The REAL Legend of Colleen

After faking her death Colleen realized for the first time in her life she actually got to make her own decisions. No Church, no dad, no nuns or priests constantly reminding her of her "duty" or her "obligations". She was free.

So naturally her first stop was a bar.

Some time later she woke up in a hotel room.
Her head was throbbing, and she had no idea how she'd gotten there. As she looked around she heard the shower running. A man's tuxedo lay across the end of the bed. Puddled on the floor next to the bed was an evening gown. It was then Colleen looked down at herself. She was wearing a satin negligee' that felt very expensive, but more than that, on her finger she was wearing a huge diamond ring and an even bigger diamond wedding band.

The shower stopped and a tall dark man walked into the room.

"Ah darling you're awake" he spoke with a thick Italian accent "Shall I ring for breakfast?"

"Who, when, where?" was all Colleen could get out

The man laughed, "Oh my angel, you never cease to amaze me."

He walked into the outer room as Colleen spotted an official looking piece of paper laying on the bedside table. She picked it up. It was in Italian but Colleen could still make out that it was a marriage license.

"Colleen Brady and Constantine Alamain" she says the words out loud as if she can't believe it herself. Married? But how? When?
A flood of memories suddenly start coming back to her. She remembers traveling with a group of gypsies from the pub in Ireland to the south of France.

After a night of revelry and dancing she remembered meeting this man she thought at first, must be a prince. He was tall, handsome, wealthy, and for some reason completely taken with her.

She remembered shopping, modeling outfit after outfit while he smiled and kept telling her to try another. Each dress was more richly appointed and expensive than the last. But money was no object. His love would have the best.

After the shops of Paris, it was on to Monte Carlo. Colleen remembered the casinos and the grand ballrooms. At once point she vaguely recalled meeting a Prince who told Constantine he was pleased with his choice.

After that it was on to one gala or ball after another. Colleen couldn't remember dancing so much in her entire life. Every night she wore a different gown, every day Constantine would give her another gift. Jewels, trinkets, perfume, flowers.

The memories came faster and faster to her. She remembered a moonlight night on a balcony. The sound of the ocean pounding on the rocks below. Constantine holding her and telling her she was unlike any other woman he had ever met and he couldn't imagine his life without her.

It was then he turned her around and presented her with the ring she was now wearing. Down on one knee, the soft breezes blowing his hair, his smile, Colleen was overwhelmed and said yes.

The wedding itself was a quick affair in a small church, Colleen remembered insisting on being married in the church. A little old priest smiling as he gave them the sacrament, and blessed their union. Afterwards he remembered him blessing them even more after Constantine gave him a large bundle of money saying it was a donation for the orphans.

The sound of Constantine's voice brought her back to the present.
"Darling, as wonderful as it would be to stay in bed with you all day long, we must be going. We are to meet my brother Leopold and his wife Philomena tomorrow night. They will love you so. Oh and they will be announcing they are expecting a child. I know my brother will tease me about that. But I have a feeling it won't be long before we will be making our own announcement will it my dear?"

"Umm no, it won't" Colleen blushed at the thought of having a baby

"So hurry darling, we must be ready to leave. We are sailing on the Andrea Doria tonight."

Colleen got out of bed and decided that maybe she had made the right decision, when she left Ireland. This may be what she was destined for her entire life.

Bo and Hope's Excellent Adventure

Bo and Hope Brady drive aimlessly around the Irish countryside. Hope stares at the road signs, then looks over at Bo. He is intently staring at his notebook, pen in hand. He writes something down, then says "Damn, did it again!"

"What's wrong Brady," Hope asks "Trying to figure out who we're up against?"

"Huh?" Bo says "Uh no, just. . . well making notes I guess." He tries to put the notebook into his pocket but Hope reaches over and takes it from him.

"TIC TAC TOE?" Hope flips through page after page of games "YOU were playing Tic Tac Toe, BY YOURSELF? AND LOSING??????"

"Hey it's a hard game!" Bo says defensively "I am a hard guy to beat you know!"

Hope opens her mouth to say something and stops herself. He is so lucky he's good looking, she thinks to herself. Because if I'd married him for his brains. . we wouldn't be married.

"I thought you were going to do the navigation for us." Hope says

"I am, Fancy Face" Bo proudly reaches in to the glove box and pulls out a Garmin
"When we picked up the rental car I grabbed one of these babies. This will tell us turn by turn where we need to go!"

"Good work Brady!" Hope says "Turn that sucker on."

"Okay okay, give me a minute here." Bo fiddles with the buttons "What road are we on right now?"

"Well let's see," Hope pulls up to an intersection and looks at the signs "We are at the corner of Shite and Nadaplace" Hope looks at the signs again to make sure she read that right. "Brady I don't like the looks of this, we really need to get to New Ross"

"Hang on, I'm programming it now" Bo says as he punches buttons "Okay putting in where we are now, and where we need to go, and the time of day, and the average speed, and the road conditions...would you say it's dry and clear or dry and hazy? I think clear but those clouds over there look kind of hazy to me.."

"JUST PROGRAM THE DAMN THING!" Hope snaps impatiently

"Okay okay," Bo says "There I got it."

Bo puts the Garmin into it's little holder on the dashboard and pushes the START button.

"Weelcum ta Ireland" The box chirps "Yeer gunna wanna go farwerd froom hare"

"What did it say?" Hope asks

"I think it said to go far from here." Bo pushes the repeat button and they both listen.

"I think it wants us to go straight" Hope says "Didn't it have an English setting?"

"Hang on, let me see" Bo pushes a few more buttons

" 'ello guvna! 'have yerself a gander round, and if it's Nada Road yer on then yer doin' grand. Just head on down for 20 kilometers, hang a left and Bob's Yer Uncle."

"Bob's my uncle? Who's Bob? Hope I think this thing is trying to tell us some secret information." Bo says excitedly

"I think that thing needs to take a flying leap off of the Tower of London." Hope says "Put it back on Irish, at least we sort of understand that."

"But what about Bob?" Bo asks

"There is no Bob" Hope says "Forget about Bob."

"Easy for you to say, he's not YOUR Uncle." Bo mutters as he pushes buttons on the Garmin again "I bet Stefano kidnapped him too..."

"BO!" Hope snaps her fingers "Concentrate. Just fix the thing"

"Okay, I got it" Bo says

"Yeell be wantin ta tarn leeft at the Chorch, just ahead"

"There, now we're getting somewhere" Hope says

After a few minutes they spot the church and turn left. Hope looks over at the Garmin as it gives the next direction.

"The Lard be smilin on ye taday, as ye've reached yer destination."

"We're here?" Hope says "This doesn't look right."

They approach a small town and stop at a large sign on the side of the road.

"Welcome to Chandler? CHANDLER? Bo, we were supposed to be going to New Ross!" Hope says shocked

"Ross, Chandler, whatever, I knew it was one of those Friends guys. What difference does it make?" Bo says

"It makes a BIG difference! We're supposed to be going to rescue Claire, remember? How are we supposed to do that if you keep getting us lost?" Hope says, trying not to lose it.

"Claire, Claire, Claire." Bo says "That kid is always getting into trouble. Why do we keep having to go rescue her anyway? Can't your son keep track of his kid once in his life?"

"MY Son??" Hope says "Hello? Brady! He's your son too you know."

"So you say." Bo mutters

"WHAT?" Hope yells

"Nothing, nothing. It's just really frustrating how Belle and Shawn keep letting Claire get away. We don't have that problem with.....with.....what was her name again? The little one?"

