Dear Abby

Dear Abby:
I am a newlywed. My husband, I'll call him Yawn, is jealous all the time. He says he can't trust me because before we got married I had one little innocent fling with my ex-husband. How silly is that? It isn't like I was going to do it again. And what is so bad about letting my ex buy me some things. Clothes, shoes, designer bags, cars. Why does Yawn have to get so mad?
My ex is a war hero! So you could say my sleeping with him was my patriotic duty right? I mean our President is always saying we should support our troops right?
I'm just so confused. What do I do?

Blonde and Baffled


Dear Blonde and Baffled, You don't need advice you need a good slap to the head and a kick in the pants. If you have no idea why your husband gets mad because you cheat, then you have no hope, no clue, and I have no advice.
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Dear Abby,
I don't think my parents know I exist most of the time. They are both cops but they seem to spend most of their time running off all over the world chasing my cousin who seems to get kidnapped every other week. They don't even act like they remember they have me. What do I do?

Left Alone

Dear Left Alone,
Every few months one of you college students think you can put one over on me with letters like this. Nice try, but no self respecting parents would leave their child alone as much as you claim. Nice touch making them cops too!
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Dear Abby,
My husband was held captive by an evil man who brainwashed him. He doesn't remember me or our family. I have done everything I can, including putting the man who did this into a permanent coma. I am a psychiatrist and even though I have years of training in how to unlock the mind I just don't know what else to do. He's the love of my life and I just don't think I can last another day without him in my arms. Even when he was in a coma came to me in my dreams and told me how much he loved me. He is my soul mate. I would do anything for him do you hear me? Anything!! I would kill for him. He just has to remember our life and our love. I know he would never leave me, he loves me I can see it in his eyes. We are meant to be together. FOREVER!!
How do I bring him back to me? How do I make him remember?

Desperate For Nooky


Dear Desperate,
Since you are a psychiatrist you have, no doubt heard of Prozac? Get some, take it, often.

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Dear Abby,
My wife and I are both over 40. We have one daughter who is in college. Lately my wife has been obsessed with having another baby. I missed most of our daughter's growing up years because an evil man drugged me, convinced my family I was dead, and brainwashed me.
I lived for almost 20 years as someone else until my brother found me.
I came home and eventually remembered my wife. Now she wants to have another baby so we will have the chance to raise a child together.
I think she's just trying to get revenge. She wants me to see all the crap she went through with a kid.
I am not sure I want to do this, but she keeps jumping me. And to be honest, she's pretty hot and I like all the attention. I just don't want another kid.
But I am afraid if I tell her she'll cut me off whoopie department.
How do I keep getting nailed but not stuck?

Horny Hubby

Dear Horny Hubby,
I could tell you to go get a vasectomy and not tell her, but it sounds like she'd just find another way to get pregnant. My only advice is either fake your death again, or get used to changing diapers. Baby fever is common in women her age and unless your daughter pops out a grandkid real soon you are kind of out of luck.

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Dear Abby,
I think I am under a curse. I accidentally killed my little brother last year and this year I accidentally killed this guy who raped my cousin. My family gets me out of trouble when I do this, but I don't know how many more times they will be able to do this. How do I stop having all these accidents? People are starting to talk.

Teen Terror

Dear Teen Terror,
Get a hobby. Learn a trade. Maybe plumbing, they make a lot of money. I just paid some guy $200 to install a new water heater. If you had something to occupy your time maybe you would have less accidents.

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Dear Abby,
My whole family is insane. 50 years ago I faked my death to get away from them, but they tracked me down.
They never know who their kids' fathers are, they get married and cheat all the time, they die and come back, they don't even work! I have no idea nor do I want to know where they get all their money, but they seem to just be able to do whatever they want and not worry about how to pay for it.
I am afraid if I let them stay they will start sponging off me. How to I just go back to being a long lost legend?

Grandma Needs A Life

Dear Grandma,
Has your family been writing to me this past week? If so, find out a way to get dead again, real real fast.
Maybe you could find someone to fake kill you, like with a steak knife. Then you could go back to having a real life. Just do it fast, before they drag you down with them.


*Note Dear Abby will not be published for a few weeks. After reading these letters she decided a weekend with Jose Cuervo would be in order. We wish her the best.