Dear Abby Retires

*Dear Abby had decided the problems of the good folk of Salem are just too much for her to deal with. So she has turned in her resignation and retired to sail around the world with this lovely young couple who invited her to go with them and their daughter.

For her replacement, the staff and crew of Daze has hired the only person in Salem with any common sense. . . . . okay so we couldn't find anyone so we decided to go with guest stars.

This week: Dear Dr. Phil
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Dear Dr. Phil,

My husband is a lawyer. To be honest I didn't even know he was a lawyer when we got married, but that's not important right now.
Things have been difficult but we were working through our problems until recently, when he took on a client that I absolutely can't stand.

She's a loud, mouthy, obnoxious, , manipulative, lying bitch, who does nothing but cause trouble everywhere she goes.
She broke my brother's heart and stole my husband. She made my life a living hell from the moment I met her, and I thought I was rid of her until she came back to town to suck her last husband dry.

I mean how am I supposed to take care of my kids and have a normal life when I know she's out there plotting against me. I know she is going to try and steal my husband, even though it's really a marriage of convenience, but that's not the point. He's MY husband! And contrary to what everyone seems to think, I am NOT jealous. I just don't want her to go anywhere near my husband.

I gave him an ultimatum. Her or me, and the kids of course, but mostly NOT her. And I am not jealous, really.

Not Jealous Wife


Dear Not Jealous,
So ya married a guy you claim you don't love and now your panties are in a bunch because he's got a hot blonde for a client?

How's that workin' for ya? It's not is it? Didn't think so. Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you. Think about it.

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Dear Dr. Phil,

My dad was really sick recently and needed a transplant. Lucky me, I was the only one who was a match, so naturally I freaked out and ran away. Eventually they found me and I felt so guilty about everything, I gave in and gave my dad part of my pancreas.

The doctor who did the operation is this major league hottie, who I just can't stop thinking about. He's so smart and cool. I can't stop thinking about him.
Okay, so I have a boyfriend who is like all devoted to me but he's just so, well normal and boring. Dr. Hottie just makes me want to rip his clothes off and ...well you get the idea. It's like the difference between milk and a shot of tequila. What do I do?

Bewildered Bimbo


Dear Bimbo,
Congrats on picking a great name there honey, because that's pretty much what you are, among other things. Just remember the most you get is what you ask for. You might end up with this doctor, but is he what you really want?
It's time to get real. Pick a side and play ball.
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Dear Dr. Phil,

I wrote to Dear Abby, but she was no help with all her common sense answers and such.

My husband was kidnapped by an evil genius who erased his memory. I thought he was dead, but my daughter's husband betrayed his family and told us my husband was alive.

Now all I want is my old husband back. Okay so this new guy is all rich and gives me diamonds and is way funnier and cooler than my husband ever was, but I don't want that. I want the man I married. The man who kissed my ass constantly and rolled over and played dead or whatever else I told him to .
This guy thinks too much. That's not working for me.

What do I do about this? Hook up with my husband who is not my husband? Or leave my husband, and get someone else?

Married To A Stranger

Dear Married,
Life is a marathon, it's not a sprint. Remember that. What are you in such an all fired hurry for? He's your husband, he's just not your door mat anymore.
And you can't handle that can you?
Remember the quickest way from A to B is not always at the most feverish pace. Deal with it.

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Dear Dr. Phil,

I am so mad at my boyfriend. He left me at the alter a couple years ago, and I have been tracking him down ever since.

I find him only to find out he has this other wife and she's all pregnant and saying he loves her and not me. I know this isn't true. I am so much hotter than her, and younger too. But he won't listen to me. He says he was brainwashed when we were together, and he never really loved me. How can he say that? I know it's not true, he loved me then and he still loves me. He just forgot.

I kidnapped his wife so he would come after her and then see me and remember how much he loves me more than he could ever ever ever love her.
He does love me, I know he does. He has to. I'll kill myself, NO I'll kill him if he doesn't say he loves me. That will show him. I'm not someone he can just use and toss aside!!! Yeah that lady in Fatal Attraction had it right! She just wussed out and couldn't kill the wife. I'm not making that mistake. The voices in my head know what they are talking about. They wouldn't lie to me!!! Not like HE did!
If I can't have him, NO WOMAN CAN!!!!!


But I'm Not Bitter

Dear Bitter,

You're right in the middle of downtown meltdown here. You're only lonely if you aren't there for you. And it seems like you are almost too there for you, if you catch my drift.

And now you're going to kill him because you can't have him. Well all I have to say about that, is just remember you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater if the septic tank is full.

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Dear Dr. Phil,

My marriage is in real trouble and I need your help. My husband came up with this hair brained idea of sailing around the world so we could re-connect as a couple. My first clue this was a stupid idea was, we didn't even have a boat!
So I talked my dad into giving us one, and we left. Well things have just gone from bad to catastrophic!

My moron husband can't sail. He can't even sail a toy boat in a bathtub without sinking it! What was I thinking? How did I get myself into this mess?
All we do is fight. He does something stupid, I yell at him for it, he says I'm being nit picky, I say he's acting like an idiot, he tells me if I don't like it why don't I just go back to Phillip (my ex), I tell him I would if we weren't out here in the middle of nowhere on the Titanic, he says that shows what I know, the Titanic sank in the Atlantic ocean and he's pretty sure we aren't in the Atlantic ocean, and he'll tell me for sure when he finds those big letters they show on the map that say Atlantic Ocean.

What do I do! He's driving me insane out here.

Shanghaied And Hating It


Dear Shanghaied,

It's like I always say: Instead of asking whether they way you are living, behaving or thinking is "right" I want you to ask if the way you are living, behaving and thinking is working or not working.

You have to name it before you can claim it. Get clear about what you want, and take your turn. You either get it or you don't. Be one of those who gets it.