Fast Times At Salem High

It's the first day of school at good ol Salem High.

Stephanie and Abby stand by their lockers comparing schedules.

"Eww, math class first hour" whines Stephanie "I'll die!"

"Well at least you don't have History with Mr. Horton!" answered Abby "He just goes on and on and on about nothing"

"Sigh I can't wait for high school to be over" Stephanie pouts "then we can start to have real fun"

"Steph the kind of fun you want to have. . . "Abby is interrupted by Belle running up.

"Oh wow guys!" Belle gasps "High school is like so OMG!!"

Steph and Abby smile and look at each other. "FRESHMEN!" they say together

"Hey!" says Belle indignantly "I'm not a baby! I even have a boyfriend who's out of school! Shawn Brady!"

"Oh wow," Abby gushes "He is so hot! You are like so lucky!"

"No kidding" says Steph "The guys here are like so immature. Older guys rock!"

"Yeah it would be even more cool if his bratty little sister would stop telling on us all the time" Bell whines "Chelsea is such a snot! Their mom makes him take her everywhere he goes so he can watch her. It just sucks."

"Yeah I know" Stephanie says "My mom got this baby fever thing going a few weeks ago and now we have this little rugrat she adopted. They can't even figure out what to name him, so we call him POCKET of all things. The house always smells like dirty diapers! I can't even bring any friends over because they might wake the baby.

"Well at least you don't have to watch your parents slobber all over each other in public like mine do!" said Belle "I swear if I wake up and they are naked on the sofa again, I am going to puke!"

"EWWWWWWW" Steph and Abby say together

The bell rings just then and the girls walk down the hallway, laughing and talking.


Meanwhile over at Salem Jr. High Phillip Kiriakis stands outside waiting.
Will Roberts runs up out of breath, "Sorry! My mom made me take out the garbage before I left"

"Yeah, we all got problems" Phillip rolls his eyes "Come on, we have to get to class"

"Hang on" Says Will "This new kid moved into our building and I promised my mom I'd show him around school today"

"Oh yeah? What grade" asks Phillip

"Pft 5th!" sneers Will "But he's like all European and smart. He's supposed to be in like 4th grade but he skipped about a million grades and now he's in 6th with us."

"Oh great, just what we need" moaned Phillip "some little brainiac loser following us around"

"And get this!" laughed Will "His name is ELVIS!"

"Elivs??"Phillip says, shocked "You mean like as in Viva Las Vegas Elvis? OH DUDE that is just wrong!"

"Excuse me gentlemen, would one of you fellows happen to be William?"

Will turns to see Elvis J Banks standing in front of him wearing a Brooks Brother's suit and carrying a briefcase.

"Oh DUDE, somebody kill me now" Will moaned

Phillip is laughing so hard he can't breathe. He grabs Will by the shoulder for support and manages to catch his breath.

"So ELVIS? How are things at Graceland?"
Will tries to stifle his laugh but finally gives in and joins Phillip in laughing so hard they both double over.

"Ah, yes" EJ says "You are of course referring to the American rock and roll singer I am named after. An unfortunate result of my mother's obsession with the man. However I do prefer to be called EJ. So as to spare myself reactions such as yours. So in the future if you would be so kind as to introduce me as such, I would be very grateful."

This little speech just makes Will and Phillip laugh that much harder
"OH DUDE STOP!" Phillip pants "I - I - I think I am gonna pass out!"
"I can't breathe!" Will gasps

EJ stands and stares as the boys continue to laugh uncontrollably

"Perhaps the mention of my father's name will qwell your amusement. I belive you know him, Stefano Dimera?" EJ says

At the mention of Stefano's name both boys stop mid laugh. They look at EJ shocked.

"Did you say your old man is Stefano Dimera?" asks Will

"Yes, I do believe thats what I said" EJ replies

Will and Philip regain their composure on the spot and give each other a raised eyebrow look.

"Yeah, okay, EJ then" says Phillip "Come on, we need to go to class"

Like Sands Through The Hourglass

Just for fun today, I decided to list the birthdays and actual ages of our beloved DOOL characters.
The effects of SORAS is rampant, in Salem!!!


Please note the ages I list are what they WILL be this year if their birthday hasn't happened yet.

January -
19 Mickey Horton 1932 Age 75
23 Alice Horton 1911 Age 96

February -
19 Stephanie Johnson 1990 Age 17
21 Phillip Kiriakis 1995 Age 12
21 Elvis Banks Dimera 1997 Age 10

March -
02 Steve Johnson 1955 Age 52
03 Carrie Brady 1977 Age 30

April -
06 Shawn-Douglas Brady 1987 Age 20

May -
22 Chelsea Brady 1998 Age 9

June -
15 Jack Deveraux 1962 Age 45

July -
29 Lucas Roberts 1975 Age 32

August -
17 Abe Carver 1953 Age 54
26 Roman Brady 1950 Age 57

September -
11 Jennifer Rose Horton Deveraux 1976 Age 31

October -
07 Marlena Brady Black 1956 Age 51
19 Sami Brady 1984 Age 23
19 Abby Devereaux 1992 Age 15
21 Belle Black 1993 Age 14

November -
09 Bo Brady 1963 Age 44
16 Will Roberts 1995 Age 12

December -
29 Hope Brady 1974 Age 33


This means:
Lucas and Sami went to his prom together. Now either he was held back ALOT of years or he took a second grader to prom.

