As The Lard Be Me Weetness

*It's been a while but I think I remember how to do this:

A woman stands next to a suitcase. She holds a picture in her hand staring. With a sigh she places it into the suitcase, we see it is a picture of YOMB. She closes the suitcase and turns.
Picking up the suitcase she walks to the door. As she starts to open it a voice stops her.

"Helen? Where are you going?"

Colleen turns and faces a man looking concerned. She bites her lip, puts down her suitcase and walks to him.

"Bob, we need to talk" she begins "I have been living a lie all these years and now I must go and try to right the horrible wrong I have created."

Bob looks confused but Colleen keeps on talking:

"My name is not Helen, it's Colleen. I was a nun in Ireland right after WWII. I fell in love with a married Italian man who seduced me and broke my heart. I had left the church for him and he lied to me. I faked my death to avoid hurting my family any more, but now things have gotten so bad for them because of what I did, I have to go back and tell them I am still alive and try to make up for the years I missed."

Bob stares at her for a minute "Umm Helen? Exactly how were you a nun in Ireland after WWII? You're a 47 yr old half Black, half Asian woman. We went to high school together, I've met your entire family, seen home movies of you growing up and, you're Jewish."

Colleen starts to cry "See? I am such a good liar you fell for all of my deception!" She reaches down and starts to dig at her neck. Suddenly a flap appears and Colleen pulls off her mask. When she turns around she's her usual blonde self. Complete with her patented poofy blonde flip.
"There. Oi have been wantin' te tell ye fer the longest of toimes"

Even her bad Irish accent is back

"Me Da dinna raise me to be a loyer, but I have been livin' a loy oll these years havin' Oi?

Bob is horrified. He stares at Collen, the real Colleen for a second then faints. Collen looks at him on the floor for a minute the decides it would be a good time to make her exit.

She picks up her suitcase and walks out the door.

"With the Lard's help Oi will make this thing I have done royt. I dinna wanna have te do it this way, but the pile of roobish me family has become, is just mar then Oi can toolerate. As the Lard be me weetness, Oi will make this royt!!"

Next:

Law & Order SCS - Salem Part 2

Salem Courthouse
Salem USA

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy sits in his office reading over some papers.

A.D.A. Connie Rubirosa enters. She sits down in front of Jack’s desk.

“Jack, we have a problem” Connie sighs

“Yes, I know.” Jack answers “Four suspects, 2 confessions, no evidence, and a police department whose officers have less training than mall cops. Grade school hall monitors know more about the law than these bozos!”

“Now be fair Jack” Connie says “From what I have been able to figure out from the DNA reports CSI turned in, everyone here is related to everyone else. It’s like the road company of Deliverance.”

Jack closes the file he’s been reading and stands up. “Well let’s go see if we can make a deal with SOMEONE”

Salem Police Headquarters
101 Front St.
Salem USA

Jack and Connie sit in the interrogation room, Lucas enters in handcuffs.

“Well Mr. Roberts, we have the gun you tried to hide by mailing it to yourself.” Jack starts out “And we have the testimony from the babysitter you hired while you went to the church.”

Lucas stares with his usual I-need-a-laxative look on his face.

“We know you threatened EJ Wells on more than one occasion, AND in front of witnesses” Connie says “We have enough to convict you Mr. Roberts.”

Lucas still stares.

“Can he hear us?” Jack asks

“I don’t know” Connie says “There’s nothing in the file that says he’s deaf.”

“Mr. Roberts, we are trying to make a deal with you, say something.” Jack says

Suddenly the door opens and Mickey Horton shuffles in.

“Mickey Horton, for the defense.” He begins “My client withdraws his guilty plea on the grounds that he mis-read his day planner. It was actually a DISOWN-my-mother day and Mr. Roberts thought it was a defend-my-mother day.”

“What in blazes are you talking about?” Jack says, “That makes no sense at all.”

“On the contrary, it makes perfect sense.” Mickey explains, “Mr. Roberts was only confessing to the shooting of EJ Wells because he was trying to save his mother. It wasn’t her day, so he withdraws his plea.”

