Theme Songs

Everyone should have a good theme song. The song that should be playing every time you enter a room.
Today, I'd like to share, the theme songs of our DOOL folk.

*Note* Some of you "youngens" may have to Google some of these songs or download them from I-tunes (great way to use up those Pepsi codes!), since they came out before you were born. Sorry about that, but I'm a Baby Boomer / Pop Culture Diva.


Hope - "Heard It Through The Grapevine" Marvin Gaye

Bo - "Glory Days" Bruce Springsteen

Steve - "Bad To The Bone" George Thorogood & The Destroyers

Kayla - "I Need A Hero" Bonnie Tyler

Sami - "Complicated" Avril Lavigne

EJ - "Would I Lie To You?" Eurythmics

John Black - "A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action" Elvis

Marlena - "My Guy" Mary Wells

Chelsea - "Oops I Did It Again" Britney Spears

Nicole - "The Bitch Is Back" Elton John

Stephanie - "Don't Cha?" Pussycat Dolls

Max - "Smooth Operator" Sade

Ava - "Crazy Bitch" Buckcherry

Phillip - "Half The Man I Used To Be" Stone Temple Pilots

Shawn Jr. - "If I Only Had A Brain" from The Wizard Of Oz

Belle - "Barbie Girl" Aqua

Nick - "All Out Of Love" Air Supply

Chloe - "You're So Vain" Linda Ronstat

Morgan "My Humps" Black Eyed Peas

Roman - "Love Stinks" J Geils Band

Abe - "Theme From Shaft" Issac Hayes

Lexi - "One More Chance" The Jackson 5

Daniel - "Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me" Mac Davis

Tony & Anna (shared) "Why Can't We Be Friends?" War


And of course, the theme song for ALL DOOL fans EVERYWHERE.....


"We're Not Gonna Take It" Twisted Sister.

The Girl Guide

The Girl Guide - The monthly magazine the women of Salem can't live without.

This month's feature articles:

Page 13 - He Cheated, Now What?

Getting even is so last season. First seduce his best friend, then his brother, his father, his son and his attorney (helps to get rid of that pesky pre-nup), and when you're finished fall sobbing into his arms and claim your broken heart made you do it.

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Page 26 - You Cheated - So What?

First claim innocence, then bring up every lie and half truth he ever told you, right back to the time in 9th grade when he backed out of taking you to the dance because he claimed his grandmother died.

Accuse him of being just like his father, then your father.
Blame him for the whole thing.

He pushed you too far, he should have paid more attention to you.
Start listing his faults, (be careful not to let him talk during this as he will try to counter with yours, as if you have any).

Finally break down sobbing and tell him a) He's the love of your life b) If he leaves you'll kill yourself c) You're pregnant (remember you don't actually have to BE pregnant to use this one)

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Page 101 - Excuses, excuses. - Never leave home without em.

"I forgot I was married"

"I was dead"

"It wasn't me it was my evil twin"

"If I tell you I did it, you'll just get mad and blame me for it."

"I wanted to tell you, but I never got the chance, even though you asked me repeatedly, the opportunity never came up."

"I did it for us!"

"I was only trying to protect my family"

"Stefano (fill in blank)"

"(fill in blank) was going to tell you everything! And I knew it would destroy (you, us, our marriage, our family)

"I had/have amnesia"

"I really wanted to be with you the whole time."

"I know I've lied about everything up until now, but NOW I'm telling you the truth."

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Page 119 - The Best Advice My Mom Ever Gave Me

The pass word for the hospital computer is 1234

All Salem cell phones have the same voice mail pass code - 0000

The blank DNA forms are in the LEFT file cabinet in the lab.

Joe in central booking at Salem PD takes the BEST mug shots.

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Page 124 - Can't Tell Him The Truth? - 5 questions to shut him up while you think.

"Shut up! Just shut up! Why don't you answer me?"

"Are you telling me the truth? Or is this just another one of your lies?"

"Are you really you? Or are you someone else?"

"Tell me you love me. I don't care if you have to lie, just tell me."

"Why do you force me to make you insist I do these things?"

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Page 168 - Retail and Services Guide

Tell Maxine at the bridal store "Sami sent you". She'll understand

For an extra $20, Bobby the valet at Che Rouge will say he never saw you.

Wednesdays are "Roots? What roots? I'm a natural blonde" Days at Esther's house of beauty.

Handguns and Handbags on 3rd and Lexington has a great special right now. Buy a Colt revolver and a Chanel tote, and get a matching bullet organizer FREE!

Slip Eddie at Salem Car Wash a quick $50 and tell him you want the "No Questions Asked" full detail.

Dear Abby Retires

*Dear Abby had decided the problems of the good folk of Salem are just too much for her to deal with. So she has turned in her resignation and retired to sail around the world with this lovely young couple who invited her to go with them and their daughter.

For her replacement, the staff and crew of Daze has hired the only person in Salem with any common sense. . . . . okay so we couldn't find anyone so we decided to go with guest stars.

This week: Dear Dr. Phil
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

My husband is a lawyer. To be honest I didn't even know he was a lawyer when we got married, but that's not important right now.
Things have been difficult but we were working through our problems until recently, when he took on a client that I absolutely can't stand.

She's a loud, mouthy, obnoxious, , manipulative, lying bitch, who does nothing but cause trouble everywhere she goes.
She broke my brother's heart and stole my husband. She made my life a living hell from the moment I met her, and I thought I was rid of her until she came back to town to suck her last husband dry.

I mean how am I supposed to take care of my kids and have a normal life when I know she's out there plotting against me. I know she is going to try and steal my husband, even though it's really a marriage of convenience, but that's not the point. He's MY husband! And contrary to what everyone seems to think, I am NOT jealous. I just don't want her to go anywhere near my husband.

I gave him an ultimatum. Her or me, and the kids of course, but mostly NOT her. And I am not jealous, really.

