John's Big Secret

Brady Black sits sipping a tropical drink on a secluded beach.
A waiter walks up to him with a note on a small silver tray. Brady reads it and sighs.

"Thank you Evan," Brady says to the waiter "I'll deal with this."

"Yes sir" Evan says "But the caller did say it was urgent"

"I know, Evan , I know all too well" Brady answers

Evan walks away and Brady stares into the ocean. After a few moments he picks up his cell phone from the table next to his chair and dials a number.

A voice answers.

"Get the plane ready, I need to take a trip" Brady hangs up the phone and finishes his drink.

Several hours later, Brady arrives at the Dimera mansion. He lets himself in with a key and goes to the lab. He goes directly to the file cabinet and takes out a small envelope. He reaches in and pulls out a disc labeled John Black, memories.

He pockets the disc and leaves. Not long afterwards he arrives at Marlena's penthouse. Before he can ring the bell, John opens the door.

"Hurry up, before someone sees you" John says

"Okay, I'm here, now what?" Brady says

"Did you get the disc?" John asks

"Yes, I did, but if you've been faking all this, why do you need it?" Brady says

"That's my secret" John gives Brady his new improved "anti-squint" which consists of that creepy smile he has now and a raised eyebrow.

John walks into the next room where Belle is tied up in a chair with those Star Trek Jordie glasses on.

John walks over to the wall and opens a panel revealing a video screen and a bunch of electronic boxes. He opens one and inserts his disk, then takes another disc and puts it into the box next to it.

"What's going on?" Brady asks "What are you going to do to Belle?"

John goes to a computer terminal and starts typing. "Your sister is the key to my master plan." he explains as he types "Marlena succeeded in turning my brother Stefano into a vegetable, just like I planned. She's so easy to manipulate, it's almost pathetic. Now that he's out of the way, I can finally take over the Dimera dynasty, just like our father always planned. Stefano always liked to call me 'the Pawn' when in reality HE was the one who was the pawn all these years.
Our father knew Stefano would seek revenge for his death. But what he didn't count on was my mother knowing every move he made and planning for it."

"So all these years, Grandma Colleen has been behind all those times Stefano's plans failed" Brady asks

"Yep" John says "And now it's time for me to take over."

"What does Belle have to do with all this?" Brady asks

"She will take all my memories. She will know everything I knew. And once she does she will be able to use my memories to find the real Marlena."

"The REAL Marlena?" Brady asks "What are you talking about? She's my step- mother, don't you think I'd know my own step-mother?"

"Nope" John finishes his typing "The woman you think is your step-mother is actually one of 5 clones, Stefano made years ago. They have been switching back and forth over the years. Haven't you ever wondered why your step-mother was an intelligent sane woman one minute, a raving shrew the next, and a freaky sex maniac the next? Well not that the sex maniac one wasn't fun..." John gets a little grin on his face "...but the point is, they were all different clones."

Brady struggles to keep from gagging at the mention of his mom being a sex freak, but manages to keep it under control. "So you know where my real step-mother is?"

"Nope, but it's buried somewhere in my memory" John adjusts the glasses on Belle "And once I download them all into your sister, she will remember and we can go rescue her."

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Brady asks

"Well, first we have to empty Belle of all the memories she has now. Then download all mine. We can't take the chance that her memories might mix with mine and change them somehow. Ok, this is ready."

John pushes the button on the box to start the video, and hits enter on the computer to start the program.

Belle sits in the chair giggling, "Ohh bunnies! I like bunnies. Aww, and kitties, so cute. I want to pet the kitty!!"

"What is she watching?" Brady asks

"I don't know" John looks concerned "Those aren't the images associated with this program."

John goes to the computer and checks it, suddenly an alarm sounds. The monitor screen goes red and the word FATAL ERROR comes up, flashing.

"What the Hell?" John works frantically to find out what the problem is.

"OH puppies!!" Belle gushes "puppies on fluffy white clouds, and look theres a unicorn!! And all the rainbows are so pretty!!"

"Whats wrong!! What's going on?" Brady starts to freak

"It's the program," John says "It's supposed to remove thoughts and memories from her brain, but it's saying there's nothing there. In fact it's a VACUUM!! A Void!! It's sucking out the computer's memory."

"What? I don't understand?" Brady says

"A vacuum!" John yells as sparks start to shoot out of the boxes "Like a black hole. So empty it's drawing in everything around it. An emptiness so vast nothing can ever fill it!!"

"You're saying Belle's brain is so empty...it's a black hole!?" Brady gasps

"Yes!" John frantically tries to shut down the system, as smoke starts to pour out of the computer "Her brain is pulling the entire contents of the computer's hard drive into itself and ....and .....destroying it. Making it not exist! Making it just GONE!"

