with a stuffed cat!" Stephanie says

"Don't you make fun of Boo Boo Kitty!" Chelsea whines "I've had him since I was a kid"

"Since when did you STOP being a kid?" Stephanie says

"Well, I'd rather be a kid than a floozy who dates any guy with a car and a decent pick up line." Chelsea says

"Hey!" Stephanie counters "Don't forget who you're talking to. You've dated your share of creeps and losers!"

On cue the door of the sorority house opens and Nick and Max walk in.

"Hello" Max calls

"Guys, we don't have time today" Chelsea tries to shoo them out the door, but they just dodge her and sit down on the couch.

"We came over to tell you some big news." Max says "Big news you guys will be VERY grateful to hear."

"What, you're moving to China?" Stephanie says

"No.." Nick says "We can't speak Japanese, and Max is allergic to Chop Suey, so why would we move there?"

"Okay, fine just tell us your news and get out!" Chelsea says

"In time in time." Max smiles "Now, what will you girls give us for bringing you this tasty bit of information?"

The guys look at the girls with leering grins while the girls roll their eyes.

"We'll give you 5 dollars." Chelsea says and holds out some money

"SOLD!" Max jumps at the bills "No changing your minds either, we made a deal."

"Just spill it!" Stephanie says

"Okay, but this is big, so prepare yourselves" Max drags out the conversation "We heard, down at the Cheating Heart.....America's Next Top Model is doing a casting call here in Salem today at 2 O'clock"

The girls squeal and jump up and down at this.

"See I told you we should have held out for $10" Nick says

"Okay guys now out! We have to get ready to go be models" Chelsea grabs the guys by the ears and drags them towards the door.

"OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!" They guys protest as they are dragged out.

"FINE" Max wrenches loose as they reach the doorway. "But remember who it was that let you know about this amazing opportunity when you're rich and famous models."

"Yeah yeah, NO GO!" Chelsea slams the door on the guys

"Are you crazy?" Stephanie says "You think WE can be models?"

"Why not? We're pretty, we have a great sense of style and we aren't too bright, what's to keep us from being models?" Chelsea says

"Oh I don't know, Tyra Banks and all the other judges maybe?" Stephanie says

"Oh pish posh! We'll wow them. You'll see, now lets get some killer outfits together and hurry." Chelsea dashes around the room looking for clothes

"Chels! Come on!" Stephanie stops her "Does your balloon ever land? First you talk me into coming to college. Then you drag me into this sorority. We don't fit in with all these high fashion types."

"Well aren't you just a negative Nancy!" Chelsea chides "I for one want something better than this lousy little town. I want to break out and be someone!"

"You ARE someone!" Stephanie says "You're Chelsea Feeney. You'll end up quitting college, going to work in some office, marry Nick and have kids. That's your future. And I'll be right behind you."

Chelsea sits on the couch and pouts.

"Aw come on Chels, don't be like that." Stephanie sits next to her "I didn't mean to bring you down. I just want you to be realistic."

"But you had a dream once." Chelsea says "You were a race car driver, you had an exciting life. You went for it."

"Yeah and look where it got me." Stephanie says "I wrecked my car, lost my sponsors and ended up right back where I started here in Salem with my loser parents who obviously think they can do better than me, because they're having another kid."

"Well look at me!" Chelsea says "I killed my brother, and Ford. I've been a drunk, a druggie. I lied, schemed and disappointed my family time after time, but I still have faith."

Stephanie just sits looking a little dejected. Chelsea sits next to her for a few seconds then smiles and puts her arm around her and starts to sing....

"I come home, in the morning light..." Chelsea looks for a reaction "My mother says, 'When you gonna live your life right...." She looks again for a reaction.
"Oh mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones....and girls..."

"They wanna have fu-un" Stephanie sings quietly

"Oh girls just wanna have fun?" Chelsea gets exicted "The phone rings, in the middle of the night..."

"My father yells, what you gonna do with your life?" Stephanie starts to get into it.

"Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one, And girls just wanna have fu-un, OH girls just wanna have fuuuun!!" Both girls jump off the couch and sing with joy.

"I knew you'd see it my way!" Chelsea says "Come on Steph, lets go to that audition!"

"Okay, but I get to wear the Dolce and Gabbana boots!" Stephanie says

"NO WAY, I was going to wear those" Chelsea protests

"They don't even fit you!" Stephanie argues as they run upstairs together.

Skool Is Good

2008-03-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

The Board of Regents of Salem University holds it's quarterly meeting to discuss the usual progress and issues.

This time however, an air of uncertainty is evident in the room.

University President Kelly calls the meeting to order. Before he can get started Crawford Decker bursts into the room.

"I demand to be heard!" He shouts "You people have ignored my requests for meetings with all of you and now I will have my chance to speak."

All in attendance are shocked, and look to President Kelly to see what his reaction will be.

President Kelly sighs "Come in Crawford, I've been expecting this. Ladies and gentlemen Mr. Decker makes a valid point. We have avoided this issue for far too long and now it seems we have no choice but to address it."

Whispers and murmurs fill the room as Decker strides to the front of the table and takes a seat.

"Mr. Crawford is here to discuss the ongoing problem we have with the girls of Alpha Chi Theta." President Kelly begins

"He means I-Fleta-Thigh" someone in the crowd whispers. Giggles and snickers ensue.

"Yes, I am aware of the less than stellar reputation this organization has managed to acquire " Kelly continues, shooting a stern look at several members, with grins on their faces "But making jokes and giggling like kindergarteners is not helping the situation."

"Mr. President, I have tried for months to make you take notice of the fact that NONE of these girls have attended a single one of my lectures," the head of the math department interjects

"Nor any of mine!" says the head of English

"Mine either"
"I've only seen one or two of them"
"Same here!"

President Kelly has to bang his gavel to get everyone to quiet down. "Yes, as I said, I am well aware the girls don't seem to put much importance in actually attending classes. Our problem is, what we are going to do about it."

"I think this sorority should be disbanded and all in attendance tossed out of the University." Crawford Decker speaks up. "Those girls are dangerous. The murdered my son!"

"Yes Crawford" President Kelly sighs "We have all heard about your son." Most at the table roll their eyes and nod in agreement.

"Well if you all know what's going on and about these girls, why is that sorority still open? Why are these girls still in school?" Decker asks

A few board members look away, some pretend to take notes. There are a few coughs and throat clearings.

"No one here will stand with me and put and end to this travesty?" Decker tries again to get someone to listen, but to no avail.

"Crawford, there are things . . . forces at work here that . . . well sometimes you just have to make concessions . . . after all we are an institution that relies on donations from . . ."

"ARE YOU TELLING ME SOMEONE IS PAYING YOU OFF?" Decker explodes

"Now Crawford, please, calm down. Pay off is such a tacky word don't you think?" Kelly says

"Well what would YOU call it?" Decker will not be calmed "You're letting students stay here and get degrees when they don't deserve them? They can just buy a diploma?"

"You're misunderstanding the situation Crawford." Kelly tries again "We know it looks bad, but these girls aren't exactly going to end up being brain surgeons or rocket scientists."

"That's for sure" someone says. Giggles ensue again.

"This is unbelievable!" Crawford continues to freak "How much are these girls' families paying you, to make it worth your abandoning all your principles."

"Pardon my saying this" the math dept head speaks up "But to be frank, our department can't afford to have principles"

"Neither can the English department" Another board member speaks up

Decker looks around the room in disbelief as members from all the University's departments, one by one, agree.

"All of you?" He says "My GOD, doesn't anyone believe in justice?"

"Yes, we do" Kelly says "But we also know that sometimes you have to consider the needs of the many, over the desires of the few."

The door opens and two security guards enter.

"Mr. Crawford is leaving, please see that he gets to his car safely" Kelly instructs the guards.

"You haven't heard the end of this!" Crawford threatens as he's escorted out of the board room.

Once he's gone the mood in the room lightens.

"Okay, our quarterly checks are here." Kelly announces to the group. "Oh looks like Morgan Hollingsworth will be making the Dean's list again . . "

Each department head nods as the checks are handed out.

"Oh and look, Chelsea Brady is getting that A in Physics. Looks like her grandfather cares about her education. . ." Kelly opens another envelope "And the Marketing department head will be glad to know Miss Brady's grandfather is VERY interested in her getting a degree in business."

The dept head takes the check "YESSSS, now we can afford to send my son to Harvard."

A few board members look at him "What? I should send him here?"

The meeting officially ends on that note as everyone laughs heartily.

Code Name: Girls Next Door

2008-03-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

*In honor of Easter and bunnies everywhere.*
In the night sky over the legendary Playboy Mansion, there appears.....The Bunny Signal!

"Holly! Kendra! Hurry! It's the bunny signal!" Bridget runs through the mansion
"That means somewhere in the world, a blonde needs our help!"

"I'll get the costumes!" Kendra says

"And I'll get the jet!" says Bridget

"And I'll tell Hef we're leaving!" Holly says

Moving at top speed, which for the girls means about as fast as an ice burg in the north Atlantic, the Girls Next Door, spring into action.

Holly pops her head into Hef's office, "Daddy! Daddy Puffin!" She croons in her baby talk/Marylin Monroe voice "The bunny signal has been activated and we need to leave for a while"

Hef looks up from his paperwork and smiles "Yes, yes, by all means, if a blonde needs our help you girls have to go!"

Holly kisses Hef on the head and goes to meet up with the other two. Once aboard the Playboy Jet "The Big Bunny" the girls gather around the laptop to hear about their assignment.

"It says here, we were summoned by Marlena Evans-Craig-Brady-Black-North-Black-Dimera" Holly says

"Wow all those people?" Kendra asks

"No honey," Bridget explains "It's one woman, just lots of last names. She's been married a few times I guess."

"Oh," Kendra says "So what's going on with them..um...her?"

"Well, from what it says here, her blonde daughter is about to leave on an around the world trip with her husband and daughter." Holly reads

"What's wrong with that?" Kendra asks

"Well according to this, they are going to leave on a sail boat, and the husband is a real dummy who sank the 3 boats they were on, and shipwrecked them, one, two, three times." Holly says "Marlena is afraid her daughter's dumb blonde luck won't hold out this time and needs our help to stop her daughter."

"Eww shipwrecked." Bridget says "I don't know why anyone would want to be shipwrecked."

"I don't think anyone WANTS to be shipwrecked," Holly says "It just kind of happens. Anyway, we will be landing in Salem in about an hour so everyone be ready."

"Right! Do these shorts make my butt look good?" Kendra asks, doing her famous booty bounce

"Yes sweetie they do." Holly answers

"Good, then I'm ready!" Kendra announces

The Big Bunny lands at the Salem International Airport, 15 minutes later. The
GND jump into their waiting stretch limo and arrive at Marlena's penthouse.

Marlena answers the door "Oh thank GOD you got here so quickly!"

"Yes ma'am, we hurried." Bridget says "What's the situation like?"

"Well, it was under control until my...late..um...current...husband...Belle's father...gave them a boat." Marlena struggles to contain her panic "Up until then they were just saying they were going to leave, but now they actually can!"

"Hold on" Kendra says "You mean they planned to sail around the world and they didn't even have a boat? Did they have money to buy the boat?"

"No!" Marlena says "Neither one of them are working. They just decided it would be a great adventure."

"Wow," Kendra says "Even I'm not that dumb."

"Okay, let's get to work girls!" Holly says "Where is Belle?"

"Right in here" Marlena leads the GND into the living room where Belle is sitting listening to Claire read her a book.

"Ohh Claire, that's so exciting" Belle says "Now that Dora has the map do you think she will find the baby bunny in time?"

"Yeah, mom, you've heard this story before, you know she does." Claire rolls her eyes

"Belle?" Bridget sits next to her "We are The Girls Next Door, and we're here because your mom is worried about you sailing around the world."

"We're going on a long trip!" Belle chirps "Just me and Shawn and Claire. We're going to get a real pretty boat and sail all over the world and see all kinds of places we've never seen before. Just like Shawn and his mom and dad did when he was little!"

Claire looks up at Holly and mouths the words "HELP ME!"

"Well that sounds nice!" Kendra sits down on the other side of Belle "But don't you think maybe it's not too smart? I mean since Shawn hasn't had a lot of luck with boats lately."

"Hey! I'm smart!" Belle protests "I'm almost a nurse."

"Yes you are sweetie" Bridget says "But you have to understand it's a big trip you planning and your mom just doesn't think you have thought this through."

"I let Shawn do all the thinking for us." Belle smiles "He's real smart. He's gonna be a cop like his dad."

"Yes, we understand that." Holly says "But sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to. You can't always get what you want."

Belle's face screws up at this. Her eyes fill with tears and she starts to shake.

"RUN FOR IT!" Claire screams "COVER YOUR EARS, SHE'S GOING TO BLOW!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU CAN'T TELL ME I CAN'T HAVE WHAT I WANT! MOOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYY TELL THEM I ALWAYS GET MY WAY, I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT!!!" Belle launches into a shrieking screaming fit.

Shawn comes running into the room. He grabs Belle, sits her down and gives her a huge cookie. She hesitates then takes a bite. Her crying slows down and she looks at Shawn.

"Another cookie?" Shawn pats her on the head and hands her another.

He gives the GNB a look and nods his head towards the other room. When they all have gathered Shawn demands to know what happened.

"Marlena!" Shawn says "You know how Belle is. We never, ever tell her she can't have something!"

"I know" Marlena hangs her head "But I was just worried something would happen to you guys if you try to sail around the world."

"Well I have it under control! I've been sailing since I was.." Shawn stops mid sentence and looks confused. He counts on his fingers and does some figures in the air while he mumbles to himself. "Let's see I was 5 and now I'm .... so minus 4 and carry the 7...."

"Yes Shawn, you've been sailing a long time." Marlena tries to prompt him.

"Yeah," Shawn says "And I know what I'm doing so BUTT OUT!" Shawn storms out of the room.

Marlena waits until he is out of ear shot and looks at the GNB. "Do you see why I am worried? This mullet head wants to take my daughter and my grand-daughter out into the open ocean on a boat! God knows what will happen to them!"

"We agree" Holly says "There is no way they should be out on the ocean."

"But what can we do?" Bridget asks

"Yeah, they seem pretty set on going" Kendra agrees

"I have a plan" Claire walks into the room. The four adults stare at her.

"Claire? What are you talking about? How are you talking?" Marlena looks shocked.

"No time to explain right now grandma" Claire says "I have had my contacts working on this since Dumb and Dumber announced this Magical Mystery Tour idea. When Pop-pop said he'd buy them the boat, it was because we already had our plan in motion."

"Who IS this little girl?" Holly askes

"She's my grand daughter, I think." Marlena's eyes are huge staring at Claire

"Look, there's no time to explain all the details, but do you guys remember the movie The Truman Show?"

"The one with Jim Carrey where he was in a fake world and he didn't know?" Bridget asks

"Ohh I love Jim Carrey!" Kendra says "He's going out with one of our friends Jenny McCarthy! She used to be a Playmate!"

"Yeah" Claire says "Well anyway, my organization has an area built and almost ready, that mimics down to the last detail, the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. When Belle and Shawn leave the Salem harbor, their boat will release a gas making them fall into a deep sleep. Then my people will transport them to this area and place them on a duplicate boat. When they wake up, they will think they are on the ocean."

"Oh I get it," Holly says "They will think they are sailing out on the open sea, but really they will be safe in a big, kind of movie set."

"Correct." Claire says "We can watch them, and when they think they are close to a port or city they want to visit, we put them to sleep again and transport them to that city. We have duplicate boats ready to be placed in any harbor around the world. They will visit the city, go back to their boat, and before they can really sail away, will be once again transported back to the safe haven."

"Oh my God! Claire!" Marlena is speechless (for once) "I don't know how you are able to do this, but I am so glad you are."

"The less you know the better, grandma" Claire says "But for now you can rest assured, my idiot parents will not be in any danger."

"That is great!" Bridget says "Can we help?"

"Yes, you can." Claire says "That's why I let my grandma find out about the Bunny Signal. I knew she'd contact you and you would be able to help me with my plan. We need you three to keep Belle and Shawn busy while we finish outfitting the boat. Then you can help us transport them when we need to without attracting a lot of attention. The Playboy jet goes all over the world, no questions asked. No one wonders why the GND are in Madrid one day Athens the next, and two days later, off the coast of Sydney. Everyone will just figure Playboy is doing photo shoots in exotic locations."

"Right!" Bridget says "And the Playboy Jet can go places that would normally set off an alert with Homeland Security were it any other private jet. No one pays it any mind! Except reporters and the media, and we can handle those guys by just making sure a few Playmates wearing skimpy outfits get off the plane first to divert them."

"Exactly!" Claire says "Now you three go and inform your pilot we will be taking off in 24 hours. Grandma you go apologize to Dumb and Dumber and make them think you are all okay with this. I will call Pop-pop and tell him I have you on board with our plan."

"We're on it!" The GND leave to make arrangements

Claire goes to her laptop and checks her emails for updates.