“But we have a signed confession” Jack explains “And we are prepared to go to trial on this.”

“You also have confessions from Kate Roberts, Andre Dimera, Steve Johnson, Roman Brady, and Claire Kiriakis” Mickey pulls paper after paper out of his briefcase “But to be fair we usually don’t accept confessions written in crayon, so that takes care of Mr. Johnson’s.”

“This is insane!” Connie says “All those people confessed to a crime when there was no evidence against them.”

“Exactly!” Mickey says triumphantly “Kate Roberts was intoxicated at the time, so hers is out. Andre Dimera was legally insane. Roman Brady, well he’s the police commander so he can’t possibly have done it. And unless you want to be known as the ADA who tried to prosecute a 1 year old, well then you have no one to charge.”

“Yes, there you go!” Jack tries to reason with Mickey “That leaves Mr. Roberts as our only suspect.”

“So that means he couldn’t possibly have done it!” Mickey says, “Let’s go Lucas.”

“STOP RIGHT THERE!” Jack jumps up “We are taking this to trial and we are going to win!”

Lucas frowns even harder and starts to look eerily like Squint. Jack and Connie stand up and leave.

Superior Court
Trial Part 45

“Mr. Dimera, can you tell us about all the times Mr. Roberts threatened your life?” Jack asks

“Yes sir,” EJ answers, “Lucas never missed a chance to tell me he wanted me to die. On more than one occasion he told me he’d do it with his bare hands if need be.”

“And did Mr. Roberts ever physically attack you?” Jack continues

“Funny you should ask” EJ smirks “There was one time in Samantha’s hospital room where Lucas attempted to strike me, but he couldn’t quite reach my jaw so he punched me in the knee cap. Quite painful I might add.”

“Objection your honor.” Mickey stands up “The witness is speculating that the defendant is short, when in reality he is of average height.”

“What kind of objection is that?” The judge asks

“Umm I don’t know, I just hadn’t heard the sound of my own voice for a while..”

“OVER RULED” The judge snaps

“No more questions your honor” Jack sits down

“Mr. Wells, or is it Dimera?” Mickey begins “No matter. Did Lucas Roberts shoot you?”

“I have no idea.” EJ answers, “Isn’t that the whole point of this trial? To find out who shot me?”

“Your honor I move for a mis-trial on the grounds that the victim can’t identify who shot him, so that means my client is innocent.” Mickey declares

“Mr. Horton!” The judge is cranky “I don’t want to know WHICH law school you attended, because at the moment I am wondering IF you attended law school at all!”

“I received my degree from Salem University your honor.” Mickey says proudly “It took me the better part of an entire weekend to do it too!”

The courtroom erupts into laughter and shouting. The judge bangs the gavel and calls for order.

Suddenly the doors of the courtroom burst open and Frankie Brady dashes in.

“Your honor, I have new evidence that will blow this case wide open!” He shouts

“Mr. Brady,” the judge says “So help me if it turns out you are only doing this because you always wanted to see what it was like, I will put you on death row!”

“No no really I have evidence” Frankie explains, “The shot that hit EJ came from the front of the church! Lucas was in the back of the church at the time.”

“Okay, so get to your point” Jack says “Who the hell shot EJ Wells?”

“It was John Black!” Frankie says triumphantly

The doors open and Squint, alive and well strolls into the courtroom. Marlena screams and faints. Sami starts to cry. Belle looks confused. Pard stands grinning.

Bo hands Hope $1 as she whispers “We are going to have to have another kid for you to make up all the diaper duty you have now Brady.”

“AND!” Frankie continues over the chaos “Since John Black was legally dead at the time of the shooting, he cannot be charged with any crime!”

“Your honor! Your honor!” Jack shouts, “You can’t let these people get away with this! It’s a travesty! It’s a slap in the face of our justice system!”

“It’s they way they do things here in Salem Mr. McCoy” Judge Judy bangs her gavel and stands up “SO GET OVER IT! Case dismissed!”