"Ciera!" Hope says through her teeth

"Yeah, her. What's with that name anyway? I never liked that name. We should have named her Barbara. Oh better yet, Barbara Ann! Then we could sing that song for her, you know Ba-ba-ba, Ba-barb-ra Ann.." Bo launches into the old Beach Boys hit

"BO!" Hope slaps Bo across the face "Are you on drugs? Snap out of it!"

Bo blinks a few times and stares at Hope, who is at the end of her rope. She takes a deep breath and tries to collect herself.

"Okay, I'm sorry I did that, but we need to get going." She says "Obviously this thing is no help" Hope turns the Garmin off

"It's okay Fancy Face" Bo says "I brought a map, we can use it to find this New Rachel, "

"New ROSS" Hope says

"Yeah, sorry, New Ross." Bo smiles his best Crest White Strips grin and pulls out the map.

"Okay, we just have to go back to that church and keep going the other way." Hope says as she turns the car around and heads back in the direction they just came.

They make it back to the church and turn out onto the road they were on before and keep driving.

"Now we should see a sign pretty soon." Hope says "We passed one about 1/2 an hour ago that said New Ross was in 30 Kilometers"

"We should be there in no time." Bo says, As he looks over the map "Oh cool! It looks like we're going to go right through Kenosha! Can we stop for some cheese?"

A feeling of horror comes over Hope as she looks over to see Bo marking their route on a map of Wisconsin.

In The DOOL Writer's Room

The group of new writers sat nervously in the writer's room of DOOL.
The table they sat round was piled with DOOL scripts from the past several years. Some of the writers flipped through these scripts, some chatted, some just sat and looked around, still not quite believing where they were.

The door opens, Ken Corday and Diana Higley walk in.

"Good morning people, I hope all of you are here to work, because we have a long way to go today." Ken says in a loud voice

"We know many of you are new at this," Diana says "But this is a learn as you go process, so don't be afraid to speak up if you have questions."

"So, speaking of questions, let's just get right to that." Ken takes a seat at the head of the table. "Anyone have any questions about DOOL, and the current SL?"

After a few seconds of very loud silence, one of the writers raises her hand.

"Yes, you in the red" Diana says "And you don't have to be so formal, just speak up."

"Um okay, well I just want to know. . . well I guess . . . I sort of know . . . but I would like to hear the real reason from you guys....Why is Belle so stupid?"

An audible gasp came from the rest of the group and everyone waits to see how badly this would go.

"Well, we try not to think of Belle as stupid. That doesn't mean she's smart by any means, but we wouldn't say stupid. We'd say...naive" Ken answered "But just between us, it's because it's funnier that way."

"In case you hadn't noticed, DOOL is a parody of itself." Diana said "We know it's been a train wreck for several years now. But instead of trying to get it back on track, we've been selling tickets to see the wreck."

Every jaw in the room drops as Diana's words sink in .

"So you want us to write it. . .silly?"

"You bet!" Diana says "Get crazy. We want people watching not because they like the show, but to see what's going to happen next."

"You mean we can have even more people come back from the dead?"

"And change around who people's fathers are, even if they already did tests to prove who it was?"

"Wow! and we can make people hook up with people they don't even like and then fall in love with them?"

"And just toss new people in, and have them be related to people out of the blue?"

"OH oh oh! Like we could have Julie or Hope have another kid who just shows up all grown up and it's like, oops forgot to tell you all these years, I had a baby and just forgot I had it!"

"And kids can just grow up overnight, and no one ever has to work?"

"They already do that, stupid!"

"So? I was just making sure we could keep doing it. And I don't hear you coming up with anything new."

"I am, I just don't want YOU to know what it is."

"PEOPLE PEOPLE!" Ken stands up and waits until the room is quiet. "I am hearing some really great ideas being tossed out there, let's make sure we get them down on paper. Diana, may I talk to you before I leave?"

Ken and Diana exit the room and walk down the hall into another room. Ken goes to a switch on the wall and flips it. Immediately the wall turns into a one way mirror and the writer's room is revealed.

Everyone in the room is excitedly talking. Some are writing things down, while still others are actually up acting out scenes.

Ken turns the sound up for a moment and we hear:

"Mom! how could you just not tell me I had a sister!"
"I'm so so sorry Belle, I just completely forgot that I had a baby! And that I gave it away!"

"No no no, Stefano and John are brothers now, but we could make Julie be their long lost OTHER sister!"

"I just think if Shawn knew all along where Claire was why did he pretend to look for her? Oh well that's not a big deal."

Ken turns the sound down and smiles. "I think they will work out fine."

"And they're cheap, and hiring them doesn't break any of the agreements we have with the writer's union." Diana says smugly

"How could it? They couldn't join the union if they wanted to, so there's nothing the unions or their lawyers or anyone can do about it." Ken says.

"I have to hand it to you Ken" Diana says "It was a stroke of genius."

"Yes it was" Ken agrees, "Hiring FIFTH GRADERS to write DOOL is the best idea I have ever had!"

Are You Smarter Than A Box Of Rocks?

And now it's time for America's newest game show, Are You Smarter Than A Soap Character?!

And here's your host Alex Trebek!!

Alex: Thank you! And now let's introduce our contestant
This is Belle Kiriakis, a nursing student from Salem!!!

Belle: And a mother Alex, don't forget that.

Alex: Right you are Belle. Is your daughter with you today?

Belle: No Alex, right now she's in the hands of some kidnappers, but my
wonderful husband Shawn and my boyfriend, who used to be my husband
Phillip are out looking for her right now.

Alex: Ummm, ooooookay, are you sure you should be here Belle?

Belle: Oh sure Alex, it happens all the time, she'll turn up.

Alex: Okay then Belle are you ready to go?

Belle: Sure Alex, but aren't we supposed to do this show first?

Alex: Umm yeah, pick a category Belle

Belle: I'll take, first grade math! I can do that.

Alex: Here's the question: How many sides does a triangle have?

Belle: ~~*~~*~~*crickets*~~*~~*~~

Alex: Belle we need an answer.

Belle: To what?

Alex: The question Belle, How many sides does a triangle have?

Belle: Don't you know?

Alex: Yes, I know but I want you to answer, that's how the game is played.

Belle: I like games!

Alex: Belle if you don't know the answer you can use one of your cheats.

Belle: I DON'T CHEAT! I HAVE NEVER CHEATED!! HOW DARE YOU SAY I CHEAT

Alex: Belle, it's okay, don't get upset

Belle: Well how can I not get upset when I am being accused of cheating!

Alex: Belle, (sigh) do you know how many sides a triangle has?

Belle: Alex what is it with you and this triangle? It's a 3 sided thing, it's not
real okay?

Alex: YES, that's correct! You win $5000!

Belle: For what? Did I win the lottery?

Alex: Belle, stay with me here. You're on a game show...to win money.

Belle: Game show?? OOOOh where's Bob Barker? I love him!

Alex: Belle, (snaps his fingers in front of her face) wake up Belle, can you pick
another category?

Belle: Okay, I'll take 4th grade Health. I 'm in nursing school I should know
this stuff!

Alex: *under his breath-I wouldn't bet on it* Alright Belle, What does a
Psychiatrist do?

Belle: Oooo my mom is a Psychiatrist, I know this one, they mess with people's
minds and give them lots of drugs.

Alex: Well, I guess we'll take that. . . not exactly what we were looking for but
technically that's right, so okay, you're up to $10,000 Belle!

Belle: OH MY! I can't afford that! What will I do? I guess I could ask Phillip
for the money, but then I'd have to sleep with him, again....

Alex: BELLE! Hello? Stay with me here! We give you money, you don't pay us.

Belle: Why would you give me money? I'm NOT sleeping with you Alex. No!

