Claire Explains It All

MEMORANDUM

To: Shane Donovan - ISA Director
From: Ciara Brady - Senior Agent
Re: De-Briefing of Agent Claire Kiriakis on Mission Fancy Face IV
____________________________________________________________________

The following is a transcript of the oral de-briefing session regarding the events that occurred during the final weeks of the Fancy Face IV investigation.


Agent Kiriakas:

Testing..is this on?
My name is Claire Kiriakis and I am a senior agent working for the ISA.
During the months of March 2008 through August 2008 I was a passenger on the vessel Fancy Face IV.
My mission was to monitor the events that happened on the vessel and insure the subjects Belle and Shawn Brady (hereafter referred to as BB and SB) did not become involved in any international incidents that might cause a breach in our nation's security.

The voyage began uneventfully, with BB spending the bulk of her day on deck sunning herself and painting her toenails, while SB pretended to know what he was doing with regard to the navigation of the journey.

The second day out, SB dropped the batteries for the GPS system overboard and since he neglected to purchase back up batteries, attempted to navigate without it.
I tried to give hints on how to use the ocean charts and maps provided by the Coast Guard when the vessel left Salem Harbor, however SB disregarded all suggestions.
I felt any further attempts would jeopardize my cover.

After being forced to witness BB and SB engage in what only can be described as high school make-out sessions for hours at a time, while allowing the vessel to drift aimlessly, I came to the conclusion if the situation were allowed to continue we would all be dead within a week.

Every night after BB and SB would go to sleep I would spend several hours correcting SB navigational mistakes and plotting a new course for the next day. While under normal circumstances this plan would have worked, I underestimated the power of complete ignorance and SB's sheer stupidity. Every morning SB would take the vessel off its charted course and sail in the opposite direction. The result being we were traveling in a circle with a radius of approximately 100 miles. Since we were only 50 miles outside the confines of Salem Harbor I decided to let it continue and hoped eventually we would eventually end up back in Salem. I was incorrect in my assumption.

By the end of the second month BB had started drinking heavily. I discovered a bottle of the medication Xanax in her bag and determined her behavior although altered, was no where near as dangerous as SB's.

The following is an abbreviated list of what can only be described cataclysmicly ignorant acts.

1. Used all but a few gallons of the vessel's fresh water supply to fill an inflatable swimming pool. SB's reasoning was that we were surrounded by all the water we could ever need (referring to the ocean) but he didn't like swimming in it because it "tasted nasty".

2. Couldn't figure out how to turn on the vessel's on-board navigational computer.

3. Turned off the vessel's radio because it "gave him a headache".

4. Spent hours each day randomly turning the wheel and singing Popeye the Sailor, Sea Cruise, and the theme from Gilligan's Island. At the end of the latter he would spin the wheel several times to simulate the shows credits.

5. Had to be stopped several times from trying to re-create the "riding a knife down the sail" scene from old pirate movies.

6. Chipped 2 teeth diving off the side of the vessel with a knife clenched in his teeth. Again trying to re-create a scene from a pirate movie.

7. Built a fire directly on the deck because he wanted to make 'smores by a real campfire.

After months of enduring this behavior, along with BB's daily bouts of catatonia from drinking her "mommy juice", I decided to break character and risk blowing my cover by contacting headquarters for help. I had just made contact using my cell phone, when BB walked in on me. She was easy enough to get rid of, but after this incident I could not find my phone anywhere. I attempted to persuade BB to help me find it, only to find out she had hidden it until I could learn how to "take my nap nap like I am supposed to instead of playing on my toy phone".

During the final 2-3 weeks BB began to make a series of attempts to kill SB by pushing him overboard. Each time he was able to re-board the vessel, but something told me it was just a matter of time.

On the final night a small storm had blown in and we were below deck waiting for it to pass. After one particularly brilliant lightening strike followed by an enormous thunder clap, BB lost it completely. She began babbling over and over, "all boat and no land make Belle kill Shawn". After close to an hour of this, she came out of the galley with a large knife and lunged at SB. He got away from her and ran up to the deck.
Through the window I could see them fighting but lost sight of them after the lightening stopped.

I waited until morning to go out on deck and found it empty. I searched for them for several hours then contacted the Coast Guard via the radio.

I can only surmise the two of them fell overboard during their struggle and are either lost at sea or dead.

The opinion of this agent is Belle and Shawn Brady were both together and singularly a waste of space on this planet and we are all better off without them.

One final note: As the Coast Guard prepared to tow the Fancy Face IV back to Salem Harbor I could have sworn I saw a large cigar shaped object with brightly colored lights around it, dip down in the area where SB and BB went overboard then rise back up quickly and disappear into the sky. I attribute this sighting to lack of sleep and fatigue.



I hereby swear the account of this incident is true to the best of my recollection.

Claire Kiriakis
Sr. ISA Agent.