I'm BAAAAAACK!!!!!

Late last summer we took a little trip.
Went along with Lumi down the mighty Mississip.
They went to rebuild houses, cuz they wanted to be “green”.
And help Katrina victims who were down New Orleans.

[Chorus:]
They finally got married but the troubles kept a'comin.
EJ, Kate, and Andre, Colleen, Santo, Stefano.
Babies, letters, bombings, and a moldy old vendetta.
All these things all tied up an leather folio.

We suffered while the Santeen letters made our brains go numb.
Acted out with phony accents so we’d know where they were from.
Sami threw conniption fits, and bawled and cried and whined.
Lucas just looked constipated yelling “Sami’s MINE!”

[Chorus]
Old Stefano was almost dead but had a big surprise
Ending the vendetta in the twinkling of an eye
Instead of Sami Roberts we’d have Mrs EJ Wells.
And anyone who didn’t like it could go straight to HELL!

[Chorus]
Yeah, the Bradys pitched a fit about the terms to end the feud
They all ganged up on Sami screaming you can’t do this NO!
Forget about the letters and all this vendetta business.
We’ll keep you protected like we always have you know.

The Salem cops decided that they’d fake kill Stefano.
But it fell apart when Andre kidnapped Roman, fooling Bo.
John got turned to roadkill and poor Benji lost his life
Sami bawled “I can end it all, by being EJ’s wife!”

[Chorus]
Yeah, the dumb plotlines keep coming, and they don’t look like they’re stopping.
We never know from day to day which way they’re gonna go.
We’d give up if we could but we still just keep on hoping.
That someday things will make sense on our favorite TV show.

A Phone Rings In Sicily

A phone rings in the hallway of a richly furnished home.
A beautiful dark haired maid answers it.

"Corleone residence" she says softly "Si.....si....just a moment"

She pushes the button to place the call on hold and walks over to a set of carved double doors. She knocks softly. A voice inside tells her to come in.

"Don Corleone" the maid speaks with awestruck reverence "a phone call, from America"

A swarthy hand reaches for the phone on the desk and picks up the receiver.

"Yes, this is Michael Corleone"

"Godfather" EJ's crisp British accent comes over the line "I am sorry to intrude on your day, but there is a problem I must discuss with you."

"Elvis" Michael sounds pleased to hear from his favorite Godson "what can I do for you?"

"Godfather, I am so sorry to have to tell you, Andre is dead" EJ says "he was killed by Shawn Brady. While he lay helpless in his hospital bed. Our family was in the midst of negotiating a peace agreement when it happened."

"I see" Michael's voice is tight with emotion "And how is your father taking it?"

"He is beside himself Godfather." EJ explains "He is a broken man. He has lost two sons in the space of a week, and now our family comes to you for vengeance."

"When my brother Sonny was gunned down by the Tetaglia family we handled our own vengeance." Michael replies "Why is it that one of the most powerful families in the world, needs help to take care of an insignificant family such as the Bradys?"

"Under normal circumstances, Godfather, we wouldn't" EJ says "But these Bradys, they are united. They just seem to keep out maneuvering us.."

"Out-smarting you is more like it" Michael interrupts "you have failed with every attempt you have made."

"But Godfather, we have tried!" EJ whines

"STOP WHINING AND BE A MAN!" Michael loses it "Do you think I have not been keeping an eye on what has been happening? Your pathetic attempts to gain control of the situation make me SICK!"

"But Godfather...I, I mean we.."EJ Stammers

"ENOUGH!" Michael cuts him off "I will be on the first plane out today. It is time I took control of this situation and ended it once and for all."

The line goes dead and EJ stares at it for a second.

"Oh dear, what have I done?"

Stephano Phones Home

Tony Soprano sits in his study reading the racing form, when his phone rings.

"Yeah, wadda ya want?" Tony hates being interrupted

"Cousin Tony, it's Stefano, I need your help."

Tony pauses for a second, and sighs deeply, "Who gave you this number?"

"Cousin Tony," Stefano continues "My mother was your father's sister! We are family, and I need your help"

"Stefano, I have done all I can for you. I gave you the Salem territory and you have done nothing but make mistakes at every turn" Tony scolds "Tell me are all the Bradys dead? No, and why? Because you tolerate incompetence."

"But Tony!" Stefano says "I have done all I can! I have kidnapped them, blackmailed them, brainwashed them, turned them against each other . . ."

"Everything but killed them right?" Tony asks "Every think of that? Just kill them?"

"Well, yes, but I, well, there wouldn't be any drama in that would there?" Stefano stammers

"DRAMA? What? You think this is some kind of soap opera here?" Tony shouts "Just kill them all and get it over with!"