Alex: *Groans - Why why why?* Belle can you pick another category?

Belle: Well if I have to, but you better watch it, my husband is a cop!

Alex: PICK A CATEGORY YOU IDIOT!

Belle: You don't have to shout, I'm right here. I'll take....5th grade math

Alex: *under his breath, Thank God now maybe she'll lose and we can all get
on with our lives...* Belle here's your question;
If a ball is dropped from a height of 100m, each time it hits the ground it bounces 3/5 of the height it fell. How far will the ball have travelled in the 5th bounce?

Belle: 361.12m

Alex: *jaw dropped* Oh my God, that's right. I don't get it, how? I mean,
what? Is this a joke? What's going on?

Belle: Did I need to show my work?

Alex: Ummm no, I mean wow, okay, you have $15,000 Belle, pick another
category.

Belle: Give me, 3rd Grade History. That sounds fun.

Alex: Alright, Belle; In what year did Abraham Lincoln die?

Belle: Which time?

Alex: HUH? What do you mean which time? You only die once, *laughs*

Belle: Oh Alex, you're so funny. You know no one dies the first time they die.
It usually turns out Stefano is just holding them hostage.

Alex: Okay now this is getting ridiculous. People only die one time. After that
you're dead. You don't come back!

Belle: Oh you silly! Of course you do. My dad's been dead three or four times.
and my Mom too! But sooner or later they come back.

Alex: I get it now, you're a joke. The producers put you on this show to mess
with me! I get it. You're a plant!!!

Belle: I am NOT a plant! I hate it, when people call me a plant! I'm smarter
than some dumb old plant. I don't sit in dirt and wait to get watered.

Alex: Ohhh you're just gonna play it to the end aren't you blondie? You
probably aren't even a nursing student.

Belle: I am so! I've been to 3 classes and taken a whole test, and I'm going
to graduate next week!

Alex: *laughing hysterically now* Hoo! That's rich! The next thing you'll tell me
is your dad is a secret agent, and you live in a magical land where no one
has to work, and everything is free.

Belle: Well we work sometimes, and yes my dad used to be in the ISA, but that
was before he was brainwashed the first time and he thought he was my
sister's dad Roman, but he wasn't, so he figured out he used to be a
priest, who killed people under Stefano's orders.....

Alex: *tears streaming from his eyes* Stop stop! This is too funny.

Belle: I don't see what's so funny, this is my life! I need this money to find my
daughter! She's been missing for so long.

Alex: *grabs chest, still laughing* Can't.....breathe.....must...stop...laughing.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Alex Trebek falls on the floor dead. Belle looks at him for a few minutes.
"Mr. Trebek? Are you going to be dead long? I have to go meet my mom for lunch. Mr. Trebek? Did I win? Hello?"

The Baby Angel

Up in heaven; An angel patiently waits for his appointment with God.
God's secretary sits behind her desk working on some last minute requests, when the intercom sounds.

"Yes Lord?" the angel answers

"Send in my next appointment Marilyn" God says

"Right away Mr. President, ooops I mean Heavenly Father" she giggles "You can go in now."

The angel straightens his wings and walks through the golden doors into God's inner office.

God sits on his throne busily playing on his laptop.
"Come on, come on, that's it. DAMN!! Abraham and his level 34 Orc. Oooh think you're a big man with all that agility huh?"

The angel clears his throat, "Ahem, Father? I have an urgent problem."

"Oh yes, sorry, I was trying to finish this quest before you got here, but I guess Abraham and Moses just don't want to try today!" God closes his laptop and faces the angel. "Okay what is so urgent that I have to interrupt my World Of Warcraft game?"

"Well sir, as you know, I am the angel in charge of new souls" the angel begins "specifically handing out new souls to babies before they are born. And well sir we just got an order in that I am not sure we should fill."

"Now who could possibly want a baby that you would have that much of a problem with?" God asks

"Well Father, see...um well I mean if it were anyone else....not that they haven't been good people because they have.....and well she isn't the oldest woman to ever have a baby.....and it will be loved, but I mean, I just don't know...." the angel stammers.

"SPIT IT OUT!" God shouts. A huge clap of thunder rolls through the sky and lightening bolts explode all around.

"KAYLA AND STEVE JOHNSON, LORD, They are trying to get pregnant" the angel screams and covers his head.

"What? Oh dear, oh dear, that is a problem." God sits back down.

"Yes Lord, we thought you'd want to know about it. Seeing how you've been concerned about all the children in Salem being kidnapped and left alone." the angel said.

"Yes, it was against my better judgement that we sent the twins to Sami Brady. And as it turns out I was right." God sighs "They can't even figure out they have the same father."

"Yes Lord" the angel agrees "And all that trouble with Claire Kiriakis lately. Her getting kidnapped, dropped in the ocean, lost.."

"Well we all know who's fault that is," God says "The angel in charge of handing out brains had to take a coffee break when Belle Black was shipped out."

"Yes Father, we know, we've been working overtime with the Guardian Angels on that one." the angel sighs

"And the angel in charge of anger management, where was she when Shawn Brady went out? NO don't answer that, I know. Making out in the copy room with the angel of common sense that's where!" God says "That kid was a walking disaster before he took his first step."

The baby angel looks embarrassed and just nods.

"And Ciera Brady, do you know that baby wouldn't recognize her parents if they passed on the street?" God says "That was a big mistake."

"Very true Lord." The angel agrees "That's why I thought it would be best if I checked with you before sending yet another baby to that family."

"Let me see their file" God says

The angel hands God a thick file labeled Steve and Kayla Johnson. God starts flipping through it, pausing to sigh every few pages. He flips through a few more and starts chuckling, then sighs a few more times and closes it.

"Well those two have been through a lot haven't they?" God says

"Yes Lord, and they have been good parents, for all intents and purposes." the angel answers "You really can't blame them for Stephanie, I mean they weren't even together for most of her life."

"Yes, but I am still concerned." God says "It seems like they would be good parents, but I'm worried the town will get to them."

"Yes Lord, I understand." the angel agrees

"And then there's all those deals with Satan. I mean there has to be a limit to the number of times someone can do that." God says

"Yes Lord, one would think, but somehow he keeps getting them to deal with him." the angel says

"Okay, I have to make a decision here," God says

He sighs and thinks for a few minutes. He tosses a coin. Then tosses it again.
He gets online and logs on to Craigs List, goes to Parenting Forum and asks them. Finally he turns to the baby angel.

"Okay," God says "Send them a baby. But you better make sure that kid has brains and common sense, or I will personally bust you down to Lucas Roberts's conscience. And you know what that means."

"Yes Lord, I will just sit around and do absolutely nothing for eternity." the angel answers.

"Okay then. Now I need to get back to my game so, you know the way out."

The angel, emerges from God's office and sighs a huge sigh of relief. He gets on his cell phone and calls the baby soul division.
"Yes, he approved it. I know I was shocked too! Now make sure Brains and Common Sense are ready to go before you ship it. . . . . . What do you mean they called in sick??? BOTH of them? AND Honesty and Morality?? OH COME ON, we aren't sending out a Dimera kid here. Get them on the phone and tell them they better show up or it's their jobs!"

The baby angel hangs up and flies off as fast as his wings will carry him.
"Lucas Roberts's conscience...." he says and shudders.

Cops - Salem

Bad boys, bad boys whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you.......

Night shift - 8:30 PM

"Well I decided to join the force, well when I couldn't figure out anything else to do with my life." Shawn Brady says to the camera as they drive along the streets of Salem.

"I designed engines, I worked as a mechanic. . .so I figured police work was the next logical choice" he rambles

Car 29 we have a disturbance at the Cheatin' Heart fight in progress, please respond.