John grabs Belle out of the chair ripping the glasses off her. "RUN! IT'S GOING TO BLOW!!" He yells.

Brady starts to leave, then remember the disc with John's memories, "DAD! What about your memories?"

"Leave them! I can make another copy off the hard drive of Stefano's computer! NOW RUN!"

They make it out of the penthouse just in time. The explosion rocks the entire building. Brady, John and Belle sit in the hallway, panting.

"That was fun Daddy!! Can we do it again?" Belle chirps

"No tink" John says, "Not today, not ever"

Dear Abby - The Return

*To my readers, after a well deserved rest, in a secluded location, with lots of tequila, I have returned to once again answer your letters and solve your problems, if possible.

Dear Abby:
I have a real problem. I keep getting into relationships with my nieces. Before you
freak, I need to tell you, I was adopted so these girls aren't really my blood relations, so it's all good. But it's not.
At first I went out with my brother's daughter. Well he's not really my brother because my adopted mom had an affair with another guy so my adopted father isn't even my brother's father. Anyway, I went out with this girl for almost a year and finally dumped her because she turned into a real tease, if you know what I mean.
Then I went out with my sister's daughter, but we broke up because she was just too boring and clingy. A guy's gotta have standards you know.
After that I went out with my sister's husband's niece. But everyone in the family freaked out because I'm so much older than her. Which of course made it that much hotter, but in the end I dumped her because she wouldn't put out.
Now I think I want to get back with my sister's daughter because she went away for a while and when she came back she was like, well an entirely different person, for lack of a better explanation.
The problem is, this other girl I'm not related to, really likes me.
How do I get her to do a DNA test so I can switch the results and make her my niece?

Uncle Horny


Dear Uncle Horny;
There's a special place in Hell for guys like you. Bring sunblock. Lots of it.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
My husband is a cop. I used to be a cop and now I have decided to go back to being one. I love helping people. I love to find out all their deepest secrets and then discuss them with all my friends and then give them great advice on how they should do exactly what I say. Everyone thinks I am awesome.
My problem is, I have this nagging feeling I am forgetting something.
I keep finding baby toys and packages of diapers around the house and there is this room upstairs with a crib in it.
I have no idea why I would have all these things, but I just can't seem to bring myself to get rid of them.
What do you think?

Mrs. Top Cop

Dear Mrs.
In a few minutes you'll hear a knock on your door. Answer it and do exactly what the nice social workers tell you. You'll thank me for this.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,
I divorced my husband and married the son of my enemy to end a family feud.
At my wedding my ex-husband shot my current husband. My ex is now going to prison and I am living with the son of my enemy and raising my twins. One of my twins is the daughter of my ex, the other is the son of my current.
Every day I find myself more and more attracted to this man. I don't know why.
I hate everything he stands for and my heart is breaking that my daughter will grow up not knowing her father.
I am also terrified that my son will somehow grow up to be evil like the rest of my husband's family.
This is tearing me apart and I just don't know who to turn to.
My question is, how do I use all this drama to help me get into this really exclusive pre-school I am applying the twins to next month? Do I play up the daddy in prison part or shoot for the "my current husband is an organized crime family king-pin" angle? Which will insure the kids won't be wait listed?

Hopeful Mom


Dear Hopeful Mom,
Too bad you didn't think ahead and shoot for the lesbian, bi-racial, blended family angle, but all is not lost. Bring your lawyer and threaten to sue if they don't recognize the twins' pre-natal post traumatic stress as a learning disability.
And if all else fails, hide a couple Hanna Montana tickets between the pages of the application. Be sure to act surprised when the find them.

Ireland - The Day After

As the plane leaves the runway carrying the road company of Dumb and Dumber, Colleen watches and heaves an sigh of relief.

"Thank GOD. I thought they would never leave." she says. She pulls off the old lady wig and changes into her normal clothes.
She walks down the stairs and finds Rob and Crystal waiting for her in the pub.

"Okay, one more time, who's idea was it for me to dress like Norman Bates' mother?" She asks.

Rob and Crystal giggle.

"Oh funny, ha ha, nothing like making me look like a complete fool." she complains

"We're sorry Colleen" Crystal says "But you know if you'd have turned up looking like you do now, well they never would have bought the 'I'm dying' routine. They would have hung out here forever. And you and I both know that would have been a disaster for all of us"

"Yes, you're right." Colleen agrees as she checks her make up in the mirror "I never would have run them off if they saw me like this."