Sami had Will when she was 11 (She must have gotten pregnant at prom)

Hope had Shawn at 13

Bo, Jack and Shawn should be in jail for messing with underage girls.

Sami will the the Mary J Letourneau award when she marrys EJ

Chelsea must be a genius, she's in college.

Belle will need an adult to administer medications for her when she graduates nursing school.

How did Phillip even get into the Marines??

Austin Powers 2 - This Guy Who Nagged Me

“The ISA wants us to find out how everyone in Salem can all be independently wealthy and unemployed at the same time” explained Claire.

“What do I know about that?” asked Nick

Claire rolls her eyes and walks over to a computer terminal. She logs on to the IRS computer database.

“Now look” she begins “In the past 40 years no one in the town of Salem has filed an income tax return”

“Well, yeah that’s a little weird” Nick says

“At the same time, there have been NO applications for loans, no welfare payments, no sales taxes collected, nothing!” Claire continues “And yet. . .” She switches to another screen “There are businesses, service industries, schools, hospitals, a police force, ambulances, an airport, a newspaper, TV and radio stations. People have electricity, water, phone service. Who pays for all this?”

“Well maybe they all had a good year playing the stock market.” Nick laughs

Claire continues like she didn’t hear him “People take trips all over the world, drive brand new expensive cars, dress in designer fashion, have extravagant weddings…”

“Well Sami Brady could support the entire Salem wedding industry” Nick says

“Okay fine if this is a joke to you.” Claire shuts down the computer and gets up to walk away.

“Hey, I am just kidding,” says Nick “What does the ISA think is going on?”

“That’s just it!” Claire snaps, “Where is all the money coming from? Someone somewhere has to be funding all these things, and we need to find out who”

“Don’t you think it might be a better idea to find out why the people in this place age so weird?” Nick mumbles under his breath “I mean what are you 1? EJ is like 13. Your great grand father has kids who are in their 50’s, yet 50 years ago he was only like 8 or 9…”

“What?” says Claire “ are you babbling about?”

“Oh nothing nothing.” Nick answers, then does his patented turn around and talk to no one move “I mean come on, I’m just saying….”

“Claire, Nick!” Shane walks over with a piece of paper in his hand “We just got word from ISA head quarters, the mission is on”

NEXT...

Nick Fallion International Man of Mystery

Nick knows the time has come to reveal his secret identity to the world.

He goes to his closet and taps three times on the back wall. It suddenly slides to one side and Nick steps into an elevator.

As the doors open Nick steps out wearing a 60's crushed velvet suit and black horn rimmed glasses. He is Nick Fallion - International Man of Mystery!

He struts into a large room full of people at computer terminals. Large video screens show world maps, grainy surveillance video, satellite images of cities, and a Sponge Bob cartoon.

Shane Donovan stands in the middle of the room discussing a report with one of the computer people.

Nick saunders up to Shane.
"Dono baby, it's about time you called me in to solve this case." Nick says in what has to be the worst English accent ever "I'm ready to kick some ass, shag a few babes, and solve this case."

Shane stares at Nick for a second like he can't quite believe what he's seeing.
"Fallion, knock off the Austin Powers parody. This show might be bad but we haven't sunk that low..........yet anyway. And take off that ridiculous suit."

"Not without dinner and a movie first." Nick quips, still in character

Shane shoots him a scathing look and Nick reverts back into himself.

"Sorry boss"

"Okay, we have our Artemis and DeMarquette decoys in place, have the three of you come up with a plan yet?" asks Shane

"Well we're working on it, but I gotta tell you those two need to stop smoking those cigars and hitting the bars every night or our cover is going to be blown."

"Well it's your job to control them. They have to be able to fool the enemy agents or our plan is worthless" Shane scolds

"Yeah." replies Nick "You try telling them that. I swear the real kids were more mature than these idiots"

"Be that as it may Fallion, we have a job to do here and I expect you to handle it!" snaps Shane "If you can't we have other agents who can take over"

"Yes, they do!" A voice says from behind Nick.

It's Claire, dressed head to toe in leather with thigh high boots.

"Oh that's fair, she gets to wear THAT and I get yelled at for having a little fun"
whines Nick

"Oh grow up Fallion" says Claire "At least I SOLVE cases."

"Name one!" Nick says accusingly "You have been on the Dimera case for almost a year now and all you've managed to do find Tony, get Roman kidnapped, and let Andre get his hands on the fo..."

"Okay stop right there!" Claire interrupts "First off, you try doing all that with prize winning partners like Bope and Shelle! Those four have the combined intelligence of the Three Stooges"

"But there's 4 of them" Nick says

"YEAH, I know" Claire replies

"Enough you two." Shane cuts the both off "We have a case to solve here. Now lets get started."

Alices Donunts

Alice Horton sits alone in her wheelchair. She reflects back on her wonderful fulfilling life and looks at all the pictures she has on her wall.

Fond memories. Memories, memories....how she hated that word. She looks at her and Tom's wedding picture and wonders why she can't remember her life before that. She remembers being on a fishing boat, and then coming to America, and meeting Tom. She sighs and wonders if she will ever remember.

Outside her window OMB stands in the rain. "Colleen" he whispers "why did I ever think I could just stand back and let you not remember? Now it's about to come apart and I don't know how to stop it."

He remembers the night Santo walked into the fish market OMB was working in.
He had a fol-ded leather pouch in his hand.