Shawn looks around the car, "Did you hear that voice? I keep hearing voices every time I'm in this car. They want me to go places and tell me about all these horrible things!"

"Um..that's the car radio, someone needs the police, you know a crime?" the camera man says

"But what do they expect me to do?" Shawn asks "If two guys want to fight what do I care?"

"It's your JOB?" the camera man is totally confused "Look guy, we aren't even supposed to talk to you, we're just here to observe."

"So I'm just supposed to go over to the Cheatin' Heart and try to stop a fight?" Shawn asks "Okay.....if you say so"

Shawn turns the corner and heads towards the bar.

"Do you believe this guy?" one camera guy says to the other "I've seen some stupid cops before, but this guy brings new meaning to the word."

Shawn pulls up in front of the Cheatin Heart in time to see two guys crash out through the door, throwing punches.

The camera men jump out of the car and start filming. After a few seconds they start looking around, realizing Shawn isn't in the shot. The camera pans around to see him. Sitting in the car, with the doors locked, screaming like a little girl.

The guys fighting hear Shawn's screams and stop. They stare at the squad car, then start to walk over to it.
Shawn freaks and scrambles out the passenger side. He stands next to the car and begins frantically pulling at his gun.

The two thugs are completely engrossed now. Shawn's frantic attempts bear an uncanny resemblance to Barney Fife. Even the camera men have given up their assigned shots and started filming Shawn.

He finally manages to free his gun from his holster and starts waving it in the general direction of the thugs.

"SHOP OR I'LL STOOT, um I mean STOP OR I'LL SHOOT!" Shawn stammers

The camera man dissolve into fits of uncontrollable laughter. The thugs are now hugging each other trying to control themselves as they too laugh hysterically.

"I mean it" Shawn tries to sound stern "Oh come on you guys, I'm serious."

"Oh, okay officer, you got us" One thug says "We'll come quietly"

"Should we just go ahead and cuff ourselves?" The other asks

Shawn figures out they're being sarcastic and puts his gun back in the holster, not without a couple missed attempts of course.

"Forget it," he says "I'm just going to get back in the car and leave. Are you two coming?" Shawn asks the camera men

"Yeah, we need footage for our bloopers show anyway" a camera guy says

Once they are back in the car, Shawn drives in silence with his jaw working overtime. His cell phone rings.

"Belle?" He answers "Belle what's wrong? Claire is being held in the warehouse by the dock? Stefano is there with her? I'm on my way!"

The camera guys look confused. "Did you say Stefano? As in Dimera?"

"Yeah, he has my daughter and I'm going after him!" Shawn cranks the wheel and does a 180 in the middle of the street. He punches the gas and the squad car screams down the street.

The camera men, start to get excited. "Maybe this guy isn't the wuss we thought he was" one says
"Yeah, I mean anyone who takes on Stefano Dimera" says the other.

"That's the warehouse!" Shawn says as they whip sideways around the corner "I'm going in!"

He stomps on the accelerator and aims the car right at the side of the building.

"Hey dude, STOP! YOU'RE GONNA CRASH RIGHT INTO........."

The cameraman is too late. Shawn goes smashing through the side of the building and into the middle of .....

His entire family standing around under a banner reading:
Congratulations on Your Graduation From Police Academy

As the last stray brick falls on top of the car, and the dust settles, Shawn crawls out through the broken windshield, followed by the camera men.

"Claire! Where's Claire???" Shawn moans.

Belle rushes up holding Claire "SHAWN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

"You said Stefano had Claire, I came to rescue her." Shawn answers

"No Shawn" Belle says "I SAID I got Claire a new DRESS TO SHOW you, and we'll meet you at the corner BY the warehouse."
Belle is totally humiliated "Shawn, we talked about this, Claire is fine, Stefano went away 3 months ago." she says through gritted teeth

"But, but" Shawn's jaw drops as he looks around

The whole Brady family along with most of the Salem Police are standing there staring. Bo looks like he's going to have a stroke. Roman is shaking his head in disbelief. Hope's eyes are bugging out of her head as she hyperventilates.
Max is holding out his hand as Phillip counts money into his hand, both are laughing.

"This was supposed to be a surprise!" Belle says "We were all so proud of you and now, well now I guess we'll just forget about it."

"But Belle, Belle! I'm sorry" Shawn tries to apologize as Belle storms off.

"You did get all that didn't you?" the first camera guys says.

"I didn't miss a second" the other answers "I think this will be the first time a bloopers show ever wins and Emmy!"

A Visit To The Kate Zone

“Nope, full house Grandpa! I win again.” Ciera Brady rakes in a pile of chips

“Shawn, have you been teaching my grand-daughter to cheat at cards?” Victor asks

“Now Victor” OMB laughs “You of all people should know, no one has to teach any of your kids or grandkids how to lie, much less cheat.”

The whole table laughs at this. Doug picks up the deck and starts to shuffle.

The door opens and Dr. Rolf walks in.

“Deal me in boys!” He says, taking a seat at the table. “Now that we are finally done with that stupid Zombie John storyline, maybe I’ll have enough time off to win some of my money back from you card sharks.”

“Well at least you get a storyline every so often” Doug says as he deals the cards “They only trot Julie and I out when there’s a holiday or wedding or some other stupid event”

“Oh boo hoo!” Ciera says, “No one even mentions me half the time. I guess I am just supposed to raise myself.”

“Speaking of John” OMB says as he studies his hand “I guess it won’t be too much longer before they call me back. At least I hope they do.”

“Oh don’t tell me you haven’t been enjoying your time sitting here cheating us at poker!" Julie wags her finger at OMB “You’re just lucky they’ve been giving Caroline some lines lately, or you’d be in big trouble mister.”

“Now see here.” OMB says in his best fake I’m-so-offended voice “I have never cheated at cards once in my life. Helped my sister fake her death, covered up a few murders and affairs for my kids maybe, but I have NEVER cheated at cards."

Everyone has a good laugh and the game continues.

As Victor deals the next hand, Theo and Lexi arrive with pizza.

“Now everyone chip in this time!” Lexi scolds, “I’m not going to make up the difference again.”

“Not to worry everyone” Victor stands up “I’ll treat this time.”

“Way to go Vic!” Dr. Rolf says, “I for one am grateful. Not all of us know where our next paycheck is coming from”

“True,” Lexi agrees “If Abe hadn’t gotten that 5 min scene this week, Theo would have had to transfer to public school!”

The room gasps in horror.

Theo wanders over and peeks at Ciera’s cards. She slaps him away and throws a pizza crust after him.

“Hey now, don’t be getting all snippy there missy.” Theo laughs, “Remember in a few months you are going to need a date for your prom.”

“That’s okay,” Ciera, says “Pocket should be back from medical school by then, and I’m sure he’ll take me.”

Theo steals a slice of pizza and heads over to the TV to play some Guitar Hero.

Lexi takes a seat at the poker table “Deal me in guys. I just got a call they are going to put me in a new storyline next month. About time huh?”

“Lucky you!” Julie says “Doug and I hope they’ll at least give us a call for St. Patrick’s Day. I mean come on Shawn, aren’t the Brady’s going to throw some big family fest, being Irish and all.”

“You got me” OMB sighs “I just hope Victor over there is bluffing so maybe I can win a hand for once.”

“Me? Bluff?” Victor smiles “Did John have botox?”

Everyone at the table has a good laugh on that one.

Without A Trace – Claire Kiriakis

1 Hour Missing

Jack Malone and Martin Fitzgerald of the FBI stand in a deserted alleyway in Salem.

