Monday, August 25, 2008

Great Mysteries Of The Universe

There are many great mysteries in this big wide world. Some will be explained by science, some by faith, and some well some will never be explained.

The Great Pyramids
What really killed the dinosaurs.
Why anyone even cares what's going on with Brittney.

And then we have DOOL.

Someday some archaeological team will dig up video of DOOL and try to analyze it.
They of course, will not understand, as we do, that it isn't SUPPOSED to make sense. They will try to explain it, make it logical. They will have questions like:

If Kayla is a doctor capable of transplanting a kidney, why can't she do the simplest physical exam or diagnose a common cold?

How DOES Stefano keep coming back from the dead?

Phillip got an entirely new face yet even people who haven't seen him for years recognize him on sight.

The "miracle cure" serum Marlena injected herself with to wake up, was designed for an entirely different type of gas poisoning. So how did it work?

Be in a plane crash and almost die, and you're out of the hospital in 24 hrs. Fall and scrape your knee and you're in for a month.

John has a drug induced conversation with himself and a dead guy and now suddenly he LOVES Marlena again.

*An oldie but a goodie* No one EVER goes to work, yet everyone is filthy rich.

People are always "suddenly remember" they have degrees in law or are a math genius or had a baby, yet it never seems strange to anyone.

They can test for bizarre exotic unknown diseases and poisons and get the results in 15 min, yet x-rays and MRI's take days.

The most lucrative job in Salem has to be wedding planner. With funeral director running a close second.

No matter how long someone vegetates in a hospital bed, and no matter how serious their injuries, their hair and make up are always perfect.

*Another oldie but goodie* No matter where in the world someone needs to go, there's always a non-stop flight leaving Salem Airport for that exact destination in an hour. And there are always available seats.

No wonder everyone in Salem is thin. No one ever eats. At restaurants they just pick at their food, and then end up leaving it. No one ever goes grocery shopping. And when is the last time someone actually cooked? Or even made themselves a sandwich.

Which leads us to the next observation . . . no one EVER has to go to the bathroom. Well of course, they never eat.

Everyone must have an unlimited supply of new clothing. When is the last time you saw someone wear the same outfit twice. Unless they're stranded on a desert island or somewhere, and even then their clothes are always in perfect shape and totally clean.

How does EVERYONE have cell reception EVERYWHERE, EXCEPT when they really need cell reception, and then they NEVER have it. And by the same token, everyone has a cell phone, EXCEPT, they never think to use it during power failures or when they're trapped somewhere. *the entire hospital floor was sealed off, yet no one thought to use their cells to call out and let emergency services know what was going on*

Every one's house is always tastefully decorated, completely clean, and totally uncluttered. No unmade beds or dishes left lying around, except when they are clues to infidelity or that someone has broken in.

During phone conversations: no one ever says hello or goodbye, they nod and the person on the other end "hears" it, and no one ever calls just to chat or has a call from a wrong number.

And the biggest mystery of all.............................

Why does the Prevuze feed always seem to screw up right when the SL actually starts to get interesting????

Monday, July 28, 2008

Meanwhile Back On The Boat

Belle Black-Kiriakis-Brady sits in a beach chair on a sun drenched dock. Next to her the Fancy Face IX is tied up. She is deep in thought.

Shawn walks up with a totally normal look on his face (dazed and confused)

"Belle, I have a problem" he says

"I know Shawn, but we talked about this" Bell answeres "They just haven't invented a brain transplant yet."

"No, that's not what I'm talking about" Shawn says "I want to know where we are."

Belle looked at Shawn, got up and walkes over to him. She takes his face in her hands and looks deeply into his eyes.

"Shawn, listen carefully, we talked about this," Belle says quietly "We . . . are . . . on . . . the . . . dock"

"I . . know . . .that. . " Shawn imitates her "but . . .where . . .is . . .the . . dock?"

Belle takes a deep breath "Shawn the dock is here."