"But my son, EJ" Stefano explains "He has fallen in love with one of the Bradys. I must ensure his happiness"

"EJ?" Tony throws his paper across the room "That idiot? Your adult son can't handle his love life and you have to change your entire life to make him happy? And what is with you calling him EJ anyway? You only do that to be more like me don't you? I call my son AJ you call yours EJ. Enough with trying to be like me, you'll never be me, you don't have the cajones!!"

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!" Stefano roars "Don't you know the power I have?"

"Power?" Tony laughs "My wife Carmela has more power than you! You really want to end this vendetta thing, I'll send Paulie, Bobby and Johnny Sack to Salem tonight and this whole thing will be over by morning. Bada bing bada boom, no more Bradys"

"I am telling you I have this under control!" Stefano says "I just need your help to get rid of Lucas Roberts, then I will be able to carry out the rest of my plan"

"You can't get rid of a little insect like Lucas Roberts without my help?" Tony laughs "And you expect me to think you have this under control?"

"Well yes," Stefano replies "Then Samantha and EJ can get married and take over for me."

"What happened to Andre?" Tony asks "I send you my best soldier and what do you do? You stop him every time he gets close to doing his job? And speaking of soldiers, why do you insist on hiring idiots like Bart? All he did was get himself killed and now you don't even have him?"

"The Bradys happened to Andre" Stefano explains "The Bradys are the reason for everything!"

"All the more reason I should send my boys to finish this" Tony explains "I tell you what, we'll take out ONE of the Bradys for you. Then see if you can't handle the rest"

"Fine" Stefano says, "I choose John Black, his death will cripple Marlena, who in turn will turn against Sami and blame her, and then I will take it from there."

"Done," Tony says "You want I should make it look like an accident?"

"NO!" Stefano says, "I want the Bradys to know it was anything but an accident"

"Okay, but if this doesn't end things I am sending in my boys" Tony warns

"Fine, it is done" Stefano says

They hang up.

"Well my dear, does that make you happy?" Stefano asks

Belle sits in a chair across from Stefano and files her nails.

"Yeah, for now" she says "Once my dad is out of the way maybe my mom will pay more attention to me. And then my stupid sister will blame EJ and then I can get him to kill Shawn for me and I will finally be free! I never realized how hard acting stupid can be!"

"You think that's hard? Try acting like a 2 yr old" Claire walks in with a bottle of champagne "Lets toast to our freedom mom!"

Claire, Belle and Stefano toast as a dark figure watches from outside the window.

The Maury Show

*Applause applause...
Maury comes out:
"On today's show we have more drama and excitement than we have ever had on any show before! We have paternity tests, lie detector test and secret confessions all in ONE!""\

*Audience goes crazy

"Up first we have Kayla and Steve, this couple are trying to adopt an abandoned baby they claim was left at the hospital by his mother. Let's welcome them.."

Kayla and Steve come out, audience cheers.

"Well guys lets hear your story, you found this baby at the hospital?"

"Yes Maury," Kayla beams as a video screen shows Pocket backstage, *audience goes Awwwwwwww
"He was abandoned and I just couldn't see him go to a foster home."

"We called him Pocket-Man, cuz he's just so cute you wanna put him in your pocket" Steve slurs

"But now, we have a man who claims he is the child's father, and he wants to take him away!" Maury shouts gleefully
*Audience boos as the video screen shows Phillip backstage.

"Phillip Kiriakis, come on out"

Phillip walks out to boos and hisses, he flips off the audience, and starts yelling at them. "HEY, SHUT UP, YOU DON'T KNOW ME! THEY TOOK MY SON!"

*Boos and bleeped out cuss words ensue as Phillip pulls a chair to the other side of the stage and sits down.
He no more than gets seated then Steve jumps up, runs over and starts chest butting Phillip. Bouncers pull them apart, the audience freaks out.

"He's MY son!" Patch screams "You go to hell and leave him alone!"

"You're a lunatic!" Phillip counters with the obvious "He's MY son, he belongs with me!"

Kayla sits on the stage rolling her eyes, "No Steve stop, don't, no" She says in a monotone voice.

Maury pops up with "the" piece of paper "I have the paternity results right here!"

Everyone returns to their seats, as Maury reads;
"In the case of baby Pocket. . . Phillip, you ARE the father!"

The audience explodes, and a Maury staffer brings Tyler out and hands him to Phillip.

Steve screams "NOOOO" pulls a gun out of his jacket and points it at his own head. "Give him back or I'll shoot man, I swear I will"

The audience starts to chant, "SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT" DOOL fans at home join in. Steve looks over and is shocked to see Kayla chanting.
"Sweetness! How could you?" He says
"Oh Steve, I am tired of your insane act! Lets just go home okay?" Kayla runs off the stage and Steve follows.