"Claire called before you came down" Rob says

"Did she?" Colleen asks "And what did she say?"

"She said to tell you, it was all set and you could pick her up on schedule." Rob answers

"What's going on?" Crystal asks "Did you and Claire plan something without telling me?"

"Crystal, I needed you to be convincing in your good-bye to Claire." Collen explains "If you knew she was going to be back this soon you never would have been able to seem so sad that they were taking her away."

"So she really is coming back?" Crystal is excited

"Yes." Colleen says "You don't think for a minute I would trust that blonde bimbo of a grand-daughter of mine to raise her. I mean really. I have heard of dumb blonde before but I mean come on. No one is that stupid. Not and still able to live in society anyway."

"Oh thank GOD!" Crystal exclaims "I was so worried when I found out Belle was actually going to be a nurse. When she told me she'd just graduated from nursing school I thought, she was kidding. Then she showed me her license."

"She probably got it out of Claire's, Toys R Us nurse kit" snickered Rob

"Yeah, I should have looked to see if it was stamped 'Mattel' somewhere on it." Crystal smiled

"And was signed by Doctor Barbie." Colleen added

"Come to think of it, that did look like Marlena's hand writing" Rob laughed

The three of them dissolve into fits of hysterical laughter. After a few minutes of holding their sides and wiping their eyes they calm down.

"Okay, okay" Colleen says wiping away a final tear "I know Claire downloaded the virus into the plane's main computer navigation system. They think they are somewhere over Norway, but in reality they are flying in circles over Italy."

"So they think they are going to crash? Are you sure that's wise?" Rob asks "What if they do something stupid and cause a real malfunction?"

"I'm counting on it" Colleen says "If there is one thing I can be sure of with that bunch of bone heads, it's that given the chance, one or all of them will think they are the big hero and try to save everyone."

"So what's the plan?" Crystal asks

"Well right now they are figuring out the plane isn't going to make it" Colleen shows Rob and Crystal a map. "They think they are going to crash here, but in reality Claire has the navigational computer set up to shut down all the gages, disable the manual controls and engage a secret autopilot that will put the plane here."

"And they're really not in any trouble?" Asks Crystal

"No" Colleen answers "John of course will take over the plane and do his famous Superman routine. He will set the plane down outside of Milan where Santo will be waiting to pick Claire up."

"Will they be coming back here?" Rob asks

"No, not right away." Colleen says "It's fashion week and I promised Claire she could see the Donatella Versace collection before she leaves. Which reminds me, Crystal don't let me forget to call Dolce and Gabbana and tell them to have Claire's dress for the Oscars ready for the final fitting before she leaves. I wanted it to be a surprise but you know how 'drama queen' Domenico gets if he thinks something doesn't fit 'just right'."

Crystal puts a reminder on her I-phone calendar and checks Colleen's schedule for next week.

"So Santo will be bringing her back after fashion week?" Crystal asks

"Yes, and as soon as she gets here, we need to get Brady a new passport so he can make it back for St. Patrick's Day." Colleen said

"Is he still on tour with Ozzy and Rob Zombie?" Crystal asks

"Yes, but he's going to take a couple days off after the Melbourne date and come home." Colleen pauses to think "I wonder if he'd mind picking up Ciera on the way."

"I don't have that on my schedule." Crystal says "When did you talk to Ciera?"

"Oh last week" Collen answered "She called and said her mother joining the police force was the last straw. And I can't say I blame the little dear. She's been on tour with Hannah Montana for 5 months as a back up dancer and her idiot parents didn't even notice she was gone."

"And what's with Hope joining the Salem PD? I would have thought she'd be more at home with the Reno 911 gang" Rob asks

"Or as a member of the TMZ staff." Crystal laughs

"Didn't I see her on Entertainment Tonight with Perez Hilton at the Grammys last night?" Rob chuckles

"Yes," Colleen says trying to hold back the laughter "She's taking Joan Rivers place but the question is, will anyone notice?"

"They might," Rob says "Joan wasn't anywhere near as pushy or nosy"

The three of them collapse again into hysterical laughter. Holding their sides and tears flowing down their cheeks.

Lexi Figures It Out

Lexi Carver, Chief of Staff.
Lexi couldn't stop staring at her new business cards.
After all the problems she'd had last year; Sami blackmailing her, being fired and banned from the hospital, her own father kidnapping her and holding her hostage, her husband finding out she was still cheating, her boyfriend disappearing. Quite a year.

Lexi wonders if maybe from now on things will start going her way. As she smiles and starts back to work on next month's schedule for new nurses she pauses on a name.

Belle Kiriakis? That can't be right. Lexi checks the paperwork again. Sure enough there she was, on the list of graduates.