"What are YOU doing here?" asked Shawn

"I am looking for my beloved Colleen" Santo replied "I know she is here, I paid a detective, one who was NOT on the Salem PD, to find her"

"Colleen is dead!" yelled Shawn "She died that day on the cliff"

"Oh really? Then why do I have these?" he reaches in the fol-ded leather pouch and pulls out a stack of papers
"This is a report from a group of Swedish fishermen who said they found a young woman floating in the water off the coast of Ireland. They revived her and she couldn't remember who she was."

"And what does that have to do with Colleen?" asked Shawn

"That young woman WAS Colleen" said Santo
He pulls out pictures of Colleen on a boat, then in a house, then on a ship.

Behind her on the life preserver of the ship you can clearly see the word:
TITANIC

"These pictures are faked!" said Shawn "Colleen is dead. You killed her!"

"No Shawn, you killed her." Santo accused "You and your lies. You told her my wife was still alive."

"That's because she was!"Shawn yelled "You are a cheating bastard who used my sister!"

Outside the fish market little Stefano stands watching through a window.
He turns around with that little evil grin on his face, looking a lot like Damien from the Exorcist. He pulls on a pair of black leather gloves and holds out a shiny new lorrie, just like the one he had back in Ireland.
He places it in a box and sits it outside the door, it begins ticking.

Galway Gals Gone Wild (NSFW)

Pete "the meat" Brady enters the church.

He drops his money into the "poor box" and heads for his usual confessional booth.

He settles in and waits for his favorite girl to arrive.

A door opens on the opposite side of the screen and Pete springs to "attention".

"I'll have the usual" he whispers. And settles back to give his "confession".

As a small pair of hands reaches through the hole Pete glances down.
"Hmm, Colleen was wearing that same color nail polish this morning" he thinks to himself.

As the pair of hands start to perform their assigned duty, Pete can't help but look down again.

"Come to think of it," he thinks "that smells like the lotion I gave Colleen for her birthday last year"

Pete sits back again and closes his eyes. Suddenly he hears the door to the other side of the booth open and a shocked voice scream "LEENIE!"

Pete bolts out of the booth as the girl on the other side jumps out as well, he stands face to face with COLLEEN!!!

"DA? But they said my regular was in booth #2!" Colleen's face drains of all color
"Every Tuesday and Friday at 2 PM!"

Father and daughter face each other and realize the horrible truth.

Sister Helen comes around the corner, black leather whip in her hand.
"I was wondering how long it would take you two to figure it out." She says with an evil grin. "I arranged this over a year ago, you two sure seemed to enjoy yourselves, until today that is."

"YOU!" Pete turns to YOMB "This is all YOUR fault! If you hadn't gone snooping around this wouldn't have happened!"

"BUT DA!! She's your daughter!" YOMB says "And you two have been.....for over a year!"

"Hush now Shawn!" Colleen warns him "Da is right. If you hadn't wanted that shiny new lorrie I wouldn't have had to do this to earn extra money!"

Sister Helen stands back, taking in the scene as the Brady family melts down.

A hand reaches out and slides around her waist. Santo comes up behind her and hugs her close to him.
"You did a wonderful job my dear" he whispers into her ear "Colleen will leave with me now and we will move to Reno and I can realize my lifelong dream of owning my own brothel. I think I will call it...The Mustang Ranch....yes that sounds good"

Sister Helen turns to face Santo. She lifts her veil . . . . . IT'S KATE!

"I'm glad you're happy!" Now that scheming little whore of a grand niece of hers won't get her hooks into my precious son!"

"That, my dear is where you are wrong." Santo pulls out a knife and stabs Sister Helen/Kate.

Galway, the untold story

Galway Ireland - 50 yrs ago.

"Come on Colleen, services start in 15 min." Calls a young nun

Colleen is in her room putting on her habit. She looks in the mirror and signs, she hates it. She hurries out the door and meets up with Sister Ann, another young nun.

"Did you see that HOT Mr. Dimera today at the beach?" Sister Ann pants "I wonder if it's true what they say about Italian men?"

"OH you are awful!" Colleen says in mock disgust "But yeah he was H-A-W-T! I am so gonna hit that!"

"Do you think he knew we were nuns?" asks Ann

"The way we were dressed? Umm the last I checked nuns don't wear bikinis" said Colleen

"Well not all nuns"giggled Ann "Can you imagine sister Helen in one??"

"EWWWWWW" both girls say in unison

"You DO know Mr. Dimera's married right?" asks Ann

"Well duh!" Colleen rolls her eyes "He didn't even try to hide his wedding ring. And besides since when did the fact that a guy was married stand in my way?"

"True" Ann nods "Remember that traveling rosary salesman last year? When you did him in the confessional...."

"GIRLS!"

Colleen and Ann run smack into Sister Helen. She stands glaring at them. They lower their heads and try to slide past her into the church.

"Not so fast young ladies" Sister Helen said "This is the 3rd time this week you've been late!"

"Sorry sister" "Won't happen again Sister" "Forgive us, Sister" the girls mumble

Sister Helen shakes her head and allows the girls to pass. As soon as they are out of her listening range, they start to giggle.

"YOU are soooo bad" says Ann "You are going to corrupt me for sure!"

Colleen, flips her veil and strikes a sexy pose,
"Well of course sweetie" she purrs "Why do you think they call me Nun Gone Wild!"