The area is swarming with Salem police officers. Jack stares as they poke at garbage cans, take pictures of each other, text message their friends, take up a collection for donuts.

“Are you sure we’re in the right place?” Jack asks

Martin checks his notebook “Yeah, this is where the victim was last seen. Claire Kiriakis age 4. She was last seen being carried by a man known only as Rob. He got into an old rusty van driven by a woman named Crystal.”

“Okay,” Jack says, “Do we have any witnesses?”

“Well evidently ½ the Salem PD watched the kidnappers escape with the child” Martin answers

“Excuse me?” Jack says, “How could that many officers just stand and watch this happen.”

“Salem cops, well let’s just say they aren’t exactly Scotland Yard.” Martin says

“From what I hear, they aren’t even Bear’s Big Back Yard.” Jack replies

“Hey, FBI Guys” Bo Brady comes strutting up “Have you gotten any clues about where my granddaughter is?”

“Not yet, Detective Brady” Martin says “I see here that your son, Shawn Brady was also a witness.”

“Um yeah” Bo says, “But Shawn’s not going to be much help. Sometimes he don’t think so good, you know.”

Jack looks at Martin and rolls his eyes.

“Well, Detective Brady, we’re going to collect some evidence and try to get some lead

on who took your granddaughter.” Jack says

“Oh we know who took her” Bo says excitedly “It was Crystal and Rob!”

“Umm yeah we know that,” Jack explains “But what we don’t know is who they are really.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure, they are Crystal and Rob.” Bo answers.

“We’ll be in touch Detective.” Jack closes his notebook and walks away.

1 Week Missing

Later at the FBI headquarters, we see the big timeline board they use to figure out these cases. Normally it has a picture of the victim followed by a single line connecting sightings and suspects. The board for Claire Kiriakis however, resembles a road map of downtown New York City. Lines intersect with lines, that lead to other lines, with notations and pictures that lead nowhere, then double back onto other lines.

Jack and Martin stare at the board in disbelief. Samantha and Vivian come up behind them and also stare at the board.

“Jack, just give up.” Samantha says, “These people are out of their minds.”

“Jack, I’m sorry but I have to agree,” Vivian adds, “It’s almost like this kid doesn’t want to be found.”

Danny, who’s laying on top of a table with an ice pack on his head chimes in “It’s Stefano but it’s not Stefano, who may or may not have brainwashed John, who was dead but came back, after Marlena got psychic messages from him when he was in a coma. Then Belle was married to Phillip who was Claire’s father but then he wasn’t because Belle had sex with Shawn but didn’t realize she had, until blood tests were done that proved Shawn was Claire’s father. Then Phillip had custody but Shawn and Belle kidnapped her and ran half way across the world, but came back because there was a hurricane and Phillip was okay with not being Claire’s father now.”

“Stop stop” Jack holds his head in his hands “If I interview one more person who used to be dead, and came back, I will lose my mind.”

“I’ll trade you for the forensics part of this mess.” Samantha says, “The lab in that town might as well be run by Dr. Melvin Honeydew and Beaker, you know the Muppets? And the evidence lock up might as well have a welcome mat outside the door. Anyone who feels like it can just wander in there and take whatever they want.”

“Well someone else can just tackle the files,” Vivian adds, “Because it looks like all you have to do to get away with murder in Salem is be a Brady or be married to a Brady. There are so many mistrials and dropped cases in the PD files, we better hope OJ and Michael Jackson never find out this place exists. They’d move next week.”

Jack rubs his hands over his face and sighs. “I just don’t know….” Suddenly his cell phone rings.

“Jack Malone” he answers.

“Mr. Malone, this is Claire Kiriakis. I’d appreciate it if you would just stop looking for me.” A voice on the phone says

“Claire!?” Jack says, “Where are you?”

“Somewhere far away and trust me, it’s my choice to be here.” Claire says

“So this was your idea” Jack says

“Yes Mr. Malone” Claire answers, “You’ve met my family, can you blame me?”

“Well no, I guess not” Jack agrees

“Okay then, thank you.” Claire says, then the phone goes dead.

The rest of the team starts gathering up papers and cleaning off the board. Everyone looks relieved this nightmare is finally over. Then the phone rings on Martin’s desk.

He answers it, talks for a few minutes, and then hangs up.

“Martin, what’s wrong?” Vivian asks, “You’re as white as a sheet.”

“That was Roman Brady, they have another missing child in Salem.” Martin says “Ciera Brady. Her parents say they put her down for a nap 2 weeks ago and now she’s gone.”

The members of the FBI missing persons unit look around at each other for a few seconds. Silence fills the air. Everyone looks to Jack for a sign of what they should do.

“So wrong number, huh Martin?” Jack says

“Yeah boss,” Martin replies “Wrong number.”

All In The Family

Okay boys and girls it’s time to update your “Who’s Related to Who and How” scorecards for Days Of Our Lives.

Those who wish to may accompany this by playing the Deliverance soundtrack may do so now. All relationships listed are by birth or adoption (If I included all relationships via marriage we’d never get anywhere). If some of the relationships are a little out of order it’s because I sat with the Brady and Dimera family trees in front of me and had to keep going back and forth drawing new lines and figuring out how everyone was related.

Okay, everyone ready? Here we go:

Stefano and John are half brothers.

John, Roman, Kimberly, Kayla, Max and Frankie are first cousins

Belle, Sami and Eric are half siblings and second cousins.

Stefano is Belle and Brady’s Uncle and Claire’s Great-Uncle

Roman, Kayla, Kimberly and Belle are second cousins

OMB is Belle’s Great-Uncle

Belle and EJ are first cousins

Belle and Johnny are second cousins

John is EJ’s Uncle and Johnny’s Great-Uncle

John is Lexie’s Uncle (of course my marriage making him Abe’s Uncle LOL!)

Lexie, Belle and Brady are first cousins

Theo and Claire are second cousins.

Belle is Johnny’s Aunt and second cousin.

Brady is Johnny’s Uncle and second cousin.

Belle and Sami are half sisters and second cousins

John is Tony’s Uncle

Tony and Belle are first cousins

Tony and Claire second cousins.

Since Stefano adopted Kristen, if John had married her he would have been marrying his niece.

John is Andre’s Uncle

Belle, Brady and Andre are second cousins

Belle, Brady, Kristen, and Peter are first cousins

I know everyone has been trying to connect Belle and Shawn, but they aren’t related by birth, just by the weird relationship that Bo has with OMB.

If Bo was OMB’s natural son, that of course would make Belle and Shawn second cousins. Not illegal, but still strange.

Kind of like how Max keeps dating his nieces Chelsea and Stephanie. Which is actually illegal in all 50 states since OMB is listed as Max, Bo and Kayla’s birth certificates, as their father, making Max legally Chelsea and Stephanie’s Uncle.

Now that everyone is totally confused……

To Grandmother's House We Go

Crystal opens the door and walks into a richly furnished home.

“Grandma!” She calls “We’re here”

“Finally” Colleen comes down the stairs “I didn’t think you’d ever make it.”

“Well if my idiot cousin had her way we wouldn’t be” Crystal says

Colleen sighs “What did Belle do now? I swear Marlena produces the dumbest blondes on the planet! I don’t know what my sons see in her.”

“Forget it Grandma” Claire walks in behind Crystal “I’m glad to be away from that insane crowd.”

“Ah Claire!” Colleen gushes “My hope for the future. At least you have some common sense.”

“Well it wouldn’t take much to be smarter than the Scooby Doo gang” Claire hugs her Grandmother “I’m getting a snack”

Colleen turns to Crystal “So you had some trouble?”

