Lost In Space

On board the alien space ship; Lt. Ga stands outside the Captain's quarters, trying to decide what to say. He paces back and forth, trying several approaches.
"Captain Za, before I start I just want you to know, it was not my fault." (Starting out with an apology is never good, Ga thinks.)

"Good morning Captain! Wow have you lost weight?" (Sucking up? Can you say fast track to the worst job on the ship? Watching DOOL and explaining the episodes to the Captain in a way that makes them sound interesting. Ga had heard horror stories about past unfortunates who had to be committed to insane asylums after only a few weeks.)

"Captain Za, you're going to laugh when you hear this, remember the two earth creatures we picked up a while back?" (Why would he laugh? It's not funny.)

"Now see here Captain Za, I have done the best I could in this situation, so don't go blaming me!" (Directly to the offensive? Never good.)

Ga began to bang his head slowly on the wall, when suddenly the intercom outside the Captain's door popped on.

"Ga, I know you are out there, I've been watching for the past hour. Just give up and get in here. I know all about it." Za's voice was measured and careful.

Ga swallowed hard and stepped into the Captain's office. Za was sitting behind a floating desk with hundreds of monitor screens floating behind him. Each screen was alive with activity. Some shots of earth, some showing the various parts of the ship, and one permanently set to Cartoon Network, (Za had a thing for the Venture Brothers and Robot Chicken)

"Before you start with excuses, I want you to know I am fully aware of the situation with the Earthlings." Za began

"ALL of them sir?" Ga asks

"Yes ALL of them" Za replies mocking Ga "What I want to know is, has ANYONE come up with a plan to get RID of them?"

"Well sir, a few of the crew would like to keep the one called Belle, just to see what she'll do next." Ga says "Kind of like a pet."

"Even after she crashed the navigation system because she wanted the 'Christmas lights' to stop blinking? " Za asks "Or do they think her incessant whining in that high pitched voice of hers will eventually stop making crew members' heads explode?"

Ga says nothing just looks around the room nervously.

"Let's run down a few more of the 'dynamic duo's' exploits shall we?" Za waves his hand and one of the computer screens moves forward, and expands to the size of a 60 inch flat panel TV. "I've even recorded them in HD for your viewing pleasure" Za says sarcastically. He waves his hand again and video of Belle and Shawn starts to play.

"Here's their first day here" Za says "Notice how Shawn keeps trying to beat up the crew who are trying to attach a translation device so he can understand us when we talk. And look, here's the first time Belle's voice makes one of the crew's head explode. Notice the look of confusion on his face right before his head turns into a glob of goo, oozing down the wall."

Ga wants to turn away from the screen but he can't. It's like an episode of DOOL, you want to stop watching but you just can't!

"Oh look, Shawn is going to try to drive the ship." Za continues "Oops, how did he know a giant asteroid the size of Neptune would hurt the ship if he crashed into it? But then again we hadn't had to use the abandon ship alarm in so long. And isn't it nice to know the escape pods really work."

"Sir for the record, I want you to know it was NOT my turn at the helm that day, so I am NOT the one who gave him permission." Ga says

"Noted" Za says "Oh oh, here's my favorite! Belle running around the ship looking for 'Claire'. That of course was before we figured out 'Claire' was her offspring and to be fair she didn't know in our language, claire means a male sexual organ. Look look, she's about to say it...'Claire! I need Claire! Please just give me Claire! I'll do ANYTHING, please!' Oh my I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard."

Za waves his hand and the video screen goes blank, and shrinks back to normal size before returning to it's place on the wall.

"Now, what is so important that you felt you had to stand outside my door and rehearse what to say for so long." Za asks

Ga sighs "Captain, we have just discovered Belle and Shawn have escaped. Now that in and of itself might not be a bad thing, except they found the matter transporter and have transported themselves to our home planet."

Za stares at Ga in disbelief "AND? Oh God do I really want to know?"

"Well that depends" Ga says "Oh the upside our planet is still there..."

"JUST SPIT IT OUT! Za shouts

"Sir, please remember, no one could have foreseen this disaster." Ga says "Our King was sure he had planned for every possible type of attack. At least every LOGICAL one."