Law & Order – SCS Stupid Criminals – Salem

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime. And the District Attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

St. Luke’s Church
666 Damien St.
Salem, USA

A wedding is taking place. From three areas, three guns are pointed at the couple exchanging their vows. Three shots ring out. The groom falls.

Detective Lenny Briscoe and Detective Rey Curtis arrive on the scene.

“Lenny, we got one hell of a mess here.” Curtis says

“I see that.” Lenny replies “Who the hell is in charge here?”

"That would be me!" Bo Brady steps up " We secured the scene, and the only people we've allowed in here are my wife, my son, the victim's father, his brother, the bride's sister, her daughter, my daughter, my niece, her sorority sisters..."

“Whoa, maybe you better tell me who HASN’T wandered through here!” Lenny says

“Let’s see” Bo opens his note book “ummmm no one.”

“Okay,” Curtis says “I guess we can forget about ballistics, since your lab guy doesn’t believe in wearing gloves or tagging evidence”

“Hey!” Bo snaps “Our evidence lock up is secure. I know because we’ve only lost 2 maybe 3 pieces of evidence in the last year. This should be an easy case to solve, we don’t need evidence.”

“Yeah” Lenny smirks “it’s gonna be a walk in the park”

“Oh this shooting didn’t happen in the park, it happened right here.” Bo says.

Lenny and Rey exchange looks and eye rolls.

Dimera Mansion
430 Lakeview Dr.
Salem, USA 06649

“Mr. Dimera, can you think of anyone who would want your son dead?” Lenny asks

“I will tell you EXACTLY who shot my son” Stefano declares “The BRADYS”

“Can you be a little more specific? You can’t swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a Brady.” Lenny says

“What do I care?” Stefano says “As far as I am concerned they are all guilty”

“Yeah, well we kind of need to know some specific names. Anyone make a threat against your son lately” Lenny continues

“I am telling you, it was a Brady!” Stefano insists “Go ask them your impertinent questions. See if they admit their guilt. They won’t. There will be no justice for my son.”

“Well give us a name, someone to start with at least.” Lenny tries again

“Roman Brady!” Stefano says “Go talk to him. I am sure you will find it quite illuminating.”

Roman Brady’s house
334 Sycamore St.
Salem, USA

“Commander Brady” Rey begins “We have witnesses who say you were at the church the night EJ Wells was shot. Can you give us a reason to think you aren’t the shooter?”

“Well detective, if you ask my brother Bo, he’ll tell you he took my gun from me that night. So how do you figure I shot Elvis Dimera?” Pard drawls.

“Yeah, like a cop, or more to the point, the head of the Salem Police department only has ONE gun” Lenny says “Explain that to us”

“I can’t” Pard smirks “So I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.”

“Several people have told us you were very upset your daughter was marrying the victim.” Rey says

“Tell me YOU wouldn’t be upset if YOUR daughter was marrying the man who raped her detective.” Pard snarls

“Rape?” Lenny asks “No one told us anything about a rape.”

“Well then I guess you DON’T know everything do you?” Pard says “Anyway, there are plenty of people in this town who would love to take a shot at ol’ Elvis”

Brady Pub
48 Water St.
Salem, USA

“So you’re telling me your dad took your Uncle Roman’s gun from him and he was sure he didn’t have another one.” Lenny sits at the bar talking to Shawn

“Yep, I saw him with my own eyes. And I am going to the police academy pretty soon so I know my Uncle Roman only had the one gun.” Shawn boasts

“Lenny, check out what I found” Rey is behind the bar holding a gun

“Well, well, looks like the same caliber that shot EJ Wells” Lenny says

“Wow you can tell that just by looking at it?” Shawn gasps

“Uh yeah, we know what bullets go into what guns, and this one is a 38 the same as the casings we found.” Lenny answers

“Oh cool! So those case thingies they have something to do with the bullets?” Shawn’s mouth hangs open.

