The Maury Show

*Applause applause...
Maury comes out:
"On today's show we have more drama and excitement than we have ever had on any show before! We have paternity tests, lie detector test and secret confessions all in ONE!""\

*Audience goes crazy

"Up first we have Kayla and Steve, this couple are trying to adopt an abandoned baby they claim was left at the hospital by his mother. Let's welcome them.."

Kayla and Steve come out, audience cheers.

"Well guys lets hear your story, you found this baby at the hospital?"

"Yes Maury," Kayla beams as a video screen shows Pocket backstage, *audience goes Awwwwwwww
"He was abandoned and I just couldn't see him go to a foster home."

"We called him Pocket-Man, cuz he's just so cute you wanna put him in your pocket" Steve slurs

"But now, we have a man who claims he is the child's father, and he wants to take him away!" Maury shouts gleefully
*Audience boos as the video screen shows Phillip backstage.

"Phillip Kiriakis, come on out"

Phillip walks out to boos and hisses, he flips off the audience, and starts yelling at them. "HEY, SHUT UP, YOU DON'T KNOW ME! THEY TOOK MY SON!"

*Boos and bleeped out cuss words ensue as Phillip pulls a chair to the other side of the stage and sits down.
He no more than gets seated then Steve jumps up, runs over and starts chest butting Phillip. Bouncers pull them apart, the audience freaks out.

"He's MY son!" Patch screams "You go to hell and leave him alone!"

"You're a lunatic!" Phillip counters with the obvious "He's MY son, he belongs with me!"

Kayla sits on the stage rolling her eyes, "No Steve stop, don't, no" She says in a monotone voice.

Maury pops up with "the" piece of paper "I have the paternity results right here!"

Everyone returns to their seats, as Maury reads;
"In the case of baby Pocket. . . Phillip, you ARE the father!"

The audience explodes, and a Maury staffer brings Tyler out and hands him to Phillip.

Steve screams "NOOOO" pulls a gun out of his jacket and points it at his own head. "Give him back or I'll shoot man, I swear I will"

The audience starts to chant, "SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT" DOOL fans at home join in. Steve looks over and is shocked to see Kayla chanting.
"Sweetness! How could you?" He says
"Oh Steve, I am tired of your insane act! Lets just go home okay?" Kayla runs off the stage and Steve follows.

Maury stands on the stage looking confused, but recovers quickly.
"Next up, we have Sami. She's pregnant with twins, but has a secret to reveal to her husband Lucas"

*The audience reacts Ooooooooo

Sami comes out and sits down. Behind her Lucas is on the screen looking constipated as usual.
"Sami," Maury begins "what is this deep dark secret you want to reveal to your husband today"

Sami starts blubbering "Last year I told my husband our neighbor raped me. The truth is I wanted to sleep with him, I had wanted to for a long time. And now I am not sure who the father of my babies is."

*The audience boos. Up on the screen Lucas is picking his nose.

"We had DNA tests," Sami continues "But I paid the guy to fake them"

"Let's bring Lucas out, shall we?" Maury gestures for Lucas to come out.

*The audience jeers as Lucas comes out, looking confused

"Okay Sami, go ahead" Maury is practically drooling

"Lucas," Sami begins "You know I love you, and I have made so many mistakes, and you always forgive me for them, and I know you just want to protect our family, and we have been through so much..."

Lucas is distracted by the shiny lights and Sami has to get his attention again.

"Lucas, EJ didn't rape me, and he might be the father of our babies"

Lucas stares at her for a minute, then his face turns purple and he starts screaming "I don't believe you, how could you do this!"

Sami sits blubbering and bawling. The ever sensitive Maury, pipes up "Here's EJ!"

*The audience loses it, screaming, dozens of bleeps are heard.
EJ walks out smiling calm and cool as always.

Lucas stands up and starts screaming "I'll kill you!! Somebody stop me, I'm going to kill him!" No one moves to stop him, so he looks confused and sits down. "How could you do it!! How could you sleep with my wife!! That's my WIFE!"

"I am well aware of who the lovely Samantha is married to" EJ replies calmly "And we were NOT having an affair, it was a one night stand"

"Yes yes!!" Sami sobs "it was only once, but I let him, I wanted him to. He didn't rape me."

"We had EJ take a lie detector test!" Maury breaks in "Here are the results...
We asked if you and Sami had sex other than the one time Lucas knows about, you said no, the lie detector said you were telling the truth!"

*The audience cheers

Maury calms them down and continues "We asked if you forced Sami to have sex with you. You said no the lie detector said, you were telling the truth!"

Lucas storms off and Sami follows blubbering. Backstage he punches walls and flips out. Sami is on her knees begging for forgiveness. EJ sits calmly on the stage and smiles.

Maury coaxes Lucas and Sami back to the stage so the freak show can continue.

"We did DNA tests on the babies, and here are the results..." Maury sits to read "Sami when it comes to the twins, EJ...you are NOT the father!"

*The audience cheers and Sami and Lucas hug.

"Lucas, we gave you a test as well, and when it comes to Sami's twins, Lucas..."
Maury pauses a very long time.
"You are NOT the father!"

Sami looks horrified and screams! She falls onto the stage and cries hysterically.
Lucas stands staring at first her and then EJ and then Maury.
"How can this be? Sami what are you not telling me??"

"This can't be happening!" Sami shrieks "I swear Lucas there was NO ONE else"

"Maury? May I be allowed to speak?" EJ says "I too have a secret I would like to reveal"

*The audience reacts, OOOOOOOO

"If I may, I would like to tell Samantha, although she is charming and quite hard to resist, I must confess my attentions lie elsewhere."

Sami looks confused, then looks over at Lucas who is staring intently at EJ.

"My love, we have hidden our passion for too long..." EJ stands up and holds out his hand.

The audience erupts into chaos as Lucas runs across the stage and jumps into EJ's arms.

Maury looks at the camera, "We'll be back after this message!"