“Oh please! Trouble would have been easy” Crystal says “I got out smarted by a blonde bimbo who makes that Miss Teen America chick look like a Mensa member.”

“Well maybe when Dr. Rolf gets here, maybe he will have some idea how we can raise her IQ to something resembling normal” Colleen says

“Yeah well good luck with that!” Crystal grumbles “I hope Dr. Rolf has perfected the brain transplant, because this girl is working with a deficit situation in that department.”

Colleen looks concerned. “Really? Is it that bad?”

“Uh YEAH” Crystal says “This little twit fell in the river and almost drowned. Then when they pulled her out, she forgets she’s supposed to breathe!”

Colleen’s eyes widen

“She’s got two fairly hot guys fighting over her, and she loves it.” Crystal continues “And get this, one is her husband and one is her EX husband.”

“But if she’s still hot for him, why did she divorce him?” Colleen asks

“I don’t know,” Crystal replies “Maybe she just wanted another excuse to whine, like she needs one. Jeez, that girl brings new meaning to the word CRYBABY”

Colleen sighs and walks over to look at the Celtic warrior woman symbols carved around her fireplace. She runs her hand over it, lovingly.

“The women in my family were always so strong.” She says “Always independent, ready to fight for what they believe in and stand up for themselves. Even if it meant lying, manipulating, conniving, even stabbing their own in the back . . .”

“You talking about Aunt Sami?” Claire comes back from the kitchen with a big corned beef sandwich “Now SHE’S cool. She never lets anyone or anything get in her way.”

“Ah yes Samantha” Colleen smiles “her, Kayla and Kimberly. It would seem my brother Shawn did our family proud with these women as his legacy. I just don’t know what went wrong with Belle.”

“It’s cool Grandma,” Claire reassures her “I am nothing like that whiney wimp of a mother I’m stuck with. And my Grandma Marlena? Yeah she’s about worthless. All you ever hear out of her is ‘oooh John I looooove youuuuu, soooo much, oooh I missed you soooooo much’ YUCK”

“Yes, she is quite a piece of work” Colleen agrees “But at least she has been useful in one respect. She managed to distract Stefano at key moments in the past. Pity it was never enough for me to destroy him permanently. But all that will change, very soon.”

Dr. Rolf At Home

In a carefully decorated country kitchen, a woman bearing a haunting resemblance to June Cleaver stands stirring a large pot on the stove.

A door opens and we hear “Honey! I’m home”

“Rolf! Ah for once you are on time.” Mrs. Rolf greets her husband

“Yes, and I am so tired.” Rolf sighs “Every day: Rolf are you done yet? Rolf are you done yet? I tell you Stefano never lets up.”

“I don’t know why you are so loyal to that horrible man” Mrs. Rolf comes back into the room with a pair of slippers and a martini

“Neither do I” Rolf sighs “But it is a job.”

“A job you should just quit!” Mrs. Rolf fusses “Didn’t you say you had an interview at University Hospital last week?”

“Yes yes, but Dr. Evans blackballed me” Rolf says “Okay so I helped hold her and most of her family hostage from time to time, but does that mean I am to be persecuted my whole life for it?”

“Well, dinner won’t be ready for a little while,” Mrs. Rolf says “Are you going to do some work in your lab tonight?”

“Yes, thank you for reminding me,” Rolf answers, “I do have some matters that need attending to.”

Dr. Rolf presses a button on the fireplace mantle and a secret door slides open. He walks down a long set of stone stairs to a large room lined with tall glass cylinders filled with liquid.

A flip of a couple switches and the cylinders light up to reveal, the missing 5 Marlena clones!

Dr. Rolf goes to a large book and turns a few pages. He begins to make notes reading them aloud as he does so.

“Soon the clones will be ready for release. Stefano has no idea I have collected the clones from the four corners of the globe and stored them here for exactly the right moment. Soon my master plan will go in to effect and Stefano’s kingdom will come crashing down around him.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it Dr. Rolf!”

Rolf turns and is shocked to see Austin Reed, dressed like Austin Powers, standing at the foot of the stairs.

“So you thought you could get away with it didn’t you? But I’m on to you and your fiendish plan!” Austin says in a really bad British accent.

“What the Hell are you doing here? And why on Earth are you dressed like that?” Dr. Rolf asks

“You thought I was just some Brady husband, didn’t you?” Austin says “But little did you know I am a spy in Her Majesty’s Secret Service!”

“But you aren’t even British!” Rolf says “And you don’t have the slightest idea what my plan for these clones is. I am not trying to hurt anyone, I am trying to bring down Stefano!”

“So YOU say, Dr. Rolf” Austin is grinning like an idiot “But I am a master spy and I know all about your plan to take over the world.”

“Are you even listening to me? You look like a refugee from the Partridge Family in that outfit, and you sound like you just escaped from a bad dinner theater production of Oliver Twist” Rolf exclaims “Now get out of here and let me finish my work.”

“Not this time Dr. Rolf!” Austin pulls out a gun and waves it around

Suddenly Austin freezes mid wave and gets a strange look on his face. He drops to the floor.

“I thought he’d never shut up.” Claire says “Good thing Allie called me and told me him and my dad got smashed on tequila and watched all three Austin Powers movies today.”

Claire tosses the lead pipe she whacked Austin with to the side and walks over to the cylinders.

“Cool, Grandma-palooza!” She says checking out all the Marlena clones “I bet I could really cash in at Christmas time with all these!”

“Yes yes, lots of Grandmas,” Dr Rolf is fussing as he ties up Austin. “Did you bring the airline tickets for Ireland? Colleen will be waiting for my call to let her know when we will be arriving.”

“Got em right here.” Claire says, “Crystal and Rob have the van gassed up and ready to go.”

“Good!” Rolf says “Finally someone in the Brady family with brains.”

“Rolf! Dinner is ready!” Mrs. Rolf calls from upstairs “Will Miss Claire be staying? I made my strudel!”

“YUM” Claire says, “Always time for strudel, come on Dr. Rolf let’s go.”

I Know What You Did And I Really Don't Care

Celeste stands in front of a bubbling cauldron in the middle of the Salem dump.
As she stirs the boiling pot, a rat scurries up to the edge of the fire. Suddenly it squeals and drops dead.

"Serves you right." Celeste says as she kicks the rat to the edge of a large pile of old beer cans. "STEFANO! get over here!"

"Relax relax," Stefano picks his way through the litter and garbage " aren't you ready yet?"

"Yes, Stefano" Celeste answers "The potion is ready, and the stars are aligned. The spirits are ready to do my bidding. Now if you'd just give me some kind of hint as to what we are doing, I could get on with this."

"Excellent. Soon I will have my second soldier and I will be unstoppable." Stefano does his patented evil laugh.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna rule the world, blah blah blah. Destroy the Bradys yadda yadda yadda. Evil genius, oooooh. What are you Wile E. Coyote now?" Celeste mutters to herself

"Did you have something to say Celeste?" Stefano stares at her

"No." Celeste says "YES. What are we doing in the middle of the dump? Don't we usually do these things in the cemetery?"

"Cast your spell and you shall see" Stefano says

Celeste tosses a handful of powder into the cauldron. It explodes into a plume of blue smoke. She then tosses another handful of powder and red smoke belches forth.

"Spirits cross and come near,
We call you come and settle here.
From death you walk, you live again
To crush and kill the Brady clan!"

A mound of garbage starts to move, then heave. Suddenly a water heater, emerges and rolls towards the shocked pair. It stops short of the fire.
A few tense seconds go by, then a loud banging comes from inside.