Marlena turns to go into the living room to talk to Shelle. Before she leaves she turns to Claire and whispers "Thank you."
Then goes in to the new calm Belle who is listening while Shawn finishes reading her Dora The Explorer Finds The Baby Bunny.

The Men of DOOL!

2008-03-20T04:30:00.003-07:00

Building on my comment yesterday on Prevuze, I proudly present,
THE MEN OF DAYS!

Hotter than Dr. Daniel, OH YEAH!

Let's get started shall we:

From my own hometown, Chillicothe IL, Josh Tayloer aka Roman Brady makes us all think older guys are pretty hot.

This might be an older picture, but oh my, isn't Drake Hogestyn or John Black good to look at?

Yo ho ho, I'll take me a bottle of Steven Nichols aka Patch!

Wasting away in prison, don't worry Bryan Dattilo aka Lucas Roberts; We'll wait for you!!

Again an older picture, but like a fine wine Peter Reckell aka Bo Brady just gets better with age!

Brains and HOTness do go together when it comes to Blake Barris aka Nick Fallon

But then again, who needs brains when you're as hot as Brandon Beemer aka Shawn Brady?

The English accent may just drive me over the edge. Quite possibly the HOTTEST man on DOOL or any other soap, James Scott aka EJ Wells, takes home that title!!

And speaking of accents, admit it ladies, at one time or another you have thought about what it would be like to have a Thaao Penghlis aka Andre/Tony Dimera sandwich!!!

I'll take commands from this ex Marine, any day!! Jay Kenneth Johnson aka Phillip Kiriakis knows how to lead!

Last but OMG not even close to the LEAST, MMMMMMM says it all when you are talking about Darin Brooks aka Max Brady!

Boys Night Out

2008-03-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

Roman and John sit in the Cheatin' Heart tossing back a few.

"To Bo!" John raises his beer

They clink and drink.

"To Bo's pancreas" Roman toasts

Another drink

"To Chelsea!...And her pancreas!" John laughs

They both drink and laugh heartily.

"Oh man, I really needed this." John says "Just a night out away from Blondie and her 'get in touch with your feelings'. I swear that woman is the most annoying.."

"Hey hey," Roman interrupts "That's my ex wife you're talking about"

"And??" John asks

"And don't forget whiney, pushy, and won't shut the hell up!" Roman laughs

Another round of good ol boy guffaws ensues.

"Man I gotta tell ya" John says "This dying and coming back all changed with a new personality is pretty sweet. I get to be all kinds of sarcastic and snide and no one hassles me about it."

"Yeah, it's a pretty good deal" Roman agrees "I know I liked it every time I did it."

"So which time was your favorite?" John asks "Because I gotta tell ya, this one ranks right up there with the time I came back as you."

"Hmm," Roman thinks about it "Well the time I came back as that Kositchek guy was pretty cool, but this time has it's moments."

John looks at his watch "What time was Steve supposed to get here?"

"As soon as he is done taking Hope home" Roman answers "You know, Bo asking him to take care of her and all."

"So..." John says with his little sideways grin "You think he's taking CARE of her?"

"Hope?" Roman says "No way, he's all about Kay"

"Tell the truth," John says "You ever think about...you know 'having Hope'?

"OH GOD NO!" Roman blanches "I'm not into the bony, drag queen look! I like my women a little more padded, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, me too." John says "Like Anna. Man I tell ya, Tony is one lucky bastard. And he doesn't even know it."

"Yeah there are days I wish I hadn't messed that up" Roman sighs "But there are only so many personalities you can take before things get really messed up."

"I'm with you there!" John agrees "Blondie is hot but man oh man she just flips moods so fast, there are times I think I should just open the door and toss in a Hershey bar and wait a few minutes before I come in."

Man laughs and fist shakes all around.

"Hey, what's this I hear about Belle and Shawn wanting to sail off into the sunset?" Roman asks

"Oh Lord, don't get me started" John groans "I don't know what those two idiots are thinking. Or what they are thinking with! Shawn is a nice kid, but he is as dumb as a box of rocks."

"Dumb as a box of rocks, you must be talking about Shawn!" Phillip joins the party with a fresh pitcher of beer

"Hey Lt. Dan!" Roman jokes "Yeah we were talking about Forest, Forest Brady"

"Watch it now," Phillip says "Don't be insulting my best bud...that's my job!"

Another round of fist shakes, man laughs, and shoulder punches.

"So men, what are we drinking to?" Phillip raises his glass

"To Sir Mix A Lot! For saying what we all wish we could!" John says

The three drink and launch into a chorus of Baby Got Back

"So how goes it with Chloe?" Roman asks Phillip

"You mean the Diva Star?" Phillip says "I never noticed how much she looks like one of those damn dolls, big head and all."

John does a beer spit take on that one "HEY MAN! Don't say stuff like that when I'm drinking! You're making me waste beer!!"

"Oh dude I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you abuse alcohol!" Phillip laughs

"To BEER!" All three grab their mugs and chug race.

"How do you start a pirate joke?" A voice behind them asks

"A PIRATE WALKS IN TO A BARRRRRRRRR" Everyone greets Steve with back slaps and fist shakes

"How's the newest member of the baby-daddy club doing?" Roman asks

"Hey, I'm doing fine" Steve says "And I'm happy to report our man Bo is awake and wanting to go home already."

Cheers and toasts to Bo ensue.

"Okay now I have been trying to get this straight, and I think I have it down" John says "Roman, you are my cousin, and Kayla is my cousin. Steve would be my cousin-in-law, and Bo is sort of my cousin. And Phillip, you are Bo's brother but not related to me, unless you count the time Roman and your mom were married, which makes you my...what step-cousin??"

"Stop stop" Phillip says "You're killing my buzz!"

"You could drive yourself insane trying to figure out how everyone in this town is related" Steve says "Let's just say most of the family trees around here, don't branch out much."

"All I know is with all this Colleen - Santo stuff, we're more messed up than we ever were." Roman says

"You can say that again," Phillip agrees "It took me forever to convince Shawn that Belle wasn't his sister or cousin or aunt or whatever. And I'm still not sure he believes me. In a way it really was like talking to Forest Gump."

"Well, Belle would have to gain about 50 IQ points to be Jenny" Steve laughs

"Hey pal!" John does his best insulted voice "That's my daughter you're talking about! Or so Blondie says anyway. And I say she's need at least 60 IQ points!"

"Since you keep calling Marlena, Blondie, does that make you Dagwood?" Roman asks

"Well I DO have the hair for it!" John laughs

"And he has a thing for sandwiches" Steve agrees

Another round of laughter and male bonding.

"BAR WENCH!" Steve yells "Another round for me and my posse!"

The waitress nods and heads to the bar. As the bar tender pulls out another pitcher, Journey's Any Way You Want It comes on the juke box. This prompts the Hole-In-The-Head gang to launch into another sing-a-long, complete with air guitar solos all around.

"Do you think we should mention to them they're drinking non-alcoholic beer?" the waitress asks.

"Nah" the bartender smiles "It's more fun this way. Besides I promised their wives and girlfriends I wouldn't tell."

My Name Is Chelsea

2008-03-18T05:38:00.001-07:00

"You know the kind of girl who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why her life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realized I had to change. So I made a list of everything bad I'd ever done, and one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Chelsea."

Chelsea comes down the stairs at Bo and Hope's house. Shawn and Claire are sitting on the couch watching Sponge Bob.

"No Daddy!" Claire says "Sponge Bob is a SPONGE. That's why he dries out whenever he goes into Sandy's dome"

Shawn looks confused. "So Sandy can't breathe under water, but she lives under water."

Claire rolls her eyes and tries to explain, then she sees Chelsea.

"Aunt Chelsea!" Claire says "Are you all better from helping Grandpa?"

"Yes baby I am," Chelsea picks up Claire and hugs her. Shawn sits on the sofa laughing at the TV.

Chelsea notices the mail on the table and picks it up. There is an invitation in the pile. As she reads it, Chelsea is shocked.

"Shawn! When did Max and Stephanie decide to get married?" Chelsea asks

"Huh? Oh a week ago I guess." Shawn goes back to his cartoon

"Hmm, that give me an idea." Chelsea says to herself. She pulls out her list and reads it over. There it is, #57 - Did anything and everything to break up Max and Stephanie. Chelsea knew if she made their wedding really special, it would make up for how badly she treated Stephanie and how hard she tried to make sure Max didn't go out with her.

Chelsea flashes back to writing "WHORE" on Stephanie's locker. Trying to make Max jealous by pretending to be a big skank ho with a bunch of other guys. Making up all kinds of disasters so Max would notice her. Yep this would be her next project.

Then Chelsea notices the invitation is addressed to Shawn and Belle. She looks through the pile to see if there is one for her.

"Shawn didn't an invitation come for me?" Chelsea asks.

"I don't think so." Shawn says "That one says Shawn and Belle and one guest as long as it isn't Chelsea"

Chelsea is disappointed. But not surprised. Then she notices the date. "May 22nd? That's my birthday!!! Why are they getting married on MY birthday!!"

"Huh?" Shawn was engrossed in Sponge Bob again "I don't know, because that's the only day Sami doesn't already have the church reserved for?"

"But that means everyone is going to be at the wedding and I won't have anyone to celebrate my birthday with! That's not fair!" Chelsea says

"Aunt Chelsea," Claire says "Karma"

Chelsea realizes Claire is right. She's turning this into something about her again. Just like she always did. But not this time.

"I'll be back later" Chelsea calls to Shawn as she hurries out the door.

Shawn sort of waves and says "Yeah, okay....Claire, hurry they're going to do the 'Weenie Hut Jr.' song!!! I love that one!!!"

Chelsea is glad the Cheating Heart is fairly empty when she gets there. She goes to the bar and sits down. Max looks a little surprised to see her.

"Max," Chelsea begins "Look I understand you not wanting me to come to your wedding, but I promise I am a changed person. I just want you and Stephanie to be happy. And I want to help you guys plan the wedding so it will be really special"

"I don't know Chelsea" Max sighs "You know Stephanie likes you, but you just seem to be so two faced lately."

"I know and I feel real bad about that!" Chelsea whines "I have changed though, and I really want to come to your wedding."

"But what about your birthday?" Max smirks "You're going to sit there and tell me that didn't sting just a little?"

"Well yes, at first" Chelsea said "But I realize you guys didn't do it to be vindictive, so it's no big deal."

Max has to turn around to stifle a huge grin, "Yeah we weren't trying to ruin your day, *snicker*, why would we do that? *snort, chuckle*"

Chelsea doesn't notice the sarcasm, "So where is Steph today?"

"Oh she's over at the bridal shop picking out a dress." Max says

"Great, I'm going over there to talk to her and offer to help." Chelsea rushes out the door as Max watches and laughs to himself.

Chelsea gets to the bridal shop just as Stephanie is walking in. "Steph!" She calls "Look I just want to apologize for all the bad stuff I've done to you. And if you let me help with your wedding, then I can cross you and Max off my list. So what can I do to help?"

Stephanie is a little skeptical, but starts to think about what her wedding would be if she lets her only other "friend" Morgan help her....."Okay Chels, you help me out and we will call it even."

Chelsea and Stephanie go into the shop together. As Stephanie tries on dresses, Chelsea is on the phone non stop. A flurry of phone calls and dresses pass the next few hours.

"Okay, I called Sami and got the names of all her wedding people" Chelsea says triumphantly "And we are all set for the caterer, the photographer, and the flowers"

Stephanie is smiling but looking a little sad.

"What's wrong?" Chelsea asks

"I love this dress," Stephanie says "But it's $5000! And with my mom on maternity leave and my dad . . . well being my dad, I can't afford this one!"

"Nonsense!" Chelsea says. She goes up to the sales lady and whispers something to her. The lady looks shocked, then quickly jots something down on a piece of paper. She hands it to Chelsea, who looks it over, and writes something herself. She hands it back to the lady who looks like someone just shot her. Chelsea taps the paper and gives the lady a stern look. The lady nods and sighs deeply.

"What was that all about?" Stephanie asks

"I made sure you got the Sami Brady discount." Chelsea smiles "That dress is now $500."

"OH MY GOD!" Stephanie is shocked "Thank you Chelsea!"

"Think nothing of it," Chelsea says "The caterer has agreed to give you a huge break on the food, prime rib of course. And my Grandpa Kiriakis says we can use the ballroom at the Penthouse Grill for the reception, free of charge.
The flowers will be thrown in as his gift."

"Chelsea, you are amazing!" Stephanie says "How can I ever thank you?"

"You already did," Chelsea says "It's worth it to me to be able to cross you off my list."

"Well then you have my permission to do just that!" Stephanie says. "Hey Chelsea, do you think I could see your list? I think it is so cool that you are going to make up for all the bad stuff you've done."

"Sure Steph" Chelsea hands her the list "I have some crossed off already, but I still have a long way to go. And I am going to do each and every one of them."

Stephanie reads over the list, smiling at a few things here and there. Then her expression changes. She frowns a little and looks at Chelsea.

"Did you say you are determined to do EVERYTHING on this list?" Stephanie asks

"I pretty much have to." Chelsea answers "If I don't I won't be paying Karma back."

"So you have every intention of doing #174?" Stephanie asks

"Well, yeah, if it's on the list." Chelsea says

"And the way you do that is to do something you didn't do, or give something back you took, or apologize in some way right?" Stephanie grits her teeth as she talks

"Umm, yes, Steph what's wrong?" Chelsea says hesitantly

Stephanie suddenly spins around and slaps Chelsea across the face. She throws the list and storms off. "Get away from me Chelsea! You haven't changed and you never will!!"

Chelsea is shocked. She picks up her list and reads it. Then she sees #174 and her heart skips a beat.

#174 - Teased Max for over a year, by promising to sleep with him and never did.

Chloe's Real Audition

2008-03-17T05:14:00.000-07:00

Chloe stands outside the Salem University Amphitheater and wonders just how many people there are standing there waiting to audition.

A thousand? Maybe two? She sighs and checks her sheet music one more time to make sure she hasn't changed her mind about which song she wants to use.

A couple hours later, Chloe sits in a large room full of chairs. She's made it past the first round of auditions and now must wait her turn to audition for the big judges.

As she sits quietly listening to her ipod, someone sits down next to her. She turns to see it is, Ryan Seacrest.

"Hi there," He smiles "I'm Ryan Seacrest, and the producers tell me you are quite a talent."

"Um, thank you." Chloe says "I hope the other judges like me."

"Well I am sure they will. So much in fact, we'd like to talk to you, film a little background on you and let our viewers get to know you." Ryan says

"All right," Chloe says "What do you want to know?"

"Everything" Ryan answers "Now are you from Salem?"

"Well not originally," Chloe says "I have had a pretty hard life, actually."

Several hours later, Ryan is back in his dressing room with an ice pack on his head. A knock on the door brings no response from him. The door opens and an assistant quietly says "Ryan?"

"Yeah, Bobby, I'm here, come on in." Ryan says

"I hope I'm not bothering you, but the director told me to bring you the shooting schedule for tomorrow and let you know we got the extra footage on that Chloe girl." Bobby says

"Oh God," Ryan groans "Don't even say that girl's name to me! Do you have any idea how messed up her story is?"

"Yeah I think I have some idea." Bobby says as he pulls out a disc and puts it into Ryan's laptop "I thought I'd show you some of the rough footage we shot today."

Ryan pulls the ice bag off his head and watches the screen. A few stock shots of Salem. Chloe pointing out this and that, normal stuff.

"Wait, stop right there." Ryan says

Belle comes up on the screen, and starts talking about Chloe.

"Well, at first she and my brother fought all the time, but later we all knew they were destined to be together. At least until she came back this time, and claimed she doesn't know where my brother is, or how he disappeared." Belle whines "I know she knows something, but she's not telling us the whole truth."

"Oh wonderful" Ryan sighs "Another drama queen."

"I don't think drama queen even begins to describe this chick." Bobby says "From what I was able to dig up, she has been causing trouble, lying, manipulating and scamming on people pretty much since the day she was born. She held off marrying her current husband for pretty close to a year because she had a 3 inch scar on her cheek."

"How exactly would a 3 inch scar keep her from marrying someone?" Ryan asks

"According to what we were able to find out, she was convinced it made her some kind of horrible deformed monster." Bobby answers

"A three inch scar?" Ryan says "Oh GOD, anything else? Or do I even want to know?"

"Oh just lots of people saying they don't trust her, they never know when she's lying or telling the truth, stuff like that." Bobby fast forwards through most of the footage.

"Oh wonderful" Ryan goes back to the ice bag "Do you know that idiot told me her ENTIRE life story? I swear if I have to hear the names Brady and Phillip one more time I am going to slice my throat."

"Well we can edit the footage and just show her doing the tour guide thing I guess." Bobby says

"Well unless you want to feature her on the next 18 shows, yeah that would be a good idea." Ryan says "But don't toss the footage, it will come in handy for the blooper section of the DVD."

"So you don't think she'll make it?" Bobby asks

Ryan smiles and lays back on the couch with his ice bag, "Oh trust me for once we are going to be thanking GOD for Simon Cowell."

