CSI - Salem

Theme song (as always from The Who):
Ain't got no distractions, can't hear no buzzers and bells. Don't see no lights a flashin'. He plays by sense of smell. Always gets the replay, never seen him fall. That deaf dumb and blind kid, sure plays a mean pinball.....

Gil Grissom stands in St. Luke's church. Yellow crime scene tape and little plastic numbers are placed on the floor and around the pews.
Catherine Willows walks in.

"Okay we swept the outside of the church and got some fibers and footprints" She reports "The shell casings the Salem PD found won't do us any good. They already ruined them."

"Ruined them?" Grissom looks confused "How did they do that?"

"Well" Catherine explains "Evidently they thought they looked dirty so they gave them to this clerk working in the office, a Shawn Brady, and he used a wire brush to clean them up, as he put it 'real good'. Bottom line here is any striations that WERE on the casings are gone now."

"Yes, well that's not our only problem" Grissom replies "I guess it's standard procedure here in Salem to let anyone and everyone who feels like it, wander all over the crime scene. There are so many fingerprints on the one gun we found we'll never be able to figure out who the shooter was. And the blood spatter area, well see for yourself."

Catherine shines her flashlight on the floor in front of the alter. It's completely clean.

"Where's the blood?" She asks

"Thats just it" Grissom explains "A Mrs. Shawn Brady Sr. came by right after the shooting and cleaned the area so well, we can't even get a reading with our luminol!"

"Oh wonderful" Catherine sighs. Her cell phone rings, she answers and talks for a few minutes. She hangs up and looks at Grissom.

"I know that look, I gather that phone call was more bad news." Grissom says

"Yes, it was. How did you guess?" Catherine answers "That was Greg. He's at the pathetic excuse for a crime lab they have here and he has some character Nick Fallon helping him. This Fallon guy keeps taking evidence bags and trying to throw them away. Greg has his hands full just trying to keep what little evidence we have out of this idiot's hands."

"Well, I guess there are more than a few secrets here in this town."
Grissom quips "Secrets the good people of Salem would prefer stayed secret."

"Yeah, and that's not the half of it!" Nick Stokes walks up carrying a stack of files. "Every single DNA report in Salem has been tampered with in some way. Either switched, changed, deleted, or faked from the get go. To get accurate DNA profiles we would have to do swabs on the entire town and start from scratch."

"I don't get it." Grissom says "WHAT is going on here? What are these people trying to hide?"

"Well whatever it is, they're doing a great job at it" Sara Sidle enters "Soil analysis from footprints found in the confessional show minute levels of shale and limestone native only to a small town in Ireland. Gallway, is the name I believe. And to top it off, some guy who keeps referring to himself as "Super Max" keeps asking me if I want to go for a ride in his race car!"

"Okay people" Grissom announces "If we ever expect to figure out who our shooter is, we are going to have to come up with some real evidence. Now does ANYONE have ANYTHING we can use?"

Silence falls over the group. Each looks at the other and waits for someone to say something.

"Okay, let's go over what we know" Grissom walks to the front of the church "Elvis Dimera was standing here, he has just finished saying his wedding vows. Suddenly 3 shots ring out..(The requisite CSI re-enactment plays as Grissom talks) One shot from the confessional, one from the side vestibule, and one from the back of the church. One bullet hits Dimera in the back. Now from the angle of the wound it would appear the bullet came from NONE of these areas, now how could that be?"

Catherine opens her note book "In the confessional we found a blonde wig and a nun's habit. In the vestibule we found a prescription for Xanax written for a Dr. Marlena Evans-Black, prescribed by Dr. Marlena Evans-Black."

Sara steps up "In the back of the church we found a business card with the name Kate Roberts, Mythic Communications on it. Between the pews we found a baby's rattle with the initials C.K. on it, and a leather folio with several letters written in what appear to be Italian inside."

Nick goes next "Outside we found tire tracks from a limo, a Honda Hybrid, and a NASCAR class Monte Carlo. Also we found a matchbook from some place called The Cheatin Heart."

Greg rounds out the summary "Lab results show fingerprints from 5 different people and DNA from 3 others. 4 different shades of hair, fibers from cotton, polyester and silk fabrics. Traces of nitrous oxide, arsenic, C-4 explosive, carbon monoxide, Jimson weed, methanol, and gunshot residue from 3 different guns."

"So what you are all saying is we have no idea who the shooter is, and pretty much no way to figure it out" Grissom concludes

The CSI staff all nod in unison. Grissom takes this in and pulls his cell phone out of his pocket. He punches in some numbers and waits.

"Yes, Commander Carver? CSI Grissom here, yes sir we have gone over the crime scene and analyzed the evidence. Yes. . . . . yes . . . . yes sir.
Our findings? Well sir from what we can tell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

YOU PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MINDS! YOUR POLICE FORCE IS MADE UP OF TOTAL IDIOTS WHO COULDN'T SOLVE A CRIME IF IT HAPPENED IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SQUAD ROOM WITH 9 CAMERAS FILMING IT AND 12 EYE WITNESSES.

WE QUIT!!

Grissom hangs up his cell phone, picks up his CSI boxes and turns to his shocked crew. "Well, that went well. Shall we go?"