"HEY! HEY! A little help here!" A voice come from inside

"Well don't just stand there," Stefano says "Get him out of that thing"

Celeste stares at the water heater for a minute, the turns to Stefano "Oh sure, I'll get him out of there. Excuse me while I go get my blowtorch and welding helmet out of the car. Are you nuts? How am I supposed to get him out of there?"

"Of all the incompetent, idiots I have to work with," Stefano grumbles "Why, why just once can't someone be prepared for these missions? ROLF!"

"I am here Stefano, I will take care of it" The ever faithful Dr. Rolf scurries to the water heater with a large can opener. After a few moments the top pops off and ZOMBIE FORD emerges.

"Excellent, Rolf! Now go back to the mansion and prepare everything for our new guest." Stefano orders

"Yes Stefano, I will be ready" Rolf hurries away as Ford looks around confused

"Why am I here? What happened? And WHAT'S THAT SMELL?" Ford asks

"Patience, my friend. Everything will be revealed soon enough." Stefano walks to Ford and smiles "Soon the Brady family will be no more."

"Brady? You mean that little BITCH Chelsea Brady? I have a score to settle with her!" Zombie Ford snarls

"Yes, Chelsea Brady." Stefano says "She will be your first target. Once we have taken care of her, it will only be a matter of time before my plan is complete."

Zombie John comes up from behind Stefano, and stands next to him.

"Ah, John, take our new friend here and debrief him." Stefano says

"Uh Dude, yeah, I don't swing that way." Zombie Ford looks a little unsure

"It means I am supposed to explain things to you." Zombie John says "Get over yourself. I mean you're cute, but you're no Max Brady."

Celeste is packing up her magical equipment as fast as she can. She feels her cell phone go off, and checks to see who's calling. Crystal. Celeste, makes sure Stefano isn't watching and steps behind a pile of old used caskets to take the call.

"Crystal, I have been waiting to hear from you." Celeste says "Do you have Brady, Belle and Claire Black with you?"

"Not yet mother," Crystal answers "I have Brady and Claire, but Belle is proving to be a bit harder. The girl is so dumb she is impossible to kidnap."

"That does not concern me!" Celeste snaps "Get Belle Black and do not fail. This entire plan depends on the children of John Black being in a safe place."

"I won't fail you mother." Crystal promises

Celeste hangs up the phone and turns around only to come face to face with Zombie John.

"Are they safe?" he asks

"Soon, John." Celeste says "Soon our path will be clear to finally rid the world of Stefano Dimera, forever."

American DOOL

*Sung to the tune of Don McLean's American Pie

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How the Bradys used to make me smile.
And I knew if I watched each day
The Hortons would all be okay
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But writers changed and Days got dumber
Every day my mind got numb-er.
Then things just got crazy;
The writers all got lazy.

I still remember when I cried
The day I was sure Steve had died.
Bo was cool, Hope never lied
On Days of Our Lives.

So why, why do this to Days of Our Lives
Can’t you just let us enjoy it
Not make everyone whine
In the good ol’ “Days” we used to have a good time
Hopin’ things would turn out to be fine
Things would turn out to be fine.

So who wrote this stupid crap
And laid it all right here in our lap
Did the network tell you to?
Did you believe we’d just sit by
And let Sami’s youth just pass us by?,
And can you please just tell me why?

Well, we know that EJ’s only 10.
`cause we saw him born, but yet again.
You thought we’d buy he’s thirty.
But it just made us feel dirty.

We watched while Lexi made a devil’s deal
Austin’s style still had appeal,
And I believed Kate’s charm was real
On Days of our Lives.

But we kept watching;
Why, why do this to Days of Our Lives
Can't you just let us enjoy it
Not make everyone whine
In the good ol’ “Days” we used to have a good time
Hopin’ things would turn out to be fine
Things would turn out to be fine.

Now for ten years we thought Andre was gone
And Tony was right where he belonged,
But no you just could not let it be.
Belle was with Phil and Shawn with Meems,
And Claire was happy or so it seemed
And Chloe seemed like just a dream,

Oh, but then Steve came back from the grave,
And suddenly Max was all brave.
Chelsea just went wild;
And Roman turned all mild
And while Stefano hatched another plan,
Phil turned into Lieutenant Dan,
Billie made Nick into a man
On Days of Our Lives.

We still were watching;
Why, why do this to Days of Our Lives
Can’t you just let us enjoy it
Not make everyone whine
In the good ol’ “Days” we used to have a good time
Hopin’ things would turn out to be fine
Things would turn out to be fine.

Chaos reigned when the black glove came.
And things would never be the same,
But then it all just changed too fast.
Steph and Max raced right on past.
Then ended up on one big crash,
Shawn, Steph and Phil all got re-cast.

Now another Sami wedding loomed
With Austin as her loving groom.
We thought she’d be happy at last,
Oh, but wait not so fast!
Sami’s blackmail was revealed;
Austin freaked as Lexi squealed.
We found out EJ wasn’t real
On Days of Our Lives.

Why are we watching?;
Why, why do this to Days of Our Lives
Can’t you just let us enjoy it
Not make everyone whine
In the good ol’ “Days” we used to have a good time
Hopin’ things would turn out to be fine
Things would turn out to be fine.

Oh, and then the black glove struck again,
We never knew just where or when
We all knew he’d be back and then.
The embryos were switched so quick!
Then back again, till we were sick
We lost count somewhere after 10.

As we watched Sami with EJ
We barely could contain our rage.
He put her through such hell
And yet she was under his spell.
And as the flames of the cabin burned so bright
We finally thought she’d made it right,
We should have known that we weren’t right
On Days Of Our Lives

We can’t stop watching;
Why, why do this to Days of Our Lives
Can’t you just let us enjoy it
Not make everyone whine
In the good ol’ “Days” we used to have a good time
Hopin’ things would turn out to be fine
Things would turn out to be fine.

Shawn met a girl we learned to like
We felt bad for Willow’s plight,
Then just as quick she went away.
Chelsea turned into a whore
And Max just dumped her like before
But Nick showed up to save the day.

Please don’t leave me, Mimi screamed,
While in a coma John still dreamed.
Marlena said she’d spoken;
To him while he lay broken.
And even though his brain was toast:
He still came to her as a ghost,
Then Shawn and Bell ran for the coast
On Days Of Our Lives.

All while we were watching,
Why, why do this to Days of Our Lives
Can’t you just let us enjoy it
Not make everyone whine
In the good ol’ “Days” we used to have a good time
Hopin’ things would turn out to be fine
Things would turn out to be fine.

Yes we’ll keep watching
Why, why do this to Days of Our Lives
Can’t you just let us enjoy it
Not make everyone whine
In the good ol’ “Days” we used to have a good time
Hopin’ things would turn out to be fine
Things would turn out to be fine.

The Kids Are Alright

Belle sits in the Brady Pub with a pathetic look on her face. Marlena is "comforting" her.
"It's okay honey, we'll find her I promise" Marlena says

"Mom I just can't help thinking this is all my fault!" Belle whines

"Well of course it is sweetheart." Marlena says "You ARE the one who messed up her life because you couldn't keep it in your pants."

"MOM!" Belle is shocked "How can you say that to me!"

"Well honey it's the truth." Marlena flips her hair and smiles "And we both know it runs in the family. Your sisters Sami and Carrie, Me, none of us are happy unless we have at least 2 men fighting over us at any given time."

"But I was married to Shawn, and I screwed it all up by telling him the truth." Belle keeps whining

"Yes I know" Marlena agrees "I tried so hard to teach you to lie better. I just don't understand what I did wrong. Sami got it, she lies like George Bush during a press conference. And Carrie, I mean come on, she stole her sister's husband, then slept with her fiance, and still managed to come out looking the the innocent one. Now THAT girl knows how to lie!"