“Kid? Are you sure you’re ready to be a cop.” Rey asks

“Yeah! In fact in a few months I’ll be ready to make detective like you!” Shawn grins “And my fiancé is almost done with nursing school, she’s been going 2 whole months already.”

Lenny and Rey exchange looks again.

Kate Roberts’ Penthouse
1019 Salem Heights Towers
Salem, USA

“Are you sure you gentlemen won’t have a drink?” Kate floats around the room in a silk robe carrying a huge martini glass.

“No maam, not while we are on duty” Lenny says

“Hmm, never knew a cop to turn down a drink” Kate slurs “At least none here in Salem”

“That would explain a lot.” Rey mutters under his breath “Mrs. Roberts, we know you were EJ Wells’ former lover. We have the tape of the two of you that was shown at the Mythic board of directors meeting, and again at the shareholders meeting, and twice on pay per view, and is currently on You Tube…”

“Did you like it detective?” Kate purrs “I can assure you I am MUCH better in person”

“Yes, well I’ll just take your word for it maam” Rey looks a little green

“Admit it lady” Lenny gets in Kate’s face “You shot EJ Wells because you were jealous that he was marrying someone else. Someone you hated. They woman who already took away your son.”

“Whoa there big fella” Kate says “I may have hated Sami but I didn’t not want her dead. I mean if I shot at her I wouldn’t have missed, ummm no that’s not what I mean. Why would I want to shoot EJ? It’s Sami I wanted dead, I mean not dead but out of the way. Oh dear this isn’t coming out right is it?”

Rey’s cell phone rings, he answers it and talks for a minute.

“Lenny, I need to talk to you in the other room for a minute.” Rey says as he hangs up the phone.

“I just got a call. They found a gun with Mrs. Robert’s fingerprints on it.” Rey says

“Great lets get her downtown.” Lenny says

“There’s another problem. The gun belongs to Roman Brady.” Ray looks in at Kate swilling down another martini “And both of them are the same caliber as the gun that shot Wells.”

“That’s all we need, more confusion.” Lenny sighs and goes back in to Kate “Mrs. Roberts you are under arrest for the attempted murder of EJ Wells”

“Oh! Handcuffs! I looooooove hand cuffs” Kate’s eyes glass over “Wait, I need my leather boots and my whip.”

Lenny and Rey exchange eye rolls and proceed to cuff Kate who seems to be enjoying it a little too much.

Salem Police Headquarters
101 Front St.
Salem USA

Lenny and Rey take turns trying to get a confession out of Kate. Unfortunately she is getting overly excited by all the manly attention. She flirts, coos, and makes obscene suggestions to both cops.

Outside the room Lt. Anita Van Buren watches. Finally she can take no more and raps on the glass for the detectives to come out.

“Quite a handful isn’t she?” Lt. Van Buren asks the two red faced detectives

“Yeah, I think she’d confess to the OJ murders if Rey smiled at her the right way.” Lenny smirks.

Suddenly the door bursts open and Lucas storms in.

“Let my mother go! She didn’t do it!” He yells

“Oh yeah? Well why don’t you enlighten us as to who DID do it?” Rey says

Lucas pauses and does his “what smells bad in here?” look.

“Well?” Lenny says “We’re waiting”

“Huh?” Lucas looks even more constipated “I can’t answer yet, I’m not done yelling a bunch of incoherent things and frowning a lot.” He proceeds to do so.

“Hey you!” Lenny pokes Lucas “You came here to say something, say it.”

Lucas pulls out his day planner “Hang on, I have to check to see if this is a disown my mom or defend my mom day. Okay it’s a defend day. I confess, I shot EJ!”

Lt. Van Buren looks at Lucas. “Little man, are you sure you know what you are saying? We don’t have any evidence that points to you.”

Kate bursts out of the interrogation room, “Lucas STOP! You don’t know what you’re saying!”

Bo walks in with Steve Johnson in hand cuffs. “I got your shooter right here!” he says to the group.

“Now who is THIS?” Lt Van Buren asks

“It’s the guy who shot EJ.” Bo says “I know because we always arrest Steve for everything that happens here in Salem, and we figure eventually we’ll get it right.”

