As The Lard Be Me Weetness
*It's been a while but I think I remember how to do this:
A woman stands next to a suitcase. She holds a picture in her hand staring. With a sigh she places it into the suitcase, we see it is a picture of YOMB. She closes the suitcase and turns.
Picking up the suitcase she walks to the door. As she starts to open it a voice stops her.
"Helen? Where are you going?"
Colleen turns and faces a man looking concerned. She bites her lip, puts down her suitcase and walks to him.
"Bob, we need to talk" she begins "I have been living a lie all these years and now I must go and try to right the horrible wrong I have created."
Bob looks confused but Colleen keeps on talking:
"My name is not Helen, it's Colleen. I was a nun in Ireland right after WWII. I fell in love with a married Italian man who seduced me and broke my heart. I had left the church for him and he lied to me. I faked my death to avoid hurting my family any more, but now things have gotten so bad for them because of what I did, I have to go back and tell them I am still alive and try to make up for the years I missed."
Bob stares at her for a minute "Umm Helen? Exactly how were you a nun in Ireland after WWII? You're a 47 yr old half Black, half Asian woman. We went to high school together, I've met your entire family, seen home movies of you growing up and, you're Jewish."
Colleen starts to cry "See? I am such a good liar you fell for all of my deception!" She reaches down and starts to dig at her neck. Suddenly a flap appears and Colleen pulls off her mask. When she turns around she's her usual blonde self. Complete with her patented poofy blonde flip.
"There. Oi have been wantin' te tell ye fer the longest of toimes"
Even her bad Irish accent is back
"Me Da dinna raise me to be a loyer, but I have been livin' a loy oll these years havin' Oi?
Bob is horrified. He stares at Collen, the real Colleen for a second then faints. Collen looks at him on the floor for a minute the decides it would be a good time to make her exit.
She picks up her suitcase and walks out the door.
"With the Lard's help Oi will make this thing I have done royt. I dinna wanna have te do it this way, but the pile of roobish me family has become, is just mar then Oi can toolerate. As the Lard be me weetness, Oi will make this royt!!"
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posted by Deb at
3:59 AM
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Colleen steps off the bus in front of the pub. She goes in and takes a seat. Caroline comes over and asks what she'll have.
"What's yer speecialty," asks Colleen.
"Chowdah," says Caroline.
The word brings back memories. Could it be? "What's yer chowdah like," asks Colleen.
"Did you ever do any farm work," asks Caroline.
"That I did in me yout," says Colleen.
"Did you ever slop pigs," asks Caroline.
"Maany tames."
"Did you ever give them anything they wouldn't eat?"
"Only once," says Colleen, "M'leetle broother was a-learnin t'cook. He madea batcha stoof so bad we couln'a eat it. So we ga'e it ta the pigs. N'matter what we did they wouldn'a go near that trough again. We had'ta burn it n'get 'em a new one."
"That' pretty much describes our chowdah," says Caroline.
Colleen thinks for a minute, "D'ya happen t'serve beergers?"
Colleen gives her order and looks around the room. Some of the faces seem strangely familiar.
Caroline goes back to the kitchen to put the order in.
She hears a strange knocking sound.
At first she's not sure where it's coming from, the looks towards the walk in freezer and sighs.
She opens the door and Shawn tumbles out.
"Shawn! How many times did your grandfather and I tell you not to close the door behind you when you go in the freezer!" Caroline scolds "you would think you would've figured it out the first 9 or 10 times it happened."
"Ssssorry grandma" Shawn says shivering "But I just didn't want the cold to get out"
"Okay okay there's an order up, do you think you can manage to cook a burger without burning the place down?" Caroline asked
"Duh" Shawn mutters "Who do you think I am? Belle?"
Belle suddenly sits up in bed. She looks around as if someone said her name.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Phillip sits up in the bed next to her.
"Nothing" Belle says "I thought I heard someone say my name"
"Sweetheart, you know you should talk to the doctor about those voices in your head." Phillip says
"Voices!!?" Belle starts to flip out "I DON'T HEAR VOICES PHILLIP!"
"Okay okay, relax." Phillip says
"How can I relax? I haven't even been married 24 hours and I have slept with you 3 times! I love Shawn, I can't do this to him." Belle sobs
"Sure you can." Phillip grins pulls her down to him and starts kissing her
"Oh Phillip no..no..don't...stop...OH PHILIP...DON'T STOP!!"
Inside the closet a video camera sits. The red record light is on and it is aimed at the bed.
OMG! That is hilarious. Maybe YOU should become a writer for DOOL??? ROFLMBO!
In a dark alley, the reconstituted John Black Porn-mobile sits idling. Inside, an unidentified ISA agent watches the monitor and tries to keep Squints from seeing the images.
"I know it's upsetting, sir. You faked your death so you could go undercover and figure out what Victor Kiriakis is really doing out in the Kate zone. We had no idea you would uncover the fact that your daughter is the town slut."
Squints turns his back on the monitor and does a few jaw clenches. "My Tink would never act like this. It's that sister of hers, Sami. Somehow this is all HER fault," he steams.
Meanwhile....
...the LuEJami sex tag team sits arguing about the V word. As if this wasn't enough, Lucas is resetting his alarm ready to disown Kate again, because she didn't like the name they chose for little________.
At the Pub, OMB walks in on Caroline and Colleen, who nearly chokes on her chowdah almost causing OMB a heart attack, followed by the "I thought you were dead I'm not a ghost I want to make things right this time" yadda yadda.
Meanwhile Shawn is still trying to figure out the freezer lock thingy and the burger is burning on the skillet. The smoke sets off the detectors. Belle and Phillip's romp gets interrupted upstairs by the cold shower from the sprinklers, while a clueless Shawn is still locked in the freezer.
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