Not Jealous Wife


Dear Not Jealous,
So ya married a guy you claim you don't love and now your panties are in a bunch because he's got a hot blonde for a client?

How's that workin' for ya? It's not is it? Didn't think so. Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you. Think about it.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

My dad was really sick recently and needed a transplant. Lucky me, I was the only one who was a match, so naturally I freaked out and ran away. Eventually they found me and I felt so guilty about everything, I gave in and gave my dad part of my pancreas.

The doctor who did the operation is this major league hottie, who I just can't stop thinking about. He's so smart and cool. I can't stop thinking about him.
Okay, so I have a boyfriend who is like all devoted to me but he's just so, well normal and boring. Dr. Hottie just makes me want to rip his clothes off and ...well you get the idea. It's like the difference between milk and a shot of tequila. What do I do?

Bewildered Bimbo


Dear Bimbo,
Congrats on picking a great name there honey, because that's pretty much what you are, among other things. Just remember the most you get is what you ask for. You might end up with this doctor, but is he what you really want?
It's time to get real. Pick a side and play ball.
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

I wrote to Dear Abby, but she was no help with all her common sense answers and such.

My husband was kidnapped by an evil genius who erased his memory. I thought he was dead, but my daughter's husband betrayed his family and told us my husband was alive.

Now all I want is my old husband back. Okay so this new guy is all rich and gives me diamonds and is way funnier and cooler than my husband ever was, but I don't want that. I want the man I married. The man who kissed my ass constantly and rolled over and played dead or whatever else I told him to .
This guy thinks too much. That's not working for me.

What do I do about this? Hook up with my husband who is not my husband? Or leave my husband, and get someone else?

Married To A Stranger

Dear Married,
Life is a marathon, it's not a sprint. Remember that. What are you in such an all fired hurry for? He's your husband, he's just not your door mat anymore.
And you can't handle that can you?
Remember the quickest way from A to B is not always at the most feverish pace. Deal with it.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

I am so mad at my boyfriend. He left me at the alter a couple years ago, and I have been tracking him down ever since.

I find him only to find out he has this other wife and she's all pregnant and saying he loves her and not me. I know this isn't true. I am so much hotter than her, and younger too. But he won't listen to me. He says he was brainwashed when we were together, and he never really loved me. How can he say that? I know it's not true, he loved me then and he still loves me. He just forgot.

I kidnapped his wife so he would come after her and then see me and remember how much he loves me more than he could ever ever ever love her.
He does love me, I know he does. He has to. I'll kill myself, NO I'll kill him if he doesn't say he loves me. That will show him. I'm not someone he can just use and toss aside!!! Yeah that lady in Fatal Attraction had it right! She just wussed out and couldn't kill the wife. I'm not making that mistake. The voices in my head know what they are talking about. They wouldn't lie to me!!! Not like HE did!
If I can't have him, NO WOMAN CAN!!!!!


But I'm Not Bitter

Dear Bitter,

You're right in the middle of downtown meltdown here. You're only lonely if you aren't there for you. And it seems like you are almost too there for you, if you catch my drift.

And now you're going to kill him because you can't have him. Well all I have to say about that, is just remember you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater if the septic tank is full.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Phil,

My marriage is in real trouble and I need your help. My husband came up with this hair brained idea of sailing around the world so we could re-connect as a couple. My first clue this was a stupid idea was, we didn't even have a boat!
So I talked my dad into giving us one, and we left. Well things have just gone from bad to catastrophic!

My moron husband can't sail. He can't even sail a toy boat in a bathtub without sinking it! What was I thinking? How did I get myself into this mess?
All we do is fight. He does something stupid, I yell at him for it, he says I'm being nit picky, I say he's acting like an idiot, he tells me if I don't like it why don't I just go back to Phillip (my ex), I tell him I would if we weren't out here in the middle of nowhere on the Titanic, he says that shows what I know, the Titanic sank in the Atlantic ocean and he's pretty sure we aren't in the Atlantic ocean, and he'll tell me for sure when he finds those big letters they show on the map that say Atlantic Ocean.

What do I do! He's driving me insane out here.

Shanghaied And Hating It


Dear Shanghaied,

It's like I always say: Instead of asking whether they way you are living, behaving or thinking is "right" I want you to ask if the way you are living, behaving and thinking is working or not working.

You have to name it before you can claim it. Get clear about what you want, and take your turn. You either get it or you don't. Be one of those who gets it.

DOOL Dictonary

Everyone has heard the term: "He/She's the dictionary definition of...." or "Look in the dictionary under ______ and you'll find his/her picture.

Well we decided to look up certain frequently used words when talking about DOOL
And lo and behold, look what we found!

Ali and Johnny Meet The Gang

Ali holds a small piece of paper as she and Johnny walk along a dark alleyway in the "bad" part of Salem.

"Are you sure this is where we're supposed to meet them?" Johnny asks

"Yes, for the millionth time." Ali replies "It says Water St. behind the Dimera Warehouse. This is Water St. and THAT is the Dimera Warehouse."

"So where are they?" Johnny asks.

Before Ali can say anything a bright light suddenly blinds the pair. A voice comes out of the darkness behind the light.

"Who sent you?"

"Ciara" Ali answers trying to see who is behind the light.

The light shuts off and Theo Carver walks up to Ali and Johnny.

"Sorry about that, just procedure" Theo says "Hi, I'm Theo Carver. You must be Ali."

"Yeah, I am." Ali answers

"And you!" Theo grabs Johnny and hugs him "Cousin Johnny! Glad to finally meet you."

Ali giggles as Johnny awkwardly accepts the hug from Theo.

"Come on you two, everyone is waiting." Theo goes to an unmarked door and knocks twice. The door opens and he shows them inside.