Pard strolls in and stands against the wall looking amused.

“Whenever everyone is done” he yells over the din “I got your shooter right here.”

Everyone looks up surprised. Pard does his patented we’s-just-folks grin.

“Well everyone, all of you may have fired at Elvis, but none of you were good enough shots to hit him. Your shooter, is right here.”

Pard opens the door and out walks, The Woman In Black! Pard reaches over and pulls the veil off.

Andre Demera!!!!!!!!!!

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to this story!

CSI - Salem

Theme song (as always from The Who):
Ain't got no distractions, can't hear no buzzers and bells. Don't see no lights a flashin'. He plays by sense of smell. Always gets the replay, never seen him fall. That deaf dumb and blind kid, sure plays a mean pinball.....

Gil Grissom stands in St. Luke's church. Yellow crime scene tape and little plastic numbers are placed on the floor and around the pews.
Catherine Willows walks in.

"Okay we swept the outside of the church and got some fibers and footprints" She reports "The shell casings the Salem PD found won't do us any good. They already ruined them."

"Ruined them?" Grissom looks confused "How did they do that?"

"Well" Catherine explains "Evidently they thought they looked dirty so they gave them to this clerk working in the office, a Shawn Brady, and he used a wire brush to clean them up, as he put it 'real good'. Bottom line here is any striations that WERE on the casings are gone now."

"Yes, well that's not our only problem" Grissom replies "I guess it's standard procedure here in Salem to let anyone and everyone who feels like it, wander all over the crime scene. There are so many fingerprints on the one gun we found we'll never be able to figure out who the shooter was. And the blood spatter area, well see for yourself."

Catherine shines her flashlight on the floor in front of the alter. It's completely clean.

"Where's the blood?" She asks

"Thats just it" Grissom explains "A Mrs. Shawn Brady Sr. came by right after the shooting and cleaned the area so well, we can't even get a reading with our luminol!"

"Oh wonderful" Catherine sighs. Her cell phone rings, she answers and talks for a few minutes. She hangs up and looks at Grissom.

"I know that look, I gather that phone call was more bad news." Grissom says

"Yes, it was. How did you guess?" Catherine answers "That was Greg. He's at the pathetic excuse for a crime lab they have here and he has some character Nick Fallon helping him. This Fallon guy keeps taking evidence bags and trying to throw them away. Greg has his hands full just trying to keep what little evidence we have out of this idiot's hands."

"Well, I guess there are more than a few secrets here in this town."
Grissom quips "Secrets the good people of Salem would prefer stayed secret."

"Yeah, and that's not the half of it!" Nick Stokes walks up carrying a stack of files. "Every single DNA report in Salem has been tampered with in some way. Either switched, changed, deleted, or faked from the get go. To get accurate DNA profiles we would have to do swabs on the entire town and start from scratch."

"I don't get it." Grissom says "WHAT is going on here? What are these people trying to hide?"

"Well whatever it is, they're doing a great job at it" Sara Sidle enters "Soil analysis from footprints found in the confessional show minute levels of shale and limestone native only to a small town in Ireland. Gallway, is the name I believe. And to top it off, some guy who keeps referring to himself as "Super Max" keeps asking me if I want to go for a ride in his race car!"

"Okay people" Grissom announces "If we ever expect to figure out who our shooter is, we are going to have to come up with some real evidence. Now does ANYONE have ANYTHING we can use?"

Silence falls over the group. Each looks at the other and waits for someone to say something.

"Okay, let's go over what we know" Grissom walks to the front of the church "Elvis Dimera was standing here, he has just finished saying his wedding vows. Suddenly 3 shots ring out..(The requisite CSI re-enactment plays as Grissom talks) One shot from the confessional, one from the side vestibule, and one from the back of the church. One bullet hits Dimera in the back. Now from the angle of the wound it would appear the bullet came from NONE of these areas, now how could that be?"

