Dear Abby - Summer Edition

Dear Abby:
I have been involved with this guy for a while now, I'll call him "Bill" but to be honest it was going nowhere. I'm just coming out of a divorce and was hoping "Bill" would be the one.

My problem is a few days ago something happened that made me wonder if I've been making a mistake. I was in this elevator with Bill's brother, I'll call him "Lou". The elevator got stuck and well, long story short, we took a big ol' page from Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" , if you get my drift.

I'm just so confused now. I really like Lou, but wonder if it was me that got him hot or the elevator. Also I have some really weird rash on my backside and some really nasty rug burns on my knees. Could those be from the carpet in the elevator?

Signed
UPset and DOWNhearted


Dear Up and Down:

Next time take the stairs.

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Dear Abby:

I am in a real dilemma. I divorced my husband to marry the son of my family's arch enemy. At the wedding my now ex-husband shot my new husband and went to prison.
Since he's been gone I started to fall for my new husband and finally decided to sleep with him. Well wouldn't you know it, as soon as I did, lo and behold my ex got released from prison and walked in on us.
Now I'm really confused about who I should be with? I love my ex, but he's such a jerk sometimes I want to kill him. I got an annulment from my new husband so I could back to my ex, but now I realize I really do have feelings for my new husband.
The three of us are living in the same house, and all we do is fight. What do I do?

Signed
Three's Not Company


Dear Three:
Next time lock the door.

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Dear Abby:

I run security for a hotel and a few days ago we got some footage on our security cams of these people in two of our elevators who were. . . well let's just say maintenance is fit to be tied, as they had just cleaned those carpets.

Anyway it was some pretty hot stuff. Usually we save the best stuff we catch on our security cams for our Christmas party, but no one can agree on which couple was the hottest. How do we decide which one to use?

Signed
Ernie from Security

Dear Ernie:

Put them both on You Tube and let everyone vote. And don't forget to send me a link. I like a good laugh.

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Dear Abby:

I've written to you several times about this, and I don't think you are taking me seriously. I'm the lady who's husband was thought to be dead, but then came back with no memory and a totally new personality.

I found a disc that I believe has his old personality and his memories on it, but he not only refuses to use it, he destroyed the only equipment that could play the disc.

Now I find out he's been seeing this other woman. I don't know what to do! I am getting desperate! He's my husband, I want him back the way he was NOW!
I mean RIGHT NOW! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

Signed
I Swear I'm Not Psychotic


Dear Not Psychotic:

1. Prozac helps.
2. Get it through your head, he's just not that into you.
3. Build a bridge, get over it.