"But she just started." Lexi says "How could this be?"

Lexi decides Marlena might know what's going on so she goes to find her.

As she is walking down the hall towards Marlena's office she passes the medical records room. A light shines under the door.

"That's strange, no one is supposed to be in there this time of night." Lexi thinks

She pauses by the door and listens. From inside she can hear someone typing on the the computer. Every so often the typing stops and Lexi hears a laugh.
A chill runs through her. The laugh sounds so evil.

Lexi put her hand on the door handle and turns it slowly. She eases the door open and peeks inside.

Marlena sits at the computer. A large stack of files sits next to her, each one with a different name on it.

"Marlena!" Lexi says "What are you doing."

Marlena looks up at Lexi, and suddenly reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. She levels it at Lexi, who can't believe what she's seeing.

"Lexi, just leave now and you won't get hurt." Marlena says quietly.

"But Marlena, what are you doing? Those look like test result records. Are you changing the results?" Lexi is shocked

"Yes Lexi" Marlena says "And it's not the first time."

Lexi stood horrified as she watched Marlena continue to type information into the computer.

"Marlena! STOP!" Lexi made a move towards the keyboard but Marlena lifted the gun again.

"Don't make me use this Lexi" Marlena warned. "You would not be the first person I have had to kill to cover this up."

Lexi couldn't believe what she was hearing. "How long has this been going on?"

"Well lets see," Marlena thought for a minute "There was the Rex and Cassie incident, with Roman's sperm and Kate's eggs. And of course Claire's paternity results. The embryo switch with Belle and Mimi, Sami's twins, Zak's paternity, Hope's ultrasound when she was carrying Ciera."

"Ciera?" Lexi asked "Who's that again?"

"Oh you know, Bo and Hope's daughter, the one Hope was so sure was Patrick Lockhart's, it was a big mess." Marlena answered

"Oh okay," Lexi nodded "Um I hate to ask but are there any others?"

"Oh hundreds" Marlena smiled "All the way back to John's DNA tests when he thought he was Forrest Alamain, Tony, EJ, Benji, Bo, even your Theo. I've changed X-Ray results, DNA, blood work, forensic evidence, autopsies, death certificates, birth certificates, even immunization records."

Marlena was actually giggling as she listed all the information she had changed, deleted or falsified over the years.

Lexi just stood there in shock. "I, I can't believe this! You've been doing this for years. All the lives you've destroyed, all the pain and misery. And now you just sit there giggling about it?"

"Yes" Marlena's face turned to stone "I did it all. And I'll keep doing it. These people in this town deserve it. They have all lived their lives so smugly. Cheating on each other, lying, keeping secrets. Well now their secrets are mine.
I control them all. I get to say who lives and who dies. I get to decide who knows things about themselves and their families. ME!"

"But Marlena, don't you realize because of you no one in this town can be sure who they are related to? Who they are marrying or having children with?" Lexi asked.

Marlena laughed maniacally. "Yes! But I don't care! I will keep doing it, and when I am satisfied Salem will never know the real truth about anything, I will move on. Another town, more results. Before long I'll rule the world!!"

Lexi's blood ran cold. Marlena was completely out of control. She had lost her mind. And she knew she had to stop her.

Lexi lunged for the gun and it fell to the floor. Both women looked at each other for a instant before going after the gun. Lexi pushed Marlena out of the way with one hand while she reached with the other. Her fingers brushed the gun before she was dragged back by Marlena.
Marlena threw Lexi back against the desk and made her move for the gun. But before she could reach it Lexi hit her across the back with the chair.
Stunned Marlena rolled towards the file cabinet to get away from the assault.
Lexi saw her chance and dived towards the gun. She grabbed it a split second before Marlena also made her move.

The women struggled over the gun. Each trying to wrench it away from the other. Lexi pushed Marlena hard against the file cabinet and fell on top of her, the gun sandwiched between them.

Suddenly the gun went off. Lexi fell back and the gun fell on the floor between them. She looked at it for a second, not quite believing what had just happened. She then looked over at Marlena.
She had a shocked look on her face, as she moved her hand up to her face.
The hand is covered with blood. A spreading splash of red was making it's way across her chest.

"You, you shot me!" Marlena gasped

"Oh my God Marlena, I'm sorry, I didn't know it would fire so easily. Oh God, Marlena you're bleeding." Lexi sobbed

Marlena looked down at the wound then looked up at Lexi and smiled. "So, now it's you."