The Devil in Mr. Reilly

The demon Reilly continues with his evil plan:

"I will make the Dimeras beyond evil!!" he snarls "They will be the most powerful beings on earth! Beyond good and evil. They will battle the Horton witches for control of the people of Salem! It will force the witches to come up with new and different ways to destroy the endless attacks they make. The witches will evolve!
Their powers will grow. After a couple of months three witches will be born, and grow up into adults. They will possess powers that will overshadow all those who came before them. Together these three witches (sisters! yes they will be sisters) will take on the Dimeras."

"Dark Lord?" inturruped a demon

They will have to hide their powers from the outside world." Reilly continues "They will make mistakes along the way, but each one will only make them stronger for the next battle."

"Ummm, Sir? I believe you are describing...." another demon tries

"OH and a book!! They will have this magical book they find that will expand magically with each adventure." Reilly has completely gone over the edge. He's screaming now "It will always have the solution to how to defeat the Dimera demons . And sexy!! YES! They will be beautiful and sexy and have all kinds of relationship issues.....and....and......"

"YOUR EVILNESS! YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT CHARMED!! THE TV SHOW! IT'S BEEN DONE!!" the demon screamed

Reilly stops and stares at the demon for a minute.
The little demon realizes he has taken his life in his hands by speaking out and stands facing the demon Reilly breathing heavily.
Satan and the other demons look shocked and shrink back to avoid getting caught in the explosion when Reilly destroys the little demon.

Reilly looks down at the demon. His eyes turn black as midnight and flames erupt from his massive horned head.

"Well how else do you expect me to bring in the most heinously evil actress in history?" asked Reilly in a strangely calm voice

The little demon looks confused.

"But who?......."













"Shannen Doherty"

Meanwhile in Hell

Satan is polishing his horns, humming a little tune. He was in a good mood until the 3 demons knocked on his door.

"Come in!" he called

After a long pause the door opened slowly. There was the sound of scuffling and whispered arguing. Finally one small demon was pushed through the door.
The others followed slowly at a distance.

"What is it?" asked Satan "Hurry up I have a hot date with Anna Nicole, you know I waited forever for her to get down here."

The small demon visibly shaking turned to his companions. They waved him on and he began to speak.

"Dark Lord" he stammered "We.. um have some bad news"

Satan turned away from his mirror and looked hard at the demon "Spill it"

"Well sir, you know your favorite little town? Salem? Yeah well it seems that, umm ...well it's like this.....you know how things were so evil there? Well...."

"SPIT IT OUT!" boomed Satan "I DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT!"

The small demon dropped to the floor and covered his head, he took a deep breath and said "God turned Salem back into what it was in 1965! Everyone is good and honest and kind!" The demon braced himself for the wrath of Satan.

"Gone?" said Satan "The town I created for my amusement? All the evil doings gone? The place I planned to retire......good????"

"Y-y-y-y-yes Dark Lord" stuttered the demon

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" the walls of Hell shook with Satan's wrath. Fires shot up from the floor, rocks fell from the ceiling

The three demons screamed and ran for the door. They didn't make it.
The door slammed shut before they could make it out, and now they turned to face an enraged King of the Underworld who was having a classic Sami Brady conniption fit.
Fireballs flew across the room, lightening shot down from the ceiling, furniture smashed into the walls.

"Bring me the most evil demon I have" panted Satan "the only one who can un-do all that has been done..."

The three demons gasped and stared at Satan...."no Dark Lord, you can't mean you want us to release...."

"YES" hissed Satan "bring me......

One Day In Heaven

An Angel went to talk to God.

"Lord, I have some problems with my charges in this town."

"I'm listening" said God

"Well, as you know, I am in charge of Salem. And frankly I am having a lot of problems." said the Angel

"Ah yes" replied God "The Bradys and the Dimeras, two good Catholic families, what problems could you possibly be having?"

"Lord.....THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! You don't know what I've been through with these wackos!" the angel was freaking out

"Angel 666! Have some self control! Now tell me what's going on" said God

The angel took a deep breath and tried to explain.
"Okay Lord, first there's the staying dead problem" the angel began

"Staying dead? I don't understand, how do you not stay dead?" asked God

"That's what I said when the Angel of Death first told me" began the angel "He was doing his job, but these people keep coming back! He was blaming me for messing up his count. People die and then a few years later, the come back! Sometimes they're entirely different people but they're back."

"Different people? I don't follow you" said God

"Okay, see Roman died, but then he came back, but he wasn't Roman he was John, but then John wasn't John he was Forrest who died when he was a kid"
explained the angel

"And then Steve was dead for like 20 years but he wasn't dead he was just brainwashed." the angel continued "And we can't seem to keep Stefano dead no matter what we do! Poison, stabbing, bullets, disease, this guy won't stay gone"

"Hmm, I bet his life insurance premiums are insane" mumbled God "continue please"

"And then there's the problem of trying to sort out who's kid is whose. I know there's only supposed to be one mother and one father, but once we decide who they are, something happens to change it. How are we supposed to keep the records straight?" the angel went on "Sami Brady for instance, her twins father is supposed to be Lucas but there's been talk at least one is EJ's. And Claire who was Phillip's is Shawn's, but the baby that was Shawn's is really Phillip's, and the test tube alien kids who are Kate and Roman's but they didn't know they had them . . ."

"A regular DNA cesspool huh?"quipped God "Sorry, go on"

"Well at least everyone has been a serial killer at one time or another." the angel continued "and kidnappings are a daily event."

"But those are crimes" said God "what about the police?"

"Oh the Salem PD," sighed the Angel "yeah, well they mostly run around coming up with 'brilliant plans' that always fail and get people killed. That's probably due to the fact that anyone who wants to can just 'be' a cop."