"I know" Shawn says "the dock is here, but where are we "

"Here, with the boat, there" Belle says

"I know the boat is there, but where is here?" Shawn looks confused.

"Here is the dock" Belle says

"And there is the boat" Shawn answers

"Right" Belle agrees

"What's right?" Shawn says

"That's right" Belle says

"That? What's that? The boat?" Shawn says

"Yes, there" Belle says

"But where is here?" Shawn insists

"Dad!" Claire interrupts them "We're in Australia"

Shawn looks up to see a college aged Claire step off the boat and on to the dock.
"Finally, someone who speaks English!" Shawn says

"It's okay Mom," Claire says to Belle "there are times I have a hard time figuring out what he's asking."

"What was he asking?" Belle says

Claire looks at her mother, sighs and smiles.

"I got the navigational computer fixed." Claire says "Dad, now for the last time, it's CALLED a computer, but you can't play World Of Warcraft on it."

"But I saw maps, and there were little dots on the maps." Shawn explains "I thought it was the beginning of a new quest. It let me log on, and I could see towns. But it wouldn't let me go to any of them, no matter how many of them I clicked on!"

"Okay dad." Claire tries to be patient "Every time you clicked on a town, the computer plotted a new course to go there. You had like 149 course changes in one day. The computer tried to calculate the speed the boat would need to go to make that many ports and well, let's just say we would have been giving Santa a run for his money in the air/land speed department."

"SANTA?' Belle perks up at the name "You didn't say Santa was coming! I have to get my list ready and put up my stocking and...and...and...COOKIES we need COOKIES!!"

Before Claire could stop her Belle was on the boat in a single bound and dashing into the cabin, babbling excitedly about presents and candy.

Claire sighs and looks over at Shawn, waiting for him to start in.

Shawn smiles and shakes his head. "Silly goose, everyone knows you have to have a fireplace to hang your stockings on. And boats do not have fireplaces. Right sweetie?"

"Yes daddy," Claire answers and pats Shawn on the head "And remember the last time you got confused and thought we had a fireplace?"

"Yes!" Shawn says excitedly "I remember we got to have fun using the fire putter outer things!"

"Yes daddy," Claire says "And you did a really good job on the dishes while we waited for a new dishwasher to be installed. I still remember trying to explain to the delivery man how the last one caught fire and melted. I don't think he completely bought the bad wiring excuse."

"I'm still sorry about that honey." Shawn says "I've been doing really good lately though, no fires on the boat for 2 weeks now!"

"Yes, daddy, you are doing really good." Claire smiles "Now here's some money, I want you to run into town and get some presents while I put up the Christmas tree and lights."

"But it's not really Christmas' Shawn says "Is it? Oh dear I didn't hit my head and forget who I was for 6 months again did I?"

"No you didn't," Claire explains "But it's easier just to let mom think it is than to tell her the truth and have her sulk in bed for a week because she thinks we are 'big poopy headed meanies who don't want her to have any fun'." Claire does a squeaky little kid voice and makes air quotes.

Shawn jumps up and runs down the dock at top speed, only to make it to the end stop, look both ways, then turn back to Claire with a questioning look on his face

"Presents dad!' Claire yells down the dock "Town, that way."

Shawn does an "oh yeah" face, then gives Claire a thumbs up and dashes off in the opposite direction that Claire had just pointed.

Claire starts to call him back then shakes her head and lets him go. "He'll figure it out eventually" She says to herself "Or he won't and he'll call me from New Zealand."

Claire steps onto the boat and heads for the aft storage area. Inside the cabin she can hear Belle singing, ". . . twelve eggs a hatching, 'leven pipes a smoking, nine cans of tuna, six nieces playing, FIVE ONION RINGS!!!, four falling birds, three French toast, two purple bugs...and Keith Partridge in a treeeeeeee."

Claire closes her eyes and says her version of the serenity prayers under her breath quickly.