Catherine opens her note book "In the confessional we found a blonde wig and a nun's habit. In the vestibule we found a prescription for Xanax written for a Dr. Marlena Evans-Black, prescribed by Dr. Marlena Evans-Black."

Sara steps up "In the back of the church we found a business card with the name Kate Roberts, Mythic Communications on it. Between the pews we found a baby's rattle with the initials C.K. on it, and a leather folio with several letters written in what appear to be Italian inside."

Nick goes next "Outside we found tire tracks from a limo, a Honda Hybrid, and a NASCAR class Monte Carlo. Also we found a matchbook from some place called The Cheatin Heart."

Greg rounds out the summary "Lab results show fingerprints from 5 different people and DNA from 3 others. 4 different shades of hair, fibers from cotton, polyester and silk fabrics. Traces of nitrous oxide, arsenic, C-4 explosive, carbon monoxide, Jimson weed, methanol, and gunshot residue from 3 different guns."

"So what you are all saying is we have no idea who the shooter is, and pretty much no way to figure it out" Grissom concludes

The CSI staff all nod in unison. Grissom takes this in and pulls his cell phone out of his pocket. He punches in some numbers and waits.

"Yes, Commander Carver? CSI Grissom here, yes sir we have gone over the crime scene and analyzed the evidence. Yes. . . . . yes . . . . yes sir.
Our findings? Well sir from what we can tell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

YOU PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MINDS! YOUR POLICE FORCE IS MADE UP OF TOTAL IDIOTS WHO COULDN'T SOLVE A CRIME IF IT HAPPENED IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SQUAD ROOM WITH 9 CAMERAS FILMING IT AND 12 EYE WITNESSES.

WE QUIT!!

Grissom hangs up his cell phone, picks up his CSI boxes and turns to his shocked crew. "Well, that went well. Shall we go?"

Early One Morning

The sun shines brightly through an open window. A soft breeze blows white sheer curtains across a large bed. A fluffy down comforter moves and Sami sits up in bed.

She looks around, confused at first. She gets out of bed and goes to the window.
Outside she sees the ocean and a beautiful beach.
Turning back to the room, she looks around wondering where she is. Suddenly she hears a shower running.
Following the sound she walks into a beautiful marble bathroom and sees a man through the foggy glass shower door.

As her heart pounds, she takes a deep breath and opens the door.

"Well good morning darling, did you sleep well?" EJ smiles at her.

"EJ! Where are we? How did we get here?" Sami stammers

EJ turns off the shower and wraps a towel around his waist and steps out of the shower.

"Why, on our honeymoon sweetheart? Don't tell me you've fallen out of love with me already" He laughs

"LOVE?" Sami gasps "I don't love you! I only did this to end the vendetta! You know that! And and .....wait, you were shot! You were paralyzed!"

"Samantha, are you sure you are completely awake darling?" EJlooks concerned "You're rambling. I can assure you I have not been shot nor am I paralyzed. And I have no idea on earth what this vendetta is you're talking about."

Sami runs into the bedroom and grabs the phone, then puts it down. Next to the bed is a picture of her in a white wedding dress with EJ at her side.
Holding the picture she turns and looks at EJ with her mouth open.

"You see my dear" EJ says softly "Our wedding picture, right there. You were so happy.."

"HAPPY?" Sami stares at the picture "Where did you get this? Did you have it photo shopped? Did Stefano have this done as some sick joke?"

"STEFANO?" It's EJ's turn to be confused "What on earth would Stefano Dimera have to do with our wedding?"

"Oh I don't know, he's only your father! And the reason I divorced Lucas and married you to end the sick vendetta HIS father started when he seduced my Aunt Colleen away from the church and then lied to her about being married and then she killed herself and ever since the Dimera's have been trying to wipe out the Brady family.."

EJ stares at Sami as she rambles on and on, then suddenly he starts laughing.
"OH Samantha! I get it, this is a joke! You 're having a laugh on me aren't you darling?"

"Joke? Why would I be joking? Oh trust me this is far from a joke!" Sami starts to cry.