"Is that it?" asked God, rubbing his face

"OH NO" said the Angel "There's the adventures! Buried alive, embryo stealing, drugs, insanity, theft, lies, rapes, double crosses, triple crosses, incest, affairs, secret marriages, fake weddings, space aliens, time travel, demonic possession . . "

"Okay now stop! You're giving me a headache" said God

"But Lord, I have to deal with this town every day! I'm telling you I can't do it any more, I need help!"

"Okay, obviously there's a problem here, lets slow down and.."

Another angel flies up with a phone in his hand, "Phone call for you Father"

"Oh, okay..hello?" God says "Hello? Is anyone there?"

A maniacal laugh comes from the phone. It gets louder and louder.
God and the angel look at each other puzzled, then stare at the phone.

Suddenly God gets a shocked look of realization on his face. His hand shaking he puts the phone up to his ear.....

"Andre?" God whispers in a trembling voice "Andre is that you?"

The laughter continues.....


next

It's Party Time!

Salem is in chaos! Roman is missing, Andre is on the loose, Stefano is alive...so naturally the story switches to...

Max and Stephanie discussing their new relationship

Max is looking deep into Steph's eyes "Ever since you came back from Dayton, or Daytona or wherever you were, you seem different, I just can't figure out what it is."

"Me neither" says Steph "I just woke up one day and I felt like a different person."

Meanwhile in the "Kate Zone":

Jeremy walks in. The poker game is still going on. Doug is studying his cards as the table waits.

"OH COME ON AND BID" says Julie "I swear if you took this long in bed we wouldn't keep getting divorced."

Maggie and Caroline have a good laugh at this. Adrienne looks up from the table and notices Jeremy.

"Hey! About time you showed up!" she says "I hear you actually had a few lines this week"

"Yeah a few" say Jeremy

He sits down and they deal him in.

"Caroline, did you manage to get the next set of letters typed up?" asks Julie

"No, I decided to let Shawn mess with them a little" Caroline explains "I had him go to the funeral, knowing no one would ask where I was, and told him to just sit and ramble, he should be good at that."

The whole table laughs.

Meanwhile over at Bo and Hope's the party is on.
Artemis and DeMarquette are dancing with Ciera and Claire while Pocket plays DJ
They of course have all turned into college age kids and are boozing it up pretty well.
The door opens and Chelsea, Max and Stephanie come in.

"See, I told you we'd find a party!" says Steph

"Hell yeah cuz!" says Chelsea "Let's dance!"

Chelsea and Steph hit the dance floor using moves that would make Beyonce' blush. Max goes over and helps Pocket on the tunes.

Pocket, nudges Max and they watch Chelsea and Steph.

"So Uncle Max, you dated both of em, which one should I go for?"

"Hey, did you forget Steph is kinda your sister?" Asks Max

"AND??" Says Pocket "That matters..how?"

"It doesn't" laughs Max "Just had to point it out. Anyway, I'm kinda with her now so you can have Chelsea"

"Works for me. You got this? I'm goin in." Pocket tosses Max the headphones and hits the dance floor.

"Hey pretty lady? Wanna find out why they call me Pocket?" Says Pocket as he slides up and starts dancing with Chelsea

From the top of the stairs the twins, Roman and Colleen (about 11 or 12 yrs old) watch quietly.
"I can't wait till we're that old in a few months" sighs Roman

Colleen looks at him and smiles, then turns away with an evil grin on her face.
"Yes little brother. Just keep watching them......... as they die." Colleen whispers to herself as she pulls on a pair of black leather gloves......

next

Cruise Of No Reception Part Deux

Meanwhile...
Belle and Shawn sit in the Brady pub doing what they do best....arguing.

"Shawn you aren't listening...I just want what's best for...umm what's her name again...oh yeah Claire."

Shawn rolls his eyes "Belle, I am thinking of Claire, I want to give her all the things she needs, but to do that I need money and this is the only way I know how to get it!"

"But Shawn, if you become a cop who will be home to listen to me whine all day?" Belle pouts.

Suddenly a light pierces the ceiling.....it hits Belle straight on.
She stops mid pout and stands up.

"Belle! What's going on? You look different!"

Belle looks at Shawn and smiles.

"Earthling, you have served your purpose well, but now, your purpose is over" Bell points at Shawn and freezes him mid rant.

She looks at him for a second then turns around and is beamed up to the waiting space ship.

"Captain Bart! How wonderful to see you again!" Belle is now dressed in her Starfleet uniform with the requisite big hair and go-go boots. She reaches up and pulls off her mask to reveal she is, in reality, a Vulcan!

"My instincts were correct. The human male did try to control a beautiful blonde woman, and attempt to force her into a life of domesticity and servitude"

"As always, Lt. Belle, your Vulcan logic and superior intelligence have served you well." Capt Bart answers "I am curious however, how did you manage to use all those human emotions and not injure yourself?"

"I employed an old Earth tradition called over-acting" Belle explains "At first it was hard to get a handle on it, but then I just realized all I had to do was watch Earth soap operas and imitate those women. After that it was easy"

"Well I for one am glad to have you back to your unemotional normal self" Capt. Bart says.

"That is quite illogical Captain. Why would you be pleased to see me behaving normally, when logically there is no other way I should behave once my mission was completed" Belle answers

"Yes, of course" Capt Bart replies "Your sister is on her way to the bridge, Lt."