Ali and Johnny are shocked to be escorted into a huge room filled with video screens and computers. The screens are filled with images of various spots around Salem. The dining room of Che Rouge, the interior of the Salem PD, the Java Cafe, several views of the hallways in University Hospital, and one of the Brady Pub. On the computer monitors there are shots of Philip's office in Titan, Tony and Anna's offices, and Roman's office.

"Do you have the entire town under surveillance?" Johnny laughs

"Actually, yes we do" Theo answers. He goes to another computer and hits a few buttons. Suddenly the interior of Bo and Hope's house, the Dimera mansion, and Victor's house appear.

"Oh wow, I was kidding." Johnny says shocked.

"We aren't' Theo replies "You two need to understand, there's not a conversation in this town we don't hear. And there's not a meeting we don't know about."

"Wow" Ali says "How did you get cameras into some of those places?"

"Easy," Theo replies "Think about it. People take their kids everywhere because they don't think we understand what's going on. That's the beauty of it."

"And that is why we are so excited to have you two with us." Ciara joins them "You two are still small enough to get into places we haven't been able to."

"And with you living in the Dimera mansion now," Theo says "Well let's just say we have been trying to get more cameras in that place for years."

"I've been meaning to ask you," Ciara says "HOW did you ever manage to get your parents to move in there? I mean when we last met and I gave you the assignment of getting just one more camera in there. . . well let's just say when you called and told us you were moving in, that was just about the happiest day ever around here!"

"It wasn't hard." Ali explains "We knew if we started throwing all kind of fits at bedtime and refused to nap at the same time, eventually mom and EJ would realize they needed to be together all the time."

"And then my idea of calling Immigration and reporting their marriage as fake" Johnny says "Well I knew the US Government would jump at the chance to deport a Dimera. Any Dimera. And I wasn't wrong."

"Yep, it was all downhill from there." Ali smiles "We knew mom and EJ would run to Grandma Marlena, and whine they needed a bigger place."

"And we knew Grandma Marlena would run straight to Uncle John," Johnny says "The only down side was now she's going to be all giggling and flirting with him."

A collective "Ewwwwwww" runs through the four of them.

"Dude! Thanks for the visual" Theo shudders "It's bad enough I have to watch my parents hang all over each other. At least I'm used to that."

"Okay, enough of the gross stuff." Ciara declares "We have work to do."

Ciara goes to a large cabinet and comes back with several boxes. She opens one and shows Johnny and Ali a tiny camera and transmitter.

"Now these are the cameras we want you to plant around the mansion." Ciara explains "They are wireless and once activated will pick up everything that goes on in whatever room you place them in. Each has it's own microphone sensitive enough to pick up the softest whisper."

"Wow," Ali says "So we just find out of the way places to put these and then the transmitters will send everything to you guys?"

"Pretty much" Ciara says "We'll give you a laptop with all the software pre-downloaded and set up for each camera and mic set up. They'll act like little web cams and record everything."

"But what about someone doing a security sweep?" asks Ali "Won't they pick up the signal?"

"Nope." Ciara says "These use 3G technology that connects to the cam by dialing through your cell phone. Anyone doing a sweep would only detect cell phone activity. Which of course they would disregard."

"Okay, anything else?" Johnny asks

"Glad you asked that." Claire enters the room and joins the group

"CLAIRE!" Ali runs to her cousin and hugs her "I am so glad to see you! When did you get back?"

"Not long ago" Claire smiles "Remind me to tell you the whole story when we get done here, it's pretty good."

"I'll bet!" Johnny says "I only spent a few hours with Aunt Belle. I have no idea how you managed to survive being her kid!"

"Don't remind me." Claire says "Okay, now let's get back on track here. We need to get you two back home ASAP to set up this stuff."

"Yes, there will be time for family reunions later." Ciara says "Clarie show these two what you have."

Claire pulls out a pen and puts it into Johnny's hand. "THIS, will be the most important part of your mission."

"A pen?" Johnny laughs "What? Is it a SPY CAM!"

"Yes actually, it is." Clarie replies

Johnny's eyes get wide when he realizes she's not kidding. "NO WAY! That is SO COOL!"

"Okay calm down little brother." Ali says "Let Claire explain how this works."

"Thank you Ali" Claire says "Now Johnny, if you can curb your excitement for a few minutes, I will tell you about the pen."

Johnny tries to tear himself away from marveling at the pen, but Ali ends up having to take it from him to get him to listen.

"Okay, pay attention" Claire says "This is a fully functioning, normal looking pen with a completely inconspicuous built in wireless camera. It has a solar charger and a built in Li-ion battery. When the cap is twisted it starts a wireless transmission that can be picked up by the receiver at a range of 10-20 meters. We have designed it to look like the pens that John normally uses. You simply swap it out every morning, and back every night so you can download the information."

"I have GOT to get one of these." Johnny says and grabs the pen back

"Forgive my brother," Ali smiles and wrenches the pen back out of his hands "He IS a guy, and you know how they are about gadgets."

Ciara sighs "Yes, we do. There was a time when the ISA considered only using us girls as agents since we don't get all caught up in the technology. But in the end we couldn't risk the security breaches, so we brought the guys in. But as you may have already figured out, all IT and technology is assigned to girl agents."

"Thank goodness for that." Ali says. She turns to say something to Johnny but finds he is gone. She looks around and sees him off in a corner of the room with Theo. The two of them are having the time of their lives playing with a cabinet full of various spy gadgetry.

"Okay, I see he'll be occupied for a while." Ali says "Go ahead and fill me in on all this and I'll catch my goofy brother up later."

Claire, Ciara and Ali discuss where the cameras will be placed, and make arrangements for the next meeting, as Theo and Johnny play laser tag with rifle sites.

Unbeknownst to them, back at the mansion, Sami wonders why the twins are being so quiet and decides to go check on them. As she starts up the stairs she trips a silent alarm that sounds at the KISA (Kid's ISA) headquarters.
Or rather it WOULD HAVE sounded, had one of the boys not bumped into the keyboard tied into the "parental alarm" system and muted the audible signal.