Za closes his eyes and pinches between them as if he has suddenly developed a migraine. "Go on."

"Well Belle and Shawn managed to transport themselves into the medical facility in our capitol city. Once there, Shawn grabbed what he assumed was a weapon out of one of the labs." Ga says

"Do I want to know what it was?" Za asks "Keep going."

"The thing Shawn grabbed was in reality a DNA transference device." Ga explains "Even if he had known what it was, he wouldn't have understood it's purpose. On Earth they still reproduce sexually. We of course did away with that method centuries ago since it often led to unplanned reproduction and inferior DNA matches. I believe it was your ancestor who first separated reproduction and sex wasn't it sir?"

"Yes, about 10 generations back, on my mother's side." Za says "She was so disappointed when I chose exploring other worlds over becoming a doctor or a research scientist. But I just couldn't handle all those guys in college who called me 'the grandson of sex'. The separation of sex and reproduction was the best thing that ever happened to our civilization. It made us superior. Okay, stop trying to distract me, keep going with your report."

"Well, Shawn didn't know how to use the DNA extractor at first, but never underestimate the power of stupidity." Ga says "He not only figured it out, he turned the setting to FULL. As in no DNA filters, bad traits as well as good would be transferred."

"OH GOD NO" Za's eyes grew wide "He didn't figure out how to . . . "

"Yes, sir" Ga says "I am afraid he figured out how to shoot it. And in the process with each shot, transferring his DNA into any fertile female of our species rendering her instantly pregnant."

"How, how how" Za can barely speak "How many?"

"Our best estimate is just over 100." Ga says "There was some sort of concert going on in the convention center across the street from the hospital. And Shawn somehow ended up on stage..."

All Za can do at this point is moan.

"Shawn got the device stuck on constant auto-fire" Ga continues "And it took several minutes before security was able to subdue him and turn the device off. The center was locked down quickly, and all women inside are undergoing pregnancy tests as we speak."

"And Belle?" Za asks "Go ahead, I can take anything at this point."

"Well that's the bright side to this, if you can call it that." Ga says "Security was able to distract her with some shiny things, and lure her into a personality re-programming module. Once inside technicians managed to access the few working brain cells she has and increase their capacity to store information. It took some doing, but they think with a few more sessions Belle could be retrained to be a productive member of our society."

Captain Za heaves a heavy sigh, and goes to a small panel in the wall of his quarters. He pushes a few buttons, some lights flash and a glass appears in his hand. He downs the contents in one gulp and repeats the process.

"So within the next year we will be up to your elbows in half human moron babies correct?" Za asks

"Our scientists are working right now to adapt the personality re-programmer for pre-natal use." Ga says "They are hopeful at least some of the babies will be born normal. With a reasonable amount of intelligence. But they aren't sure they can eliminate the anger issues."

"So we'll be surrounded by babies who need anger management classes" Za says "I am not sure that's much better."

"Well the King had an idea, but it would depend on your being willing to help." Ga says

"What can I do?" Za asks "Take the babies back to earth?"

Ga is quiet.

"You aren't serious! Where would we take them?" Za asks

"The King thinks we could take them all back to Salem. We would have to use the time travel device, but we could take the babies and re-locate them one at a time at various points in Salem history. If we did 1 or 2 a year, no one would notice." Ga explains

"But what about the gene pool? Won't that play havoc with it?" Za asks

"Well from what we can tell," Ga says "the people of Salem aren't exactly equipped with a full set of chromosomes as it is. Everyone is already related to everyone, so it won't be that big of a deal."

"Well then," Za sighs "I guess that's the plan. Of course the King will issue a decree that forbids any further exploration of Earth, I am sure."

"Already drafted and signed." Ga says

"Okay then, I guess the only thing left to do is wait for the babies to be born." Za says "We'll have to retro-fit the ship with cribs and hire some babysitters."

"I have the plans on the ship's computer, and will start interviewing babysitters next week." Ga says "Anything else before I go?"

"Yes," Za says "Once this is all over, you will NEVER EVER let me hear the names Shawn and Belle again. Correct?"

"No idea who you're talking about sir." Ga replies