"What? what do you mean?" Lexi asked

"You, you must continue what I have started. You must continue to change test results and make sure no one in Salem ever knows the truth."Marlena said

"Me? What makes you think I intend to continue this? What could ever possess you to think that I would even consider it?"

"Because, you are my daughter." Marlena said

Lexi looked confused for a few seconds, then got angry. "WHAT? Marlena I know you are crazy, but you aren't blind are you? I'm BLACK. How could you be my mother?"

"Because Stefano...is NOT your father." Marlena gasped

Lexi's heart froze in her chest. She stared at Marlena. Not a Dimera? Not the daughter of the most evil man in the world? Lexi let the information soak in. But her mother? Celeste not her mother? Marlena? But how...

"How?" Lexi asked "Celeste raised me. She was always there."

"Stefano had me prisoner." Marlena's breathing was getting more labored "He implanted my egg in Celeste. He swore her to secrecy. He wanted the child to be his and mine. But he didn't know that before he could have the egg fertilized, I switched the sperm."

"But, but you knew? All these years? And who, who is my father?" Lexi asked "If it's not Stefano then who?"

Marlena was fading fast. She starts to cough. Lexi opens her cell phone.

"NO!" Marlena says weakly.

"But Marlena, we have to get you help. You're bleeding to death." Lexi says

"Let.........me..........die." Marlena coughed "It's .........over......now"

"But I need to know, who my father is. You have to live. You need help, let me call."

"No!" Marlena insists "You have to let me die."

"FINE DIE!" Lexi screams "BUT tell me who my father is!!"

"In..........the............computer.........just changed.......the results on your.......records.........before you came in. I was........going to.........tell you."
Marlena closes her eyes and collapses.

"Marlena! MARLENA!" Lexi feels for a pulse and finds none.

"Oh my God, Marlena." Lexi sits on the floor and lets it all sink in. She looks up at the computer. "Marlena said, it was in the computer." she says to herself.

Lexi gets up and goes to the desk. She sits down and types her own name into the computer.

The screen shows it's searching. As Lexi waits she looks over. Beside the stack of files she sees them. A pair of black leather gloves.
She looks at them and sighs. All this time, they thought "the glove" was EJ. Didn't he even confess? Lexi thought.

As she held the gloves, she noticed the computer had finished it's search and her medical records were in front of her.

She took the mouse in her hand and started to scroll through the information.
She stopped at her birth certificate. A name, not Stefano.
Lexi stared at the name. She turned to look at Marlena, laying dead on the floor.
Lexi stood up, pulling on the black leather gloves. She picked up the gun and wiped her fingerprints off the handle. She took the gun and put it into Marlena's hand. Point blank to the chest. Suicide. Lexi thought. She made sure the angle of the shot would line up with Marlena holding it. It did.

Lexi opened her cell phone and dialed 911.
"Yes, this is Dr. Lexi Carver. I'm in the records room at University Hospital and I just found Dr. Marlena Evans dead. I believe she committed suicide." Lexi looked at Marlena and sighed "Yes, I'll stay here until you arrive."

Lexi closed her phone and turned back to the computer screen. Taking one last look at the name in the space that read "Child's Father"

"Orenthal James Simpson" Lexi read aloud as she took off the black leather gloves and pushes them deep into the pocket of her doctor's coat. She switched off the computer and started putting the files away. As she finished the last of them she heard the sirens getting closer.

"Good bye mother" she whispered as prepared to meet the officers at the elevator.

The Deal Part Deux.

Belle sits in the hall outside the nursing school dean's office. Her head is spinning with thoughts.

"Wow I'm really cute. I mean really. I don't see how any guy resists me. I wonder why I'm here. I wonder if I'm in some sort of trouble for missing classes. I wonder if I can still get that pink sweater on sale."

The office door opens and the dean says "Mrs. Brady?"

Belle sits as if she hadn't heard him.

"Mrs. Brady?" the dean says a little louder

Belle still sits. She looks around and sees the dean. She smiles at him and turns away, as if he wasn't talking to her.

The dean is confused. He steps in front of Belle, makes eye contact and says
"MRS. BRADY!"

Belle looks confused then it hits her, "OH you mean me! That's right I'm Mrs. Brady! Oh wow I thought my husband's grandma was here, and I was a little ticked that she got to go ahead of me.."

"My office, if you please, Mrs. Brady" the dean tries not to lose his temper.

Belle looks at the office door. "Yeah, that's your office. But I don't know how pleased I am about it, it's kind of drab.."

"Please, go into my office Mrs. Brady." The dean says through clenched teeth.

"Geez, you don't have to be rude. I'm going." Belle flips her hair and sashays into the office.