A red light starts flashing on the computer screen, but neither the girls nor the boys notice it. Meanwhile Sami reaches the door of the twins' room and listens before she reaches for the knob.

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I'm in love with a wonderful girl. She's smart, beautiful and so far out of my league I never in a million years thought I'd ever get a girl like her.

The problem is she seems to have forgotten I even exist lately.
She had to have an operation and now she's hanging all over this really handsome charming doctor guy.

I'm not jealous or anything, it's just that this guy is everything a girl would ever want. Handsome, rich, charming, totally ripped, eyes you could get lost in, a smile that lights up a room, and so smart! I mean this guy just did a surgery so complicated only a handful of doctors in the world have ever attempted it. And he just stepped in and did it. It was so amazing, I just get all sweaty and nervous whenever I think about his strong hands hold that scalpel. His voice, so calming and sure, telling me everything will be okay. Um I mean when he tells his patients every thing will be okay.

Like I said, I'm not jealous, but what do I do about this guy. Going after my girl I mean.

Really Confused



Dear Confused,
I think your signature says it all. And if you can't figure out what THAT means, there's this river in Egypt you need to look up.
I think maybe your girlfriend isn't the one interested in this "Dr Hottie".

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,

I have written to you before about the situation with my neighbors and how I think they are neglecting their daughter, but things have gotten much much worse and I really don't know what to do.

I am hesitant to turn them in as they are both police officers in my town. Or at least that's what they say they are. I never see either one of them doing any "official" police work.

Every day they leave for work or whatever, and neither one of them has the child.
So that means she's alone in the house. I try to peep into the windows to see if I can see her in there, and I think I hear voices once in a while, but I never see anything.

Now both parents have been gone for over 3 weeks and I am really starting to get worried. I know someone is in there, because I see lights on at night and the TV on during the day. But no one ever comes or goes. It's really strange.
Can this little girl be living there all alone? How could that happen?

Do I call CPS? Do I go over there and knock on the door? Or do I just keep minding my own business? I don't want to be nosy or anything.

Not-nosy Neighbor


Dear Neighbor,

It's been 3 weeks and you are just NOW STARTING to get worried?

Nice try. I know a fake letter when I see one, and this one isn't even a good one. A child alone for 3 weeks, yeah right.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,

I am having a real problem with my husband. We've been married for over 30 years and I love him dearly. But lately he has changed. So much so that he's just not the man I married.

He was gone for a while working on a case for his law firm. Now he's back and it's weird, but I almost don't recognize him anymore.

He swears he didn't have any "work" done while he was gone, but so much about him has changed. The worst is this new toupee' he has. Abby I swear the man skinned a poodle and glued it on top of his head. It's just awful. I mean like train wreck awful. I can't not stare at it.

And speaking of staring; he has this George Hamilton "man tan" as well. If feel like my husband left and this geriatric Ken doll has taken his place. Frankly it's creeping me out. What do I do?

PS: I am sending along a picture of the two of us so you can see what I mean.
Here we are:









Mrs. Tan Poodleman


Dear Mrs. Poodleman,

Umm sorry but, Pot meet Kettle.
Okay, I see what you mean about the rug, eww.
You can call your husband a "geriatric Ken doll" all you want, but the truth is you're looking a lot like "Botox Barbie". Stop worrying about it and concentrate on keeping you both out of direct sunlight.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,

I have a horrible problem and really need your help.

My boyfriend disappeared a year or so ago and I just now managed to track him down. The problem is he is claiming he was under some kind of mind control and had amnesia the entire time we were together. He says he has this wife and kid he forgot all about, and now he's back with her and they are having another kid!

I know he loves me, I just know it. He has to! He told me! He wouldn't lie to me. I know he wouldn't. It's his so called wife. She's keeping us apart. She is poisoning his mind against me. I know he loves me. He wants me back I am sure of it. The voices in my head tell me all the time how much he loves me. And they wouldn't lie.

I have kidnapped his wife and just need to figure out what to do with her. He can't love her as much as he loves me. He's just pretending to love her. He really loves ME! I can tell by the way he looks at me when I hold a gun to his head.

My only real problem is the voices in my head can't agree on how I should kill this broad. One says "Just shoot her", another says "Poison her" and still another says "Stab her". Then there are the ones who just sit there and laugh. They are making the ones who sit there and cry really angry. It's just so hard to concentrate when they all argue like that.

My question is: If I buy the Prada bag, will it go with my new Gucci shoes? Or maybe I should just leave the purple cat alone with the black dog. The dog does keep saying KILL KILL KILL KILL, but how do I know he's talking about Krispy Kreme Donuts? And what color is the number 5?

Queen Anastasia


Dear Queen,
Listen very carefully dear. Take the BLUE pill. Two of the Orange will not help.

I also need you to write back with your real return address so I can send a birthday card to the black dog. Some friends of mine in white jackets will be delivering it. Watch for them. Don't worry about the ambulance they drive up in. They will be coming right from work and won't have time to pick up their normal car. Oh and my friends are quite the merry pranksters! You may have to go out and search the ambulance for the card, they love hiding things like that.
Be sure to climb all the way in and look for it really well.
____________________________________________________________________

Lost In Space

On board the alien space ship; Lt. Ga stands outside the Captain's quarters, trying to decide what to say. He paces back and forth, trying several approaches.
"Captain Za, before I start I just want you to know, it was not my fault." (Starting out with an apology is never good, Ga thinks.)

"Good morning Captain! Wow have you lost weight?" (Sucking up? Can you say fast track to the worst job on the ship? Watching DOOL and explaining the episodes to the Captain in a way that makes them sound interesting. Ga had heard horror stories about past unfortunates who had to be committed to insane asylums after only a few weeks.)