Chloe stands outside the doors to the "big" audition. Ryan is chatting with her trying, (unsuccessfully) to keep her from whining.

"So, Chloe, are you nervous at all?" Ryan asks

"Well I have auditioned for Julliard and the Metropolitan Opera, so no not really" Chloe brags

"Well then our little show should just be glad you graced us with your presence then huh?" Ryan quips

Chloe looks a little confused then offended, but before she can respond, Ryan opens the door and tells her to go in.

Chloe walks into the room with her usual "I am so much better than you" attitude. Randy, Paula, and Simon of course aren't impressed.

"So Chloe, it says here you are an opera singer." Randy reads

"Well yes, but I can sing just about anything" Chloe says

"And why do you think you are the next American Idol?" Simon asks

"Well look at me!" Chloe brags "I am the total package, I can sing, I can dance, and of course I am beautiful."

"And not at all vain or self centered." Simon mumbles

"Excuse me?" Chloe is insulted

"What will you be singing today?" Randy interjects quickly

"I'll be singing an aria, of course. From Carmen." Chloe says, then launches into her performance.

As we all know, yes Chloe can sing, but today, well lets just say there's a problem. Without music behind her she starts out flat. And it just gets worse the longer she sings.

Randy starts to giggle. Paula slaps him. Simon is already sliding down in his chair hiding behind a bunch of papers trying to control his laughter. Paula slaps him. Randy has tears in his eyes and struggles to maintain control. Simon has given up trying and bursts into full fledged laughing out loud.

Chloe stops mid note and stares.

"What's wrong?" Chloe is confused

"Oh darling, where do I begin?" Simon tries to breathe "That was horrendous darling. Absolutely terrible."

"WHAT?" Chloe is shocked

"Really it was pretty pitchy" Randy says "And you don't sound like you mean what you are singing."

"You were very nice" Paula says "But I kind of agree with Randy, your heart isn't in what you are singing."

Chloe explodes when she hears this. "HE GOT TO YOU DIDN'T HE? You have been talking to Brady! He told me that! I don't sing with my heart. What the hell does that mean anyway? You people are crazy!"

"Well right now my dear YOU are the one who is ranting and raving, not us." Simon points out.

"Oh you haven't seen ranting and raving!" Chloe threatens "This is mild compared to what I am capable of!"

"Well at least you admit you are insane." Simon smirks

Chloe screams and runs at Simon. She almost makes it to him but is caught by security just in time. They wrestle her to the ground and handcuff her.
Chloe puts up a fight, but it's no use. Security leads her away kicking and screaming.

"Well that was interesting." Randy says

"I wonder how she'll react when she sees it on TV in a few months?" Simon muses "She made a complete ass out of herself."

"Something tells me meltdowns like that are nothing new for her." Paula observes.

"Well then, on to the next victim" Simon picks up the audition list "Ciara Brady. Someone tell her we are ready for her."

Hey Mickey

2008-03-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

Mickey Horton: BEFORE and AFTER

Hey Mickey (a parody)

Oh Mickey, you're so old
You're so old you're growing mold, hey Mickey, hey Mickey.
Oh Mickey, you're so old
You're so old you're growing mold, hey Mickey, hey Mickey
Oh Mickey, you're so old
You're so old you're growing mold, hey Mickey, hey Mickey.....

Hey Mickey
You haven't been around for I don't know how long.
You think you'll just show up, like you were never gone.
Why can't you stay away, and just leave it alone Mickey?

Cause when you hook up with Mags we're gonna all get sick.
You're givin' us the chills, just the image is so ick!
Can't you get a grip and just leave Mags alone Mickey?

Oh Mickey what a pity, you don't understand.
We'll notice that you've changed into a younger man.
Oh Mickey, we aren't stupid, can't you understand?
It's just not you Mickey!
Ooh you're the new Mickey, new Mickey
The new improved Mickey.

Hey Mickey
Now when you show up on the screen, yeah we're gonna know
That you used to be on another TV show.
There's something you should know, we aren't that dumb, Mickey

Now if you and Maggie.......Ewww, please no geezer sex
Even Squint and Doc, made us wanna retch.
Just give us all a break, and just say NO, Mickey.

So come on admit it to us, we know that you will.
Doing scenes with Maggie, will just make us all feel ill.
Oh please just get real, she ain't Donna Mills, Mickey.

Oh Mickey, what a pity, you don't understand.
We'll notice that you've changed, into a younger man.
Oh Mickey, we aren't stupid, can't you understand
It's just not you Mickey!
Ooh you're the new Mickey, new Mickey
The new improved Mickey!

What's REALLY wrong with Bo

2008-03-14T05:13:00.001-07:00

Bo lays in his hospital bed, sweating and moaning. Hope sits by his side looking both sad and like she needs a good meal.

Down in the lab, Kayla and Lexi work tirelessly to find a cure for him. Formulas are discussed, results are poured over, microscopes are used. Daniel just stands back and looks amused by the whole process.

Two priests walk down the hall with a purpose. No one pays any attention to them as they quietly make their way through the hospital, speaking to no one, not looking around or making eye contact with the staff. They arrive at Bo's room and pause a moment before walking in.

Hope looks up as the priests enter. She is confused, as usual, but before she can ask why they are there, Bo opens his eyes and sees them.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" Bo screams

One of the priests opens his bible and starts to read, while the other sprinkles holy water around. A few drops hit Bo and he screams in agony.

"Bo what's going on?" Hope is freaked "Why are you acting like this?"

"Make them leave!" Bo hisses "Get them out of here!"

"Mrs Brady" one priest says "I am Father Merrin. Perhaps you've heard of me? I am an exorcist. And this is my assistant Brother Paul"

"Get out of here you son of a bull dog!" Bo screams

"BO!" Hope is shocked "why is an exorcist here? What's going on? Why are you talking like that?"

"Shut up! You lint licking cootie queen!" Bo shrieks "French toast and get out of here!"

Hope backs away from Bo and stares. The priests go back to their prayers and holy water tossing. Bo screams in anger and frustration as they do.

"AAAA STOP!" Bo writhes "It BURNS! Stop, Marshall Tucker that hurts! Get the Hobken New Jersey out of my room you forking cork sockers!"

Kayla and Lexi hear the commotion and rush to Bo's room. They burst in and are horrified to see Bo levitating above his bed, while the priests pray and chant.

"Oh my God! Kayla, Lexi! Bo is possessed!" Hope cries "It must have been what was wrong with him all along!"

"I was hoping you wouldn't figure that out." The three turn to see Daniel has entered the room. "Yes Hope, Bo is possessed. And you weren't supposed to know that until it was too late."

"You KNEW?" Kayla says "You knew we were wasting our time trying to figure out what was wrong with his pancreas?"

"Yeah, I figured pancreas symptoms would keep you busy for a while" Daniel says "And it would have worked if these two hadn't shown up."

Daniel takes a step towards the priests, but is driven back when the younger one holds up a cross and sprinkles holy water around Bo's bed. Daniel hisses and backs up towards the door. The priest sprinkles holy water around Bo's bed to keep Daniel from coming any closer. Meanwhile Father Merrin continues the exorcism.

"Nooo!" Bo screams "Let me out of here you pork swapping astronauts!"

"What is he saying?" Kayla is confused "Those aren't exactly curse words."

"Bo is being possessed by one of the most dangerous demons there is." Father Merrin explains "A demon that can only be found in Ireland, around Gallaway. It is commonly called, the BRADY demon."

"The Brady demon?" Lexi says "I don't understand, how could there be a Brady demon? The Bradys are good people"

"Ah yes, that's what Satan wants you to think." Father Merrin explains "Bradys appear to be good. But they are really the highest form of evil!. They kill you with kindness. They make you trust them by being beyond nice to you, then turn on you and kill you."

"That's crazy!" Kayla says "I'm a Brady and I'm not possessed."

Father Merrin turns and touches Kayla's forehead with his crucifix. Suddenly smoke starts to pour from her ears. As Lexi watches in horror Kayla bursts into flames and disappears.

"OH MY GOD!" Lexi says "I don't believe it!"

"Oh get real!" Daniel snarls from the far corner of the room "Don't act like you haven't known all these years. The Bradys never go to jail, they never die, they never get into any real trouble. Don't you ever wonder why that is?"

"Umm because they are in league with Satan?" Lexie takes a stab at it

"Ding ding ding, give the little lady her prize." Daniel says sarcastically "And since the Brady's are 'too good to be true' it would be unthinkable for them to really curse. That's the reason for all the euphemisms instead of dirty words."

"But Bo was raised a Brady." Hope says "He thought he WAS a Brady for years. Why is the demon just now possessing him?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe because lately everyone has been pointing out that Bo isn't really a Brady. And since OMB died helping Bo live, it could be the demon has decided Bo is Brady enough and has decided to possess him now." Father Merrin explains

"Hope!" OMB's voice suddenly comes out of Bo "Why don't you bring me grand children round the pub fer some chowda!"

Hope screams in horror. As Father Merrin says a quick Hail Mary and tosses more holy water at Bo.

"ARRRG! It burns!" Bo screams, then suddenly Colleen's voice comes from him "Kind Fadda, ye'll be needin ta stop doin that ta me. Oi'm a good Catholic goil! I go ta charch and follow yer teachins ta the letter."

"Back demon!" Father Merrin yells "Back to the depths of Purgatory with you!"

"I thought demons came from Hell." Hope says

"Well normally they are" Brother Paul says as he scurries around handing Father Merrin things "But the Brady demon isn't that evil. It wants to be evil. In fact it aspires one day to be evil. But it just can't seem to cross that line between evil and stupidly annoying."

"I get it now!" Lexi says "The reason my father has been trying to kill the Bradys all these years! He knew they were all possessed and being a devout Catholic, he saw it as his sacred mission! To rid the world of stupid annoying people!"

"Your Aunt Colleen is sewing Hitler's socks in HELL!" Bo screams "Stuff mud up your nose you stinky cheese doodle headed barnacle buster!"

"Wow, he's getting serious." Hope says "Are you sure this will work?"

"It just takes time" Father Merrin says as he sprinkles holy water around.

"Well heaven knows since the regular writers are back, we have tons of that!" Lexi mutters under her breath

"Okay since all you geniuses seem to have this all figured out, I'm going to go ahead and go home." Daniel says "Have a nice life, losers."

Before any of them can react, Daniel disappears in a pillar of fire and smoke. The second after he is gone, Bo goes completely ballistic.

"You'll never get rid of me! I will never leave! You marshmallow toasted chunks of particle board! Pickle all of you kumquats! Take your Fraggle Rock holy water and stow it with your hand washables in your grocer's freezer section!" Bo writhes and twists on the bed "You have no power over me! I am Princess Toadstool! I am Barbie's other friend Midge! No one can expel me! I will hey diddle diddle your wop bob a loo bop your little lamsey diveys all over Engleburt Humperdink!"

Suddenly Bo falls silent. The room turns instantly cold. As everyone in the room watches, a mist rises from Bo's limp body. It rises towards the ceiling then hovers for a few seconds. Then disappears.

Bo's eyes flutter then open.

"Fancy face?" Bo says

"I'm right here Bo!" Hope rushes to his side "Oh thank God you're okay!"

Father Merrin turns to Brother Paul and nods. They pack up their things and quietly walk out.

Lexi smiles as she watches Bo and Hope. As she turns to leave she sees movement out of the corner of her eye. She turns in time to see Daniel standing in the hallway smiling. She goes out to say something but he's gone before she gets out the door. On the wall next to where he was standing, there's a note.
Lexi takes it and reads:

Don't forget, Sami's children are Bradys!

About Max

2008-03-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Max Brady sits alone in the Brady pub. He's just finished closing and is almost done cleaning up.
This of course gives him time to pour himself a drink and think about his life.

Yeah, some life. He thinks. All the things I USED to be. I USED to be a world class race car driver. I USED to own a successful garage. I USED to be the designer of one of the most innovative engines in the world. One that was supposed to revolutionize racing and the entire auto industry.

And now.....I am a bartender.

Max toasts himself and finishes his drink as his phone rings.

"Yeah, you got me." He answers the phone.

"Max, it's Frankie. Just called to see how you are doing with that little errand I gave you." Frankie says

"Yeah, I've been working on it." Max says "I still don't quite understand why you have me messing with Nick's project though."

"I told you when we first talked," Frankie says "That's on a need-to-know basis. And you don't need to know."

"Well maybe YOU don't NEED the stuff I've been sending you." Max gets cranky. "I tore out the page and faxed it to you, just like you asked. The next thing I know you have me changing math equations that look like might as well be written in Klingon."

"I told you it doesn't matter why you're doing this. And you don't need to understand the stuff Nick is doing." Frankie says

"What makes you think I wouldn't understand?" Max asks "I am not stupid, you know."

A very long pause follows this statement.

"Yeah, well like I said, it's better that you don't know what's going on." Frankie says

"Well maybe it would be better if I just stopped messing with Nicks stuff altogether. He is my friend you know." Max says

"Well if he is your friend, then you'll understand he is in danger if he keeps going on this plan." Frankie says

"Why?" Max asks "I don't understand all of it, but I do know it's something to do with environmentally friendly fuel sources and stuff."

"It's more than that." Frankie says "If Nick's proposal is put into the wrong hands it will end America's dependence on foreign oil."

"OK, I know I'm not a rocket scientist like Nick, but I know enough to know that sounds like a good thing." Max says

"Not to the people I work for." Frankie says

"But you are a lawyer." Max is confused "Who could you be working for that this would mean anything to?"

"Look Max I can't tell you any more than I already have." Frankie answers "It is dangerous for you to know as much as you do."

"That's it" Max declares "I have to know now. Who are you working for?"

"Max, I just can't" Frankie insists

"Frankie, tell me now." Max says

A long pause happens. Max can hear Frankie moving around, and strains to figure out what he's doing. Finally Frankie comes back on the phone.

"OK, look, you did NOT, repeat NOT hear any of this from me." Frankie says "I could be made to, well not exist if it comes out I told you."

"I understand" Max says "No one will ever know you are the one who told me."

"I mean it, Max" Frankie says "These people can make you just not exist anymore. They can eliminate all traces of your life and even brainwash your family into forgetting they ever knew you."

"I understand Frankie" Max says "Just tell me!!"

"Nick's project, if it is put into action, would give the US no excuse to not be totally green. There would be no reason for fossil fuels, no more oil, no more petroleum products would be needed for anything." Frankie says

"Okay, I get it, but what's the big deal? Who's behind this?" Max insists.

"Max, think, hard. Oils, chemicals, petroleum products, dyes and colors, preservatives....what industry uses all of these?" Frankie says

"I don't know.....make up?" Max says

"Now, think of a NAME, a para-military organization who recruits, equips, and trains it's members to take over....." Frankie says

"What are you saying? The Mary Kay ladies are behind this? They're some secret organization that rules the world?" Max laughs

"If you knew what I know about them, you wouldn't be laughing" Frankie says

Max fall silent. He can't believe what he is hearing. Mary Kay ladies?

"Frankie, what are you saying? The little middle aged ladies who drive those pink cars and do make up parties are some kind of world super power?" Max asks

"That's exactly what I am saying." Frankie answers "They are more organized than our own military. They are in virtually every city and town in the country. They control wealth we can only imagine. They train their members from day one, to do nothing but recruit other members. And all of this will crumble if the petroleum industry falls. The chemicals and production process of make up and perfume relies heavily on it's being able to make it's products in a non-environmentally friendly way. In fact there is no "green" way to produce make up. If they are forced to, they will go out of business."

"Oh my God!" Max says "I never knew."

"And you were never supposed to know." Frankie says "But now that you do, you understand you have to stop Nick at all costs."

"But who cares if there's no make up." Max says

"Max, think about what you are saying. If there is no make up, what will women look like? Do you think their hair just does the stuff it does? That their faces just naturally look like that?" Frankie explains

"I guess I never thought about it." Max says

"Well you'd better!" Frankie says "Think about the way your girlfriends act when they are having a bad hair day. Or they are out of eye liner or their favorite shade of lipstick is discontinued."

"Oh my God!" Max realizes what Frankie is saying. "Oh God! Nick must be stopped!"

"Now you get it , little bro." Frankie says "So I can count on you?"

"Yeah, I will take care of it!" Max, hangs up the phone and thinks. He shivers visibly, then flips his phone open.

'Nick! Hey what are you up to? Working on your project? Hey why don't you bring it over here and I'll proof read it for you.. Yeah I'm off work and we can spread out over several tables here at the pub. Yeah it's no problem."

Lunch

2008-03-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Claire and Ciara sit at the Java Cafe having lunch and catching up on their lives.

"So anyway, they trot me in to see my dad, and he just looks at me like he has no clue who I am" Ciara says

"I would give anything if my idiot parents would forget I exist" Claire says "My mom especially"

"Yeah, I hear they are going to drag you out onto the high seas again" Ciara says

"Oh my God, don't remind me" Claire sighs "The only hope I have is that somehow they won't be able to buy another boat."

"Couldn't you just ask your grandpa John to help out?" Ciara asks

"Yeah, I was thinking about that," Claire says "That's another reason I wanted to talk to you."