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the parents I cannot change, the courage to not just kill them in their sleep, and the wisdom to dump their bodies at sea and have a good alibi ready when I finally do."

I am happy to have the chance to entertain everyone who read my little blog, and thank you for your continued support.

As none of your probably know I am a big fan of another NBC show, The Office.
I participate in a fun fansite for the show where the fans of The Office get to have fun pretending we actually work at Dunder Mifflin. We belong to local branches and make friends, do tasks and earn fake money.

Anyway, while the show has been on summer break we haven't been doing much, but this last week we were given a task that involves a touch of reality.

Each branch chose a charity supported by the United Way, and we are to r
aise funds for that charity by asking our friends online and off to make a real money donation to our charity.
Our branch chose, St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. A very worthy cause IMO, because they help children who are fighting cancer without regard to their ability to pay.

I would like to ask everyone who reads and enjoys my little trips into the insane world of DOOL to make a contribution to St. Jude's.

Click on the United Way logo below if you would like to make a donation. Thanks in advance.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Dear Abby - Summer Edition

Dear Abby:
I have been involved with this guy for a while now, I'll call him "Bill" but to be honest it was going nowhere. I'm just coming out of a divorce and was hoping "Bill" would be the one.

My problem is a few days ago something happened that made me wonder if I've been making a mistake. I was in this elevator with Bill's brother, I'll call him "Lou". The elevator got stuck and well, long story short, we took a big ol' page from Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" , if you get my drift.

I'm just so confused now. I really like Lou, but wonder if it was me that got him hot or the elevator. Also I have some really weird rash on my backside and some really nasty rug burns on my knees. Could those be from the carpet in the elevator?

UPset and DOWNhearted

Dear Up and Down:

Next time take the stairs.


Dear Abby:

I am in a real dilemma. I divorced my husband to marry the son of my family's arch enemy. At the wedding my now ex-husband shot my new husband and went to prison.
Since he's been gone I started to fall for my new husband and finally decided to sleep with him. Well wouldn't you know it, as soon as I did, lo and behold my ex got released from prison and walked in on us.
Now I'm really confused about who I should be with? I love my ex, but he's such a jerk sometimes I want to kill him. I got an annulment from my new husband so I could back to my ex, but now I realize I really do have feelings for my new husband.
The three of us are living in the same house, and all we do is fight. What do I do?

Three's Not Company

Dear Three:
Next time lock the door.


Dear Abby:

I run security for a hotel and a few days ago we got some footage on our security cams of these people in two of our elevators who were. . . well let's just say maintenance is fit to be tied, as they had just cleaned those carpets.

Anyway it was some pretty hot stuff. Usually we save the best stuff we catch on our security cams for our Christmas party, but no one can agree on which couple was the hottest. How do we decide which one to use?

Ernie from Security

Dear Ernie:

Put them both on You Tube and let everyone vote. And don't forget to send me a link. I like a good laugh.


Dear Abby:

I've written to you several times about this, and I don't think you are taking me seriously. I'm the lady who's husband was thought to be dead, but then came back with no memory and a totally new personality.

I found a disc that I believe has his old personality and his memories on it, but he not only refuses to use it, he destroyed the only equipment that could play the disc.

Now I find out he's been seeing this other woman. I don't know what to do! I am getting desperate! He's my husband, I want him back the way he was NOW!

I Swear I'm Not Psychotic

Dear Not Psychotic:

1. Prozac helps.
2. Get it through your head, he's just not that into you.
3. Build a bridge, get over it.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

A 4th of July Tribute to Love

I thought about posting some lengthy blog, poking fun at DOOL.
But then I decided that was too easy, and quite frankly a waste
of a perfectly good legal holiday.

So instead for you 4th of July enjoyment,
I present a salute to the dysfunctional couples of Salem.

Enjoy, and have a happy and safe 4th!


