One Day In Heaven
An Angel went to talk to God.
"Lord, I have some problems with my charges in this town."
"I'm listening" said God
"Well, as you know, I am in charge of Salem. And frankly I am having a lot of problems." said the Angel
"Ah yes" replied God "The Bradys and the Dimeras, two good Catholic families, what problems could you possibly be having?"
"Lord.....THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! You don't know what I've been through with these wackos!" the angel was freaking out
"Angel 666! Have some self control! Now tell me what's going on" said God
The angel took a deep breath and tried to explain.
"Okay Lord, first there's the staying dead problem" the angel began
"Staying dead? I don't understand, how do you not stay dead?" asked God
"That's what I said when the Angel of Death first told me" began the angel "He was doing his job, but these people keep coming back! He was blaming me for messing up his count. People die and then a few years later, the come back! Sometimes they're entirely different people but they're back."
"Different people? I don't follow you" said God
"Okay, see Roman died, but then he came back, but he wasn't Roman he was John, but then John wasn't John he was Forrest who died when he was a kid"
explained the angel
"And then Steve was dead for like 20 years but he wasn't dead he was just brainwashed." the angel continued "And we can't seem to keep Stefano dead no matter what we do! Poison, stabbing, bullets, disease, this guy won't stay gone"
"Hmm, I bet his life insurance premiums are insane" mumbled God "continue please"
"And then there's the problem of trying to sort out who's kid is whose. I know there's only supposed to be one mother and one father, but once we decide who they are, something happens to change it. How are we supposed to keep the records straight?" the angel went on "Sami Brady for instance, her twins father is supposed to be Lucas but there's been talk at least one is EJ's. And Claire who was Phillip's is Shawn's, but the baby that was Shawn's is really Phillip's, and the test tube alien kids who are Kate and Roman's but they didn't know they had them . . ."
"A regular DNA cesspool huh?"quipped God "Sorry, go on"
"Well at least everyone has been a serial killer at one time or another." the angel continued "and kidnappings are a daily event."
"But those are crimes" said God "what about the police?"
"Oh the Salem PD," sighed the Angel "yeah, well they mostly run around coming up with 'brilliant plans' that always fail and get people killed. That's probably due to the fact that anyone who wants to can just 'be' a cop."
"Is that it?" asked God, rubbing his face
"OH NO" said the Angel "There's the adventures! Buried alive, embryo stealing, drugs, insanity, theft, lies, rapes, double crosses, triple crosses, incest, affairs, secret marriages, fake weddings, space aliens, time travel, demonic possession . . "
"Okay now stop! You're giving me a headache" said God
"But Lord, I have to deal with this town every day! I'm telling you I can't do it any more, I need help!"
"Okay, obviously there's a problem here, lets slow down and.."
Another angel flies up with a phone in his hand, "Phone call for you Father"
"Oh, okay..hello?" God says "Hello? Is anyone there?"
A maniacal laugh comes from the phone. It gets louder and louder.
God and the angel look at each other puzzled, then stare at the phone.
Suddenly God gets a shocked look of realization on his face. His hand shaking he puts the phone up to his ear.....
"Andre?" God whispers in a trembling voice "Andre is that you?"
The laughter continues.....
next
posted by Deb at
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God slowly sets down the phone and ponders what to do. He suddenly pulls himself up straight and points down through the clouds.
All of Salem is in awe to see a giant finger in the air, they scramble, call loved ones and seek shelter.
The tip of God's finger touches the steeple of St. Luke's. Instead of sending a lightning bolt down to smite the Salemites he simple flicks the church over onto it's side.
Father Jansen emerges from the upturned building and whips out his cell phone. He punches *3. [He has All Good Hands Insurance on speed dial.]
Insurance Agent Howe Cheetim answers the phone, listens for a minute, puts his hand over the receiver and turns to his assistant. "Sally, turn on the tape recorder. We have another live one from that church in Salem. You know, the one with the constant blackouts, levitations, motorcycles through the stained glass."
"Hoo Ha", cackles Sally. "That bunch sure keeps the guys in stitches at the annual convention for insurance agents."