The dean follows, trying desperately to resist the urge to just grab Belle from behind and strangle her.
The dean closes the door and sits behind his desk. He stares at Belle for a few seconds before he starts to speak.

In those few seconds, Belle's mind begins to wander . . .
"Wow this office is nice. A little too much wood, but I guess he likes it that way.
I wonder if those shoes I bought last week will look good with the skirt I'm buying later. Ooo is that candy. I like candy. Do hedgehogs sleep? I've never seen one sleep, but that doesn't mean they don't..."

"MRS. BRADY! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" The dean was done trying to be nice.

Belle looked at him "Were you talking to me? I heard you talking I just didn't know who you were talking to and I thought it was rude to listen if you weren't talking to me..."

"There's no one else in the room, so who else would I be talking to?" The dean asks

"Well I thought maybe you were thinking out loud. I do that sometimes. Like when I am thinking about my life and how happy I am to have my beautiful baby Claire. Would you like to see some pictures of Claire, I have tons of them, Oh wait those are pictures of me...I'm so pretty, I just think..." Belle babbles

"MRS. BRADY!" The dean has lost it

"What? Why do you keep yelling at me?" Belle asks

"Because you aren't listening to me. I keep trying to tell you that you are dangerously close to being kicked out of this school." The dean says

"Kicked out!" Now Belle pays attention "Why would you kick me out? I want to be a nurse!"

"Well evidently not bad enough to actually go to class." The dean opens Belle's file and shows it to her "You haven't been to half your classes in over three months. You show up for a test here or there, but then you don't bother doing any of your lab work. How do you expect to pass and graduate Mrs. Brady."

"But it's not my fault!" Belle starts to pout "I had to rescue my daughter. She was kidnapped."

"Ah yes, the famous Claire." The dean turns a few pages "She seems to be the main excuse you use. Let's see, Claire is sick, Claire was kidnapped, Claire had a bad hair day, Claire might be lonely. I think you need to decide if you want to be a nurse or you want your life to revolve around your daughter."

"You can't do that!!" Belle starts to blubber "You can't make me choose between my daughter and being a nurse. It's just not fair."

"Mrs. Brady, life is not fair." The dean says "We all have to make sacrifices in our lives in order to have a better life."

"But I don't like sacrifices." Belle whines "They are icky and smell bad and I don't think the church wants us to do them."

"Mrs. Brady, I am getting very tired of this little dumb blonde act" The dean is annoyed

"It's not an act." Belle says "I really am a blonde. It says so on the box."

"Okay Mrs. Brady, this meeting is over. I am afraid I am going to have to ask you to turn in your student ID and leave the school." The dean closes Belle's file.

"What? You're kicking me out of school?" Belle is shocked

"Oh NOW you're paying attention. Yes Mrs. Brady, you don't seem to want to put in the effort and time it takes to be a nurse." The dean explains "You don't want to go to class, you skip labs, you haven't turned in even one assignment, how do you expect to graduate?"

Belle sits in silence for few seconds, then opens her purse and pulls out here cell phone. She dials a number and waits.

The dean sits watching this and is confused. Belle talks to someone for a few minutes then hangs up. Before the dean can ask what that was about, his phone rings.

"Dean's office" He says "Yes, this is the dean. Yes. . . yes. . . well you must understand how these things work . . .yes. . . . yes but there are rules . . . yes, I see. . . but there are laws to consider. . . .I understand but if everyone could just. . . well of course I know you aren't EVERYONE but still. . . . I mean even you obey the law. . . well yes that's true. . . .but I just can't. . . well yes that is quite a bit. . .how many buildings? Well that is quite generous, but still . . . and a new gym with an indoor pool? I just don't know if I can. . . and how much to the administration's retirement fund? But still in good conscience. . . yes I do have 2 daughters. . . yes they are 9 and 11 but what does that have to do with . . . oh, well now when would that be? Yes, that's fine. Goodbye."

The dean hangs up the phone and looks across the desk at Belle who is furiously texting someone on her phone. He sighs and pulls a piece of paper out of his desk, signs it, and applies the school seal.

"Here you are Mrs. Brady." He slides the paper across the desk to Belle "Congratulations you're a nurse."

"Neato!" Belle beams at the diploma "I can't wait to show this to Shawn! He still hasn't passed cop school or whatever he has to do to be a cop."

"Yes, fine, you may go now Mrs. Brady." The dean didn't even get the words out before Belle popped up and bounced out the door.

The dean picked up his phone and called his home. "Emma honey, it's daddy. Guess what? No...guess again....no, even better. Okay I'll tell you, next weekend you and Katy not only get to go see Hannah Montana, you get to go backstage and meet her in person!"