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Wimbledumb Fun

It takes motivation and practice to make it to Wimbledumb.
So with that in mind, I present:


Thursday, June 5, 2008

Heard It Through The Grapevine

I found this rumor on a spoiler site today:

Dena Higly is planning for a shocking revelation that will rock Salem to the core. Dean Robbins(Rosco Born) is Max's biological father but he also has 2 other children; Ford Decker(Matthew Florida) is one of them. Ford was adopted when he was a baby, look for Ford to rise from the dead this summer where he unleashes revenge against his biological brother Max and the sisters of Alpha Chi Theta.

Also look for Max and Stephanie to go on an adventure to France to look for his long lost sister, Melanie. Max does not want his father or Ford anywhere near his 17 year old sister, so he sets out to find Melanie so he can protect her from becoming like his brother and father.

By the end of Summer, there will be a huge confrontation between Max and Ford. It will be up to Max with a little help from Daniel Jonas to save the girls important in their lives. Also look for Max's sister Melanie to develop a crush on Daniel, which does not set well with Max nor Chelsea; look for Chelsea and Melanie to become enemys fighting over the same guy.

That's all well and good, EXCEPT:

Back in 1988, Frankie confessed to Jen that he and Max weren't brothers. Frankie had saved Max from an abusive father, Trent. Now Trent wanted Max back. So Frankie and Max ran away to Ohio. Eventually Frankie called Jen and she went to get them. Unfortunately Trent followed her and there was a big deal with Trent demanding Max come with him. Eventually Frankie and Jen were able to convince him Max was better off with the Bradys. Trent left and Frankie, Max and Jen came back to Salem.

Not that it would make any difference to DOOL with their penchant for changing the past whenever the mood suits them.

So let's have some fun changing things up a bit shall we?

EJ is really John's son, like everyone thought in the beginning. Another of Stefano's lies. He manipulated the weak minded Susan and played on her love of Elvis to convince her he was her baby's father.

Sami is really Stefano's daughter. Since Sami is on the fast track to becoming the new Marlena, why not have some real fun with it. Eric is still Roman's child, but it will come out Marlena was drugged or kidnapped around the same time and impregnated by Stefano (artificially or naturally it doesn't matter).

Steve is really Victor's son. Hey, Vic went slumming with Caroline, back in the day. So who's to say he didn't cruise on down a little further across the tracks and jump Jo's bones?

It will be revealed that Morgan is actually the REAL Georgia Brady! Paul Hollinsworth will get shot down on the docks and with his last breath will reveal that his wife gave birth to a still born daughter the same day Billie had Georgia. He switched the babies because he didn't want his wife to have a nervous breakdown (she had a hard time getting pregnant and this was her last chance). The Benson's were Chelsea's REAL parents all along!

Jan Spears will come out of her coma and announce she and Lucas were secretly married and still are! She'll produce a marriage license and wedding video to prove her case. She'll then move into the mansion with the rest of the "Brady Bunch" and demand Lucas honor their vows.

Kayla will admit to Steve that Stephanie isn't really Stephanie. Not long after Steve "died" she moved to California and Stephanie was killed in a tragic accident. A devastated Kayla turned to friend and fellow doctor (who just happened to be working at the same hospital) Mike Horton.
She had a brief affair with him and got pregnant. Stephanie is that child.

Julie confesses to Hope that she's not her half-sister, but in reality, her mother. Back in the day, Doug had a tryst with the teenage Julie. He didn't know she was Addie's daughter, and by the time he found out it was too late. He was already married to Addie and Julie was in a home for unwed mothers having Hope. Addie put 2 and 4 together and figured things out, and agreed to not press charges or divorce Doug if Julie gave up baby Hope for them to raise as their own.

Kate will reveal to Lucas that she's not his mother! A long time ago when she was working as a cocktail waitress in a local strip club, Bill Horton used to come in all the time. He was sleeping with one of the dancers and she got pregnant. She had baby Lucas and abandoned him in the dressing room of the strip club where Kate found him one night as she was leaving work.
Bill refused to help so Kate raised Lucas on her own. And the mysterious ex-stripper who gave birth to Lucas? Maggie Horton! She was stripping on the sly and hooking up with Bill behind Mickey's back.