"Captain Za, you're going to laugh when you hear this, remember the two earth creatures we picked up a while back?" (Why would he laugh? It's not funny.)

"Now see here Captain Za, I have done the best I could in this situation, so don't go blaming me!" (Directly to the offensive? Never good.)

Ga began to bang his head slowly on the wall, when suddenly the intercom outside the Captain's door popped on.

"Ga, I know you are out there, I've been watching for the past hour. Just give up and get in here. I know all about it." Za's voice was measured and careful.

Ga swallowed hard and stepped into the Captain's office. Za was sitting behind a floating desk with hundreds of monitor screens floating behind him. Each screen was alive with activity. Some shots of earth, some showing the various parts of the ship, and one permanently set to Cartoon Network, (Za had a thing for the Venture Brothers and Robot Chicken)

"Before you start with excuses, I want you to know I am fully aware of the situation with the Earthlings." Za began

"ALL of them sir?" Ga asks

"Yes ALL of them" Za replies mocking Ga "What I want to know is, has ANYONE come up with a plan to get RID of them?"

"Well sir, a few of the crew would like to keep the one called Belle, just to see what she'll do next." Ga says "Kind of like a pet."

"Even after she crashed the navigation system because she wanted the 'Christmas lights' to stop blinking? " Za asks "Or do they think her incessant whining in that high pitched voice of hers will eventually stop making crew members' heads explode?"

Ga says nothing just looks around the room nervously.

"Let's run down a few more of the 'dynamic duo's' exploits shall we?" Za waves his hand and one of the computer screens moves forward, and expands to the size of a 60 inch flat panel TV. "I've even recorded them in HD for your viewing pleasure" Za says sarcastically. He waves his hand again and video of Belle and Shawn starts to play.

"Here's their first day here" Za says "Notice how Shawn keeps trying to beat up the crew who are trying to attach a translation device so he can understand us when we talk. And look, here's the first time Belle's voice makes one of the crew's head explode. Notice the look of confusion on his face right before his head turns into a glob of goo, oozing down the wall."

Ga wants to turn away from the screen but he can't. It's like an episode of DOOL, you want to stop watching but you just can't!

"Oh look, Shawn is going to try to drive the ship." Za continues "Oops, how did he know a giant asteroid the size of Neptune would hurt the ship if he crashed into it? But then again we hadn't had to use the abandon ship alarm in so long. And isn't it nice to know the escape pods really work."

"Sir for the record, I want you to know it was NOT my turn at the helm that day, so I am NOT the one who gave him permission." Ga says

"Noted" Za says "Oh oh, here's my favorite! Belle running around the ship looking for 'Claire'. That of course was before we figured out 'Claire' was her offspring and to be fair she didn't know in our language, claire means a male sexual organ. Look look, she's about to say it...'Claire! I need Claire! Please just give me Claire! I'll do ANYTHING, please!' Oh my I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard."

Za waves his hand and the video screen goes blank, and shrinks back to normal size before returning to it's place on the wall.

"Now, what is so important that you felt you had to stand outside my door and rehearse what to say for so long." Za asks

Ga sighs "Captain, we have just discovered Belle and Shawn have escaped. Now that in and of itself might not be a bad thing, except they found the matter transporter and have transported themselves to our home planet."

Za stares at Ga in disbelief "AND? Oh God do I really want to know?"

"Well that depends" Ga says "Oh the upside our planet is still there..."

"JUST SPIT IT OUT! Za shouts

"Sir, please remember, no one could have foreseen this disaster." Ga says "Our King was sure he had planned for every possible type of attack. At least every LOGICAL one."

Za closes his eyes and pinches between them as if he has suddenly developed a migraine. "Go on."

"Well Belle and Shawn managed to transport themselves into the medical facility in our capitol city. Once there, Shawn grabbed what he assumed was a weapon out of one of the labs." Ga says

"Do I want to know what it was?" Za asks "Keep going."

"The thing Shawn grabbed was in reality a DNA transference device." Ga explains "Even if he had known what it was, he wouldn't have understood it's purpose. On Earth they still reproduce sexually. We of course did away with that method centuries ago since it often led to unplanned reproduction and inferior DNA matches. I believe it was your ancestor who first separated reproduction and sex wasn't it sir?"

"Yes, about 10 generations back, on my mother's side." Za says "She was so disappointed when I chose exploring other worlds over becoming a doctor or a research scientist. But I just couldn't handle all those guys in college who called me 'the grandson of sex'. The separation of sex and reproduction was the best thing that ever happened to our civilization. It made us superior. Okay, stop trying to distract me, keep going with your report."

"Well, Shawn didn't know how to use the DNA extractor at first, but never underestimate the power of stupidity." Ga says "He not only figured it out, he turned the setting to FULL. As in no DNA filters, bad traits as well as good would be transferred."

"OH GOD NO" Za's eyes grew wide "He didn't figure out how to . . . "

"Yes, sir" Ga says "I am afraid he figured out how to shoot it. And in the process with each shot, transferring his DNA into any fertile female of our species rendering her instantly pregnant."

"How, how how" Za can barely speak "How many?"

"Our best estimate is just over 100." Ga says "There was some sort of concert going on in the convention center across the street from the hospital. And Shawn somehow ended up on stage..."

All Za can do at this point is moan.

"Shawn got the device stuck on constant auto-fire" Ga continues "And it took several minutes before security was able to subdue him and turn the device off. The center was locked down quickly, and all women inside are undergoing pregnancy tests as we speak."

"And Belle?" Za asks "Go ahead, I can take anything at this point."

"Well that's the bright side to this, if you can call it that." Ga says "Security was able to distract her with some shiny things, and lure her into a personality re-programming module. Once inside technicians managed to access the few working brain cells she has and increase their capacity to store information. It took some doing, but they think with a few more sessions Belle could be retrained to be a productive member of our society."