"Uh oh," Ciara says "what are you cooking up now?"

"Why must I always be cooking something up?" Claire says

"Oh okay," Ciara challenges "go ahead and tell me you don't have some scheme cooked up and you aren't about to ask for my help with it."

"Ummm" Claire smiles "I don't not have a scheme and I don't not want you to help me with it?"

Both girls have a good laugh at this.

"Okay, I admit, I have an agenda." Claire says "But it's nothing we haven't done before, and nothing we won't do a thousand times again."

"Oh well if it's same old same old..." Ciara says "Then by all means tell me more"

"Well, since you twisted my arm" Claire says "You know I've had Rolf working on his cloning formula?"

"Is that what he's up to." Ciara says "I was down in the lab yesterday and he seemed awfully cranky."

"How could you tell?" Claire says

"Okay, more cranky than usual." Ciara says "So you say he's close to a break through on the cloning? He looked like he was working on something else. He had a folder with my dad's name on it."

"Yeah" my Pop-pop has him rushing another one of those fake death/come back with amnesia things, for your dad." Claire says

"Yeah, I'm supposed to help him with that in a few days." Ciara says "They didn't tell all the details, but I sort of figured it was like what your Pop-pop and Uncle Steve did."

"Well, you're going to be pulled off that case to help me." Claire says

"Help you? How?" Ciara asks

"Well we don't have time to do the whole cloning thing, like we originally planned," Claire explains "And my boneheaded parents seem hell bent on doing this freaking boat thing really soon."

"And...?" Ciara asks

"Well, that's where you come in." Claire says "When they go, you are going to take my place."

"ME?" Ciara is shocked "Now wait a minute, what makes you think I want to let your psycho circus parents drag me off on what's sure to be a low budget remake of the Titanic?"

"Oh I don't know" Claire says "Maybe because YOU are the ex Navy Seal, and YOU are the one who shadowed the boat during the typhoon off Tinda Lau and waited until I managed to jump overboard and get to you."

"Yeah so the way I figure it, YOU owe ME!" Ciara says "Not the other way around."

"Oh come on C! You are the only one we can trust to pull this off." Claire begs "I need you to help me out here."

"So say I do this" Ciara says "And I am NOT saying I will, what's in it for me?"

"We'll make sure your parents leave you alone." Claire says "We'll get them off your back and you won't have to worry about pretending anymore."

"You'll make SURE they forget I exist?" Ciara says "You'll give me my life back?"

"Done" Claire says "You'll be free."

"Wow" Ciara says "It would really be nice not to have to deal with them any more."

"So you see why you have to do this!" Claire says "If you take my place, you can get yourself lost at sea, and my parents will have to let me go too!"

"Are you sure your mom is going to let you go this time?" Ciara says "We thought we had you free last time. Even dressing you up like a boy didn't work"

"Yeah well, this time we will take extra steps to make sure that doesn't happen again." Claire says

"Okay, I'm in." Ciara says "Tell Rolf to get the lab ready."

"Great!" Claire says "And you'll love looking like me!"

"He can change me back right?" Ciara says

"I'm giving him a call now, can you be ready this afternoon?" Claire says

"CLAIRE!" Ciara is annoyed "He CAN change me back right?"

Claire is on the phone "Rolf? Yeah get the lab ready we are on our way."

"CLAIRE ANSWER ME!!" Ciara says as she follows Claire out the door. "You better be able to change me back!!! I'm not staying looking like you!! CLAIRE!!"

The Plan Returns

2008-03-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

Hope leaves Bo's bedside and leaves the room, trying to hide her tears.

Bo, lays motionless until he hears the door close. He opens one eye and makes sure she's gone. A suddenly healthy and vigorous Bo jumps out of his hospital bed.
He runs to the door and listens to see if anyone else is coming. Satisfied he is alone, he pulls a cell phone out from under his pillow and dials.

"Hey, it's me" Bo says "Yeah she finally left. I gotta tell you this is not working out the way you said it would."

"Have some patience buddy," John says "I have Rolf working on it right now."

"Well I don't have that much time!" Bo says "They are talking about cutting me up, and THAT wasn't part of our deal."

"Yeah like I wanted to lose a kidney, remember that little snag?" John asks

"Look, all I know is you said they would never be able to figure out these pancreas symptoms." Bo says "I have faked them right down the line exactly the way you told me to, and it's not working!"

"It's not my fault they called in Dr. Dan the expert" John says "I just figured your sister would be the control freak she usually is and would let you die rather than have someone prove her wrong."

"Well I might die now" Bo says "FOR REAL! That was not part of our plan!"

"I know I know, and like I said I am working on it." John is irritated

"Well work on it harder!" Bo says "You promised I could die like you did, then come back with the no emotions no memory thing and finally get rid of 'stick woman'. I mean come on, would it kill her to eat a carb every so often? It's like sleeping with Cruella DeVille."

"Yeah well you gotta remember, sometimes these broads don't give up" John says "Blondie is all over me trying to save me. Not that it's not fun to watch her get that confused look on her face; you know the one where she looks like she just farted and hopes no one will notice?"

John and Bo bust out laughing then Bo realizes he's being a little loud and goes to the door to check and make sure no one heard him.

"Okay, look, are you sure Rolf can come up with a way to get me out of this?" Bo asks "Out of this in ONE PIECE?"

"Relax, cuz." John answers "I have it under control, no worries. You'll be as good as dead long before they can get you into the chop shop."

"Oh thanks, that makes me feel so much better." Bo snipes

"You know what I mean." John says "Just don't have a change of heart later on and decide you want to make it work with 'Stick woman' dude."

"Now why would I do that!" Bo says "I've gone through all this to get away from her, what makes you think I'd want to go back?"

"Yeah well that's what 'Patchy the pirate' said when we arranged his death and memory loss" John says "He was all set. No memories, no worries. he was even going to be able to be rid of his wife. She'd given up and was going to let him go. But nooooooo, he had to start thinking with 'little steve' and go and mess it all up."

"Yeah I know." Bo says

"I know you know, but remember Steve had it all worked out." John says "Now he's not only right back where he was 20 years ago, complete with a knocked up wife!"

"All I know is, we had a deal, and I just want to get the hell out of here and forget I ever knew there was a Salem." Bo says

"Well just keep playing your part, and it will all work out." John says "I'll make sure you die before Dr. Dan has a chance to be the big hero with his transplant."

"You better be sure about this." Bo says "Do you have an operative in place to make sure I get out of here after I die."

"Yes, I have Ciara standing by at the hospital, in fact she came in to see you earlier, I would have thought you'd figured it out when you saw her." John explains

"Ciara? Do I know her?" Bo asks "Was she that hot redhead nurse who checked my IV this morning?"

"Ummm no...." John answers "....are you sure you aren't hitting some real drugs in there? Ciara...doesn't ring any bells?"

"Should it?" Bo asks "I don't think I know anyone by that name."

"Never mind" John says "just get back in bed and look sick"

"Okay, just hurry up and get this plan moving." Bo says

John hangs up his phone and pours himself a drink. He goes to the door of the lab and opens it.
"ROLF!" John yells "ROLF, GET UP HERE."

"Vat? vat? I am verking here!" Rolf scurries up the stairs.

"Well work faster, this should have been done days ago!" John says

"Ya, faster, I am verking as fast as I can" Rolf grumbles

"Well get it done!" John slams the lab door and walks away

Back down in the lab Rolf complains to no one. "Rolf get it done, Rolf why isn't it ready? It's like Stefano never left."

The Arrangements Have Been Made

2008-03-10T05:13:00.000-07:00

"Okay then! That completes our tour, did you have any questions?" the overly perky nurse smiles sappily at Steve and Kayla.

"See Sweetness," Steve gushes "Isn't this place wonderful?"

"I don't know Steve," Kayla says as she looks around. The folder in her hands, a disgustingly cheerful yellow with a smiling cartoon baby on the cover, feels heavy in her hands.

"Oh now you just calm yourself down now little mama." The Stepford nurse leads Kayla to an overstuffed chair, and has her sit. "Now just put your feet up, I'll fetch you a blanket and a cup of herbal tea and our director will be right in to finish our intake session."

"Really, I'm not tired I..." Kayla says

"Oh nonsense, now. We just walked a whole 100 feet during our tour. You must be exhausted!" The nurse talks as she tucks a fluffy blanket around Kayla's legs. "Now, I'll be right back with that tea."

As Kayla sits in the richly appointed reception area, she starts to notice the other pregnant women in the center. Each was followed closely by a babbling perky nurse, carrying blankets, pillows and a small basket filled with an array of snacks and drinks. All were similarly dressed in thick bathrobes, fluffy slippers and pajamas all in nauseating shades of pink and blue.

Above a huge fireplace there was an oil painting of a baby. The longer Kayla looked at it the more it un-nerved her. The baby was smiling but there was something almost demonic about it's eyes.
There was even something about the name of the place that didn't seem quite right. The Aremid - Onafets Center For High Risk Pregnancies. Kayla just couldn't put her finger on what it was about that name that just bothered her.

Steve was back by her side pushing a cup of tea into her hands.
"Steve really, I don't want any tea" Kayla protested.

"Oh come on Sweetness, just drink it, you'll feel so much better, I promise.'

"But I don't feel bad!" Kayla insisted "Really, Steve"

"It's okay Mr. Johnson." A voice came from behind Kayla's chair "I am sure your wife will want her tea later."

A tall woman with pale skin and jet black hair stepped in front of Kayla and Steve. She wore a Chanel suit in classic pink and black. Not a hair was out of place, and every piece of jewelry she wore seemed to have been deliberately chosen to accent her outfit.

"Too perfect..." Kayla whispered to herself as she stared at the woman

"I apologize for keeping you waiting, I am the director Olivia Aremid." The woman extended her perfectly manicured hand to Kayla.

A chill shot through Kayla as she touched the woman's hand to shake it. The hand was cool and smooth, and didn't feel alive.

"Please come into my office"

Steve and Kayla followed Olivia into her office. A massive desk dominated the room, curiously devoid of paperwork or any trace of evidence that any work was done there.

"Now to finalize your admission, Mrs. Johnson." Olivia smiled as she sat behind the desk. "We just need your husband to sign this one last form and we can take you to your room."

"Now? But I'm not due for months." Kayla said "There's no reason for me to be here now."

"Mrs. Johnson, you must understand.." Olivia began

"DOCTOR Johnson," Kayla interrupted "I am a doctor, I know how to take care of myself."

"With all due respect Dr. Johnson" Olivia says calmly "You are not an OB, so you can't possibly understand the complexities of a high risk pregnancy such as yours."

"And that's another thing, why am I considered high risk? I feel fine. All my tests have been fine. There's nothing wrong with me." Kayla says

"Now sweetness, you don't know everything there is to know about all this baby stuff" Steve hugged Kayla and rubbed her stomach as he talked "We just want to have a happy healthy baby now don't we."

Kayla pushes Steve away and stands up "STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU! I AM NOT SICK!"

"Dr. Johnson you need to calm down" Olivia spoke slowly "Let me ring for some tea for you."

"I DON'T WANT ANY DAMN TEA!" Kayla turns and starts for the door. "AND I AM NOT STAYING HERE!"

Before she can take more than a few steps, Kayla feels a sharp jab in her arm. She turns to see Olivia pushing the plunger on a needle in her arm. Suddenly the room starts to spin. Kayla struggles to stay standing, but her knees give way and she falls into Steve's waiting arms.
Steve picks her up and lays her on the sofa in Olivia's office.

Kayla watches, helpless as Steve goes back over to the desk and starts signing the paper.

"No, Steve, stop" Kayla tries to talk, but the words don't seem to make any sound. The room begins to spin faster now and Kayla can barely even think.
Something catches her eye and she notices a huge mirror on one side of the room. In the reflection she can see the fireplace and the oil painting of the baby, but also something else. Carved into the mantle of the fireplace is the name of the center, but in the mirror it is backwards.

Kayla stares at the name. Suddenly she see it. A scream forms in her mind, but she can't move to make it happen. The name. Why didn't she see it before, why didn't she realize......The Aremid - Onafets Center......The STEFANO DIMERA Center!!!!!

Steve is next to her again. "Okay sweetness, everything is set, they're going to take you to your room now. I'll be back tomorrow to see how you are doing."

"Steve, no no no, don't leave me, no" Kayla struggles to speak but no words will come out.

"Shhh now, don't try to talk, everything is okay." Steve says

Kayla realizes she has to make him hear her, make him understand. With her last ounce of strength she manages to get two words out....
"THE NAME!" She says

"Name?" Steve smiles "Oh sweetness, of course, we'll talk about a name for the baby tomorrow when I come visit."

The door to the office opens and a perky nurse comes in with a wheel chair. She already has the basket of snacks and a blanket over her arm. On the side of the basket Kayla sees her name on a small brass tag. The nurse helps Steve place Kayla in the chair and starts to tuck the blanket around her.

Suddenly Kayla's blood runs cold. The nurse. She knows her. It's Willow Stark!

"I am going to take such good care of you Kayla" Willow chirps "Now let's go see your new home...."

What Prevuze Doesn't Know

2008-03-07T05:56:00.000-08:00

A dark figure slinks through the woods outside the Prevuze compound.
Using infrared goggles the intruder can easily spot the laser beams that if tripped would sound an alarm, alerting the Prevuze security team that someone is attempting to breech the tightly guarded compound.

Like a jungle cat, the figure silently avoids the laser beams and locates the objective of his mission. The Prevuze cable.

Hidden deep in the woods the cable has been the subject of controversy and a government probe into day ahead sites, questioning whether or not they are a threat to national security.

The figure has reached the cable. Slowly a knife is drawn from a sheath, it catches the moonlight for a split second before slashing down towards the cable.

Suddenly out of nowhere another figure tackles the first one. The two tumble down the ravine and end up at the bottom in a pile. The knife is long gone and the pair of figures, both unarmed, separate to face each other. Before either can make a move the moon comes out from behind the clouds, causing the ravine to be flooded with light. Both figures stop cold, staring at one another, gasps of disbelief and recognition come from both.

"MAX! OH MY GOD! What are you doing here?"

"THEO CARVER! I might ask you the same question!"

A few tense seconds pass as the two size each other up. Finally Theo breaks the silence, "Max. We knew someone was plotting to sabotage the Prevuze cable, but we never thought it would be you."

"Well, there are many things you don't know about me Theo" Max says "Now step aside and let me do what I came here to do."

"No Max. People depend on Prevuze to start their day with a smile. To let them know what's going to happen on DOOL the next day. People even risk losing their jobs to read every day." Theo says "And I have sworn to protect this cable, this lifeline to the NBC feed, and by God I will not let you sever it."

"OH give me just a small break here." Max rolls his eyes "The writers haven't given you so much as a line in the past, what year? How can you be so loyal?"

"Never you mind, Max." Theo answers "My family has a story line going right now, okay so it's lame, but at least we are getting camera time, and I will not let you mess that up."

"NO, you don't understand. I used to be a race car driver. I designed and built an engine that was destined to revolutionize the sport of auto racing the world over" Max said "I was set to make millions, to be internationally famous. My whole future was set. Then in one summer, it was all gone!"

"Max, there's always another answer." Theo begs "Don't throw your life away, things can change.."

"DON'T PATRONIZE ME!" Max explodes "I have been reduced to tending bar and hanging around a bunch of sorority bimbos. I had a future! I had fame, money, beautiful women. And THEY TOOK IT AWAY! WELL NOW I AM TAKING EVERYTHING AWAY! IT'S MY TURN!"

Max lunges for the knife lying a few feet away in the leaves. Theo tackles him but not before Max manages to grab the knife. The two struggle but the years Max spent on the streets gives him the advantage and he throws Theo off him, back into a tree.
Theo hits his head on the trunk and is knocked out.

"Sorry I had to do that buddy," Max sneers "But it's time for Maxwell Brady to be on top again."

Max scrambles back up the hill and locates the cable. Stretched as it is by the tree growing out of the hillside, Max knows one quick slice and it will all be over.
Prevuze will be no more, and everyone will just think the cable finally snapped.
Max's knife slashes down towards the cable, but before it can sever the precious link a shot rings out.

Max feels the bullet bite into his arm and the knife falls from his hand. Shocked, he looks up to see who shot him.

"Ciera! I might have known you were in on this."

"Uncle Max, it's over." Ciera stands holding a gun on Max "You won't be cutting that cable or any other one today."

"But my life! I want my life back!" Max moans holding his arm "It's not fair, it's not right!"

"I'm sorry Max." Ciera explains "But we can't let you be famous. No one in Salem can be famous. It would call attention to us, and that just can't happen. Now get up and let's go. There's a plane waiting to take you to our deprogramming facility in Europe. A few days there and you will forget all about your life as a race car driver."

"No no!" Max begs "You can't do this, not again. I saw how Stephanie was when she came back. She didn't even remember how to drive! No please don't do this!"

Two goons appear from the shadows and grab Max. They escort him away into the hidden doorway that can now be seen in a large tree nearby.