The squeal from the other end of the phone, has dogs looking up all over town.
"Yes honey, daddy had to make a deal he's not proud of, but Mr. Kriakis said it was all taken care of. Yes, honey just like that."

The Deal

Claire Kiriakis slipped to the back of the plane while her idiot parents partied it up not even noticing she was gone.

She dialed her cell phone and waited.

"Uncle Brady? Is everything all ready?" she asked

"Sure is sweetie" Brady answered "I got your Grandma Colleen here with me and our plane is taking off for South America in a couple hours. You were so right about faking her death. I can't believe that Salem crowd was so easy to fake out."

"Duh!" Claire rolls her eyes "This crowd is so dense faking them out is almost too easy. It's not even fun anymore."

"I still can't get over Chloe giving up on me so fast." Brady sighed "I would have thought she'd at least have looked for me a little more than she did."

"I wouldn't worry about it, Uncle Brady." Claire answered "You're so much better off without her."

"I know" Brady agreed "So how long do you think it will take after you get home for your parents to start ignoring you again?"

"Oh probably about 30 seconds" Claire says "I bet I am shipped off to Grandma Caroline's before the bags get unloaded from the plane."

"Damn kid, sorry to hear about that." Brady says

"Pfft, It's cool, I'm used to it." Claire explains "It's actually almost funny to watch my mom fake her melt downs whenever I disappear. She's like a kid who's lost her favorite toy. She whines and bawls and cries so much you'd think she was the 3 yr old instead of me."

"I know" Brady sighs "I have no clue what happened to her. I guess she's just too much like that crazy witch Marlena. I still have no clue what my dad EVER saw in her. My mom was so much cooler. Classy you know."

"Yes" Claire agrees "I can't wait to meet her. She's already down in Brazil waiting for us right?"

"Yep." Brady says "You know when she faked her death all those years ago, I was sure my dad would figure it out and go after her. But noooo, Marlena had to distract him and make him think she was really dead. I swear it will be so good to kill her."

"Patience , patience," Claire says "One thing at at time. Right now we have to make sure our plan comes off without a hitch."

"Yeah, you're right Claire" Brady sighs "Do you have Ciera's flight info? I will have the limo waiting for her at the airport and then as soon as she helps me get everything packed up here we'll be on the way."

"Sure do," Claire is already scrolling through her i-phone "Okay, her flight is due to land in about 2 hours."

"Okay, great." Brady says "Hey speaking of Ciera, I have to let you go she's calling on my other phone."

"Keep me posted, I'll call when we get home." Claire says as she hangs up.

Brady hangs up one cell phone and answers another one.

"Brady!" Ciera says "So great to finally talk to you! Did Claire tell you when my plane gets in?"

"She did." Brady answers "And I will have the limo there when you land."

"Great" Ciera says "Did you back up all the computers and destroy the hard drives so no one will be able to follow us?"

"Got it done late last night" Brady says "And I've gotten us all fake passports, and deposited the money in the offshore Cayman Islands account, just like you said."

"Good" Ciera checks her list "Now did you make sure Great Aunt Colleen purchased the homes in Buenos Aries with the corporation credit account and then paid them off with the money from the partnership, as if they were taken over by a hostile creditor, giving us the profit, without paying the capital gains taxes?"

"Check and double check" Brady confirms

"Great, now what about that last little bit of business we spoke about?"

There was a very long pause.

"Brady, you are NOT going to tell me you didn't do this for me right?" Ciera asked

"Well" Brady began "Things like this take time. There are factors at work that we didn't foresee."

"Factors? Do NOT tell me about factors. You had one simple assignment. One thing to do. All the other things I gave you I could have just phoned in, but this, this was important." Ciera tried to hold her temper.

"I know, I know." Brady stammered "But it wasn't something I could control. I know this was important. But in a way you were asking for the impossible."

"IMPOSSIBLE?" Ciera explodes "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH! YOU HAVE UNTIL I GET THERE TO GET THIS DONE. THERE IS NO NOT GETTING IT DONE. THERE IS NO I CAN'T. WHEN THIS PLANE LANDS IF I DO NOT SEE YOU STANDING AT THE GATE WITH THIS TASK COMPLETED, DON'T BOTHER EVEN SHOWING UP! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.!"

"Yes, maam." Brady said quietly "It will be done."

Without an answer, Ciera slams her cell shut.

Brady, sits in the darkening room, not sure if he should just save himself the trouble and leave now, or try again to do the impossible.
Finally he flips his cell open and dials a number. A low voice answers.