Captain Za heaves a heavy sigh, and goes to a small panel in the wall of his quarters. He pushes a few buttons, some lights flash and a glass appears in his hand. He downs the contents in one gulp and repeats the process.

"So within the next year we will be up to your elbows in half human moron babies correct?" Za asks

"Our scientists are working right now to adapt the personality re-programmer for pre-natal use." Ga says "They are hopeful at least some of the babies will be born normal. With a reasonable amount of intelligence. But they aren't sure they can eliminate the anger issues."

"So we'll be surrounded by babies who need anger management classes" Za says "I am not sure that's much better."

"Well the King had an idea, but it would depend on your being willing to help." Ga says

"What can I do?" Za asks "Take the babies back to earth?"

Ga is quiet.

"You aren't serious! Where would we take them?" Za asks

"The King thinks we could take them all back to Salem. We would have to use the time travel device, but we could take the babies and re-locate them one at a time at various points in Salem history. If we did 1 or 2 a year, no one would notice." Ga explains

"But what about the gene pool? Won't that play havoc with it?" Za asks

"Well from what we can tell," Ga says "the people of Salem aren't exactly equipped with a full set of chromosomes as it is. Everyone is already related to everyone, so it won't be that big of a deal."

"Well then," Za sighs "I guess that's the plan. Of course the King will issue a decree that forbids any further exploration of Earth, I am sure."

"Already drafted and signed." Ga says

"Okay then, I guess the only thing left to do is wait for the babies to be born." Za says "We'll have to retro-fit the ship with cribs and hire some babysitters."

"I have the plans on the ship's computer, and will start interviewing babysitters next week." Ga says "Anything else before I go?"

"Yes," Za says "Once this is all over, you will NEVER EVER let me hear the names Shawn and Belle again. Correct?"

"No idea who you're talking about sir." Ga replies

Ali and Johnny Are Recruited

Upstairs in the former Dimera mansion, Sami peeks one more time at the sleeping twins before closing the bedroom door and going downstairs.

Inside the twins' bedroom Ali listens at the door. As soon as she is sure Sami is downstairs she gives the all clear.

"I thought she'd never leave." Johnny says hoping out of his crib

"Yeah well you COULD be a little less into the breast feeding thing you know." Ali rolls her eyes.

"Hey, I can't help it." Johnny grins "I'm Italian after all."

"Yeah in your dreams," Ali says "You're about as Italian as Pizza Hut."

Suddenly a panel in the wall opens and Ciara Brady steps out.

"Who are you!" Ali gasps "And what are you doing coming out of the wall?"

"Should I get mom?" Johnny asks "I can try crying, but she doesn't always pay attention to that. I could knock something over, maybe Uncle John would come to see what we broke this time."

"Calm down you two." Ciara says "I'm family. Well sort of family. We're cousins I guess. I'm Ciara and my dad's your Uncle Bo."

Ali takes a long look at Ciara and whispers to Johnny, "I've heard of her. But very few people have ever actually seen her."

"How can we be sure it's actually her then?" Johnny asks

"Well, I figure she has to be who she says she is" Ali explains "Who else would claim to have Bo and Hope as parents if it weren't true?"

Johnny nods in agreement and the twins turn their attention back to Ciara.

"Well are you done deciding if I'm for real or not?" Ciara asks

"We believe you," Ali says "But that still doesn't explain what you are doing here."

"I'm here to recruit you." Ciara gets right to the point. "To be an operative in the ISA."

Again Ali and Johnny exchange looks. "The ISA? REALLY?" Johnny is excited "But we are just kids, what can we do?"

"For years the ISA has used the kids of Salem as undercover agents." Ciara explains "They can listen in on conversations and not be suspected, they can move freely in areas where an adult would be arrested or at the least suspected of spying. And above all else, they are, on the whole, much more intelligent than any of the adults"

The twins nod as each point is explained.

"Right now, we have several operations going, and we are down one very important agent. Your cousin Claire. She had to leave with her dimwit parents to avoid any suspicion. And although she has escaped them, she can't re-surface until it is time to let the rest of Salem know they are missing at sea."

"Belle and Shawn are missing?" Johnny says "Well that's going to send mom into one of her classic whining fits."

"Not to mention how freaked out Grandma Marlena is going to be." Ali agrees

"Uncle John will be ticked they lost his boat already." Johnny grins "But at least he was smart enough to get a butt load of insurance on it before they left, so that will ease his pain, so to speak."

"See now that's the kind of information we're talking about!" Ciara says "I bet there aren't many adults who know John insured Belle and Shawn's boat for a lot of money."

"I don't think anyone else knows." Ali says "Didn't he have you down in his office with him that day you wouldn't take a nap? Mom was upstairs with me and asked him to watch you while she gave me a bath."

"Yeah, he had me on his lap and was showing me all these papers, telling me what they all were and explaining how this deal was going to make him this much money, and that deal was going to bring down this company." Johnny says

"Now you get it." Ciara says "Adults don't think us kids can even begin to understand what they are talking about when they show us things like bank statements and office papers. They just think we like to hear them talk, but we don't know what they are saying. When in reality we do."

"So you want us to join you and the ISA and help spy on the grown ups?" Ali says "What's in it for us?"

"Pretty much everything." Ciara says "You get to travel around the world, have unlimited expense accounts, and best of all you get to find out just how stupid the grown ups really are. You will be amazed at how much you can get away with just by being 'a good kid'. Parents figure if a kid is behaved they can ignore them. And they do."

"But what about cookies?" Johnny says "I heard stories about Claire getting unlimited cookies. Is that true?"

"Of course not Johnny!" Ali says "No one gets unlimited cookies."

Ciara smiles "IF you join us, you wil."

The twins' eyes grow wide at this.

"You mean it's true?" Ali gasps "We can have all the cookies we want?"

"And crackers!" Johnny says excitedly "Please tell me we get crackers too!"

