Dear Abby - The Return

*To my readers, after a well deserved rest, in a secluded location, with lots of tequila, I have returned to once again answer your letters and solve your problems, if possible.

Dear Abby:
I have a real problem. I keep getting into relationships with my nieces. Before you
freak, I need to tell you, I was adopted so these girls aren't really my blood relations, so it's all good. But it's not.
At first I went out with my brother's daughter. Well he's not really my brother because my adopted mom had an affair with another guy so my adopted father isn't even my brother's father. Anyway, I went out with this girl for almost a year and finally dumped her because she turned into a real tease, if you know what I mean.
Then I went out with my sister's daughter, but we broke up because she was just too boring and clingy. A guy's gotta have standards you know.
After that I went out with my sister's husband's niece. But everyone in the family freaked out because I'm so much older than her. Which of course made it that much hotter, but in the end I dumped her because she wouldn't put out.
Now I think I want to get back with my sister's daughter because she went away for a while and when she came back she was like, well an entirely different person, for lack of a better explanation.
The problem is, this other girl I'm not related to, really likes me.
How do I get her to do a DNA test so I can switch the results and make her my niece?

Uncle Horny


Dear Uncle Horny;
There's a special place in Hell for guys like you. Bring sunblock. Lots of it.

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Dear Abby,
My husband is a cop. I used to be a cop and now I have decided to go back to being one. I love helping people. I love to find out all their deepest secrets and then discuss them with all my friends and then give them great advice on how they should do exactly what I say. Everyone thinks I am awesome.
My problem is, I have this nagging feeling I am forgetting something.
I keep finding baby toys and packages of diapers around the house and there is this room upstairs with a crib in it.
I have no idea why I would have all these things, but I just can't seem to bring myself to get rid of them.
What do you think?

Mrs. Top Cop

Dear Mrs.
In a few minutes you'll hear a knock on your door. Answer it and do exactly what the nice social workers tell you. You'll thank me for this.

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Dear Abby,
I divorced my husband and married the son of my enemy to end a family feud.
At my wedding my ex-husband shot my current husband. My ex is now going to prison and I am living with the son of my enemy and raising my twins. One of my twins is the daughter of my ex, the other is the son of my current.
Every day I find myself more and more attracted to this man. I don't know why.
I hate everything he stands for and my heart is breaking that my daughter will grow up not knowing her father.
I am also terrified that my son will somehow grow up to be evil like the rest of my husband's family.
This is tearing me apart and I just don't know who to turn to.
My question is, how do I use all this drama to help me get into this really exclusive pre-school I am applying the twins to next month? Do I play up the daddy in prison part or shoot for the "my current husband is an organized crime family king-pin" angle? Which will insure the kids won't be wait listed?

Hopeful Mom


Dear Hopeful Mom,
Too bad you didn't think ahead and shoot for the lesbian, bi-racial, blended family angle, but all is not lost. Bring your lawyer and threaten to sue if they don't recognize the twins' pre-natal post traumatic stress as a learning disability.
And if all else fails, hide a couple Hanna Montana tickets between the pages of the application. Be sure to act surprised when the find them.