Ciera watches Max being lead away and sighs. She takes out her cell phone and dials. "Crisis averted, subject is on the way for reprogramming."
Ciera hangs up her phone and watches the doorway in the tree close.
"Forgive me Max, but it's better this way, you'll see."

SOS!

2008-03-06T06:36:00.000-08:00

Claire dashes into her bedroom, dives for her cell phone, pulling it from underneath her pillow.
Eyes wild, she dials quickly. She's in full on panic mode now, and begs "Pick up pick up pick up pick up...."

"Claire," Shane sounds surprised "I didn't expect to hear from you this soon, is there something wrong darling?"

"Wrong? Oh NOOOO, there's nothing WRONG," Claire freaks "WRONG doesn't even begin to describe what's going on. Disaster, catastrophe, DEFCON 5...maybe but not WRONG!!!"

"Claire, honey, breathe" Shane tries to calm her "Tell me whats happening."

Claire pulls the phone away and takes several deep breaths. She shakes her head and sighs. "Okay, I'm back." She says

"That's better," Shane says "Now please love, tell me what's got you so panicked?"

"Okay," Claire begins "I was just coming back from the Dimera mansion. The tech guys found 3 more laptops and I had to download the hard drives to the ISA mainframe. We found 6 more Cayman Island accounts by the way.."

"Wonderful!" Shane says "Go on.."

"So," Claire continues "I cut through the park and I see my idiot parents standing over by this gazebo thing. Dad is doing the down on one knee proposal thing and I just got this feeling that I needed to hear what they were saying. Luckily I had my long range listening device on me, so I ducked down on the other side of the gazebo and listened in. I hear my Dingbat Barbie mom gushing about how much she loves my Frankenstein headed dad, and was about to stop listening before I tossed my cookies, when I heard Dingbat say something about sailing around the world as a family."

"Sailing around the world?" Shane asks "You mean like your grandparents did when your dad was little?"

"Yeah, exactly like that!" Claire answers "I had to back up the tape I was making and play it 3 or 4 times to make sure I heard it right. These two trailer park rejects want to pack me onto a boat and sail away to God knows where. These are the same two idiots who almost drowned me like 9 times last year, and now...what they want to finish the job?"

"Well, I can certainly see why you might panic hearing that." Shane says

"Ya think!?" Claire says "What do I do? I have months of work to do on the Dimera case, not to mention I am probably going to need therapy if I fall overboard one more time!"

"Let me think, let me think" Shane says. "How are they going to get a boat? They don't have any money, do they?"

"I don't know!" Claire says, "They'll probably just get Grandma Marlena to buy them one. She'll do it just to get rid of them."

"What about your grandpa being sick? Are they going to leave before they know what's going on with him?" Shane asks

"OH PULEEZ," Claire rolls her eyes "Those two are so self absorbed I'm shocked they even realize there are other people in the world."

"Well, in your dad's case, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?" Shane says "Have either one of your grandparents even noticed Ciera is gone?"

"I don't think they even remember she exists!" Claire says "Is she settled in there at headquarters yet?"

"Settled in and shaking the place up" Shane says "The network security software she designed has already found and stopped 17 security breeches in the London office, and identified 5 other potential threats."

"Well, that's my Auntie!" Claire laughs

"Yeah, you know how much she loves it when you call her that!" Shane says "So what will you do about your parents wanting to sail off into the sunset?"

"I don't know" Claire is annoyed "Give them a Viking funeral?"

"CLAIRE!!" Shane tries to sound shocked

"WHAT?" Claire says sarcastically "I should let them use me for shark bait again? Maybe I can just hide out and hope they leave without me."

"That's always an idea" Shane says "But you know how your mom obsesses about you."

"Don't remind me!" Claire says "I am surprised I learned to walk at all! My feet never touched the floor the first 2 years of my life."

"Yes, well it would seem you and Ciera have opposite problems wouldn't it?" Shane points out.

"I'm not sure which I would rather have happen, obsessed over or ignored." Claire sighs

"Well keep me posted on the adventure at sea problem," Shane says "Maybe you'll get lucky and the boat will sink before it leaves the harbor like the last time your dad tried to sail."

"We can hope!" Claire laughs and hangs up her phone. She sits in deep thought for a few minutes, then smiles as an idea comes to her. She dials her phone and waits.

"Dr Rolf!" Claire says "I hope you are finished moving your lab into my Pop-pop's house. I am going to need your cloning abilities ASAP."

The Pancreas Song

2008-03-05T06:36:00.001-08:00

Dedicated to Bo Brady, and his newest best-est friend, his pancreas.

John Checks In

2008-03-04T04:36:00.000-08:00

John Black closes the ledger book he has been working in, gets up and pours himself a glass of brandy.
Inhaling deeply he smiles as he looks around the richly appointed Dimera mansion.

John finishes his drink and picks up the phone. He dials a number and waits.

"ISA headquarters, please state your name and password." a voice answers

"John Black, and my password is squint."

"Thank you" The voice clicks off and Johns call is transferred.

"Shane Donovan" Shane answers

"Shane! It's John, just thought I'd check in and see how things are going in the spy biz."

"Same as always mate, how goes it in your new digs?" Shane asks

"Eh, the place could use a good decorator. Early Godfather isn't my style, but that can wait. Did Kimberly fill you on on the situation here?" John says

"Yes, she said everyone is accepting that you don't have your memory and you've changed into a zombie robot." Shane says "She really thought the no-squint thing you have going was a great touch, by the way."

"Yeah, thought that would go over big" John laughs "And how about the hair? You gotta love the freaky Beaker look."

"If you say so mate," Shane laughs "I still can't believe Stefano bought that Rolf could wipe out your memories and put them on a CD of all things! When I mentioned the idea to him I was kidding. I never thought Rolf could make the old man believe it."

"Well my brother isn't real tech savvy, is he?" John answers "he likes things old school. All evil laughter and huge elaborate plans that need 15 people, 2 years and a few million in cash to pull off."

"Stefano always did have a flair for the dramatic" Shane says "right down to playing all that God awful opera music as a background. Oh before I forget, Claire will be bringing you some new information on Stefano's holdings in South America."

"Good," John says "Those files in Spanish were really making me crazy. Did she find out what country the money is being laundered in?"

"She figured out that and the passwords to several new bank accounts we didn't know existed." Shane explains "That girl is amazing on the computer. All I can say is I am damn glad she works for us."

"Yeah that little grand-daughter of mine is something." John brags "You know she came up with that Pop-Pop code, to let me know she had new information without tipping off her dimwit mother. Not that it would be hard to put one over on that brainless twit. I still wonder if Marlena isn't lying to me about her being my kid."

"Yes, well I have the information Kimberly collected from you and I have put it together with the files Claire recovered from the computers in the mansion." Shane says "And you were right to be suspicious. The woman who came back to Salem claiming to be Chloe, is lying."

"I knew there was something different about her." John said "She's been whining, but no where near enough."

"We are pretty sure, the real Chloe is being held somewhere, most likely with Brady." Shane says "Our operatives are running down a few leads as we speak."

"And who do you think this fake Chloe is?" John asks

"Well that's where it gets interesting." Shane says "We are pretty sure the woman claiming to be Chloe is in reality, Ford Decker in disguise. We think Decker faked his death to frame Chelsea, and now he's trying to infiltrate the Kiriakis family by pretending to be Chloe."

"So what do we do about it?" John asks

"Right now, nothing." Shane answers "We have several operatives working on finding the real Chloe and Brady, and we can't do anything until we find them."

"Okay, so I'm sitting tight." John says "I'll get in touch later if I have any more questions."

John hangs the phone up and goes back over to his desk. He starts working on the ledger again, then suddenly realizes .... if Chloe is really Ford, and Phillip is dating Chloe......John shudders.

Marlena's TRUE Identity

2008-03-03T04:30:00.000-08:00

With Stefano safely in a coma I decided to use my time in The Kate Zone to do some research.
What I have found will both shock and disturb you. But once you let your outrage cool, you will realize the truth was there all along. You just had to let yourself see it.

What truth am I talking about? Marlena's true identity. Yes friends, we have been lied to over the years. The woman we knew as Marlena Evans has led a secret double life, right under our noses, and none of us noticed.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have concrete proof that, Marlena, is in reality, Barbie.

Let's go straight to the facts shall we?

1. No one is sure of their true ages. Although Barbie claims to have been "born" in 1959, which would make her 49, she was actually 16 in 1959 which would make her 65. Marlena just showed up in Salem one day, in the 70's, already in her 20's.

2. Both are blondes with a pony tail fetish.

3. Both have been married many many times, but curiously seem to keep re-marrying the same guy over and over. Even wearing eerily similar wedding dresses!

4. I will let the next two pictures speak for themselves:

Ken-------------------John Black

5. Although Marlena claims to have a career as a psychiatrist, no one ever sees her actually do it. The same with Barbie. Who knows WHAT she really does.

6. Along those same lines, although neither one of them would recognize an honest day's work if it slapped her up side the head; both Marlena and Barbie, live in posh apartments and townhouses, wear the latest fashions, jet around the world in a moment's notice, own and wear enough diamonds to keep Harry Winston in business for the next 50 years.

7. Although neither will admit to have never had any surgeries, both still manage to look "plastic" most of the time.

8. It is widely rumored that Stefano cloned Marlena and there are no less than 5 duplicates running around out there somewhere. As far as Barbie goes, walk down the doll aisle in Toys R Us....yeah you get the idea.

9. Both seem to surround themselves with only other blondes. Most with somewhat questionable intelligence and all are some kind of blood relation, again with no discernible source of income.

10. Both have made some questionable choices in hair and fashion over the years:

And then there were the times when they just flat out dressed alike:

So there you have it.
Evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the woman who claims to be Marlena Evans, is in reality, that ageless symbol of pop culture known as Barbie.

John's Big Secret

2008-02-13T05:15:00.000-08:00

Brady Black sits sipping a tropical drink on a secluded beach.
A waiter walks up to him with a note on a small silver tray. Brady reads it and sighs.

"Thank you Evan," Brady says to the waiter "I'll deal with this."

"Yes sir" Evan says "But the caller did say it was urgent"

"I know, Evan , I know all too well" Brady answers

Evan walks away and Brady stares into the ocean. After a few moments he picks up his cell phone from the table next to his chair and dials a number.

A voice answers.

"Get the plane ready, I need to take a trip" Brady hangs up the phone and finishes his drink.

Several hours later, Brady arrives at the Dimera mansion. He lets himself in with a key and goes to the lab. He goes directly to the file cabinet and takes out a small envelope. He reaches in and pulls out a disc labeled John Black, memories.

He pockets the disc and leaves. Not long afterwards he arrives at Marlena's penthouse. Before he can ring the bell, John opens the door.

"Hurry up, before someone sees you" John says

"Okay, I'm here, now what?" Brady says

"Did you get the disc?" John asks

"Yes, I did, but if you've been faking all this, why do you need it?" Brady says

"That's my secret" John gives Brady his new improved "anti-squint" which consists of that creepy smile he has now and a raised eyebrow.

John walks into the next room where Belle is tied up in a chair with those Star Trek Jordie glasses on.

John walks over to the wall and opens a panel revealing a video screen and a bunch of electronic boxes. He opens one and inserts his disk, then takes another disc and puts it into the box next to it.

"What's going on?" Brady asks "What are you going to do to Belle?"

John goes to a computer terminal and starts typing. "Your sister is the key to my master plan." he explains as he types "Marlena succeeded in turning my brother Stefano into a vegetable, just like I planned. She's so easy to manipulate, it's almost pathetic. Now that he's out of the way, I can finally take over the Dimera dynasty, just like our father always planned. Stefano always liked to call me 'the Pawn' when in reality HE was the one who was the pawn all these years.
Our father knew Stefano would seek revenge for his death. But what he didn't count on was my mother knowing every move he made and planning for it."

"So all these years, Grandma Colleen has been behind all those times Stefano's plans failed" Brady asks

"Yep" John says "And now it's time for me to take over."

"What does Belle have to do with all this?" Brady asks

"She will take all my memories. She will know everything I knew. And once she does she will be able to use my memories to find the real Marlena."

"The REAL Marlena?" Brady asks "What are you talking about? She's my step- mother, don't you think I'd know my own step-mother?"

"Nope" John finishes his typing "The woman you think is your step-mother is actually one of 5 clones, Stefano made years ago. They have been switching back and forth over the years. Haven't you ever wondered why your step-mother was an intelligent sane woman one minute, a raving shrew the next, and a freaky sex maniac the next? Well not that the sex maniac one wasn't fun..." John gets a little grin on his face "...but the point is, they were all different clones."

Brady struggles to keep from gagging at the mention of his mom being a sex freak, but manages to keep it under control. "So you know where my real step-mother is?"

"Nope, but it's buried somewhere in my memory" John adjusts the glasses on Belle "And once I download them all into your sister, she will remember and we can go rescue her."

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Brady asks

"Well, first we have to empty Belle of all the memories she has now. Then download all mine. We can't take the chance that her memories might mix with mine and change them somehow. Ok, this is ready."

John pushes the button on the box to start the video, and hits enter on the computer to start the program.

Belle sits in the chair giggling, "Ohh bunnies! I like bunnies. Aww, and kitties, so cute. I want to pet the kitty!!"

"What is she watching?" Brady asks

"I don't know" John looks concerned "Those aren't the images associated with this program."

John goes to the computer and checks it, suddenly an alarm sounds. The monitor screen goes red and the word FATAL ERROR comes up, flashing.

"What the Hell?" John works frantically to find out what the problem is.

"OH puppies!!" Belle gushes "puppies on fluffy white clouds, and look theres a unicorn!! And all the rainbows are so pretty!!"

"Whats wrong!! What's going on?" Brady starts to freak

"It's the program," John says "It's supposed to remove thoughts and memories from her brain, but it's saying there's nothing there. In fact it's a VACUUM!! A Void!! It's sucking out the computer's memory."

"What? I don't understand?" Brady says

"A vacuum!" John yells as sparks start to shoot out of the boxes "Like a black hole. So empty it's drawing in everything around it. An emptiness so vast nothing can ever fill it!!"

"You're saying Belle's brain is so empty...it's a black hole!?" Brady gasps

"Yes!" John frantically tries to shut down the system, as smoke starts to pour out of the computer "Her brain is pulling the entire contents of the computer's hard drive into itself and ....and .....destroying it. Making it not exist! Making it just GONE!"

John grabs Belle out of the chair ripping the glasses off her. "RUN! IT'S GOING TO BLOW!!" He yells.

Brady starts to leave, then remember the disc with John's memories, "DAD! What about your memories?"

"Leave them! I can make another copy off the hard drive of Stefano's computer! NOW RUN!"

They make it out of the penthouse just in time. The explosion rocks the entire building. Brady, John and Belle sit in the hallway, panting.

"That was fun Daddy!! Can we do it again?" Belle chirps

"No tink" John says, "Not today, not ever"

Dear Abby - The Return

2008-02-12T05:45:00.000-08:00

*To my readers, after a well deserved rest, in a secluded location, with lots of tequila, I have returned to once again answer your letters and solve your problems, if possible.

Dear Abby:
I have a real problem. I keep getting into relationships with my nieces. Before you
freak, I need to tell you, I was adopted so these girls aren't really my blood relations, so it's all good. But it's not.
At first I went out with my brother's daughter. Well he's not really my brother because my adopted mom had an affair with another guy so my adopted father isn't even my brother's father. Anyway, I went out with this girl for almost a year and finally dumped her because she turned into a real tease, if you know what I mean.
Then I went out with my sister's daughter, but we broke up because she was just too boring and clingy. A guy's gotta have standards you know.
After that I went out with my sister's husband's niece. But everyone in the family freaked out because I'm so much older than her. Which of course made it that much hotter, but in the end I dumped her because she wouldn't put out.
Now I think I want to get back with my sister's daughter because she went away for a while and when she came back she was like, well an entirely different person, for lack of a better explanation.
The problem is, this other girl I'm not related to, really likes me.
How do I get her to do a DNA test so I can switch the results and make her my niece?

Uncle Horny

Dear Uncle Horny;
There's a special place in Hell for guys like you. Bring sunblock. Lots of it.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
My husband is a cop. I used to be a cop and now I have decided to go back to being one. I love helping people. I love to find out all their deepest secrets and then discuss them with all my friends and then give them great advice on how they should do exactly what I say. Everyone thinks I am awesome.
My problem is, I have this nagging feeling I am forgetting something.
I keep finding baby toys and packages of diapers around the house and there is this room upstairs with a crib in it.
I have no idea why I would have all these things, but I just can't seem to bring myself to get rid of them.
What do you think?