The door to the pub opens and Mimi comes in. She stares at Belle across the room. Belle's mouth drops and she dons her patented "deer in the headlights" expression.

"YOU IDIOT!" Mimi screams "I handed you Shawn on a silver platter and what do you do? You sleep with PHILLIP??? I didn't switch those embryos so you could turn around and screw this all up!"

Marlena stands up "YOU switched them? I switched them!"

"What are you two talking about?" Belle is freaking "I switched the vials that held the sperm!"

"WHAT?" Hope steps out from the kitchen "Oh my God! What did you three do?"

The four women stand in the middle of the pub and stare at each other.

"None of that matters, now!" John walks into the pub holding a gun

"John!" Hope says, shocked "What are you doing?"

"Oh please, spare me the theatrics Hope" John says "It's time everyone knew the truth."

The entire room turns to look at Hope, who starts hyperventilating

"You hated Belle from the beginning." John says "You always thought your precious Shawn was too good for her. So when they did the in-vitro you saw Belle switch the sperm vials, so you waited then switched the lids. Then you got Mimi to switch the lids by telling her what Belle had done. But what you didn't tell her was that the eggs had already been fertilized, so it was already too late."

"But what you didn't know was that I'd already told Marlena about the sperm switch, knowing she would switch them again so her baby Belle could get Shawn back by having not one but two of his children. But what she didn't know was that in reality Belle would be carrying Mimi and Phillip's baby." John continues

"But everything fell apart didn't it?" Mimi says "Because Belle miscarried and my mother made sure my surrogate had the baby."

"MY BABY!" Belle shrieks "You stole my baby you bitch!"

"YOU STOLE MY HUSBAND! YOU WHORE!" Mimi screams back

Chairs and tables fly as the girls go at it. Screaming, hair pulling, scratching.

Finally John fires a shot into the ceiling to stop them. They look up at him shocked.

"Okay ladies, enough." John says "None of that matters now because my brother Stefano sent me to let you know, he has the baby and he will grow up to be the heir to the Dimera throne."

"Brother?" Marlena turns white "Stefano is your brother?"

"Of course he is." John explains "My mother is Colleen Brady, my father is Santo. Why do you think Stefano has been trying to keep us apart all these years. He wanted you for himself, sibling rivalry you know."

"So I'm a Dimera?" Belle finally figures it out "Oh my God! I'm RICH! I get to go shopping in Paris, and live in Italy!"

"Belle!" Marlena freaks "You can't do this! Stefano is our mortal enemy! He has destroyed our family."

"Pfft, not MY family." Belle says "Dad, can I have my own villa? And can Claire have a pony?"

"Yes, Princess" John laughs "All that and more! I have the jet waiting for us if you're ready."

"BELLE NO!" Marlena melts down "You're my daughter, you can't leave me!"

"Mom, get over it. I'm sick of being good, I'm sick of being poor, and I am sick of you treating me like a baby. Meems, you ready to cut out of here and go rock Rodeo Drive with my dad's credit card?"

"Hell yeah!" Mimi smiles "So what are we talking here, Visa Platinum or Master Card?"

"Girls, have you ever heard of the secret American Express card that has no limit and you have to be invited to apply for?"

"I think so." Belle says "have you heard of it Mimi?"

"OH MY GOD, Belle." Mimi grabs Belle's shoulders "Think about it, they call it the BLACK card!!!!"

"Dad? Really???" Belle's eyes light up like a Christmas tree

John laughs and escorts the girls out the door, then turns to give a final smirk to Marlena. "See ya Doc."

Shirley Partridge aka Colleen Brady: The Saga Conintues

After explaining at length, the complicated story of how she met and fell in love with Santo Dimera, left the convent to run away with him, found out he was still married, and faked her own death, Shirley paused to see if the kids had any questions.

*~~*~~* crickets *~~*~~*

"No one has ANY questions?" She asked, a little shocked.

"It still sounds like a plot from Days of Our Lives" Chris said yawning

"Oil roit then, ye coin jes rot in Hades then!" Shirley gets so P.O.'d she slips into Colleen's bad Irish accent. "Oi abandoned me Da, the Chorch, broke me promise to the Laird, and left me leetle brother alone, awl these yers, fer nuttin Oi guess."

Now the kids were awake. The sat with their jaws dropped staring at the woman they thought was their mother.

"Whoa mom!" Danny exclaimed "That was freaky! I've never heard you talk like that!"

"Well Danny" Shirley said, calming herself enough to re-gain her California accent "You kids just don't understand what I've gone through all these year, carrying around this secret!"

"We're sorry mom" Laurie says "So now what's changed that made you decide to tell us?"

Shirley then launches into the story of Stefano Dimera, and his evil V-word. How he has tormented and exacted revenge on the Brady family for all these years.
She tells them she spent years hiding from Santo and then later Stefano. She explains that when she married their dad, she insisted they move to California and cut themselves off from anyone who ever knew them.
But over the years she still sent Stefano letters, reminding him she would never forgive him for ruining her one chance at happiness.

Shirley looks around the room at her kids. Chris and Tracy were both asleep on the couch. Danny had turned the TV on and was watching the Bloomberg Report. Keith was listening to his I-Pod and playing a game on his PSP, while Laurie sat texting on her cell phone.

Shirley sighed. "Well I see none of you are interested so I'll just go ahead upstairs and start packing."

This got the kids attention.

"Packing?" Keith asked "Where are you going?"

"I have to return to Salem" Shirley said "I have to go back and face Stefano to put things right."

"But won't he kill you?" Laurie gasped

"He might" Shirley answered "But luckily in Salem no one ever stays dead"

The kids looked confused

"Never mind" Shirley said "Now I will be gone for a few weeks or months, or however long it takes to beat this storyline into the ground, so you kids will have to fend for yourselves. Are you sure you can handle it?"

"Mom?" Danny began "I hate to break this to you but, Keith will be 60 next year, Laurie's on her third husband and has 2 grand kids, Chris is a race car driver, Tracy owns a bookstore, and I have had my own reality TV show and am getting ready for my 6th or 7th stint in re-hab. None of us have lived at home for years, you just didn't notice."

Shirley looks at the kids and struggles to re-gain what little composure she can.

"Well then, I guess you will be okay." Shirley sighs "Did I mention I'll be taking on an evil villain? A master of deception and manipulation. A man who can make people disappear for years without a trace, then bring them back right when it suits his evil plans......yeah okay, I'm going to pack."

Shirley goes upstairs.
Once she's gone Keith turns to Danny. "I thought you told me she was on her meds!"

"She was!" Danny says "But when she got the call from NBC she just kind of lost it. She actually thinks she IS the long lost Colleen Brady."

"And her psychiatrist said we should just play along." Laurie adds "It could be too much of a shock to her system and she might end up doing nude scenes in bad movies again. You remember don't you? Someone left the TV on the wrong station and she accidentally saw Danny's reality show."

"Yeah," Chris says "And she was so traumatized she ended up doing that movie, Grandma's Boy. You know, the one where she's this cougar who has slept with 1000's of men and sleeps with this guy who's a virgin. And the nude scene....."

They all shudder.

From upstairs Shirley calls down "Danny me boi. Could ye go out to the bairn and fetch me big suitcase? Oil be needin to pack me old habit and it takes up a lotta room. And check to make sure we have toime to stop by the chorch before Oi leave. The Larid winna take kindly to me not sayin' a rosary ar two afore Oi go to take on Stefano."

"Okay, mom" Danny answers

They all shake their heads and sigh together.