Maury stands on the stage looking confused, but recovers quickly.
"Next up, we have Sami. She's pregnant with twins, but has a secret to reveal to her husband Lucas"

*The audience reacts Ooooooooo

Sami comes out and sits down. Behind her Lucas is on the screen looking constipated as usual.
"Sami," Maury begins "what is this deep dark secret you want to reveal to your husband today"

Sami starts blubbering "Last year I told my husband our neighbor raped me. The truth is I wanted to sleep with him, I had wanted to for a long time. And now I am not sure who the father of my babies is."

*The audience boos. Up on the screen Lucas is picking his nose.

"We had DNA tests," Sami continues "But I paid the guy to fake them"

"Let's bring Lucas out, shall we?" Maury gestures for Lucas to come out.

*The audience jeers as Lucas comes out, looking confused

"Okay Sami, go ahead" Maury is practically drooling

"Lucas," Sami begins "You know I love you, and I have made so many mistakes, and you always forgive me for them, and I know you just want to protect our family, and we have been through so much..."

Lucas is distracted by the shiny lights and Sami has to get his attention again.

"Lucas, EJ didn't rape me, and he might be the father of our babies"

Lucas stares at her for a minute, then his face turns purple and he starts screaming "I don't believe you, how could you do this!"

Sami sits blubbering and bawling. The ever sensitive Maury, pipes up "Here's EJ!"

*The audience loses it, screaming, dozens of bleeps are heard.
EJ walks out smiling calm and cool as always.

Lucas stands up and starts screaming "I'll kill you!! Somebody stop me, I'm going to kill him!" No one moves to stop him, so he looks confused and sits down. "How could you do it!! How could you sleep with my wife!! That's my WIFE!"

"I am well aware of who the lovely Samantha is married to" EJ replies calmly "And we were NOT having an affair, it was a one night stand"

"Yes yes!!" Sami sobs "it was only once, but I let him, I wanted him to. He didn't rape me."

"We had EJ take a lie detector test!" Maury breaks in "Here are the results...
We asked if you and Sami had sex other than the one time Lucas knows about, you said no, the lie detector said you were telling the truth!"

*The audience cheers

Maury calms them down and continues "We asked if you forced Sami to have sex with you. You said no the lie detector said, you were telling the truth!"

Lucas storms off and Sami follows blubbering. Backstage he punches walls and flips out. Sami is on her knees begging for forgiveness. EJ sits calmly on the stage and smiles.

Maury coaxes Lucas and Sami back to the stage so the freak show can continue.

"We did DNA tests on the babies, and here are the results..." Maury sits to read "Sami when it comes to the twins, EJ...you are NOT the father!"

*The audience cheers and Sami and Lucas hug.

"Lucas, we gave you a test as well, and when it comes to Sami's twins, Lucas..."
Maury pauses a very long time.
"You are NOT the father!"

Sami looks horrified and screams! She falls onto the stage and cries hysterically.
Lucas stands staring at first her and then EJ and then Maury.
"How can this be? Sami what are you not telling me??"

"This can't be happening!" Sami shrieks "I swear Lucas there was NO ONE else"

"Maury? May I be allowed to speak?" EJ says "I too have a secret I would like to reveal"

*The audience reacts, OOOOOOOO

"If I may, I would like to tell Samantha, although she is charming and quite hard to resist, I must confess my attentions lie elsewhere."

Sami looks confused, then looks over at Lucas who is staring intently at EJ.

"My love, we have hidden our passion for too long..." EJ stands up and holds out his hand.

The audience erupts into chaos as Lucas runs across the stage and jumps into EJ's arms.

Maury looks at the camera, "We'll be back after this message!"

V For. . .That V Word

Stefano pours himself a drink in his drawing room, and raises his glass in a toast.

"To the Bradys" He says "May they rest in peace"
He downs his drink and turns to see Benji walking into the room.

"AH Benjamin! I see reports of your death were greatly exaggerated, congratulations on a wonderful performance!" Stefano says as he raises his glass to toast Benji

Benji rolls his eyes "How hard could it be to play dead? I've been playing deaf all these years!"

"Well you have done well, my son!" Stefano continues "Our plan to destroy the Bradys using LEGAL means is right on track"

"Well I have done my part, now you have to do yours. You'll leave me alone forever right?" Benji asks

"Of course my son! You know I always keep my word" Stefano replies

"Yeah, right..." Benji rolls his eyes again.