Now go on and tell me ANY or ALL of these possible situations aren't too far fetched for DOOL!
Is ANYTHING too far fetched for DOOL??

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The DOOL Summer Book Club

Ah Summer! Time to relax on the beach with a cool drink and a good book.

And let's face it if anyone needs a good self help book, it's the people who live in the capitol of dysfunction, yep, dear old Salem.

So here are my suggestions for books and who should be reading them.

Although there are some couples in Salem who seem to be hitting the sheets every chance they get lately , there are those who could stand to turn the heat up a might. So for Maggie and Mickey, John and Marlena, Abe and Lexi, and Bo and Hope -

Ah the kids of Salem. Most of whom wouldn't recognized their parents if they had to pick them out of a police line up, we feel your pain. So for Ciara, Johnny, Ali, Claire, Theo and the newest member of the "Moppets Without Moms & Dads" Club, Lil Joe -

Dr. Laura. Love her or hate her (there's no in-between it seems) you have to admit she tells it like it is. You may not want to hear what she has to say, and hate the way she says it, but sometimes the truth hurts. So for Chloe, Sami, Nicole, Stephanie, and Chelsea -

There are times when I truly believe the entire population of Salem could use this book, but I'll stick to the ones who need it the most. For Sami, Nick, Chelsea, Max, Stephanie, Lexi, Chloe, Nicole, Ava, and Lucas -

Then there are those who, no matter how hard they try, end up spending Valentine's day alone and miserable. Sometimes through their own fault, sometimes not. So for Nick, Victor, Ava, Chloe, Nicole and EJ -

If you don't know who needs this book, you either don't watch DOOL enough or you don't get it. For Kayla, Hope, Maggie, Marlena, Kate, Lexi and Sami -

What would we do without the Salem Psychos? As boring as DOOL can be, just think how much more boring it would be if we didn't have the stalkers, the freaks, and the obsessive! So for Ava, Chloe, Nicole, Sami and Chelsea -

There are times when I think the people of Salem wouldn't be happy if they weren't messing up their lives. So for pretty much EVERYONE in Salem -

LIES! Lies and deceit! Something tells me they are part of the Salem Charter. Although most of the population wouldn't know the truth if it slapped them up side the head, there are those who have turned it into an art form. So for the unfortunate people who end up involved with these masters of mendacity, specifically Roman, Abe, Nick, Kayla, Bo and Lucas, we recommend -

If you wanted to get rich you'd start an Anger Management class in Salem. It would be overflowing for every meeting! Even so, there are those who are worse than others in the short fuse department. For Lucas, John, Kate, Ava, Bo, Nicole and Abe -

What would DOOL be without feuds, vendettas, grudges, bones to pick, jealousies, and just plain old hard feelings. Some people handle it better than others, some never learn. For Sami, Nicole, Kate, Lucas, Chelsea and Anna -

Some girls get it when a guy doesn't call. Some girls don't And then there are the girls of Salem who take not getting it to a whole new level. For Chelsea, Nicole, Ava, Kate and Stephanie -

Even though we all danced our way through the 80's to "Addicted To Love" some of the Salem crowd took the song to heart a little too much. For Ava, Kate, Marlena, John, Sami, EJ, Lucas, Chelsea, Nicole and Chloe -

As much as men claim to be mystified as to why women always seem to fall for the "bad boys", we women are just as confused as to why the nastiest mean girls always ends up with the super nice guys. And the worst part is, they walk all over them, stomp on their hearts, dump them and leave them ruined for the rest of us. Although there is a noticeable lack of good girls in Salem, there are a few and I am sure they would love to read this book and get some answers.
For Kayla, Abby, Jennifer and Stephanie -

And last but not least. You've heard about it, you've joked about it, but until now, you never really believed it existed.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you,