Mrs. Top Cop

Dear Mrs.
In a few minutes you'll hear a knock on your door. Answer it and do exactly what the nice social workers tell you. You'll thank me for this.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
I divorced my husband and married the son of my enemy to end a family feud.
At my wedding my ex-husband shot my current husband. My ex is now going to prison and I am living with the son of my enemy and raising my twins. One of my twins is the daughter of my ex, the other is the son of my current.
Every day I find myself more and more attracted to this man. I don't know why.
I hate everything he stands for and my heart is breaking that my daughter will grow up not knowing her father.
I am also terrified that my son will somehow grow up to be evil like the rest of my husband's family.
This is tearing me apart and I just don't know who to turn to.
My question is, how do I use all this drama to help me get into this really exclusive pre-school I am applying the twins to next month? Do I play up the daddy in prison part or shoot for the "my current husband is an organized crime family king-pin" angle? Which will insure the kids won't be wait listed?

Hopeful Mom

Dear Hopeful Mom,
Too bad you didn't think ahead and shoot for the lesbian, bi-racial, blended family angle, but all is not lost. Bring your lawyer and threaten to sue if they don't recognize the twins' pre-natal post traumatic stress as a learning disability.
And if all else fails, hide a couple Hanna Montana tickets between the pages of the application. Be sure to act surprised when the find them.

Ireland - The Day After

2008-02-11T05:20:00.000-08:00

As the plane leaves the runway carrying the road company of Dumb and Dumber, Colleen watches and heaves an sigh of relief.

"Thank GOD. I thought they would never leave." she says. She pulls off the old lady wig and changes into her normal clothes.
She walks down the stairs and finds Rob and Crystal waiting for her in the pub.

"Okay, one more time, who's idea was it for me to dress like Norman Bates' mother?" She asks.

Rob and Crystal giggle.

"Oh funny, ha ha, nothing like making me look like a complete fool." she complains

"We're sorry Colleen" Crystal says "But you know if you'd have turned up looking like you do now, well they never would have bought the 'I'm dying' routine. They would have hung out here forever. And you and I both know that would have been a disaster for all of us"

"Yes, you're right." Colleen agrees as she checks her make up in the mirror "I never would have run them off if they saw me like this."

"Claire called before you came down" Rob says

"Did she?" Colleen asks "And what did she say?"

"She said to tell you, it was all set and you could pick her up on schedule." Rob answers

"What's going on?" Crystal asks "Did you and Claire plan something without telling me?"

"Crystal, I needed you to be convincing in your good-bye to Claire." Collen explains "If you knew she was going to be back this soon you never would have been able to seem so sad that they were taking her away."

"So she really is coming back?" Crystal is excited

"Yes." Colleen says "You don't think for a minute I would trust that blonde bimbo of a grand-daughter of mine to raise her. I mean really. I have heard of dumb blonde before but I mean come on. No one is that stupid. Not and still able to live in society anyway."

"Oh thank GOD!" Crystal exclaims "I was so worried when I found out Belle was actually going to be a nurse. When she told me she'd just graduated from nursing school I thought, she was kidding. Then she showed me her license."

"She probably got it out of Claire's, Toys R Us nurse kit" snickered Rob

"Yeah, I should have looked to see if it was stamped 'Mattel' somewhere on it." Crystal smiled

"And was signed by Doctor Barbie." Colleen added

"Come to think of it, that did look like Marlena's hand writing" Rob laughed

The three of them dissolve into fits of hysterical laughter. After a few minutes of holding their sides and wiping their eyes they calm down.

"Okay, okay" Colleen says wiping away a final tear "I know Claire downloaded the virus into the plane's main computer navigation system. They think they are somewhere over Norway, but in reality they are flying in circles over Italy."

"So they think they are going to crash? Are you sure that's wise?" Rob asks "What if they do something stupid and cause a real malfunction?"

"I'm counting on it" Colleen says "If there is one thing I can be sure of with that bunch of bone heads, it's that given the chance, one or all of them will think they are the big hero and try to save everyone."

"So what's the plan?" Crystal asks

"Well right now they are figuring out the plane isn't going to make it" Colleen shows Rob and Crystal a map. "They think they are going to crash here, but in reality Claire has the navigational computer set up to shut down all the gages, disable the manual controls and engage a secret autopilot that will put the plane here."

"And they're really not in any trouble?" Asks Crystal

"No" Colleen answers "John of course will take over the plane and do his famous Superman routine. He will set the plane down outside of Milan where Santo will be waiting to pick Claire up."

"Will they be coming back here?" Rob asks

"No, not right away." Colleen says "It's fashion week and I promised Claire she could see the Donatella Versace collection before she leaves. Which reminds me, Crystal don't let me forget to call Dolce and Gabbana and tell them to have Claire's dress for the Oscars ready for the final fitting before she leaves. I wanted it to be a surprise but you know how 'drama queen' Domenico gets if he thinks something doesn't fit 'just right'."

Crystal puts a reminder on her I-phone calendar and checks Colleen's schedule for next week.

"So Santo will be bringing her back after fashion week?" Crystal asks

"Yes, and as soon as she gets here, we need to get Brady a new passport so he can make it back for St. Patrick's Day." Colleen said

"Is he still on tour with Ozzy and Rob Zombie?" Crystal asks

"Yes, but he's going to take a couple days off after the Melbourne date and come home." Colleen pauses to think "I wonder if he'd mind picking up Ciera on the way."

"I don't have that on my schedule." Crystal says "When did you talk to Ciera?"

"Oh last week" Collen answered "She called and said her mother joining the police force was the last straw. And I can't say I blame the little dear. She's been on tour with Hannah Montana for 5 months as a back up dancer and her idiot parents didn't even notice she was gone."

"And what's with Hope joining the Salem PD? I would have thought she'd be more at home with the Reno 911 gang" Rob asks

"Or as a member of the TMZ staff." Crystal laughs

"Didn't I see her on Entertainment Tonight with Perez Hilton at the Grammys last night?" Rob chuckles

"Yes," Colleen says trying to hold back the laughter "She's taking Joan Rivers place but the question is, will anyone notice?"

"They might," Rob says "Joan wasn't anywhere near as pushy or nosy"

The three of them collapse again into hysterical laughter. Holding their sides and tears flowing down their cheeks.

Lexi Figures It Out

2008-02-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

Lexi Carver, Chief of Staff.
Lexi couldn't stop staring at her new business cards.
After all the problems she'd had last year; Sami blackmailing her, being fired and banned from the hospital, her own father kidnapping her and holding her hostage, her husband finding out she was still cheating, her boyfriend disappearing. Quite a year.

Lexi wonders if maybe from now on things will start going her way. As she smiles and starts back to work on next month's schedule for new nurses she pauses on a name.

Belle Kiriakis? That can't be right. Lexi checks the paperwork again. Sure enough there she was, on the list of graduates.

"But she just started." Lexi says "How could this be?"

Lexi decides Marlena might know what's going on so she goes to find her.

As she is walking down the hall towards Marlena's office she passes the medical records room. A light shines under the door.

"That's strange, no one is supposed to be in there this time of night." Lexi thinks

She pauses by the door and listens. From inside she can hear someone typing on the the computer. Every so often the typing stops and Lexi hears a laugh.
A chill runs through her. The laugh sounds so evil.

Lexi put her hand on the door handle and turns it slowly. She eases the door open and peeks inside.

Marlena sits at the computer. A large stack of files sits next to her, each one with a different name on it.

"Marlena!" Lexi says "What are you doing."

Marlena looks up at Lexi, and suddenly reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. She levels it at Lexi, who can't believe what she's seeing.

"Lexi, just leave now and you won't get hurt." Marlena says quietly.

"But Marlena, what are you doing? Those look like test result records. Are you changing the results?" Lexi is shocked

"Yes Lexi" Marlena says "And it's not the first time."

Lexi stood horrified as she watched Marlena continue to type information into the computer.

"Marlena! STOP!" Lexi made a move towards the keyboard but Marlena lifted the gun again.

"Don't make me use this Lexi" Marlena warned. "You would not be the first person I have had to kill to cover this up."

Lexi couldn't believe what she was hearing. "How long has this been going on?"

"Well lets see," Marlena thought for a minute "There was the Rex and Cassie incident, with Roman's sperm and Kate's eggs. And of course Claire's paternity results. The embryo switch with Belle and Mimi, Sami's twins, Zak's paternity, Hope's ultrasound when she was carrying Ciera."

"Ciera?" Lexi asked "Who's that again?"

"Oh you know, Bo and Hope's daughter, the one Hope was so sure was Patrick Lockhart's, it was a big mess." Marlena answered

"Oh okay," Lexi nodded "Um I hate to ask but are there any others?"

"Oh hundreds" Marlena smiled "All the way back to John's DNA tests when he thought he was Forrest Alamain, Tony, EJ, Benji, Bo, even your Theo. I've changed X-Ray results, DNA, blood work, forensic evidence, autopsies, death certificates, birth certificates, even immunization records."

Marlena was actually giggling as she listed all the information she had changed, deleted or falsified over the years.

Lexi just stood there in shock. "I, I can't believe this! You've been doing this for years. All the lives you've destroyed, all the pain and misery. And now you just sit there giggling about it?"

"Yes" Marlena's face turned to stone "I did it all. And I'll keep doing it. These people in this town deserve it. They have all lived their lives so smugly. Cheating on each other, lying, keeping secrets. Well now their secrets are mine.
I control them all. I get to say who lives and who dies. I get to decide who knows things about themselves and their families. ME!"

"But Marlena, don't you realize because of you no one in this town can be sure who they are related to? Who they are marrying or having children with?" Lexi asked.

Marlena laughed maniacally. "Yes! But I don't care! I will keep doing it, and when I am satisfied Salem will never know the real truth about anything, I will move on. Another town, more results. Before long I'll rule the world!!"

Lexi's blood ran cold. Marlena was completely out of control. She had lost her mind. And she knew she had to stop her.

Lexi lunged for the gun and it fell to the floor. Both women looked at each other for a instant before going after the gun. Lexi pushed Marlena out of the way with one hand while she reached with the other. Her fingers brushed the gun before she was dragged back by Marlena.
Marlena threw Lexi back against the desk and made her move for the gun. But before she could reach it Lexi hit her across the back with the chair.
Stunned Marlena rolled towards the file cabinet to get away from the assault.
Lexi saw her chance and dived towards the gun. She grabbed it a split second before Marlena also made her move.

The women struggled over the gun. Each trying to wrench it away from the other. Lexi pushed Marlena hard against the file cabinet and fell on top of her, the gun sandwiched between them.

Suddenly the gun went off. Lexi fell back and the gun fell on the floor between them. She looked at it for a second, not quite believing what had just happened. She then looked over at Marlena.
She had a shocked look on her face, as she moved her hand up to her face.
The hand is covered with blood. A spreading splash of red was making it's way across her chest.

"You, you shot me!" Marlena gasped

"Oh my God Marlena, I'm sorry, I didn't know it would fire so easily. Oh God, Marlena you're bleeding." Lexi sobbed

Marlena looked down at the wound then looked up at Lexi and smiled. "So, now it's you."

"What? what do you mean?" Lexi asked

"You, you must continue what I have started. You must continue to change test results and make sure no one in Salem ever knows the truth."Marlena said

"Me? What makes you think I intend to continue this? What could ever possess you to think that I would even consider it?"

"Because, you are my daughter." Marlena said

Lexi looked confused for a few seconds, then got angry. "WHAT? Marlena I know you are crazy, but you aren't blind are you? I'm BLACK. How could you be my mother?"

"Because Stefano...is NOT your father." Marlena gasped

Lexi's heart froze in her chest. She stared at Marlena. Not a Dimera? Not the daughter of the most evil man in the world? Lexi let the information soak in. But her mother? Celeste not her mother? Marlena? But how...

"How?" Lexi asked "Celeste raised me. She was always there."

"Stefano had me prisoner." Marlena's breathing was getting more labored "He implanted my egg in Celeste. He swore her to secrecy. He wanted the child to be his and mine. But he didn't know that before he could have the egg fertilized, I switched the sperm."

"But, but you knew? All these years? And who, who is my father?" Lexi asked "If it's not Stefano then who?"

Marlena was fading fast. She starts to cough. Lexi opens her cell phone.

"NO!" Marlena says weakly.

"But Marlena, we have to get you help. You're bleeding to death." Lexi says

"Let.........me..........die." Marlena coughed "It's .........over......now"

"But I need to know, who my father is. You have to live. You need help, let me call."

"No!" Marlena insists "You have to let me die."

"FINE DIE!" Lexi screams "BUT tell me who my father is!!"

"In..........the............computer.........just changed.......the results on your.......records.........before you came in. I was........going to.........tell you."
Marlena closes her eyes and collapses.

"Marlena! MARLENA!" Lexi feels for a pulse and finds none.

"Oh my God, Marlena." Lexi sits on the floor and lets it all sink in. She looks up at the computer. "Marlena said, it was in the computer." she says to herself.

Lexi gets up and goes to the desk. She sits down and types her own name into the computer.

The screen shows it's searching. As Lexi waits she looks over. Beside the stack of files she sees them. A pair of black leather gloves.
She looks at them and sighs. All this time, they thought "the glove" was EJ. Didn't he even confess? Lexi thought.

As she held the gloves, she noticed the computer had finished it's search and her medical records were in front of her.

She took the mouse in her hand and started to scroll through the information.
She stopped at her birth certificate. A name, not Stefano.
Lexi stared at the name. She turned to look at Marlena, laying dead on the floor.
Lexi stood up, pulling on the black leather gloves. She picked up the gun and wiped her fingerprints off the handle. She took the gun and put it into Marlena's hand. Point blank to the chest. Suicide. Lexi thought. She made sure the angle of the shot would line up with Marlena holding it. It did.

Lexi opened her cell phone and dialed 911.
"Yes, this is Dr. Lexi Carver. I'm in the records room at University Hospital and I just found Dr. Marlena Evans dead. I believe she committed suicide." Lexi looked at Marlena and sighed "Yes, I'll stay here until you arrive."

Lexi closed her phone and turned back to the computer screen. Taking one last look at the name in the space that read "Child's Father"

"Orenthal James Simpson" Lexi read aloud as she took off the black leather gloves and pushes them deep into the pocket of her doctor's coat. She switched off the computer and started putting the files away. As she finished the last of them she heard the sirens getting closer.

"Good bye mother" she whispered as prepared to meet the officers at the elevator.

The Deal Part Deux.

2008-02-06T04:58:00.000-08:00

Belle sits in the hall outside the nursing school dean's office. Her head is spinning with thoughts.

"Wow I'm really cute. I mean really. I don't see how any guy resists me. I wonder why I'm here. I wonder if I'm in some sort of trouble for missing classes. I wonder if I can still get that pink sweater on sale."

The office door opens and the dean says "Mrs. Brady?"

Belle sits as if she hadn't heard him.

"Mrs. Brady?" the dean says a little louder

Belle still sits. She looks around and sees the dean. She smiles at him and turns away, as if he wasn't talking to her.

The dean is confused. He steps in front of Belle, makes eye contact and says
"MRS. BRADY!"

Belle looks confused then it hits her, "OH you mean me! That's right I'm Mrs. Brady! Oh wow I thought my husband's grandma was here, and I was a little ticked that she got to go ahead of me.."

"My office, if you please, Mrs. Brady" the dean tries not to lose his temper.

Belle looks at the office door. "Yeah, that's your office. But I don't know how pleased I am about it, it's kind of drab.."

"Please, go into my office Mrs. Brady." The dean says through clenched teeth.

"Geez, you don't have to be rude. I'm going." Belle flips her hair and sashays into the office.

The dean follows, trying desperately to resist the urge to just grab Belle from behind and strangle her.
The dean closes the door and sits behind his desk. He stares at Belle for a few seconds before he starts to speak.

In those few seconds, Belle's mind begins to wander . . .
"Wow this office is nice. A little too much wood, but I guess he likes it that way.
I wonder if those shoes I bought last week will look good with the skirt I'm buying later. Ooo is that candy. I like candy. Do hedgehogs sleep? I've never seen one sleep, but that doesn't mean they don't..."

"MRS. BRADY! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" The dean was done trying to be nice.

Belle looked at him "Were you talking to me? I heard you talking I just didn't know who you were talking to and I thought it was rude to listen if you weren't talking to me..."

"There's no one else in the room, so who else would I be talking to?" The dean asks

"Well I thought maybe you were thinking out loud. I do that sometimes. Like when I am thinking about my life and how happy I am to have my beautiful baby Claire. Would you like to see some pictures of Claire, I have tons of them, Oh wait those are pictures of me...I'm so pretty, I just think..." Belle babbles

"MRS. BRADY!" The dean has lost it

"What? Why do you keep yelling at me?" Belle asks

"Because you aren't listening to me. I keep trying to tell you that you are dangerously close to being kicked out of this school." The dean says

"Kicked out!" Now Belle pays attention "Why would you kick me out? I want to be a nurse!"

"Well evidently not bad enough to actually go to class." The dean opens Belle's file and shows it to her "You haven't been to half your classes in over three months. You show up for a test here or there, but then you don't bother doing any of your lab work. How do you expect to pass and graduate Mrs. Brady."

"But it's not my fault!" Belle starts to pout "I had to rescue my daughter. She was kidnapped."

"Ah yes, the famous Claire." The dean turns a few pages "She seems to be the main excuse you use. Let's see, Claire is sick, Claire was kidnapped, Claire had a bad hair day, Claire might be lonely. I think you need to decide if you want to be a nurse or you want your life to revolve around your daughter."