"Benjamin, have you forgotten? The plan is for the Brady family to destroy itself by freaking out trying to prove WE are the evil ones"

"Yes father," Benji says "You have Steve Johnson in jail and soon you will let Kayla Johnson try to kill you with mal-practice."

"Corrrrrect!" Stefano blusters "Then we will trap Roman and Bo in a false arrest conspiracy, so they lose their badges. Then of course THEY will seek revenge, and I will have them!"

"I know, then John Black will die when you switch all the traffic signals to change as soon as he crosses the street." Benji says

"Now son, you know I will have nothing to do with those signals! They will malfunction all on their own. John Black's demise will be a result of him not opening his eyes wide enough to see them change." Stefano explains

"Finished those signals boss!" Bart enters wearing a lineman uniform and a tool belt. He is leaving a trail of tools as he walks across the room.

"Thank you Bart, that will be all." Stefano says

"Cool, the cook just made some pie and boy oh boy am I hungry" Bart rushes out of the room.

"Yeah, some accident" Benji mutters under his breath

"Okay okay," Stefano says "So I made sure a mental incompetent got a job on the Salem public works dept. Like that wasn't hard."

"Hey, I am not saying a word" Benji shakes his head and leaves the room

"Soon the Bradys will all be either dead or in prision for life," Stefano brags to an empty room "And none of it will be at MY hand"

"No father you will be completely innocent" Andre says as he enters "I however will be blamed for resurrecting the vendetta."

"Please please, enough with the V word my son" Stefano winces at the word VENDETTA!

"Fine, father. But how do we know the Brady's will self destruct like you say they will?" Asks Andre

"Because they are idiots," Stefano explains "They will fall all overthemselves trying to blame all this on me, and in doing so they will seal their own fates. One by one."

"And Samantha Brady will marry my son and the children she bears will be raised as Dimeras." Stefano beams with success.

"But father, aren't you forgetting about . . . Marlena?" Asks Andre

"Marlena will do as she is told" Stefano slams down his glass on the bar "Marlena Evans will be my bride."

"But won't that make Sami and EJ brother and sister?" Andre asks "How will you get them to stay together once they are?"

"That," says Stefano "is the beauty of my plan. They will stay together and shame Shawn Brady Sr. into stress he never knew existed!"

Stefano pours himself another drink and laughs.

"But the best part wil be......"

Death Takes A Long Weekend

The Angel of Death glances at the sign alongside the road.
Salem 1 mile ahead

He sighs and shifts his Porsche into 5th gear. Salem again. When will the boss just give up on this place and just burn it down, or flood it, whatever, just get rid of the place altogether.

But that won't happen. Death knows it, he doesn't like it, but he knows it.

The sign indicating the Salem city limits comes into view. Death reaches over and grabs his list.
John Black.

"THAT GUY? AGAIN?" Death slams on his brakes and pulls over.
He pulls out his laptop and cross references his past lists.
Sure enough, John Black, one, two, three.... "JESUS, how man times do I have to collect this dude?"

"As many times as I tell you to"
Death jumps out of his skin as he looks up and sees Jesus has appeared in the passenger seat.

"Don't DO that!" Death gasps "I may be immortal but I can still have the crap scared out of me!"

Jesus chuckles to himself and peers over at the laptop.

"Look, I don't make these decisions. Dad just likes to mess with these Salem people for some odd reason." Jesus explains

"Well it's getting really old." Death snaps back "It's bad enough he keeps sending people back, but then he makes me go collect them again and again. It's not like I don't have other things I could be doing."

"I know, but look at it this way," Jesus sighed "at least you don't have to put up with them very long. You get to collect them, drop them off and go about your business. I have to welcome them, show them around, judge their immortal soul...listen to them whine about how hard their life was, blah blah blah. Try doing that more than once with the same person."

"Could be worse, I could be collecting Chloe" Death snickered

"OH SHUT UP! I already told Dad, he brings her up and I am out of there. Willow was bad enough!"

Death stifles a laugh "Willow! Yeah she was a piece of work. You should have seen her face when I told her Hell didn't want her"

"Don't remind me," Jesus sighed "I had to let her in upstairs, and now she's causing all kinds of trouble."

"Yeah, I can imagine." Death said, closing his laptop. "Okay let's do this, John Black it is."

"OH before we go I almost forgot, Dad sent this down." Jesus hands Death a fo-lded leather pouch "its another soul you have to collect while you are here"

"Another one?" Death says. He opens the fo-lded leather pouch and pulls out a piece of paper. He reads the name and looks up at Jesus.

"Have you seen this?" asks Death "Do you know who I am collecting?"

Jesus takes the paper from Death and sees the name.

"NO WAY!! This CAN'T be right! You have to collect. . .