The doors of the bridge elevator open, and Willow emerges.

"We have a problem Captain. Evidently we underestimated the power of Hope Brady's screechy voice. The android Andre's are malfunctioning and have organized into the road company production of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert"
Lt. Willow explains.

"MY GOD," Capt. Bart gasps "You don't mean.....'

"Yes Captain, they are well into the second verse of Shake Your Groove Thing as we speak" Lt. Willow turns to the big view screen "It's coming up on the monitor now sir"

The monitor fades in to reveal the ballroom of the hotel. It has been transformed into a huge stage. Lucas, Bo, and Roman are in full drag costume leading the dance, as the Andres do back up...

"HOPE!" Screams Capt. Bart doing his best Capt. Kirk "Wrath of Khan" imitation "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!"

next

Cruise of No Reception

Sami and Lucas arrive at the hotel in Florida.
"Are you sure this is how the F-ol-ded leather pouch said we can end the v-e-ry bad grudge the Dimeras have against the Bradys?" Asks Sami
"That's what the paper said" Lucas looks around the lobby with his usual 'what's that smell' look on his face.

A gloved hand sets out a lobby poster reading: Dimera Family Reunion - Main Ballroom
"Look!" Sami shrieks "That must be it!"
Lucas runs over and stares at the sign. After several minutes he turns to Sami and says "Do you think we should go to the main ballroom? I think that might be just where they want us to go."
Sami pulls out her marriage license and checks again to make sure there isn't an insanity clause or an expiration date to get her out of this chicken outfit. No such luck.

They enter a large room filled with people, all women.
A nun, a business woman, a waitress, a nurse, a clown, a cop, a Vegas showgirl, a salvation army bell ringer, Cher, Diana Ross, Barbra Streisand, Liza Minnelli.......
None of this seems strange to the pair as they walk up to the front of the room and take the only two seats open.

The meeting begins as a spotlight hits the stage. The music from 2001 A Space Odyssey plays.
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,daaaaaaaaaaaaa.....DA DA....boomboomboomboomboom...........
Suddenly, Andre Dimera walks onto the stage.

Sami screams. Lucas leaps into action, stands up and stares. Real real hard.
"Sami!" he yells "Sami do you see that? I mean look! Can you believe it?"
"OMG Lucas, it's Andre!" Sami has her usual meltdown and runs around the room screaming and flapping her arms.
"Sami, are you seeing this? Look Sami! How can this be? What's going on here? What does this mean?" Lucas interrogates............no one
"ANDRE, ANDRE, ANDRE, ANDRE!" Sami is running around knocking people and things over screaming like......well like Sami

She runs into the nun who grabs her by the arms, "You should calm down dear, it's not good for the baby"
Sami looks at the nun.....It's Andre!!!
She screams loud enough to shatter glass and spins around to face the nurse...
"Yes, you need to be careful in your condition" nurse Andre says
Another ear splitting scream. Dogs in Alabama look up and cock their heads.
"Sami!" yells Lucas "What's wrong? Sami!" With blinding speed Lucas stands in one spot and dons his patented 'I need a laxative, NOW' look.

All the women in the audience stand up.....they're all Andre!!!
Onstage the "original" Andre stands laughing.

Meanwhile in Salem, Bo hangs up his phone.
"Fancy face, Sami isn't answering her phone, some thing's wrong"
Hope comes out of the kitchen with Ciera, "Bo! We have to get to Florida now!"
"Let's go!" Bo heads for the front door and holds it open "I'll call the airline on the way and get us a flight"
Hope puts Ciera down on the couch and they run out, leaving her there.

Ciera, sits for a few seconds looking at the door, then pulls a cell phone out of her diaper and hits a few buttons.
"Claire. You manage to get a flight back from Tucson? Good! Yeah they're gone, we have the whole place to ourselves. I'll get ahold of Pocket and have him swing by and pick up Artemis and DeMarquette. The party is ON!"

next

Showboys

On a long lonely stretch of road leading out of Salem, Jeremy stands holding a backpack hitchhiking. He seems to have forgotten that you don't need to hold your thumb out if there are no cars coming.

A car appears over the horizon. Jeremy, totally getting it wrong, turns around and starts walking. The car pulls over in front of him and the passenger door opens.
Jeremy runs to the car and jumps in. "Thanks for stopping, where you headed?"

The woman driving turns to Jeremy and in a husky voice says "Vegas baby"......
It's Andre!!!!!!!!!!!
Jeremy of course doesn't notice and keeps babbling.

"Oh wow, you know I really shouldn't be going there, I mean I just left there and I had a little trouble.."

"Have you ever considered being in a Vegas show?" asks Andre-a

"huh? Well no...."Jeremy stutters "I...well I...you know...heard all those stories"

"Nonsense" schmoozes Andre-a "a good looking boy like you...nice body...and such beautiful blue eyes..." Andre-a puts her hand on Jeremy's knee

Flash forward six months....Jeremy is coming offstage in a G-string with dollars hanging out of it. He runs to his dressing room slams the door and starts to cry.
He grabs a picture of Stephanie and starts to blubber.."Oh Stephanie, how can I come home to you now...the things I've done.....I'm just...so....ashamed...."

Andre-a walks into the room carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses
"Jeremy, my love....I have some business women out here who are just dying to make your acquaintance..."

