Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I'm in love with a wonderful girl. She's smart, beautiful and so far out of my league I never in a million years thought I'd ever get a girl like her.

The problem is she seems to have forgotten I even exist lately.
She had to have an operation and now she's hanging all over this really handsome charming doctor guy.

I'm not jealous or anything, it's just that this guy is everything a girl would ever want. Handsome, rich, charming, totally ripped, eyes you could get lost in, a smile that lights up a room, and so smart! I mean this guy just did a surgery so complicated only a handful of doctors in the world have ever attempted it. And he just stepped in and did it. It was so amazing, I just get all sweaty and nervous whenever I think about his strong hands hold that scalpel. His voice, so calming and sure, telling me everything will be okay. Um I mean when he tells his patients every thing will be okay.

Like I said, I'm not jealous, but what do I do about this guy. Going after my girl I mean.

Really Confused



Dear Confused,
I think your signature says it all. And if you can't figure out what THAT means, there's this river in Egypt you need to look up.
I think maybe your girlfriend isn't the one interested in this "Dr Hottie".

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Dear Abby,

I have written to you before about the situation with my neighbors and how I think they are neglecting their daughter, but things have gotten much much worse and I really don't know what to do.

I am hesitant to turn them in as they are both police officers in my town. Or at least that's what they say they are. I never see either one of them doing any "official" police work.

Every day they leave for work or whatever, and neither one of them has the child.
So that means she's alone in the house. I try to peep into the windows to see if I can see her in there, and I think I hear voices once in a while, but I never see anything.

Now both parents have been gone for over 3 weeks and I am really starting to get worried. I know someone is in there, because I see lights on at night and the TV on during the day. But no one ever comes or goes. It's really strange.
Can this little girl be living there all alone? How could that happen?

Do I call CPS? Do I go over there and knock on the door? Or do I just keep minding my own business? I don't want to be nosy or anything.

Not-nosy Neighbor


Dear Neighbor,

It's been 3 weeks and you are just NOW STARTING to get worried?

Nice try. I know a fake letter when I see one, and this one isn't even a good one. A child alone for 3 weeks, yeah right.

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Dear Abby,

I am having a real problem with my husband. We've been married for over 30 years and I love him dearly. But lately he has changed. So much so that he's just not the man I married.

He was gone for a while working on a case for his law firm. Now he's back and it's weird, but I almost don't recognize him anymore.

He swears he didn't have any "work" done while he was gone, but so much about him has changed. The worst is this new toupee' he has. Abby I swear the man skinned a poodle and glued it on top of his head. It's just awful. I mean like train wreck awful. I can't not stare at it.

And speaking of staring; he has this George Hamilton "man tan" as well. If feel like my husband left and this geriatric Ken doll has taken his place. Frankly it's creeping me out. What do I do?

PS: I am sending along a picture of the two of us so you can see what I mean.
Here we are:









Mrs. Tan Poodleman


Dear Mrs. Poodleman,

Umm sorry but, Pot meet Kettle.
Okay, I see what you mean about the rug, eww.
You can call your husband a "geriatric Ken doll" all you want, but the truth is you're looking a lot like "Botox Barbie". Stop worrying about it and concentrate on keeping you both out of direct sunlight.

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Dear Abby,

I have a horrible problem and really need your help.

My boyfriend disappeared a year or so ago and I just now managed to track him down. The problem is he is claiming he was under some kind of mind control and had amnesia the entire time we were together. He says he has this wife and kid he forgot all about, and now he's back with her and they are having another kid!

I know he loves me, I just know it. He has to! He told me! He wouldn't lie to me. I know he wouldn't. It's his so called wife. She's keeping us apart. She is poisoning his mind against me. I know he loves me. He wants me back I am sure of it. The voices in my head tell me all the time how much he loves me. And they wouldn't lie.

I have kidnapped his wife and just need to figure out what to do with her. He can't love her as much as he loves me. He's just pretending to love her. He really loves ME! I can tell by the way he looks at me when I hold a gun to his head.

My only real problem is the voices in my head can't agree on how I should kill this broad. One says "Just shoot her", another says "Poison her" and still another says "Stab her". Then there are the ones who just sit there and laugh. They are making the ones who sit there and cry really angry. It's just so hard to concentrate when they all argue like that.

My question is: If I buy the Prada bag, will it go with my new Gucci shoes? Or maybe I should just leave the purple cat alone with the black dog. The dog does keep saying KILL KILL KILL KILL, but how do I know he's talking about Krispy Kreme Donuts? And what color is the number 5?

Queen Anastasia


Dear Queen,
Listen very carefully dear. Take the BLUE pill. Two of the Orange will not help.

I also need you to write back with your real return address so I can send a birthday card to the black dog. Some friends of mine in white jackets will be delivering it. Watch for them. Don't worry about the ambulance they drive up in. They will be coming right from work and won't have time to pick up their normal car. Oh and my friends are quite the merry pranksters! You may have to go out and search the ambulance for the card, they love hiding things like that.
Be sure to climb all the way in and look for it really well.
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