"Darling darling!" EJ reaches out to hold Sami, but she flinches away. "You're serious! You really think Stefano Dimera is my father? And I forced you to divorce Lucas and marry me?"

Sami nods silently, still sobbing.

"And the only reason we are marrried is to end some vendetta the Dimera family has against the Brady family? Is that what you think?"

Sami nods again. EJ looks at her for a minute then gets up and walks to the dresser. He pulls out some papers and a large photo album. Walks back to the bed and sits next to Sami.

"Look here, my birth certificate," EJ hands Sami a document "My parents are the Duke and Duchess of Sherwood in England. Here is our family portrait."

Sami takes the photo album with shaking hands, and starts to flip through the pictures.
There, you see?" EJ points to another picture "Lucas is happily married to your sister Carrie. They have a son, John named after your step-father.
Here is a picture of us at his first birthday party, right before we got married see?"

Sami stares at the pictures, not believing what she's seeing.

EJ continues. "Here is a picture of Will on his way to boarding school in London, see how happy he looks? And here we are right after I won the Paris Grand Prix. See, you're handing me the trophy. And now we are in the Bahamas on our honeymoon." EJ gestures around the room "Now what on earth happened to make you think all those crazy things?"

"But but, I .. I" Sami stammers "I remember it all so clearly, you tried to kill Steve and Kayla! And you shot John. And you raped me! And I was pregnant and one twin was Lucas's and one was yours. And there were these letters from your grandfather and my aunt about their love affair and how on his death bed he swore vengeance against the Bradys and the only way to end it was for us to get married and and and....."

It's EJ's turn to be shocked "I raped you? Samantha you cannot be serious. I would never force myself on you. I cannot believe you think I would ever harm any of your family or that I could go so far as to try to kill one of them! And you're telling me you think you've given birth to twins??"

"Yes!" Sami continues "I had them in my mother's bedroom! It was after my dad was buried alive by Andre, in Stefano's grave because they faked his death to get Andre but he wasn't there Benji was and he died, and you and I look exactly like my aunt and your grandfather. So if we got married it would give their souls peace. Oh! And Stefano kidnapped John and forced my Aunt Kayla to do surgery in a warehouse to steal his kidney so he could have it transplanted into him. Then he realized he needed stem cells to cure him of whatever he's dying from. So you raped me to get me pregnant and then Dr. Rolf was going to kill the babies to get the stem cells, but then the DNA tests said the babies were both Lucas's, but they weren't. So you tried to freeze Lucas in a truck and .... Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Samantha. Do you realize how insane all of this sounds?" EJ said "All of those things you're talking about couldn't possibly have happened. Think logically. If I had raped you or tried to kill someone, wouldn't I be in jail? And do you have any idea how hard it is to remove, much less transplant a kidney? You need a team of surgeons and equipment, tests and months of recovery. My darling you were dreaming!

Sami sat for a minute staring at EJ. Gradually a look of realization came over her face. "OH. . . MY . . . GOD! IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!!!"

Sami stares at EJ then starts to cry. EJ hugs her and laughs.

"There there darling. Yes it was a dream. A horrible dream I assure you. I am not Stefano Dimera's son and I have never killed anyone in my life."

"OH EJ, how could it all seem so real?" Sami asks "How could a dream seem like it was really happening like that?"

"My dear, I am sure I don't know" EJ says "But we are here now, and we are happy and nothing will ever change that."

EJ gets up "I am getting dressed now and we will go out for breakfast and you can tell me more about this dream. It sounds incredible! I want to hear all about it."

EJ leaves the room and Sami sits alone staring at the pictures and documents on the bed. She looks around the room again and whispers to herself "But .....it was so real. But it was a dream. How could it all just be a dream?"

Next.

Writers? We Don't Need No Stinking Writers

Its the day of Sami and EJ's wedding.

In Vegas the odds makers are laying 3-1 that Sami will call it off, 2-1 that EJ will be shot, and 1-1 that the DOOL audience doesn't care anymore and wishes they would just get it over with.