Jeremy looks up from his dressing table and stares.


next

Guess Who's Comming To Brunch

Somewhere in Europe, Austin and Carrie are having breakfast.
"When exactly is Will going home honey?" asks Austin
"I told you a hundred times, he can't go home until we make sure he has aged to an unrealistic point, where there is no way Sami could be old enough to be his mother" Sami is so annoyed.

"Aunt Carrie, Uncle Austin I just heard from mom, she wants me to come home!"
Will comes running into the room.

The part of Will Roberts is now being played by Carrot Top

"OH.........Will...............ummmm.........okay....well let's get to the airport.......because your flight...that we didn't know you were going to be on....is leaving in half an hour......non-stop for Salem..." Carrie says

Will walks in to his bedroom in Carrie and Austin's posh 9 bedroom hotel suite in some un-named European country where everyone speaks English.

"Are you packed yet?" Will says as he walks in
"Well I still have to get dressed but I'm ready" Out walks...................
Abby! Wearing nothing but a towel.
"How do you think your parents will react when they find out we're married?" She asks as she sits on the bed and starts brushing her hair.
"Oh I think dad will be fine with it, but I'm not sure mom is ready to be a grand mother" Will says as he sits on the bed next to Abby.
"Well she better get used to it fast, the baby is due in a few months" Abby smiles and starts slobbering all over Will.


Meanwhile back in Salem, Sami now in her 5th trimester, sits reading the 19th batch of Santeen letters.
She reads aloud, even though she's the only one in the room, because that's what normal people do........
"...Dearest Santo....even though we have been luvers for 6 months now, I still canna help feelin' Oy am sinnin' and betrayin' the charch and me da. Every time I lie to Fother, and say I'm commin here to collect money fer the arphins, I feel so guilty. But then ye take me in yer arms and Oy feel yer heart beatin...."

Sami fans herself "Is it getting hot in here?"

"Not as hot as it's about to get" EJ bursts in and grabs Sami off the couch.
"EJ! NO! I LOVE LUCAS" Sami says
"Lucas, isn't here" whispers EJ
"Oh yeah, I forgot" Sami grabs EJ and they start making out.

Pan over to the open door as a black gloved hand holds a video camera pointed at the couple.
A mysterious voice laughs "Heh heh heh can you say You Tube?"


next

Skanks On A Plane

As two parachutes float away, one of the bimbos pulls the door to the plane shut.
From the back of the plane Jeremy pops out.
"I thought they'd never leave!" he says.
He comes out dressed like Hef in a smoking jacket.
"Now let's party!"
The music comes up and everyone starts dancing. Bottles of champagne appear, toasts all around.

Off in the corner a girl dances alone, then slips around the corner.
It's Andre in a blonde wig and a Touch This Guy stewardess uniform.

He lets himself into the cockpit where Rawlings sits, smoking a joint, Lynyrd Skynyrd blasting. Next to him in the co-pilot's seat is a monkey, flying the plane.
It hits an air pocket, and Rawlings yells.
"HEY SHAWN watch it, you almost made me spill my beer!"
He named the monkey Shawn!
The monkey, wearing a little pilot's hat and a name tag that says "Shawn" grins and hold his hand out for a beer.

Rawlings sees Andre.
"Hey baby, get in here and sit on my lap"
This guy must be high if he thinks Andre looks good
He grabs Andre's hand, and stares at his hairy knuckles, "Are you sure you're a chick?"

Over at the Salem Police Academy, a group of cops sit around a table laughing uncontrollably.
Bo comes in.
"What's so funny?""
"OH Brady, we just got your kid's application! This has to be a joke right? I mean he lists driving stolen cars through houses as a skill!" They all laugh.
Bo stares at them, and they stop laughing.
"How dare you! The Brady family has a long tradition of helping others. Of standing up for the downtrodden. Of righting wrongs. Of defending the defenseless. Of thwarting evil at every turn. Of honesty, integrity, the highest moral fiber......" Bo snorts then dissolves into helpless laughter.
"Oh man, I didn't think I could make it that far through that speech with a straight face!"
The cops all laugh.
"Hey!" says one cop "Let's put your kid on homicide, as a detective! Then tell him his first job is to investigate Jett Carver's shooting"
Jett walks in "Somebody shot me?"
The cops all welcome him with high fives.
"Man I have never gone to that much trouble to get away from a chick! But that Chelsea, she is one clingy broad!"
"Hey now, that's my daughter" growls Bo. And he once again can't maintain the angry face and starts laughing.
"Man I gotta work on that, getting angry thing"
Jett continues with his story
"Check this out, I even told her "I love you" with my "dying breath" Everyone laughs
Bo roars.
"Dude you better make sure you're dead! Even then I'm not sure if that'll be enough to get MY daughter off your back! Nick had to marry a Vegas hooker to get rid of her!"
"Whoa" laughs Jett "I better make a good looking corpse!"
The cops join in the laughter as we see Chelsea standing outside the door listening.
She gets that sideways jaw thing of hers going and pulls a pair of black leather gloves out of her purse.
"We'll see who has the last laugh!" She snarls as she pulls on The Gloves


next!

The Kate Zone

You're traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wonderous land where forgotten DOOL characters wait, until someone remembers they are alive. There's a sign outside the door, your next stop....The Kate Zone (cue eerie music).....

Will, Julie, Doug, Anna, OMB, Caroline, and Maggie sit around a poker table.
Abe and Lexie enter.
"Well, that was a good 5 min work" says Abe. Now someone deal me in.
"I wonder if anyone will realize I should be back from Europe and starting school" says Will.
The entire table laughs, as Caroline calls and announces she has 2 queens.