"You can't do that!!" Belle starts to blubber "You can't make me choose between my daughter and being a nurse. It's just not fair."

"Mrs. Brady, life is not fair." The dean says "We all have to make sacrifices in our lives in order to have a better life."

"But I don't like sacrifices." Belle whines "They are icky and smell bad and I don't think the church wants us to do them."

"Mrs. Brady, I am getting very tired of this little dumb blonde act" The dean is annoyed

"It's not an act." Belle says "I really am a blonde. It says so on the box."

"Okay Mrs. Brady, this meeting is over. I am afraid I am going to have to ask you to turn in your student ID and leave the school." The dean closes Belle's file.

"What? You're kicking me out of school?" Belle is shocked

"Oh NOW you're paying attention. Yes Mrs. Brady, you don't seem to want to put in the effort and time it takes to be a nurse." The dean explains "You don't want to go to class, you skip labs, you haven't turned in even one assignment, how do you expect to graduate?"

Belle sits in silence for few seconds, then opens her purse and pulls out here cell phone. She dials a number and waits.

The dean sits watching this and is confused. Belle talks to someone for a few minutes then hangs up. Before the dean can ask what that was about, his phone rings.

"Dean's office" He says "Yes, this is the dean. Yes. . . yes. . . well you must understand how these things work . . .yes. . . . yes but there are rules . . . yes, I see. . . but there are laws to consider. . . .I understand but if everyone could just. . . well of course I know you aren't EVERYONE but still. . . . I mean even you obey the law. . . well yes that's true. . . .but I just can't. . . well yes that is quite a bit. . .how many buildings? Well that is quite generous, but still . . . and a new gym with an indoor pool? I just don't know if I can. . . and how much to the administration's retirement fund? But still in good conscience. . . yes I do have 2 daughters. . . yes they are 9 and 11 but what does that have to do with . . . oh, well now when would that be? Yes, that's fine. Goodbye."

The dean hangs up the phone and looks across the desk at Belle who is furiously texting someone on her phone. He sighs and pulls a piece of paper out of his desk, signs it, and applies the school seal.

"Here you are Mrs. Brady." He slides the paper across the desk to Belle "Congratulations you're a nurse."

"Neato!" Belle beams at the diploma "I can't wait to show this to Shawn! He still hasn't passed cop school or whatever he has to do to be a cop."

"Yes, fine, you may go now Mrs. Brady." The dean didn't even get the words out before Belle popped up and bounced out the door.

The dean picked up his phone and called his home. "Emma honey, it's daddy. Guess what? No...guess again....no, even better. Okay I'll tell you, next weekend you and Katy not only get to go see Hannah Montana, you get to go backstage and meet her in person!"

The squeal from the other end of the phone, has dogs looking up all over town.
"Yes honey, daddy had to make a deal he's not proud of, but Mr. Kriakis said it was all taken care of. Yes, honey just like that."

The Deal

2008-02-04T05:08:00.000-08:00

Claire Kiriakis slipped to the back of the plane while her idiot parents partied it up not even noticing she was gone.

She dialed her cell phone and waited.

"Uncle Brady? Is everything all ready?" she asked

"Sure is sweetie" Brady answered "I got your Grandma Colleen here with me and our plane is taking off for South America in a couple hours. You were so right about faking her death. I can't believe that Salem crowd was so easy to fake out."

"Duh!" Claire rolls her eyes "This crowd is so dense faking them out is almost too easy. It's not even fun anymore."

"I still can't get over Chloe giving up on me so fast." Brady sighed "I would have thought she'd at least have looked for me a little more than she did."

"I wouldn't worry about it, Uncle Brady." Claire answered "You're so much better off without her."

"I know" Brady agreed "So how long do you think it will take after you get home for your parents to start ignoring you again?"

"Oh probably about 30 seconds" Claire says "I bet I am shipped off to Grandma Caroline's before the bags get unloaded from the plane."

"Damn kid, sorry to hear about that." Brady says

"Pfft, It's cool, I'm used to it." Claire explains "It's actually almost funny to watch my mom fake her melt downs whenever I disappear. She's like a kid who's lost her favorite toy. She whines and bawls and cries so much you'd think she was the 3 yr old instead of me."

"I know" Brady sighs "I have no clue what happened to her. I guess she's just too much like that crazy witch Marlena. I still have no clue what my dad EVER saw in her. My mom was so much cooler. Classy you know."

"Yes" Claire agrees "I can't wait to meet her. She's already down in Brazil waiting for us right?"

"Yep." Brady says "You know when she faked her death all those years ago, I was sure my dad would figure it out and go after her. But noooo, Marlena had to distract him and make him think she was really dead. I swear it will be so good to kill her."

"Patience , patience," Claire says "One thing at at time. Right now we have to make sure our plan comes off without a hitch."

"Yeah, you're right Claire" Brady sighs "Do you have Ciera's flight info? I will have the limo waiting for her at the airport and then as soon as she helps me get everything packed up here we'll be on the way."

"Sure do," Claire is already scrolling through her i-phone "Okay, her flight is due to land in about 2 hours."

"Okay, great." Brady says "Hey speaking of Ciera, I have to let you go she's calling on my other phone."

"Keep me posted, I'll call when we get home." Claire says as she hangs up.

Brady hangs up one cell phone and answers another one.

"Brady!" Ciera says "So great to finally talk to you! Did Claire tell you when my plane gets in?"

"She did." Brady answers "And I will have the limo there when you land."

"Great" Ciera says "Did you back up all the computers and destroy the hard drives so no one will be able to follow us?"

"Got it done late last night" Brady says "And I've gotten us all fake passports, and deposited the money in the offshore Cayman Islands account, just like you said."

"Good" Ciera checks her list "Now did you make sure Great Aunt Colleen purchased the homes in Buenos Aries with the corporation credit account and then paid them off with the money from the partnership, as if they were taken over by a hostile creditor, giving us the profit, without paying the capital gains taxes?"

"Check and double check" Brady confirms

"Great, now what about that last little bit of business we spoke about?"

There was a very long pause.

"Brady, you are NOT going to tell me you didn't do this for me right?" Ciera asked

"Well" Brady began "Things like this take time. There are factors at work that we didn't foresee."

"Factors? Do NOT tell me about factors. You had one simple assignment. One thing to do. All the other things I gave you I could have just phoned in, but this, this was important." Ciera tried to hold her temper.

"I know, I know." Brady stammered "But it wasn't something I could control. I know this was important. But in a way you were asking for the impossible."

"IMPOSSIBLE?" Ciera explodes "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH! YOU HAVE UNTIL I GET THERE TO GET THIS DONE. THERE IS NO NOT GETTING IT DONE. THERE IS NO I CAN'T. WHEN THIS PLANE LANDS IF I DO NOT SEE YOU STANDING AT THE GATE WITH THIS TASK COMPLETED, DON'T BOTHER EVEN SHOWING UP! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.!"

"Yes, maam." Brady said quietly "It will be done."

Without an answer, Ciera slams her cell shut.

Brady, sits in the darkening room, not sure if he should just save himself the trouble and leave now, or try again to do the impossible.
Finally he flips his cell open and dials a number. A low voice answers.

"Okay" Brady says "I'll come back to you Chloe. You are the only one who can help me, and even though I am sure Ciera wouldn't really kill me, I just can't take that chance."

"You were wise to take my offer." Chloe says "You'll come to see, in time, I was right. And although you may think death would be preferable to a life with me, I think one day you will change your mind."

Brady hangs up his phone and drops his head to his hands.

"God forgive me." He says in a halting voice "I sold my soul to Chloe, for Hannah Montana tickets."

Dear Abby

2008-02-02T05:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Abby:
I am a newlywed. My husband, I'll call him Yawn, is jealous all the time. He says he can't trust me because before we got married I had one little innocent fling with my ex-husband. How silly is that? It isn't like I was going to do it again. And what is so bad about letting my ex buy me some things. Clothes, shoes, designer bags, cars. Why does Yawn have to get so mad?
My ex is a war hero! So you could say my sleeping with him was my patriotic duty right? I mean our President is always saying we should support our troops right?
I'm just so confused. What do I do?

Blonde and Baffled

Dear Blonde and Baffled, You don't need advice you need a good slap to the head and a kick in the pants. If you have no idea why your husband gets mad because you cheat, then you have no hope, no clue, and I have no advice.
_________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
I don't think my parents know I exist most of the time. They are both cops but they seem to spend most of their time running off all over the world chasing my cousin who seems to get kidnapped every other week. They don't even act like they remember they have me. What do I do?

Left Alone

Dear Left Alone,
Every few months one of you college students think you can put one over on me with letters like this. Nice try, but no self respecting parents would leave their child alone as much as you claim. Nice touch making them cops too!
____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
My husband was held captive by an evil man who brainwashed him. He doesn't remember me or our family. I have done everything I can, including putting the man who did this into a permanent coma. I am a psychiatrist and even though I have years of training in how to unlock the mind I just don't know what else to do. He's the love of my life and I just don't think I can last another day without him in my arms. Even when he was in a coma came to me in my dreams and told me how much he loved me. He is my soul mate. I would do anything for him do you hear me? Anything!! I would kill for him. He just has to remember our life and our love. I know he would never leave me, he loves me I can see it in his eyes. We are meant to be together. FOREVER!!
How do I bring him back to me? How do I make him remember?

Desperate For Nooky

Dear Desperate,
Since you are a psychiatrist you have, no doubt heard of Prozac? Get some, take it, often.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
My wife and I are both over 40. We have one daughter who is in college. Lately my wife has been obsessed with having another baby. I missed most of our daughter's growing up years because an evil man drugged me, convinced my family I was dead, and brainwashed me.
I lived for almost 20 years as someone else until my brother found me.
I came home and eventually remembered my wife. Now she wants to have another baby so we will have the chance to raise a child together.
I think she's just trying to get revenge. She wants me to see all the crap she went through with a kid.
I am not sure I want to do this, but she keeps jumping me. And to be honest, she's pretty hot and I like all the attention. I just don't want another kid.
But I am afraid if I tell her she'll cut me off whoopie department.
How do I keep getting nailed but not stuck?

Horny Hubby

Dear Horny Hubby,
I could tell you to go get a vasectomy and not tell her, but it sounds like she'd just find another way to get pregnant. My only advice is either fake your death again, or get used to changing diapers. Baby fever is common in women her age and unless your daughter pops out a grandkid real soon you are kind of out of luck.

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
I think I am under a curse. I accidentally killed my little brother last year and this year I accidentally killed this guy who raped my cousin. My family gets me out of trouble when I do this, but I don't know how many more times they will be able to do this. How do I stop having all these accidents? People are starting to talk.

Teen Terror

Dear Teen Terror,
Get a hobby. Learn a trade. Maybe plumbing, they make a lot of money. I just paid some guy $200 to install a new water heater. If you had something to occupy your time maybe you would have less accidents.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
My whole family is insane. 50 years ago I faked my death to get away from them, but they tracked me down.
They never know who their kids' fathers are, they get married and cheat all the time, they die and come back, they don't even work! I have no idea nor do I want to know where they get all their money, but they seem to just be able to do whatever they want and not worry about how to pay for it.
I am afraid if I let them stay they will start sponging off me. How to I just go back to being a long lost legend?

Grandma Needs A Life

Dear Grandma,
Has your family been writing to me this past week? If so, find out a way to get dead again, real real fast.
Maybe you could find someone to fake kill you, like with a steak knife. Then you could go back to having a real life. Just do it fast, before they drag you down with them.

*Note Dear Abby will not be published for a few weeks. After reading these letters she decided a weekend with Jose Cuervo would be in order. We wish her the best.

The REAL Legend of Colleen

2008-01-31T05:30:00.000-08:00

After faking her death Colleen realized for the first time in her life she actually got to make her own decisions. No Church, no dad, no nuns or priests constantly reminding her of her "duty" or her "obligations". She was free.

So naturally her first stop was a bar.

Some time later she woke up in a hotel room.
Her head was throbbing, and she had no idea how she'd gotten there. As she looked around she heard the shower running. A man's tuxedo lay across the end of the bed. Puddled on the floor next to the bed was an evening gown. It was then Colleen looked down at herself. She was wearing a satin negligee' that felt very expensive, but more than that, on her finger she was wearing a huge diamond ring and an even bigger diamond wedding band.

The shower stopped and a tall dark man walked into the room.

"Ah darling you're awake" he spoke with a thick Italian accent "Shall I ring for breakfast?"

"Who, when, where?" was all Colleen could get out

The man laughed, "Oh my angel, you never cease to amaze me."

He walked into the outer room as Colleen spotted an official looking piece of paper laying on the bedside table. She picked it up. It was in Italian but Colleen could still make out that it was a marriage license.

"Colleen Brady and Constantine Alamain" she says the words out loud as if she can't believe it herself. Married? But how? When?
A flood of memories suddenly start coming back to her. She remembers traveling with a group of gypsies from the pub in Ireland to the south of France.

After a night of revelry and dancing she remembered meeting this man she thought at first, must be a prince. He was tall, handsome, wealthy, and for some reason completely taken with her.

She remembered shopping, modeling outfit after outfit while he smiled and kept telling her to try another. Each dress was more richly appointed and expensive than the last. But money was no object. His love would have the best.

After the shops of Paris, it was on to Monte Carlo. Colleen remembered the casinos and the grand ballrooms. At once point she vaguely recalled meeting a Prince who told Constantine he was pleased with his choice.

After that it was on to one gala or ball after another. Colleen couldn't remember dancing so much in her entire life. Every night she wore a different gown, every day Constantine would give her another gift. Jewels, trinkets, perfume, flowers.

The memories came faster and faster to her. She remembered a moonlight night on a balcony. The sound of the ocean pounding on the rocks below. Constantine holding her and telling her she was unlike any other woman he had ever met and he couldn't imagine his life without her.

It was then he turned her around and presented her with the ring she was now wearing. Down on one knee, the soft breezes blowing his hair, his smile, Colleen was overwhelmed and said yes.

The wedding itself was a quick affair in a small church, Colleen remembered insisting on being married in the church. A little old priest smiling as he gave them the sacrament, and blessed their union. Afterwards he remembered him blessing them even more after Constantine gave him a large bundle of money saying it was a donation for the orphans.

The sound of Constantine's voice brought her back to the present.
"Darling, as wonderful as it would be to stay in bed with you all day long, we must be going. We are to meet my brother Leopold and his wife Philomena tomorrow night. They will love you so. Oh and they will be announcing they are expecting a child. I know my brother will tease me about that. But I have a feeling it won't be long before we will be making our own announcement will it my dear?"

"Umm no, it won't" Colleen blushed at the thought of having a baby

"So hurry darling, we must be ready to leave. We are sailing on the Andrea Doria tonight."

Colleen got out of bed and decided that maybe she had made the right decision, when she left Ireland. This may be what she was destined for her entire life.

Bo and Hope's Excellent Adventure

2008-01-30T04:59:00.000-08:00

Bo and Hope Brady drive aimlessly around the Irish countryside. Hope stares at the road signs, then looks over at Bo. He is intently staring at his notebook, pen in hand. He writes something down, then says "Damn, did it again!"

"What's wrong Brady," Hope asks "Trying to figure out who we're up against?"

"Huh?" Bo says "Uh no, just. . . well making notes I guess." He tries to put the notebook into his pocket but Hope reaches over and takes it from him.

"TIC TAC TOE?" Hope flips through page after page of games "YOU were playing Tic Tac Toe, BY YOURSELF? AND LOSING??????"

"Hey it's a hard game!" Bo says defensively "I am a hard guy to beat you know!"

Hope opens her mouth to say something and stops herself. He is so lucky he's good looking, she thinks to herself. Because if I'd married him for his brains. . we wouldn't be married.

"I thought you were going to do the navigation for us." Hope says

"I am, Fancy Face" Bo proudly reaches in to the glove box and pulls out a Garmin
"When we picked up the rental car I grabbed one of these babies. This will tell us turn by turn where we need to go!"

"Good work Brady!" Hope says "Turn that sucker on."

"Okay okay, give me a minute here." Bo fiddles with the buttons "What road are we on right now?"

"Well let's see," Hope pulls up to an intersection and looks at the signs "We are at the corner of Shite and Nadaplace" Hope looks at the signs again to make sure she read that right. "Brady I don't like the looks of this, we really need to get to New Ross"

"Hang on, I'm programming it now" Bo says as he punches buttons "Okay putting in where we are now, and where we need to go, and the time of day, and the average speed, and the road conditions...would you say it's dry and clear or dry and hazy? I think clear but those clouds over there look kind of hazy to me.."

"JUST PROGRAM THE DAMN THING!" Hope snaps impatiently

"Okay okay," Bo says "There I got it."

Bo puts the Garmin into it's little holder on the dashboard and pushes the START button.

"Weelcum ta Ireland" The box chirps "Yeer gunna wanna go farwerd froom hare"

"What did it say?" Hope asks

"I think it said to go far from here." Bo pushes the repeat button and they both listen.