Meanwhile, the Lord thinks he has things in hand in Salem. He turns his attention to other hot spots in the universe.
The angel who brought him the tales of woe starts back down to Earth. He takes cell phone attached to a tape recorder out of his robe, turns it off and then peels off a mask.....Andre!
"Angel" Andre laughs as he hurries down the chaotic streets of Salem.
People are running all over, panic stricken.
Lucas, man of action that he is, stand in the middle of Salem place yelling "What's going on? Sami! Explain this to me! It's about the vendetta isn't it?"
Sami comes out of the ice cream shop with a triple decker banana split. She is 11 mos pregnant now, and can barely walk.
She sits, wolfing down the ice cream and talks between mouthfuls.
"Oh Lucuth, ith okay, EJ ith not ere"
"Yes I am darling" says EJ, appearing on cue as always.
"Lucas dear boy, why don't you go see what all the excitement's about. I'll stay here and watch Samantha."
Lucas stares and wanders off.
Suddenly Sami drops her ice cream.
She grabs her stomach and groans.
"Too much chocolate sauce my dear?" asks EJ
"NO, I'M IN LABOR" shrieks Sami
"GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!!"
EJ, takes her arm and walks her across the street to his car. They get in and start to drive. As they drive away Lucas comes back and stares at the ice cream on the ground.
"Sami!! Sami where are you!! SAMI!! ANSWER ME!!"
Andre thinks to himself, "I sure pulled a fast one on him!"
Meanwhile the "Lord," after his visit with Andre, slowly reaches up and pulls of his mask - Stefano! He cackles, "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I sure pulled a fast one on him."
God himself watches the whole sordid scene, which has piqued his interest about this place called Salem. He decides he'd better check it out hiself. He makes a few calls and finds out practically the entire history of Salem is chronicled in a second rate TV show, Days Of Our Lives. God surfs over to Amazon.com and orders the entire set.
A few days later... (God had to use supersaver shipping - times are tough everywhere)... the set arrives. God unwraps season one, puts it in the DVD, pops some corn and sits down to watch.
A few hours later, God has completed the entire set. Hey, this is God we're talkin' 'bout here. He can do that kind of thing. Besides, the DVD set had the commercials cut out which enabled them to get over 40 years of viewing down to a managable level. Then, allowing for the time wasted with NBC breaking in with important news like the progress of the president's diarrhea, even mere mortals can watch the entire set in about six hours.
Anyway, God finishes watching the entire history of Salem. The credits roll. The screen goes black. God sits in silence. Silence... Silence... Finally, still shocked, he speaks, "And I thought Sodom and Gomorrah were cespools."
"That does it," says God, "I've got to do something about this. And here's exactly what I'm going to do..."
Alice Horton is pouring coffee for her husband, Dr. Tom. He's got only a short time before he heads to the hospital for his morning rounds.
"A donut, dear?" asks Alice.
"No thank you, Alice. They smell wonderful as always but I overslept and can only take a few swallows of your great coffee."
And with that he heads out the door. Alice calls to Bill and Marie they have to hurry to get ready for school. Tommy and Addie were already out of the house.
"Oh dear" thinks Alice. "I didn't have time to tell Tom about the strange dreams I had last night. About those odd families living here in Salem with their kidnappings, coming back from the dead, devil possessions and the rest. I'll have to remember to tell him tonight, he'll get a kick out of it."
And so, with a snap of God's fingers, the entire town of Salem was back to when everything was normal. Hey, he had to do the same thing for a family called Ewing in Dallas. A whole year that turned into a dream was simple compared to this mess. Maybe this time Salem will continue to be just a small midwestern town and get it right.
All is well in the little town of Salem.
But.......
Deep in the bowels of Hell, in a dark corner stands a small figure.
He watches in a small crystal ball as the good people of Salem go about their daily lives.
40 years.....he mutters......40 years of work, all gone.
Suddenly he smashes the ball against a rock. It shatters into 1000 pieces.
The creature stands and looks at the glass shards for a few minutes then starts pulling on a pair of black
leather
gloves..........................
Andre turns slowly and looks up.
"Time to go to work."
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