"Okay" Brady says "I'll come back to you Chloe. You are the only one who can help me, and even though I am sure Ciera wouldn't really kill me, I just can't take that chance."

"You were wise to take my offer." Chloe says "You'll come to see, in time, I was right. And although you may think death would be preferable to a life with me, I think one day you will change your mind."

Brady hangs up his phone and drops his head to his hands.

"God forgive me." He says in a halting voice "I sold my soul to Chloe, for Hannah Montana tickets."

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:
I am a newlywed. My husband, I'll call him Yawn, is jealous all the time. He says he can't trust me because before we got married I had one little innocent fling with my ex-husband. How silly is that? It isn't like I was going to do it again. And what is so bad about letting my ex buy me some things. Clothes, shoes, designer bags, cars. Why does Yawn have to get so mad?
My ex is a war hero! So you could say my sleeping with him was my patriotic duty right? I mean our President is always saying we should support our troops right?
I'm just so confused. What do I do?

Blonde and Baffled


Dear Blonde and Baffled, You don't need advice you need a good slap to the head and a kick in the pants. If you have no idea why your husband gets mad because you cheat, then you have no hope, no clue, and I have no advice.
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Dear Abby,
I don't think my parents know I exist most of the time. They are both cops but they seem to spend most of their time running off all over the world chasing my cousin who seems to get kidnapped every other week. They don't even act like they remember they have me. What do I do?

Left Alone

Dear Left Alone,
Every few months one of you college students think you can put one over on me with letters like this. Nice try, but no self respecting parents would leave their child alone as much as you claim. Nice touch making them cops too!
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Dear Abby,
My husband was held captive by an evil man who brainwashed him. He doesn't remember me or our family. I have done everything I can, including putting the man who did this into a permanent coma. I am a psychiatrist and even though I have years of training in how to unlock the mind I just don't know what else to do. He's the love of my life and I just don't think I can last another day without him in my arms. Even when he was in a coma came to me in my dreams and told me how much he loved me. He is my soul mate. I would do anything for him do you hear me? Anything!! I would kill for him. He just has to remember our life and our love. I know he would never leave me, he loves me I can see it in his eyes. We are meant to be together. FOREVER!!
How do I bring him back to me? How do I make him remember?

Desperate For Nooky


Dear Desperate,
Since you are a psychiatrist you have, no doubt heard of Prozac? Get some, take it, often.

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Dear Abby,
My wife and I are both over 40. We have one daughter who is in college. Lately my wife has been obsessed with having another baby. I missed most of our daughter's growing up years because an evil man drugged me, convinced my family I was dead, and brainwashed me.
I lived for almost 20 years as someone else until my brother found me.
I came home and eventually remembered my wife. Now she wants to have another baby so we will have the chance to raise a child together.
I think she's just trying to get revenge. She wants me to see all the crap she went through with a kid.
I am not sure I want to do this, but she keeps jumping me. And to be honest, she's pretty hot and I like all the attention. I just don't want another kid.
But I am afraid if I tell her she'll cut me off whoopie department.
How do I keep getting nailed but not stuck?

Horny Hubby

Dear Horny Hubby,
I could tell you to go get a vasectomy and not tell her, but it sounds like she'd just find another way to get pregnant. My only advice is either fake your death again, or get used to changing diapers. Baby fever is common in women her age and unless your daughter pops out a grandkid real soon you are kind of out of luck.

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Dear Abby,
I think I am under a curse. I accidentally killed my little brother last year and this year I accidentally killed this guy who raped my cousin. My family gets me out of trouble when I do this, but I don't know how many more times they will be able to do this. How do I stop having all these accidents? People are starting to talk.

Teen Terror

Dear Teen Terror,
Get a hobby. Learn a trade. Maybe plumbing, they make a lot of money. I just paid some guy $200 to install a new water heater. If you had something to occupy your time maybe you would have less accidents.

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Dear Abby,
My whole family is insane. 50 years ago I faked my death to get away from them, but they tracked me down.
They never know who their kids' fathers are, they get married and cheat all the time, they die and come back, they don't even work! I have no idea nor do I want to know where they get all their money, but they seem to just be able to do whatever they want and not worry about how to pay for it.
I am afraid if I let them stay they will start sponging off me. How to I just go back to being a long lost legend?

Grandma Needs A Life

Dear Grandma,
Has your family been writing to me this past week? If so, find out a way to get dead again, real real fast.
Maybe you could find someone to fake kill you, like with a steak knife. Then you could go back to having a real life. Just do it fast, before they drag you down with them.


*Note Dear Abby will not be published for a few weeks. After reading these letters she decided a weekend with Jose Cuervo would be in order. We wish her the best.