"That beats me," says Doug Caroline rakes in the pot.

Grandma Horton comes in with a plate of donuts, everyone groans, they're sick of donuts.

From the corner we hear a disgusting slurrping sound. Yes it's John and Marlena making out. Ewwwww.

"Those two ever come up for air?" Asks Abe
"Leave them alone, it's nice to see two people in love" Swoons Julie
Doug grins and they start making out.
EWWWWWW
The table grosses out and the game comes to a stand still.


Back at the hospital, as Stefano's room clears, Lucas comes over and whispers,
Okay they're gone.
Stefano starts laughing and sits up.
"They bought it" says Lucas as he and Stefano high five.
"You should have seen Sami's face when I got all peeved about her reading the letters without me, she so believes they are real" laughs Lucas
"My son, you have done well" says Stefano "now lets get out of here before..."

The door bursts open and it's Andre. He's wearing a blonde wig and a 40's style dress, complete with seamed stockings and a scarf.

"Now just where da ye think ye'll be headin' off ta little Stefano?" He says in a bad Irish accent " Yer da winna want ye to be playin' with the likes of this one"
"Andre?" Stefano gasps "what are you doing here?"
"Who air ye callin Andre? Dinna ye recognize me, its me Colleen, and I have ta hurry and get ye back ta the charch afore yer da finds out ye runned off like ye did" Andre's eyes spin in two different directions as he lunges at Stefano.

Lucas leaps into action and stares really hard at Andre.
Stefano and Andre struggle as the f - olded leather document holder falls to the floor. Lucas looks like he needs a laxative really really bad and stares at the dropped f - olded leather document holder.
He picks it up......opens it.......and pulls out..................


next.

Meanwhile....

Across town Juggs and Doolie sit at the pub giggling to themselves.
Stefano walks in, perfectly fine and joins them.
He pulls and envelope out of his jacket and hands it to Juggs.
"Here you are my dear, the latest batch of letters between Santo and Colleen"
The three burst into hysterical laughter.

"Do you think anyone will figure out we copied these from an old Harliquin romance novel?" asks Doolie
"Figure out? PLEASE those idiots couldn't figure out the recipe to boil water!" chuckles Stefano
"What do you think they would do if they found out the only passion between Santo and Coleen was a passion for fundraising for the charch?" asks Julie
"And the whole vendetta thing was really over a bad batch of fish old OMB sold my grandfather!" Stefano roars

The three of them dissolve into a weeping pile of laughter.

Next?

The Kids Ain't All Right

Nick leaves the kids in his room while he goes out to arrange the Lunar bowling.
As soon as he leaves the kids let out big sighs and pour themselves drinks and light up cigars.
Do you think he'll figure out we're really 30 year old little people? says Artemis
Him? He doesn't even know enough to not open a ticking briefcase. DeMarquette laughs.
The boys have a good laugh and toast eachother.

Across town at Bo and Hope's the doorbell rings. Ciera answers it and Claire comes in. Anyone here? she asks. Is anyone ever here? says Ciera They head over to the couch and turn on the TV. As they sit watching Blues Clues a cell phone rings. Claire pulls her cell out of her diaper and looks at it.
It's a text from Pocket. He says he'll be right over as soon as he Patch leaves to go kill Stefano. He says he'll bring the cookies and wants to know if Springer has returned their call about being on the show.
Ciera says to text him back they are scheduled for a meeting next week.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Andre comes off stage in his showgirl outfit. He is all smiles, and goes to his dressing room. He passes a large sign with his picture on it reading "APPEARING NIGHTLY" A gloved hand places a wrapped gift on a makeup table with a tag saying "To the most beautiful showgirl in Vegas" on it.
The gift is ticking.

In a spaceship orbiting over Salem, China Lee looking suspiciously like Lt. Uhura sits at an instument panel. She swivels her chair around and says,
I have received confrimation, the landing party has made it to the surface. They are awaiting your orders.
The Captain's chair turns around and ...... it's Bart!
Excellent, we can now begin the invasion. He smiles and hits a button on his Captain's chair.
Tell the cook to bring me some pie! NOW!

Welcome! If This is your first visit, please read this first!

Welcome.
If you found this, you must be a Prevuze fan.
And as such, you know sometimes there are lapses in programming that result (gasp) in no daily broadcast of our beloved DOOL.

On those days it has become a tradition that I start a "fantasy" storyline if you will.
These storylines are not intended to be logical, or even make sense.
They contain sarcasm, rely on time honored schtick, and generally are much better than the acutal show.

In the spirit of Prevuze I do have a few rules that apply to anyone wishing to contribute to our story.
1. Please keep your posts "clean". I don't mind the occasional "hell" or "damn" but nothing more hardcore. Dropping the "F bomb" is strictly prohibited.
2. Any racial or sexually inappropriate material will result in your post being deleted.
3. There will be no trashing or insulting of actors or real people allowed.
4. No rude comments about other people's posts. If you don't like the direction they took with the story, change it in your post. It's not like DOOL doesn't change directions mid-episode anyway, so why should we be any different?
5. Aging characters is fine as is dragging out past characters who have passed into the "great beyond" or the "Kate Zone" but please don't kill anyone off or invent any permanent new characters. The ones already on the show are confusing enough.
6. Don't neglect your usual comments on Prevuze. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have come up with this blog. Give them your respect and comments just like you would any other day.

Okay, that's the rules.
If you have any questions feel free to email me.