"Cookies, crackers, candy, ice cream, chips. Whatever you want, you get it. And more." Ciara smiles "And the best part, if you play your cards right, they leave you with Doug and Julie. And when you're with them, the sky's the limit. Toys until you fall asleep standing up, snacks any time, and no one ever ever ever tells you no!"

"And all we have to do is keep our eyes and ears open and report back the things we hear the grown ups talk about?" Ali says

"At first yes." Ciara says "Then later you'll be gathering information other ways. Like taking pictures of documents, checking computers for information and sending that to us, getting copies of discs, things like that. You won't be asked to do anything really complicated until you go through your training."

"Wow," Johnny says "It all sounds really cool. What do you say Ali? Are we in?"

Ali sits quietly for a few minutes, thinking.

"So how long can we do this? I mean, at what age do we stop?" Ali asks

"Usually around 12 or so" Ciara says "About the time your mind gets over run with hormones and you start acting stupid. You know like an adult."

"But there have to be some of you who last into adulthood. Otherwise there wouldn't be any grown up agents." Johnny says

"There are, there are." Ciara says "And I'm not saying you guys won't be among the few who do make it. But you have to understand, if you become useless to us, we will erase your memory of your time with us and you'll never know the difference."

"So is erasing our memory dangerous?" Ali asks

"Well I won't lie, we have had our failures." Ciara says "Hope, Kayla, Bo...and of course our worst ever, Shawn and Belle."

"Shawn and Belle were kid agents?" Johnny gasps "What happened?"

"There was an unfortunate incident with the memory erasing process." Ciara says "Too much was removed, and well, lets just say the agent responsible was punished."

"Who was it?" Ali whispers

"Steve Johnson" Ciara says "His punishment was he had to come back from his faked death and live with your Aunt Kayla again. Needless to say, he was not happy about it. But you can't mess up as bad as he did and not expect to pay the price."

"Wow" the twins say together.

"Okay, now the time has come, are you guys in?" Ciara asks.

"YES!" Ali and Johnny don't hesitate with their answer.

"Great, now let's get you started on your first assignment." Ciara says

All About Nicole

Nicole walks into the Dimera mansion and tosses her fur, and the dog, onto the sofa. She walks over and pours herself a drink. John comes in and gives her one of his patented "new John" looks.

"Making yourself at home?" John asks

"Well I need to feel welcome somewhere" Nicole snaps back "My re-entry into Victor's life went over like Stefano at a Brady family reunion."

"Ahh I expected as much." John smiles "So Victor was not happy to see you."

"Not happy would have been an improvement, trust me." Nicole says "And what is up with Diva Barbie? When did Phillip hook up with her?"

"It's a long story, and one I don't care to get in to right now." John says "Besides I'm supposed to have lost my memory remember?"

"Yeah, I heard something about that." Nicole says "So why exactly did the ISA want me to come back here? It can't be just to mess with ol' Vic."

"Well that's part of it," John says "But you're right there is more to it."

"Well I'm all ears" Nicole sits on the sofa "Tell me why the big brave ISA needed little ol' me to fix their problem."

"We don't need you to fix anything, as much as we need you to distract Victor." John says "You see the Kiriakis ships have been unloading, or rather trying to unload containers for the past week. I have been stopping those containers. And up until now, I haven't had any problems, but then Victor got wind of it and frankly I just don't want to have to deal with the old man."

"Scared are you?" Nichole grins

"No, more like just not wanting to put that much time and energy into fighting him." John pours himself another drink "You see Phillip has been in charge down at the docks for the past few months, and getting around him was fairly easy. But now I guess Jr. can't handle things and has gone whining to his daddy. I need those containers stopped, and I can't do it if Victor gets involved."

"So what's in the containers?" Nicole asks

John stops mid drink and turns away, "That is none of your concern."

"Oh REALLY?" Nichole says "I'm curious now. It must be something big or you wouldn't have had to get me involved."

"I don't have the authority to give out that information" John says "Let's just say it is something that the town of Salem doesn't need in it."

"Okay now I HAVE to know." Nichole says "You can't just expect me to waltz back into Victor's life and wreak havoc without a really juicy reason."

"Why not?" John smirks "Wreaking havoc seems to be your specialty. It is, what you DO."

"True." Nicole says "But if I'm distracted by not knowing what's in those containers I may not do the best job. I could, just get bored. And if that happens you never know. I might even talk Victor INTO getting more involved with his shipping line. THEN where would you be?"

"Are you threatening me?" John frowns

"No darling" Nicole laughs "I'm just making sure I have an Ace up my sleeve. When all this blows up I want to make sure no one has any reason to suspect I had ANYTHING to do with it. And I sure YOU don't want everyone to know you've been faking your little brainwash thing all this time."

"They told me not to underestimate you." John smiles "And they were right."

"So are you going to tell me or not?" Nicole asks

John takes another sip of his drink and stares into space. He turns to Nicole and give her one of his "looks", then sits on the sofa

"I assume you remember the Paris Hilton video that surfaced a few years ago" John begins

"Of course" Nicole rolls her eyes "What about it?"

"And of course the infamous Tommy Lee and Pamela video?" John continues

"Oh LORD!" Nicole rolls her eyes again "You know I met Pamela when I was in Hollywood. I swear I don't know what the big deal is with her. It's no wonder she quit doing Baywatch. She's so plastic she'd melt if she stayed in direct sunlight for longer than 5 minutes."

"Well while those videos may have given those involved an extra 15 minutes of fame, what with all the media attention they got" John explains "There's another side of the story that no one talks about. Did you know the price of Hilton stock fell 20 points after the release of Paris' video?"

"Okay, sex video bad, I got it. But you still aren't telling me what's in those containers." Nicole said

"Well I am in a way." John says "You see, the ISA has discovered that Stefano has been secretly taping all the..uh...liaisons between Salem couples over the years, and now he's put them on DVDs that he plans to release all over the country."