Out in the hallway Stefano greets guests. Cousin Tony Soprano, Cousin Vito from Corleone, Cousin Victoria and her three sons.

Sami sits in the bridal room whining and sobbing. Marlena sits in the corner cleaning a gun muttering incoherently to herself.


Roman comes in and sits next to Sami. "Well here we are again," he quips "guess the old father -daughter advice for marriage has been covered a few times huh?"

Sami looks at him and laughs "Oh Daddy you always say the nicest things!"

Outside Lucas sits in a car parked across the street, polishing a gun.
"Yeah you slimeball, steal my wife will you?" he mutters. His cell phone rings "MOM! Okay I forget have I disowned you yet this week? I have, okay well then I forgive you, now what do you want?

Kate sits in the Cheatin Heart swaying on a bar stool as she yells into the cell phone "Lucas!! Lucas don't do anything stupid. No wait, I mean don't do what you usually do. No that didn't come out right either. Okay I have it, don't miss when you shoot!"

Inside the church EJ runs around laughing and posing for pictures. He is carrying Johnny around with him, showing him off like a prize he'd won at the carnival.

"My SON!" EJ shouts to a person passing with a camera and not stopping to take a picture. "Don't you want a picture of the Dimera heir?"

Stefano comes up behind him and slaps him on the back. "AH Elvis my son, I see you are showing the good people of Salem the future of the the Dimera family"

"Of course Father!" EJ smiles like he's the star of a toothpaste commercial.

Flash bulbs go off and the three generations pose for the camera.

Celeste watches from the corner of the church. She stares at the cozy little family scene and whispers to herself. "NO Theo, I will not let this Brady child take away your birthright! YOU are the first born Dimera grandson, and it is YOU who will inherit the dynasty." She pulls a gun out of her purse.

Over at the Salem PD, Bo stands in front of a large group of police. He points to a map showing the interior of St. Lukes church.
"Okay here's where the biggest threat comes from" Bo points to the map "this exit here may be come clogged when everyone exits the church. So the best way to get out of the church and over to this point, " Bo smacks a Krispy Kreme logo across the street from the church "is to just duck out the back door as soon as you hear the music start"

"But sir" an officer raises his hand "won't that make it hard to stop anyone trying to kill Mr. Demera?"
"No, " says Bo "It will make it easier for us to rush over there afterwards and wander around the crime scene disturbing evidence and erasing any chance of ever finding out who really shot him! Haven't you been paying attention?"

Back over at the church, Steve and Kayla sit in the back. Steve is cleaning his nails with a huge Bowie knife and singing "Mack the Knife" under his breath.
"mmm scarlet pillows, start to spread. Someones, sneaking round the corner...."
Kayla looks at him "STEVE! This is a church! You shouldn't be doing that!"

"Oh I'm so sorry sweetness," Steve apologizes. He puts the knife back into is jacket, pulls out a revolver and checks to make sure it's loaded "is this better?" He asks, and starts twirling the gun.

"Much" says Kayla and hugs his arm grinning

In the bridal room, Belle fusses with her bouquet. Chelsea comes in and watches her for a few minutes.
"No no no," Chelsea says "You have to hide the muzzle of the gun inside a ROSE, otherwise you'll be able to see it"

Belle smiles and says "Thanks Chelsea, I'm so glad you are good at killing people, I only know how to lie and whine"

"Ah think nothing of it" Chelsea blushes "You'll get used to it, after all you are marrying a Brady right?"

"Yep" Belle beams "And keeping a Kiriakis on the side!"

The girls giggle and start working on Belle's bouquet.

Sami emerges from the dressing room.
"Well?" She asks Belle and Chelsea "Do I look okay? The bridal shop gave me a buy 5 get the 6th dress free discount, so I got the most expensive dress they had"

"You look perfect" Belle gushes
"Beautiful, like always." Chelsea"

"Okay then" Sami sighs "Lets get this over with"

Sami walks out the door followed by Belle and Chelsea. Behind her a black gloved hand appears from behind the curtains in the room.

Next??