"I think it wants us to go straight" Hope says "Didn't it have an English setting?"

"Hang on, let me see" Bo pushes a few more buttons

" 'ello guvna! 'have yerself a gander round, and if it's Nada Road yer on then yer doin' grand. Just head on down for 20 kilometers, hang a left and Bob's Yer Uncle."

"Bob's my uncle? Who's Bob? Hope I think this thing is trying to tell us some secret information." Bo says excitedly

"I think that thing needs to take a flying leap off of the Tower of London." Hope says "Put it back on Irish, at least we sort of understand that."

"But what about Bob?" Bo asks

"There is no Bob" Hope says "Forget about Bob."

"Easy for you to say, he's not YOUR Uncle." Bo mutters as he pushes buttons on the Garmin again "I bet Stefano kidnapped him too..."

"BO!" Hope snaps her fingers "Concentrate. Just fix the thing"

"Okay, I got it" Bo says

"Yeell be wantin ta tarn leeft at the Chorch, just ahead"

"There, now we're getting somewhere" Hope says

After a few minutes they spot the church and turn left. Hope looks over at the Garmin as it gives the next direction.

"The Lard be smilin on ye taday, as ye've reached yer destination."

"We're here?" Hope says "This doesn't look right."

They approach a small town and stop at a large sign on the side of the road.

"Welcome to Chandler? CHANDLER? Bo, we were supposed to be going to New Ross!" Hope says shocked

"Ross, Chandler, whatever, I knew it was one of those Friends guys. What difference does it make?" Bo says

"It makes a BIG difference! We're supposed to be going to rescue Claire, remember? How are we supposed to do that if you keep getting us lost?" Hope says, trying not to lose it.

"Claire, Claire, Claire." Bo says "That kid is always getting into trouble. Why do we keep having to go rescue her anyway? Can't your son keep track of his kid once in his life?"

"MY Son??" Hope says "Hello? Brady! He's your son too you know."

"So you say." Bo mutters

"WHAT?" Hope yells

"Nothing, nothing. It's just really frustrating how Belle and Shawn keep letting Claire get away. We don't have that problem with.....with.....what was her name again? The little one?"

"Ciera!" Hope says through her teeth

"Yeah, her. What's with that name anyway? I never liked that name. We should have named her Barbara. Oh better yet, Barbara Ann! Then we could sing that song for her, you know Ba-ba-ba, Ba-barb-ra Ann.." Bo launches into the old Beach Boys hit

"BO!" Hope slaps Bo across the face "Are you on drugs? Snap out of it!"

Bo blinks a few times and stares at Hope, who is at the end of her rope. She takes a deep breath and tries to collect herself.

"Okay, I'm sorry I did that, but we need to get going." She says "Obviously this thing is no help" Hope turns the Garmin off

"It's okay Fancy Face" Bo says "I brought a map, we can use it to find this New Rachel, "

"New ROSS" Hope says

"Yeah, sorry, New Ross." Bo smiles his best Crest White Strips grin and pulls out the map.

"Okay, we just have to go back to that church and keep going the other way." Hope says as she turns the car around and heads back in the direction they just came.

They make it back to the church and turn out onto the road they were on before and keep driving.

"Now we should see a sign pretty soon." Hope says "We passed one about 1/2 an hour ago that said New Ross was in 30 Kilometers"

"We should be there in no time." Bo says, As he looks over the map "Oh cool! It looks like we're going to go right through Kenosha! Can we stop for some cheese?"

A feeling of horror comes over Hope as she looks over to see Bo marking their route on a map of Wisconsin.

In The DOOL Writer's Room

2008-01-28T06:55:00.000-08:00

The group of new writers sat nervously in the writer's room of DOOL.
The table they sat round was piled with DOOL scripts from the past several years. Some of the writers flipped through these scripts, some chatted, some just sat and looked around, still not quite believing where they were.

The door opens, Ken Corday and Diana Higley walk in.

"Good morning people, I hope all of you are here to work, because we have a long way to go today." Ken says in a loud voice

"We know many of you are new at this," Diana says "But this is a learn as you go process, so don't be afraid to speak up if you have questions."

"So, speaking of questions, let's just get right to that." Ken takes a seat at the head of the table. "Anyone have any questions about DOOL, and the current SL?"

After a few seconds of very loud silence, one of the writers raises her hand.

"Yes, you in the red" Diana says "And you don't have to be so formal, just speak up."

"Um okay, well I just want to know. . . well I guess . . . I sort of know . . . but I would like to hear the real reason from you guys....Why is Belle so stupid?"

An audible gasp came from the rest of the group and everyone waits to see how badly this would go.

"Well, we try not to think of Belle as stupid. That doesn't mean she's smart by any means, but we wouldn't say stupid. We'd say...naive" Ken answered "But just between us, it's because it's funnier that way."

"In case you hadn't noticed, DOOL is a parody of itself." Diana said "We know it's been a train wreck for several years now. But instead of trying to get it back on track, we've been selling tickets to see the wreck."

Every jaw in the room drops as Diana's words sink in .

"So you want us to write it. . .silly?"

"You bet!" Diana says "Get crazy. We want people watching not because they like the show, but to see what's going to happen next."

"You mean we can have even more people come back from the dead?"

"And change around who people's fathers are, even if they already did tests to prove who it was?"

"Wow! and we can make people hook up with people they don't even like and then fall in love with them?"

"And just toss new people in, and have them be related to people out of the blue?"

"OH oh oh! Like we could have Julie or Hope have another kid who just shows up all grown up and it's like, oops forgot to tell you all these years, I had a baby and just forgot I had it!"

"And kids can just grow up overnight, and no one ever has to work?"

"They already do that, stupid!"

"So? I was just making sure we could keep doing it. And I don't hear you coming up with anything new."

"I am, I just don't want YOU to know what it is."

"PEOPLE PEOPLE!" Ken stands up and waits until the room is quiet. "I am hearing some really great ideas being tossed out there, let's make sure we get them down on paper. Diana, may I talk to you before I leave?"

Ken and Diana exit the room and walk down the hall into another room. Ken goes to a switch on the wall and flips it. Immediately the wall turns into a one way mirror and the writer's room is revealed.

Everyone in the room is excitedly talking. Some are writing things down, while still others are actually up acting out scenes.

Ken turns the sound up for a moment and we hear:

"Mom! how could you just not tell me I had a sister!"
"I'm so so sorry Belle, I just completely forgot that I had a baby! And that I gave it away!"

"No no no, Stefano and John are brothers now, but we could make Julie be their long lost OTHER sister!"

"I just think if Shawn knew all along where Claire was why did he pretend to look for her? Oh well that's not a big deal."

Ken turns the sound down and smiles. "I think they will work out fine."

"And they're cheap, and hiring them doesn't break any of the agreements we have with the writer's union." Diana says smugly

"How could it? They couldn't join the union if they wanted to, so there's nothing the unions or their lawyers or anyone can do about it." Ken says.

"I have to hand it to you Ken" Diana says "It was a stroke of genius."

"Yes it was" Ken agrees, "Hiring FIFTH GRADERS to write DOOL is the best idea I have ever had!"

Are You Smarter Than A Box Of Rocks?

2008-01-25T05:06:00.000-08:00

And now it's time for America's newest game show, Are You Smarter Than A Soap Character?!

And here's your host Alex Trebek!!

Alex: Thank you! And now let's introduce our contestant
This is Belle Kiriakis, a nursing student from Salem!!!

Belle: And a mother Alex, don't forget that.

Alex: Right you are Belle. Is your daughter with you today?

Belle: No Alex, right now she's in the hands of some kidnappers, but my
wonderful husband Shawn and my boyfriend, who used to be my husband
Phillip are out looking for her right now.

Alex: Ummm, ooooookay, are you sure you should be here Belle?

Belle: Oh sure Alex, it happens all the time, she'll turn up.

Alex: Okay then Belle are you ready to go?

Belle: Sure Alex, but aren't we supposed to do this show first?

Alex: Umm yeah, pick a category Belle

Belle: I'll take, first grade math! I can do that.

Alex: Here's the question: How many sides does a triangle have?

Belle: ~~*~~*~~*crickets*~~*~~*~~

Alex: Belle we need an answer.

Belle: To what?

Alex: The question Belle, How many sides does a triangle have?

Belle: Don't you know?

Alex: Yes, I know but I want you to answer, that's how the game is played.

Belle: I like games!

Alex: Belle if you don't know the answer you can use one of your cheats.

Belle: I DON'T CHEAT! I HAVE NEVER CHEATED!! HOW DARE YOU SAY I CHEAT

Alex: Belle, it's okay, don't get upset

Belle: Well how can I not get upset when I am being accused of cheating!

Alex: Belle, (sigh) do you know how many sides a triangle has?

Belle: Alex what is it with you and this triangle? It's a 3 sided thing, it's not
real okay?

Alex: YES, that's correct! You win $5000!

Belle: For what? Did I win the lottery?

Alex: Belle, stay with me here. You're on a game show...to win money.

Belle: Game show?? OOOOh where's Bob Barker? I love him!

Alex: Belle, (snaps his fingers in front of her face) wake up Belle, can you pick
another category?

Belle: Okay, I'll take 4th grade Health. I 'm in nursing school I should know
this stuff!

Alex: *under his breath-I wouldn't bet on it* Alright Belle, What does a
Psychiatrist do?

Belle: Oooo my mom is a Psychiatrist, I know this one, they mess with people's
minds and give them lots of drugs.

Alex: Well, I guess we'll take that. . . not exactly what we were looking for but
technically that's right, so okay, you're up to $10,000 Belle!

Belle: OH MY! I can't afford that! What will I do? I guess I could ask Phillip
for the money, but then I'd have to sleep with him, again....

Alex: BELLE! Hello? Stay with me here! We give you money, you don't pay us.

Belle: Why would you give me money? I'm NOT sleeping with you Alex. No!

Alex: *Groans - Why why why?* Belle can you pick another category?

Belle: Well if I have to, but you better watch it, my husband is a cop!

Alex: PICK A CATEGORY YOU IDIOT!

Belle: You don't have to shout, I'm right here. I'll take....5th grade math

Alex: *under his breath, Thank God now maybe she'll lose and we can all get
on with our lives...* Belle here's your question;
If a ball is dropped from a height of 100m, each time it hits the ground it bounces 3/5 of the height it fell. How far will the ball have travelled in the 5th bounce?

Belle: 361.12m

Alex: *jaw dropped* Oh my God, that's right. I don't get it, how? I mean,
what? Is this a joke? What's going on?

Belle: Did I need to show my work?

Alex: Ummm no, I mean wow, okay, you have $15,000 Belle, pick another
category.

Belle: Give me, 3rd Grade History. That sounds fun.

Alex: Alright, Belle; In what year did Abraham Lincoln die?

Belle: Which time?

Alex: HUH? What do you mean which time? You only die once, *laughs*

Belle: Oh Alex, you're so funny. You know no one dies the first time they die.
It usually turns out Stefano is just holding them hostage.

Alex: Okay now this is getting ridiculous. People only die one time. After that
you're dead. You don't come back!

Belle: Oh you silly! Of course you do. My dad's been dead three or four times.
and my Mom too! But sooner or later they come back.

Alex: I get it now, you're a joke. The producers put you on this show to mess
with me! I get it. You're a plant!!!

Belle: I am NOT a plant! I hate it, when people call me a plant! I'm smarter
than some dumb old plant. I don't sit in dirt and wait to get watered.

Alex: Ohhh you're just gonna play it to the end aren't you blondie? You
probably aren't even a nursing student.

Belle: I am so! I've been to 3 classes and taken a whole test, and I'm going
to graduate next week!

Alex: *laughing hysterically now* Hoo! That's rich! The next thing you'll tell me
is your dad is a secret agent, and you live in a magical land where no one
has to work, and everything is free.

Belle: Well we work sometimes, and yes my dad used to be in the ISA, but that
was before he was brainwashed the first time and he thought he was my
sister's dad Roman, but he wasn't, so he figured out he used to be a
priest, who killed people under Stefano's orders.....

Alex: *tears streaming from his eyes* Stop stop! This is too funny.

Belle: I don't see what's so funny, this is my life! I need this money to find my
daughter! She's been missing for so long.

Alex: *grabs chest, still laughing* Can't.....breathe.....must...stop...laughing.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Alex Trebek falls on the floor dead. Belle looks at him for a few minutes.
"Mr. Trebek? Are you going to be dead long? I have to go meet my mom for lunch. Mr. Trebek? Did I win? Hello?"

The Baby Angel

2008-01-24T05:22:00.000-08:00

Up in heaven; An angel patiently waits for his appointment with God.
God's secretary sits behind her desk working on some last minute requests, when the intercom sounds.

"Yes Lord?" the angel answers

"Send in my next appointment Marilyn" God says

"Right away Mr. President, ooops I mean Heavenly Father" she giggles "You can go in now."

The angel straightens his wings and walks through the golden doors into God's inner office.

God sits on his throne busily playing on his laptop.
"Come on, come on, that's it. DAMN!! Abraham and his level 34 Orc. Oooh think you're a big man with all that agility huh?"

The angel clears his throat, "Ahem, Father? I have an urgent problem."

"Oh yes, sorry, I was trying to finish this quest before you got here, but I guess Abraham and Moses just don't want to try today!" God closes his laptop and faces the angel. "Okay what is so urgent that I have to interrupt my World Of Warcraft game?"

"Well sir, as you know, I am the angel in charge of new souls" the angel begins "specifically handing out new souls to babies before they are born. And well sir we just got an order in that I am not sure we should fill."

"Now who could possibly want a baby that you would have that much of a problem with?" God asks

"Well Father, see...um well I mean if it were anyone else....not that they haven't been good people because they have.....and well she isn't the oldest woman to ever have a baby.....and it will be loved, but I mean, I just don't know...." the angel stammers.

"SPIT IT OUT!" God shouts. A huge clap of thunder rolls through the sky and lightening bolts explode all around.

"KAYLA AND STEVE JOHNSON, LORD, They are trying to get pregnant" the angel screams and covers his head.

"What? Oh dear, oh dear, that is a problem." God sits back down.

"Yes Lord, we thought you'd want to know about it. Seeing how you've been concerned about all the children in Salem being kidnapped and left alone." the angel said.

"Yes, it was against my better judgement that we sent the twins to Sami Brady. And as it turns out I was right." God sighs "They can't even figure out they have the same father."

"Yes Lord" the angel agrees "And all that trouble with Claire Kiriakis lately. Her getting kidnapped, dropped in the ocean, lost.."

"Well we all know who's fault that is," God says "The angel in charge of handing out brains had to take a coffee break when Belle Black was shipped out."

"Yes Father, we know, we've been working overtime with the Guardian Angels on that one." the angel sighs

"And the angel in charge of anger management, where was she when Shawn Brady went out? NO don't answer that, I know. Making out in the copy room with the angel of common sense that's where!" God says "That kid was a walking disaster before he took his first step."

The baby angel looks embarrassed and just nods.

"And Ciera Brady, do you know that baby wouldn't recognize her parents if they passed on the street?" God says "That was a big mistake."

"Very true Lord." The angel agrees "That's why I thought it would be best if I checked with you before sending yet another baby to that family."

"Let me see their file" God says

The angel hands God a thick file labeled Steve and Kayla Johnson. God starts flipping through it, pausing to sigh every few pages. He flips through a few more and starts chuckling, then sighs a few more times and closes it.

"Well those two have been through a lot haven't they?" God says

"Yes Lord, and they have been good parents, for all intents and purposes." the angel answers "You really can't blame them for Stephanie, I mean they weren't even together for most of her life."

"Yes, but I am still concerned." God says "It seems like they would be good parents, but I'm worried the town will get to them."

"Yes Lord, I understand." the angel agrees

"And then there's all those deals with Satan. I mean there has to be a limit to the number of times someone can do that." God says

"Yes Lord, one would think, but somehow he keeps getting them to deal with him." the angel says

"Okay, I have to make a decision here," God says

He sighs and thinks for a few minutes. He tosses a coin. Then tosses it again.
He gets online and logs on to Craigs List, goes to Parenting Forum and asks them. Finally he turns to the baby angel.

"Okay," God says "Send them a baby. But you better make sure that kid has brains and common sense, or I will personally bust you down to Lucas Roberts's conscience. And you know what that means."

"Yes Lord, I will just sit around and do absolutely nothing for eternity." the angel answers.

"Okay then. Now I need to get back to my game so, you know the way out."

The angel, emerges from God's office and sighs a huge sigh of relief. He gets on his cell phone and calls the baby soul division.
"Yes, he approved it. I know I was shocked too! Now make sure Brains and Common Sense are ready to go before you ship it. . . . . . What do you mean they called in sick??? BOTH of them? AND Honesty and Morality?? OH COME ON, we aren't sending out a Dimera kid here. Get them on the phone and tell them they better show up or it's their jobs!"

The baby angel hangs up and flies off as fast as his wings will carry him.
"Lucas Roberts's conscience...." he says and shudders.