"But I heard Stefano was in an irreversible coma" Nicole says

"That's what he wants everyone to think." John explains "Two weeks ago one of our agents discovered Rolf woke Stefano up not long after he supposedly went into his coma. Stefano has been pretending ever since. He replaced all the workers at the home he's in with his men. And he's been running his operation from his hospital bed ever since."

Nicole stands up and looks at John. You can almost see the wheels turning in her head as she processes this information and mentally goes through her past hook ups.

"But if he wanted to ruin everyone in Salem, why would he have the containers unloaded IN Salem?" Nicole asks "Why not New York or LA?"

"Because he knows if some of those affairs came to light it would cause chaos in Salem." John explains "There would be divorces, custody battles, paternity would be questioned. Stefano knows that. So what more perfect place for the DVDs to be released first than right here in Salem?"

"OH - MY - GOD!" Nicole gasps "John we have to stop those containers!"

"Exactly" John says "Now are you in?"

"All the way." Nicole says "Just tell me what you want me to do."

Claire Explains It All

MEMORANDUM

To: Shane Donovan - ISA Director
From: Ciara Brady - Senior Agent
Re: De-Briefing of Agent Claire Kiriakis on Mission Fancy Face IV
____________________________________________________________________

The following is a transcript of the oral de-briefing session regarding the events that occurred during the final weeks of the Fancy Face IV investigation.


Agent Kiriakas:

Testing..is this on?
My name is Claire Kiriakis and I am a senior agent working for the ISA.
During the months of March 2008 through August 2008 I was a passenger on the vessel Fancy Face IV.
My mission was to monitor the events that happened on the vessel and insure the subjects Belle and Shawn Brady (hereafter referred to as BB and SB) did not become involved in any international incidents that might cause a breach in our nation's security.

The voyage began uneventfully, with BB spending the bulk of her day on deck sunning herself and painting her toenails, while SB pretended to know what he was doing with regard to the navigation of the journey.

The second day out, SB dropped the batteries for the GPS system overboard and since he neglected to purchase back up batteries, attempted to navigate without it.
I tried to give hints on how to use the ocean charts and maps provided by the Coast Guard when the vessel left Salem Harbor, however SB disregarded all suggestions.
I felt any further attempts would jeopardize my cover.

After being forced to witness BB and SB engage in what only can be described as high school make-out sessions for hours at a time, while allowing the vessel to drift aimlessly, I came to the conclusion if the situation were allowed to continue we would all be dead within a week.

Every night after BB and SB would go to sleep I would spend several hours correcting SB navigational mistakes and plotting a new course for the next day. While under normal circumstances this plan would have worked, I underestimated the power of complete ignorance and SB's sheer stupidity. Every morning SB would take the vessel off its charted course and sail in the opposite direction. The result being we were traveling in a circle with a radius of approximately 100 miles. Since we were only 50 miles outside the confines of Salem Harbor I decided to let it continue and hoped eventually we would eventually end up back in Salem. I was incorrect in my assumption.

By the end of the second month BB had started drinking heavily. I discovered a bottle of the medication Xanax in her bag and determined her behavior although altered, was no where near as dangerous as SB's.

The following is an abbreviated list of what can only be described cataclysmicly ignorant acts.

1. Used all but a few gallons of the vessel's fresh water supply to fill an inflatable swimming pool. SB's reasoning was that we were surrounded by all the water we could ever need (referring to the ocean) but he didn't like swimming in it because it "tasted nasty".

2. Couldn't figure out how to turn on the vessel's on-board navigational computer.

3. Turned off the vessel's radio because it "gave him a headache".

4. Spent hours each day randomly turning the wheel and singing Popeye the Sailor, Sea Cruise, and the theme from Gilligan's Island. At the end of the latter he would spin the wheel several times to simulate the shows credits.

5. Had to be stopped several times from trying to re-create the "riding a knife down the sail" scene from old pirate movies.

6. Chipped 2 teeth diving off the side of the vessel with a knife clenched in his teeth. Again trying to re-create a scene from a pirate movie.

7. Built a fire directly on the deck because he wanted to make 'smores by a real campfire.

After months of enduring this behavior, along with BB's daily bouts of catatonia from drinking her "mommy juice", I decided to break character and risk blowing my cover by contacting headquarters for help. I had just made contact using my cell phone, when BB walked in on me. She was easy enough to get rid of, but after this incident I could not find my phone anywhere. I attempted to persuade BB to help me find it, only to find out she had hidden it until I could learn how to "take my nap nap like I am supposed to instead of playing on my toy phone".

During the final 2-3 weeks BB began to make a series of attempts to kill SB by pushing him overboard. Each time he was able to re-board the vessel, but something told me it was just a matter of time.

On the final night a small storm had blown in and we were below deck waiting for it to pass. After one particularly brilliant lightening strike followed by an enormous thunder clap, BB lost it completely. She began babbling over and over, "all boat and no land make Belle kill Shawn". After close to an hour of this, she came out of the galley with a large knife and lunged at SB. He got away from her and ran up to the deck.
Through the window I could see them fighting but lost sight of them after the lightening stopped.

I waited until morning to go out on deck and found it empty. I searched for them for several hours then contacted the Coast Guard via the radio.

I can only surmise the two of them fell overboard during their struggle and are either lost at sea or dead.

The opinion of this agent is Belle and Shawn Brady were both together and singularly a waste of space on this planet and we are all better off without them.

One final note: As the Coast Guard prepared to tow the Fancy Face IV back to Salem Harbor I could have sworn I saw a large cigar shaped object with brightly colored lights around it, dip down in the area where SB and BB went overboard then rise back up quickly and disappear into the sky. I attribute this sighting to lack of sleep and fatigue.



I hereby swear the account of this incident is true to the best of my recollection.

Claire Kiriakis
Sr. ISA Agent.

The Diary of Belle